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Original poster

I have taught 18 month old a terrible lesson about consent

280 replies

Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 10:38

We have a new cleaner who has come a handful of times now. She is always saying how cute my son (18 months) is and going over to him. She sometimes tickles him, strokes his hair, prods his tummy etc. She also prodded his nappy at the front and saying "is that your nappy?" and this week I turned my gaze away for a second and she had picked DS up and was cooing over him.

DS was looking at me. Throughout all the above he looked uncomfortable and stood still with a confused look on his face. I know he was looking at me to see if this was ok. He has only ever been cuddled by us and a few select family since half his life was in lockdown with no bubble.

Anyway I am cross with myself for not intervening. I felt uncomfortable and I could see DS looked uncomfortable. But I came over all "British" and polite and felt awkward. I just sort of laughed it off and then when she put him down I scooped him away.

I know that I have unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent and boundaries - that it's ok for a stranger to touch you and you should just grin and bear it and be polite. This is my stuff that I've carried into parenting. I should have intervened. I'm feeling absolutely awful about it.

What can I do to rectify my mistake with DS? Has anyone else ever been in this position? And if another stranger picks up DS what can I say that is firm but polite?

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 22/01/2022 13:56

No other comment but He is 18 months old, basically still a potato. is honestly the best comment on this thread! 😂

blippishutup · 22/01/2022 13:57

You would teach that when they are able to understand what's ok or not and to speak up in regards to sexual abuse. As parents you teach that to your child and reassure them to never be afraid to speak up and teach them the signals which indicates this may lead to that and for them to notice early on preventing it.

My mothers consultant gave her a reassuring hug when she broke the news when dm had cancer. It's a shame this is now limited due to the pandemic but we all went home that day feeling ready to fight this disease and that reassuring hug really helped and I'm sure the consultant wasn't brought up by parents overly anxious by boundaries nor was my mother. Human contact is so important for physical, emotional and mental health and as human beings we thrive with this and it's so important for babies/toddlers social and emotional growth.

A lot of people are not piling on you, they are simply reassuring you.

Hugasauras · 22/01/2022 13:58

I do kind of know what you're saying, OP. We are careful around consent in terms of not making her hug or kiss people or have physical contact she doesn't want. But this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Children don't learn things in isolated incidents like this, or really have the emotional intelligence to worry about it in that way. It doesn't sound like he was upset, just something happened he wasn't used to, which is a common theme throughout a child's life.

It sounds like rather it being an issue of consent, it's an issue of your child not being exposed to the spontaneity of human contact which often happens with young children, either them giving it or receiving it. Are you in the UK? There should have been plenty of opportunity for 'normal' interaction with peers and others at this point, so I'd work on building resilience and physical contact with others, especially other children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families
campion · 22/01/2022 13:59

You might like to think about that saying ' it takes a village to raise a child'.

Your cleaner is, presumably, a trustworthy person. How you're jumping to possible sexual abuse is concerning. Your baby needs to get used to trusted people and he'll soon let them know if he doesn't want them to pick him up.

Cheekypeach · 22/01/2022 13:59

I actually think instilling such a fear of strangers, and a notion that any touching unless completely necessary is somehow nefarious, will give him many more issues than a cuddle from the lady that cleans the house.

So many people go on about mental health, loneliness, a lack of community, it takes a village etc but then freak out the moment anyone so much as looks at their child.

iklboo · 22/01/2022 14:00

Bless you, OP. I can understand your thinking. Try not to worry, your little one is fine. You can still teach him about consent & boundaries. He's coming up to that age where his favourite word will be 'No!' ☺️

Justgorgeous · 22/01/2022 14:02

@Strokethefurrywall I questioned what that meant and have you seen the reply ? 🤣.

Nocutenamesleft · 22/01/2022 14:02

If you carry on this way al you’ll teach him is that he’s not to feel comfortable around anyone other than immediate family

Kids pick up our fears. They have two natural fears from birth. I know one is falling. Can’t remember the other.

When he looks to you for reassurance. Give it to him.

dogmandu · 22/01/2022 14:04

I don't "ask" permission to pick up my child or change a nappy. Of course not. But I don't just grab my child roughshod without warning (unless he's in sudden danger). If you read Phillippa Perry's book on parenting she explains how telling (note* - not asking) your child what happening next can support them to feel safe. Eg "I'm putting your coat on now, and then we are getting in the pushchair".

Agree with this. It's good for their language development as well.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 22/01/2022 14:07

You say I'm going to pick you up now every time you pick him up? How ridiculous. Do you not work OP? You seem to love a bit of drama and over complicate things. Jeez

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 14:07

Also some people have misconstrued what I meant my "selected family members". I meant that due to Covid he's only met the near family and not extended family who live further away and therefore he has not had hundreds of people picking him up. I did not mean that some family members are not allowed to pick him up!! Of course not! ConfusedConfused

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/01/2022 14:07

Unwittingly taught him a terrible lesson about consent.
You are way overthinking this. What an extreme reaction.

dogmandu · 22/01/2022 14:09

@blippishutup

You would teach that when they are able to understand what's ok or not and to speak up in regards to sexual abuse. As parents you teach that to your child and reassure them to never be afraid to speak up and teach them the signals which indicates this may lead to that and for them to notice early on preventing it.

