I’m going to look horrible on my own wedding day

[Caramelvanillafudge]

Arghhh, I’m an idiot.

I am getting married next month. I’ve put on a bit of weight and thought I could lose it in time but it hasn’t happened. I do look fat: there’s no way I can avoid that.

I’ve never been brilliant at putting on makeup and I only wear foundation and mascara. I just don’t suit lipstick or eye shadow or blusher. Stupidly, I thought I’d get someone to do my hair and makeup. And I had a trial run yesterday and it looked RIDICULOUS! The hair style made me look even fatter and I looked like JK Rowling’s description of Dolores Umbridge. The makeup just made me look stupid. There was nothing wrong with how she did it, it just looked silly on me.

I know I could just do my own hair and makeup but then I’ve messed everyone around and spent money I don’t have.

I just want to get married in jeans and a cardigan in a registry office

You are what you are. Some things we can change - we can diet/exercise/have surgery but at some point we have to accept what and who we are. Constantly attaching negative labels to who that is isn't helpful at all. All it does it make you more unhappy.

You have as much right as anyone else to be happy and to have a great wedding day but only your own frame of mind will help with that.

I understand your frustration over people trying to 'fix' your issues but they are trying to help where they can. They can't change your negative frame of mind. What the point in going through the rest of your life being unkind to yourself? Other people will do that. You might well be plain and overweight but by focussing on this you are not allowing the positive things about you to shine through.

I’m not uncomfortable with the whole wedding, @KateMcCallister. I’m happy to be getting married, the food, drink, music, all the rest of it. I’m sure it will be lovely.

But I don’t think we can completely ignore the fact there is pressure on brides to look attractive and when you don’t - when you can’t - it’s sad. And people DO look at the bride, there’s no getting around that.

@trumpisagit do I really need to point out that at no point have I suggested I don’t shower, brush my hair, etc?

I mean this gently.

IMO you do have issues and the person suggesting therapy is not totally wrong.

Sure, you can moan on here. And people suggesting crash diets etc can away and boil their heads as far as I'm concerned.
But many people are just wanting to see you feel able to enjoy your dress, make-up, hair and wedding.

Would you speak to someone else the way you speak about yourself? ('plain, overweight', 'toad with hair'?)
Maybe try thinking more kindly about yourself.
I wish you a wonderful wedding day with the man you love and your loved ones all around you. They don't think you're ugly.

OP I think you came here just wanting to moan and you should be able to do that. Clearly nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind and you seem incredibly determined to call yourself ugly at every opportunity.

I'm sorry you don't feel good about yourself. But calling yourself ugly endlessly isn't going to make you feel better.

The problem with threads like this is everyone is going to try to give you a solution. When what you really want is just a moan.

For what it's worth - I wish someone was paying for my wedding! Try to just have a good time. Enjoy the music/food/seeing friends. You may not feel like you look great, but getting married isn't all about looking like a princess. It's a day to celebrate your relationship and your families.

Vent away if you need to, but do try and enjoy the day when it comes. I think in the future if you regret anything it will be spending the whole day thinking you look 'ugly' rather than just trying to have a good time.

I don’t think I’m frustrated so much as feeling a bit like people are trying to gaslight me, to be honest.

That is a very far reaching statement but it is a bit difficult when people keep telling you something you know to be the case isn’t true.

It is not entirely comfortable. I know people have good intentions but it is a strange sensation.

I think with a fuller face, hair loose and down looks nicest. I didn’t look great on my wedding day. Top tip - don’t get a make up artist. Two of them made my sister and me (separate weddings) look like a man. Ditched them straightaway. Just do whatever you do normally even if that’s nothing.

Weddings were great in the end. I haven’t looked at the pictures properly since as no one else or I cared. I guess it’s the marriage that counts.

But ofc if you want a smaller wedding etc completely your right to go ahead. And understand if you want to vent. I hate being fat and ugly but there’s nothing I can do. I do sympathise. Good luck whatever you decide. Xxx

I’m sure you do mean it “gently” @IntermittentParps

Now, I don’t. I mean this quite sharply. I have fuck all interest in therapy and if you want my honest opinion I think it is a load of snake oil.

That is my view and if you happen not to share it or if you believe therapy has helped you, crack on. I don’t.

My hair was loose and down BTW.

OP, do you feel like getting married to your fiance is a happy event? I think that sense of happiness will definitely improve your appearance. You can look radiant without looking conventionally pretty. In your shoes rather than expensive make up I would spend money on spa/massage the day (s) before the wedding to feel more relaxed.

You seem to hate yourself and be very miserable in general OP. Nobody here can help you. You have to learn to love yourself for who you are, and how you naturally look, or be miserable forever.

I hear you. I had a baby 5 months before my wedding and definitely didn’t look like I wanted to on the day. However what surprised me was what an amazing day I had. I enjoyed someone else doing my hair and makeup, I loved the actual getting married bit and i really loved having all the people who matter to us in one room together having the most fun party all together. What I looked like didn’t matter really and not one of those people gave a shit that I wasn’t a super slim bride. We told our photographer we just wanted natural photos- nothing staged.

In the nicest possible way - people already know what you look like. They won't be expecting you to transform into a model if you don't already look like one. and that's totally ok. People love you for you, they want to see you happy, they don't need to see you more attractive on your wedding day.

Make an effort, do your hair in a way you like, put your normal amout of makeup on and just be you.

You seem to hate yourself and be very miserable in general OP

Wrong.

