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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:
SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 14:25

@Bing1983

Yeah *@SunshineOnKeith* you're right about that, it is a misunderstanding about teaching of consent. I'm not talking about a toddler consenting too being picked up - of course not. But the way you teach consent in older children is by recognising and respecting them as individuals with bodies from the outset and not just grabbing them or picking them up and taking away from what they were doing without any warning (unless in danger). That only teaches them their feelings don't matter and that you are not going to respect them as human beings. There's a balance to be had.
But it sounds like there was plenty of warning - your cleaner was affectionately chatting to him and touching him. Picking him up is a natural extension of that.

You've got sarky replies because to be honest your OP is overly dramatic and you're projecting issues of consent when you've said yourself you don't expect consent from your toddler Confused

So how exactly have you taught him a terrible lesson about consent when you don't expect it and he cannot comprehend it?
I'm confused?!?

dogmandu · 22/01/2022 14:26

@ahcmonnow

There is nothing wrong with the above explanations to your child. It's good for the interaction between mother and child and good for their language development - a thousand times better than sitting them in front of TV all day. Also good when showing them how to do something, explaining what you're doing and why where appropriate. All pretty positive and helpful things to do for your child.

ahcmonnow · 22/01/2022 14:27

[quote dogmandu]@ahcmonnow

There is nothing wrong with the above explanations to your child. It's good for the interaction between mother and child and good for their language development - a thousand times better than sitting them in front of TV all day. Also good when showing them how to do something, explaining what you're doing and why where appropriate. All pretty positive and helpful things to do for your child.[/quote]
Absolutely ridiculous to have to tell a baby what your plans are every single time you lift them up.

Interested in this thread?

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1 year olds Behaviour & development Families
HerRoyalHappiness · 22/01/2022 14:31

Absolutely ridiculous to have to tell a baby what your plans are every single time you lift them up.

I think its more ridiculous not to tell your child what you're doing as they'll then not develop appropriate social skills and will be more likely to have tantrums because they don't understand what is going on.

Mirw · 22/01/2022 14:31

He is 18 months old! He is not going to remember...Consent comes later!

CorneliusBeefington · 22/01/2022 14:35

Right OP, I understand where you're coming from, but at 18m, he isn't cognisant enough to learn the lesson you're worried you've taught him. If he was uncomfortable, he'd have kicked off.

My DS has always been very anti physical contact that wasn't instigated by him. Especially with people he was unsure of. But he was probably about 3.5 or so before we started introducing the idea of consent to him.

I've never insisted he give family members a cuddle or kiss, once he was potty trained I'd tell him I was going to wipe his bum etc. He's 5 now and he knows that he's in charge of his own body, and other people are in charge of their body. That nobody is allowed to touch him if he says no, and if they do, to tell a trusted adult. There's no such thing as secrets, secrets are bad, there are surprises, but surprises have an end point and you can tell people who the surprise isnt about etc. My DM scoffs because "everything is a negotiation" but it works for us.

Some things are non negotiable because it keeps us healthy, teeth cleaning for example, at 3 it was a battle and took ages, it's fine now and he gets it.

But I really wouldn't worry about this particular incident.

IKeptYouLikeAnOath · 22/01/2022 14:36

@dogmandu

I saw something on TV some time ago about babies and boundraries - one of the examples given was that mums should ask baby if it's OK to change their nappy, even though the babies couldn't yet answer. Maybe OP saw this and is trying desperately to be 'right on'.
Good god, what did they suggest if the baby didn't seem keen?

'Ok poppet, Mummy will just leave you in your bag of piss until you're quite sure you're ready'

Fuck me.

ahcmonnow · 22/01/2022 14:36

@HerRoyalHappiness

Absolutely ridiculous to have to tell a baby what your plans are every single time you lift them up.

I think its more ridiculous not to tell your child what you're doing as they'll then not develop appropriate social skills and will be more likely to have tantrums because they don't understand what is going on.

Funny that, none of mine ever had tantrums. Of course I would say, we are going to the shops now or time to get dressed but every single time I lifted them..100 times a day...no.
nitsandwormsdodger · 22/01/2022 14:41

I say this v kindly
If your cleaner poking his nappy or other body parts and giving him a hug brings out this reaction you most definitely have not dealt with past issues - please seek help ASAP
As he grows he will need to be taught about unwarranted touching starting with pushing and snatching at nursery / primary school and then sexual boundaries in puberty , the NSPCC have great advice on their website , I love the pantosaurous song which teaches that your body belongs only to you
There are steps you can take to safeguard him while not passing on to him your anxiety and trauma xxxx

BitterTits · 22/01/2022 14:42

This is ludicrous. Your cleaner is not a stranger. She didn't molest him.

dogmandu · 22/01/2022 14:42

@ahcmonnow
Absolutely ridiculous to have to tell a baby what your plans are every single time you lift them up.

That's not what I said. If for instance you were baking and they were in the high chair watching you might say 'Mummy's baking a cake' Then 'this is sugar' I'm mixing it with the butter'.