My mothers consultant gave her a reassuring hug when she broke the news when dm had cancer. It's a shame this is now limited due to the pandemic but we all went home that day feeling ready to fight this disease and that reassuring hug really helped and I'm sure the consultant wasn't brought up by parents overly anxious by boundaries nor was my mother. Human contact is so important for physical, emotional and mental health and as human beings we thrive with this and it's so important for babies/toddlers social and emotional growth.

A lot of people are not piling on you, they are simply reassuring you.

Great post!
saraclara · 22/01/2022 14:10

@Bing1983

Also some people have misconstrued what I meant my "selected family members". I meant that due to Covid he's only met the near family and not extended family who live further away and therefore he has not had hundreds of people picking him up. I did not mean that some family members are not allowed to pick him up!! Of course not! ConfusedConfused
To be fair, there is no "of course". You said "selected" and selected means 'chosen'. So we were bound to think that you felt that you only approved of a few!

You'd have been better saying 'only the few family members we've been able to see'

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 14:10

Yeah @SunshineOnKeith you're right about that, it is a misunderstanding about teaching of consent. I'm not talking about a toddler consenting too being picked up - of course not. But the way you teach consent in older children is by recognising and respecting them as individuals with bodies from the outset and not just grabbing them or picking them up and taking away from what they were doing without any warning (unless in danger). That only teaches them their feelings don't matter and that you are not going to respect them as human beings. There's a balance to be had.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 14:12

@ahcmonnow like I said if you read my post properly, instead of projecting your own assumptions into me, I tell him, not ask. So no I wouldn't say "is that ok".

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/01/2022 14:12

Surely the way most people signal that they're about to pick up a child is to put their arms out?

Icecreamandapplepie · 22/01/2022 14:14

She sounds lovely making a fuss over your toddler!

What a world that this could be construed in such an awful way Confused

Original poster
Bing1983 · 22/01/2022 14:14

@dogmandu

I don't "ask" permission to pick up my child or change a nappy. Of course not. But I don't just grab my child roughshod without warning (unless he's in sudden danger). If you read Phillippa Perry's book on parenting she explains how telling (note* - not asking) your child what happening next can support them to feel safe. Eg "I'm putting your coat on now, and then we are getting in the pushchair".

Agree with this. It's good for their language development as well.

Thank you @dogmandu
OP posts:
timeforteaforyouandme · 22/01/2022 14:18

At 18mo he is looking for your feedback/reassurance not saying wtaf to you

As in do we trust this person

Also if he really wasn't happy he's capable of wailing or bopping her on the head by 18mo or if not now then soon.

ahcmonnow · 22/01/2022 14:18

[quote Bing1983]@ahcmonnow like I said if you read my post properly, instead of projecting your own assumptions into me, I tell him, not ask. So no I wouldn't say "is that ok".[/quote]
You tell him you are going to pick him up......emmmmm ok.

Hugo I am going to pick you up now and put you on your playmat.
Hugo I am going to pick you up now and move you closer to the toys.
Hugo I am going to pick you up now because I can smell a stinky.
Hugo I am going to take off your trousers now.
Hugo I am going to take off the dirty nappy
Hugo I am going to put a new one on.
Hugo I am going to put your trousers back on and put you in a sitting position and put this nappy in a nappy bag.
Hugo I am going to pick you up and give you a cuddle.

Ok then...

MyQuietPlace · 22/01/2022 14:20

He's a baby, he doesn't know anything about boundaries etc. The lady did nothing wrong, she simply cuddled him. No harm in that. Seriously, get a grip

HandWash · 22/01/2022 14:21

@dogmandu

I don't "ask" permission to pick up my child or change a nappy. Of course not. But I don't just grab my child roughshod without warning (unless he's in sudden danger). If you read Phillippa Perry's book on parenting she explains how telling (note* - not asking) your child what happening next can support them to feel safe. Eg "I'm putting your coat on now, and then we are getting in the pushchair".

Agree with this. It's good for their language development as well.

I'm a bit confused now Confused

Adding language to your actions is indeed great for a toddlers speech development, but it hasn't got anything to do with consent. So if the woman had said "I'm going to pick you up now." first, then you wouldn't have minded?

HerRoyalHappiness · 22/01/2022 14:23

It's actually important for language development to tell youre children what you're doing with them, so "let's change your nappy, it's stinky"
"Come on up and mummy will give you a cuddle"
"I'm just going to wash the pots so you sit in the high chair with some toys"
It's really not that strange to talk to your child and tell them what you're doing.
As for lessons around consent, he's 18 months and doesn't have the capacity to understand consent yet. Relax a little OP, its not the end if the world.

CloneAViralMess · 22/01/2022 14:24

I get it OP. Good on you for not letting the nastiness here get under your skin.

Perhaps you could say what you've said here, that he's not used to being picked up by different people because of covid lockdowns etc and you're just trying to ease him into whatever.
I use that kind of excuse when people with a mask on bend down to my young child, speak loudly trying to get their voice heard through the mask (!) trying to be overly friendly but honestly it's quite confronting when someone three times your size shouts at you, no matter how friendly, with a mask on and you can't really see their expression- I just tell them that my child doesn't like the masks and finds them a bit intimidating.