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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/01/2022 15:11

How is he with the staff at nursery?

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 15:15

@IKeptYouLikeAnOath

OP everyone tells their children what is about to happen, you don't need to have read a book for that. The rest of us don't just silently stride about the house leaving our kids baffled as to what might happen next Confused

Well that's not what some posters are saying. They are saying they don't tell their toddlers what's going to happen next and implying that to do so is snowflake nonsense.

OP posts:
SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 15:16

@Bing1983

But it sounds like there was plenty of warning - your cleaner was affectionately chatting to him and touching him. Picking him up is a natural extension of that.

Not really no. She just picked him up. I turned my gaze for a nano second and she'd done it so there was no warning so to speak. The prodding etc has been in previous weeks.

Even so. Why the catastrophising about terrible lessons? And concepts of consent that you yourself don't apply and that he can't understand anyway? Why even bring that stuff into your OP?

What exactly are your concerns about your toddler receiving affection from a trusted adult? It's a normal part of socialisation

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Wnkingawalrus · 22/01/2022 15:16

Funny that, none of mine ever had tantrums. Of course I would say, we are going to the shops now or time to get dressed but every single time I lifted them..100 times a day...no

You probably do it without even thinking about it, I know I certainly do. It’s just chatting as you go about your day, not some big I won’t touch my child without telling them drama.

About to get in the car - “let’s get you in”
Upstairs to get dressed - “time to get dressed”
Putting into high chair - “it’s lunchtime, let’s get you sat”.

It’s not some underlying meaning of getting consent to pick them up. It’s just chatter.

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 15:20

@Wnkingawalrus

Funny that, none of mine ever had tantrums. Of course I would say, we are going to the shops now or time to get dressed but every single time I lifted them..100 times a day...no

You probably do it without even thinking about it, I know I certainly do. It’s just chatting as you go about your day, not some big I won’t touch my child without telling them drama.

About to get in the car - “let’s get you in”
Upstairs to get dressed - “time to get dressed”
Putting into high chair - “it’s lunchtime, let’s get you sat”.

It’s not some underlying meaning of getting consent to pick them up. It’s just chatter.

You're right. That's what I'm trying to say.

People are misunderstanding (some wilfully) the connection between this everyday community action and consent. It's about teaching the child that their body is respected and not just carting them about like they are property. This will then feed into their sense of self respect and autonomy when it comes to issues of consent later on in childhood if they do sadly encounter potential grooming.

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/01/2022 15:24

Well that's not what some posters are saying. They are saying they don't tell their toddlers what's going to happen next and implying that to do so is snowflake nonsense.

No, they're saying they don't ask permission they time.
I'm minding my granddaughter (just two) today, and doing just what I did with my own kids. Telling her what we're about to do, talking through processes, telling her when it's her last minute at a favoured place, asking her to lift up her feet so I can put her shoes on... All the natural communicative stuff.

I'm not seeking her permission. I'm just extending her language, keeping her informed, helping her feel secure with me, and fostering cooperation.

saraclara · 22/01/2022 15:24

They= every.

Peanutssuck · 22/01/2022 15:25

Consent and 18 month old in the same sentence. Heard it all now

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 15:29

@saraclara

Well that's not what some posters are saying. They are saying they don't tell their toddlers what's going to happen next and implying that to do so is snowflake nonsense.

No, they're saying they don't ask permission they time.
I'm minding my granddaughter (just two) today, and doing just what I did with my own kids. Telling her what we're about to do, talking through processes, telling her when it's her last minute at a favoured place, asking her to lift up her feet so I can put her shoes on... All the natural communicative stuff.

I'm not seeking her permission. I'm just extending her language, keeping her informed, helping her feel secure with me, and fostering cooperation.

@saraclara if you actually read my posts instead of jumping on the bandwagon you'll see that I'm doing the same as you. I'm not asking my boy, but I'm telling him before doing.
OP posts:
Beebopbopbopbopbop · 22/01/2022 15:31

Are you going to acknowledge that your child is likely pick up on your anxiety?
When he gets to nursery he will be in for a shock unless you loosen up a bit.

liveforsummer · 22/01/2022 15:35

Well that's not what some posters are saying. They are saying they don't tell their toddlers what's going to happen next and implying that to do so is snowflake nonsense.