Do you get it now? This interaction and help goes a long way to preparing a young child for nursery or school

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 14:43

At 18 months if a safe human picks him up in a situation where he's not in danger and he looks at you for reassurance, you reassure him. He isn't berating you mentally for letting someone do something bad to him. If he was scared he'd cry, wriggle or whack her. He's literally looking going "is she safe human mama?". Just smile and sa something like "ooh are you having nice cuddles with Mary Billy?" or similar and see his reaction.

I get covid fears, I have lockdown twins but at some point he's going to go to playgroups or nursery presumably? This really is the age to socialise him

nitsandwormsdodger · 22/01/2022 14:44

What do you do when he does not consent to teeth cleaning or wearing a coat , washing ,Nappy changes going to bed etc ? Genuinely curious

lololololollll · 22/01/2022 14:46

Oh god. Calm down, honestly not trying to be mean but you can't live like this! Being picked up because he's cute is going to happen, I can't believe that's a problem. Don't make him weird about stuff

IKeptYouLikeAnOath · 22/01/2022 14:46

OP everyone tells their children what is about to happen, you don't need to have read a book for that. The rest of us don't just silently stride about the house leaving our kids baffled as to what might happen next Confused

dogmandu · 22/01/2022 14:48

@ahcmonnow
Funny that, none of mine ever had tantrums. Of course I would say, we are going to the shops now or time to get dressed but every single time I lifted them..100 times a day...no.

you have proved the weakness of your argument by having to exaggerate (100 times a day). The moment somebody does this it is a sign that they have no valid response to the original post so they have to try to make the original post look stupid.

Hugoslavia · 22/01/2022 14:52

What would happen if he was at a nursery? He's be picked up and handed around a lot. You were close to him and could smile for reassurance. It will have taught him that he will have lots of interactions with all sorts of people in his life. This is not really a consent issue at this age.

HerRoyalHappiness · 22/01/2022 14:53

every single time I lifted them..100 times a day...no.
If you have to pick up an 18 month old 100 times a day then they're clingy and insecure, probably due to a lack of communication from you.

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 14:58

@ahcmonnow you can take the piss all you want but you're only showing your own belligerence for continually choosing to misinterpret what I've said, and your ignorance in not understanding the approach being discussed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 14:59

@HerRoyalHappiness

It's actually important for language development to tell youre children what you're doing with them, so "let's change your nappy, it's stinky" "Come on up and mummy will give you a cuddle" "I'm just going to wash the pots so you sit in the high chair with some toys" It's really not that strange to talk to your child and tell them what you're doing. As for lessons around consent, he's 18 months and doesn't have the capacity to understand consent yet. Relax a little OP, its not the end if the world.
This is what I'm trying yp communicate but it seems a lot of people don't get this approach and would just grab their child and change their nappy anyway
OP posts:
Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 15:05

But it sounds like there was plenty of warning - your cleaner was affectionately chatting to him and touching him. Picking him up is a natural extension of that.

Not really no. She just picked him up. I turned my gaze for a nano second and she'd done it so there was no warning so to speak. The prodding etc has been in previous weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 15:07

@CorneliusBeefington

Right OP, I understand where you're coming from, but at 18m, he isn't cognisant enough to learn the lesson you're worried you've taught him. If he was uncomfortable, he'd have kicked off.

My DS has always been very anti physical contact that wasn't instigated by him. Especially with people he was unsure of. But he was probably about 3.5 or so before we started introducing the idea of consent to him.

I've never insisted he give family members a cuddle or kiss, once he was potty trained I'd tell him I was going to wipe his bum etc. He's 5 now and he knows that he's in charge of his own body, and other people are in charge of their body. That nobody is allowed to touch him if he says no, and if they do, to tell a trusted adult. There's no such thing as secrets, secrets are bad, there are surprises, but surprises have an end point and you can tell people who the surprise isnt about etc. My DM scoffs because "everything is a negotiation" but it works for us.

Some things are non negotiable because it keeps us healthy, teeth cleaning for example, at 3 it was a battle and took ages, it's fine now and he gets it.

But I really wouldn't worry about this particular incident.

Thanks, this is helpful and summarises what I was trying to do. Good to know about your DS.
OP posts:
jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 22/01/2022 15:08

Fuss about nothing!
I'm assuming it's your first child and you are naturally anxious over next to nothing in all aspects of your life !
You need to relax and have a word with your cleaner if you have issues with them

1forAll74 · 22/01/2022 15:09

Maybe a little odd for a cleaner to be doing what she did, and not a child minder or a nanny, but don't think you should worry too much about this, It's not going to affect your child big time. You will have to speak out,if you don't like a cleaner or anyone else, who shows some over attention to a babying situation

IKeptYouLikeAnOath · 22/01/2022 15:10

@Bing1983

But it sounds like there was plenty of warning - your cleaner was affectionately chatting to him and touching him. Picking him up is a natural extension of that.

Not really no. She just picked him up. I turned my gaze for a nano second and she'd done it so there was no warning so to speak. The prodding etc has been in previous weeks.

But...so?