Day to day, I am a slightly overweight, plain, unremarkable woman who nonetheless managed to have a beautiful baby, has a rewarding (sometimes) and worthwhile (sometimes) job with a beautiful home and a husband to be who is lovely (and annoying, sometimes.)

When said plain, unremarkable woman tries to dress up, she looks like a twat, and vents on MN.

Not really the worlds most pressing need for urgent mental health intervention, is it?

We’re just having natural as well @Crayzeefrog which admittedly is partly what I’m worried about …

@Caramelvanillafudge

I’m sure you do mean it “gently” *@IntermittentParps*

Now, I don’t. I mean this quite sharply. I have fuck all interest in therapy and if you want my honest opinion I think it is a load of snake oil.

That is my view and if you happen not to share it or if you believe therapy has helped you, crack on. I don’t.

OK, well I stand by this part and the rest of my post. Again, I wish you a beautiful wedding day with your loved ones.

I really feel for you OP, I get it totally, I’m just the same myself and always have been.

But you do have time. If a lot of money has been spent spend some more and go on a hunt for an outfit that is beautiful and makes you look how you want to look. Whether it be a trouser suit or dress or whatever. Make it your mission.
You can’t be so defeatist, it’s self perpetuating and at this rate the day will be ruined because the whole lead up to it is so negative.

@Caramelvanillafudge I had a religious service in front of 2 witnesses when 8 months pregnant, overweight and wearing a reflective cycling jacket to try to hide the unflattering clothes I was wearing. I would send a photo to you so that you could think at least I look better than her, but I don't want to end up as an internet meme!

Can you match a cape/shrug with your dress?
capelet

Is there a celebrity with similar features to you that you could copy their make up style which flatters their features?

Ideas to help with neck and face, but these are more longterm than for immediate results. Some of these could help in the next month.
reduce face and neck fat

Soft-focus wedding photos

Most importantly self-care from now until the wedding. Eat healthily, exercise (endorphins, not for weight loss) and sleep well. This is is more to help with mental health than physical.

It is a bit like when hairdressers have tried to layer my hair saying in delight it will frame my face. No, no, no. My face does not need framing!
The only time I had my hair and makeup done he contoured my nose for fucking ages before finally picking up a chunk of hair and holding it almost entirely across my face to hide my nose, saying “Maybe we could try…”

Does your fiancé know how you feel about the big fancy wedding? And how you feel about how you look?

A month is plenty of time to start to feel good in your body. Not crash dieting but go low carb high protein & medium fats. Get exercising every day - sign up to classes - do HIIT twice a week, do Pilates twice a week and two days of recovery in between (long walks/gentle yoga). If you do this for four weeks I guarantee you will feel more confident in yourself.

There WILL be a hair and makeup look that is flattering on you! I think thinking about how you would do your hair if it was you doing it, and then asking the hairdresser to just do that is a good idea. That way you look “natural” it’s just a bit more polished and lasts longer than a self attempt. No need to any complicated “bridal” style.

The same with makeup - just ask for very natural - a makeup artist who has nice primers and highlighters etc will achieve a natural look for you, you’ll just look a bit more polished and it will last longer than if you did it yourself.

Finally, if you are white and pale, get a spray tan. They are so nice and natural these days and I think shave off about 4kgs to the naked eye.

can you ban all photos being taken?

that may help if you aren;t actually going to be confronted with how you looked?

(I just had a graduation as a mature student, which i was fine with, happy to walk across the stage, but when i watched it on youtube i cringed at my walk - though nice to hear a few whoops in the audience from my friends and in any photos of me and fellow students, well i am clearly 25+ years older than them - in a way i didn't feel when we were all in our casual clothes at Uni. of course to everyone else i just look like me on the day, a middle aged mature student no more, no less and smiling at getting my degree)

You're saying you're fat and ugly etc - so?? moaning about it won't change that. and if you look the same on your wedding day.. so what? People coming to the wedding already know how you look!

Stop being self-indulgent and just enjoy the day, it's a big party just have fun and accept you look the way you look. Sounds like you have lots of things to be proud of including marrying someone that loves you!

Your opinion of yourself isn't going to change quickly but you can start things to help. Look at cbt and life affirming apps. Might work for you might not but only you can try. Hair and make up just do yourself. If you want to try someone else for make up tell them no blusher and keep it minimal. Want to wear Jean's then wear them. You're putting unnecessary pressure to be someone you're not. Don't do this.

@Caramelvanillafudge some people just are honest about the way they look. It doesn’t mean that you are depressed or need therapy.

I’m the same. I call myself fat - because I am. I call myself plain looking - I really am. I’m quite dumpy.

Saying those things about myself doesn’t make me a negative person or depressed - I’m just honest with myself. I am not an attractive person. And I know it. No amount of therapy would make me look in a mirror and like what I see. I was born with a face that is not attractive - it doesn’t mean I hate myself, I can just see myself objectively.

And yes, there are beautiful looking people, quite ugly looking people and everything inbetween. Looks are the first thing we notice.

Yes indeed @Sloughsabigplace

One thing I will say (again) is I’d appreciate the weight loss advice to stop.

I don’t think I really need to ruin my fiancées day.

@Caramelvanillafudge

I’m sure you do mean it “gently” *@IntermittentParps*

Now, I don’t. I mean this quite sharply. I have fuck all interest in therapy and if you want my honest opinion I think it is a load of snake oil.

That is my view and if you happen not to share it or if you believe therapy has helped you, crack on. I don’t.

Wow that's cruel! You're the one that's posted being all self abusive and how you're so fat and ugly. Yeah you do actually need help or you're attention seeking one of the two.