I think everyone recognises that scarring to a child in general is great for their language development and understanding and I'm sure everyone here does so. I most think you've massively over estimated the link to consent in an 18 month old. I'm sorry you feel that people have been nasty but tbh your OP is pretty extreme, up there with the woman who wanted to make print outs for her child of around the same age to hand out about not touching them. People are a bit surprised and I guess that can be seen as unkind when it's yourself being spoken about. The couple of posts you've had as support that you've thanked are equally extreme.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 15:42

OP I've read all your posts.

You are describing two separate things. In your daily interactions with your DS, you naturally communicate what you are going to do, change his nappy, go in the car. That's just basic communication and not rocket science.

That's nothing the same as the situation you articulate with your cleaner who sounds lovely & kind to your DS.

She wasn't going to be doing anything specific. She had spoken to him & engaged with him, and today she picked him up.

You wouldn't have said 'I'm going to pick you up now' to him - it would have been an extension of your normal connection with him.

She really didn't need to ask DS anything or state she was planning to pick him up. However, maybe she could have said to you 'is it ok if I pick him up / give him a cuddle'.

You DS is fine. You're both over-thinking this & being way too anxious.

HandWash · 22/01/2022 15:42

I don't think people are being mean, just reacting to the 'OMG, the cleaner touched my baby!!' vibe of the OP.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 15:42

@HandWash

I don't think people are being mean, just reacting to the 'OMG, the cleaner touched my baby!!' vibe of the OP.
Yes, this.
PinkSyCo · 22/01/2022 15:47

Fuck me, what a shitty world we now live in. I think I want to get off. People are so fucking uptight about EVERYTHING and are going insane I’m sure of it. Confused

cafedesreves · 22/01/2022 15:50

She sounds really lovely and just keen on babies. I really wouldn't worry about it.

Billben · 22/01/2022 15:54

Holy cow OP, are you seriously this uptight in real life?

flashbac · 22/01/2022 15:55

@PinkSyCo

Fuck me, what a shitty world we now live in. I think I want to get off. People are so fucking uptight about EVERYTHING and are going insane I’m sure of it. Confused
This. Get a grip OP. Seriously.
dogmandu · 22/01/2022 16:04

About to get in the car - “let’s get you in”
Upstairs to get dressed - “time to get dressed”
Putting into high chair - “it’s lunchtime, let’s get you sat”.

but you could expand, which is partly what this is about

let's get you in, - we've got a book for you to look at while we're driving
time to get dressed - can you get your socks for me?
it's lunch time, let's get you sat - we're having fish finger sandwiches

As time goes on and the child is beginning to talk, this offers them an opportunity to answer or ask further questions. It's all good.

None of these are right or wrong, just different ways of doing things

SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 16:05

@Bing1983

People are misunderstanding (some wilfully) the connection between this everyday community action and consent.

No you're confusing it.

By making your thread title and Op all about consent when the activities you're describing are absolutely nothing to do with consent.

Cueing a behaviour eg "I'm going to put your shoes on now" has bugger all to do with consent.

Cueing that behaviour does nothing to teach your child bodily autonomy - it merely prepares them for that behaviour. In fact cueing a behaviour can override the child's feelings of bodily autonomy as you verbally prepare them for what you are planning to do regardless of how they feel about it.

You don't seem to really know very much about learning theory or about consent.
You're conflating the two and then getting upset when posters point out your confusion

SunshineOnKeith · 22/01/2022 16:06

I'm not asking my boy, but I'm telling him before doing.

So no consent then.
So why the overly dramatic and irrelevant thread title?

Woofwoofbarkbark · 22/01/2022 16:09

Do you want your child to be normal? Then let him hang out with others and let other people touch him and cuddle him.

Lock down was over a long time ago.

Why can't the cleaner give him a cuddle?

Cheekypeach · 22/01/2022 16:13

@SunshineOnKeith

I'm not asking my boy, but I'm telling him before doing.

So no consent then.
So why the overly dramatic and irrelevant thread title?

Quite.
mathanxiety · 22/01/2022 16:13

I think you need a new cleaner.

Who pokes a child in the nappy? I know there are cultures where people are far more touchy feely with babies and small children they don't know, but poking the nappy is odd.

You should have intervened earlier when you saw behaviour you weren't comfortable with - the tickling and hair stroking for instance.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 16:17

@mathanxiety

I think you need a new cleaner.

Who pokes a child in the nappy? I know there are cultures where people are far more touchy feely with babies and small children they don't know, but poking the nappy is odd.

You should have intervened earlier when you saw behaviour you weren't comfortable with - the tickling and hair stroking for instance.

🙄

She was engaging kindly with the toddler. Affectionately tapping their nappy

I can imagine exactly this - honestly the upright response to kind behaviour.