To think 'keeping a house' is a sodding full time job?

[2022herewego]

I work part time and have two DC under three, a dog and a cat.

I find looking after the house so difficult - the cooking (I try to cook from scratch 95% of the time as don't really like the taste of oven meals), cleaning, meal planning, shopping, laundry, general DIY, decluttering (have to do this regularly or we just have no space) keeping the garden looking just about okay and life admin all really gets on top of me and I feel like I'm totally drowning in it sometimes.

I know most of us have to work, sort childcare and run a house - so does everyone else find it 'all consuming' and never-ending or am I doing something wrong? I do try some hacks like batch cooking and the TOMM method but even so, I really struggle to keep on top of it all.

How does everyone else manage?

I agree. I am doing the same hours in my new job as I was in my old job but over different and more days. I feel like there is no time to do anything to the standard I like to and I'm not enjoying it at all. Plus
I don't feel like I have the time to exercise and do errands. How people do full time and keep on top of everything I don't know.

Tis shovelling snow in a blizzard.
At the height of it in my life (2 teens and a toddler), I used to take a photo of the relatively clean and tidy house just before the eldest ones came home as proof to myself that I had bothered.

This post is making me feel better! I have two kids under 6 (one a toddler, one awaiting assessment for special needs) and the house is mostly clean and tidy ish. I work four days and can’t afford a cleaner like most of you seem to.

What helps me is:

• only have the kids half the week
• do some jobs on my lunch break at home
• very very easy meals (baked potatoes, scrambled eggs on toast, pizza, we’re all still alive)
• ‘wildlife’ garden!
• no pets
• about 1-2 hours housework a day.

But yeah…. exhausted. Especially from extra jobs when something breaks. That can push me over the edge. There’s constantly old clothes to get rid of as they grow out of them.

I am a single parent to 2 secondary age DC and I identify with everything you say.
I know people say 'Lower your standards' and by many peoples' high standards I probably do and have.

But for me I find it so hard to get on with any work (office job but wfh) with all the clutter and mess around. I can't concentrate on my work with all the stuff.

I can handle the bathroom needing cleaning as that's a bit more out of sight but the endless dishwasher emptying / stacking, cooking, washing that needs hanging out, the leaves in the garden that still haven't been swept up, the leaves on the carpet that have blown in through the front door that need hoovering up.. then (and this is a big issue in my house (my fault for not training them better)...The general stuff and clutter that the DC leave around. I sound like a stuck record until I end up doing it myself 'because it's quicker' . And still less of my actual work gets done.

I need to look into a cleaner once every 2 weeks. I can't afford every week but in my head it will force me to keep it more tidy between the times she / he comes so I don't have to spend 3 hours 'tidying for the cleaner' beforehand.

Sorry my only not v useful offering is that I have started using a work space near my house once a week where I am absolutely at my most productive - it's brilliant as thoughts of my messy house don't even empty my head.

Cooking is a huge one for me as I like to cook from scratch but I find I can do curries/bolgnase (obvs not the one stewed for hours) with a bit of multitasking in 30 mins. I use a chopper for garlic and onion. I will also meal plan.

In the back of my head is home insurance for renewal so I need to look into that - but this year i might just renew with who we have as work is hectic. I’m self employed but it’s full on and Jan is our busiest time.

DH remembers things not often in time he has a PA at work and I feel like his PA at home! I’ve kicked off a couple of times when he says remind me of X or Y and I’m like stick it in your ducking diary and remember it for yourself - my bad though is I do have an amazing memory and literally can’t get dates/etc out of my head so just end up doing it all.

Women used to give up work when they married to keep house. Now we seem to try and maintain the same standards but work. Something has to give; standards, cooking from scratch or work. I believe strongly that women have been conditioned by society to see "the house" as a reflection of them and their worth. My mum is always saying things like "nurses are slatterns." Me, yup, spend 50-60 hours a week working and doing house stuff. It is madness.

IMO it depends on how particular you are. If you’re the sort of person who needs to ‘deep clean’ often, and can’t relax if there’s any mess and dust, then it’s bound to be hard work.

IMO it was far more of a full time job for most people when I was a child - cooking everything from scratch, because there was hardly any alternative, no central heating, so fires to be laid and messy ashes cleared every day in winter, no automatic washing machine, so washing took ages, no disposable nappies, etc.

On the plus side then, usually a lot less ‘stuff’ to clutter up the space - children would usually have far fewer toys.

I have noticed there’s a lot less housework to do since my ex-husband left. It got easier almost instantly! No more huge clothes to wash. No more gadgets constantly brought home cluttering up the place. So I recommend being single!

Genuinely, what the hell are you all doing that takes hours every day? Don't do it to yourselves! 2 very small kids and a job and I just don't recognise this at all. My house is reasonably passable. Make your kids tidy their toys up every night, just get a big box to chuck them all in. Throw all your stuff away. Hoovering and dusting once a week takes about half an hour if there isn't shit everywhere. 5 mins to run hoover round downstairs if needed in between. Kitchen wiped down after tea while everyone is still in situ and contained in highchairs. Bathroom once a week with wipes used for any horrors in between while kids are in bath.

@Insertdeadcatsnamehere

Genuinely, what the hell are you all doing that takes hours every day? Don't do it to yourselves! 2 very small kids and a job and I just don't recognise this at all. My house is reasonably passable. Make your kids tidy their toys up every night, just get a big box to chuck them all in. Throw all your stuff away. Hoovering and dusting once a week takes about half an hour if there isn't shit everywhere. 5 mins to run hoover round downstairs if needed in between. Kitchen wiped down after tea while everyone is still in situ and contained in highchairs. Bathroom once a week with wipes used for any horrors in between while kids are in bath.

This. It takes me 30 minutes to hoover my house, I do it once a week.

I’m with @Insertdeadcatsnamehere and @Waxonwaxoff0. I never grasp exactly what it is that people are actually spending all that housework time on, and the explanations on here sound insanely over-particular and infused with unreconstructed ideas about ‘cleaning = female morality’.

Genuinely, what the hell are you all doing that takes hours every day? Don't do it to yourselves! 2 very small kids and a job and I just don't recognise this at all. My house is reasonably passable. Make your kids tidy their toys up every night, just get a big box to chuck them all in. Throw all your stuff away. Hoovering and dusting once a week takes about half an hour if there isn't shit everywhere. 5 mins to run hoover round downstairs if needed in between. Kitchen wiped down after tea while everyone is still in situ and contained in highchairs. Bathroom once a week with wipes used for any horrors in between while kids are in bath

This just lists cleaning. What takes me time every day is:

• Dishes (have a dishwasher but it still takes time, some things need hand washing, wiping down and cleaning sink, etc)
• laundry - sorting, washing, hanging up, taking down, folding - usually 1 wash a day
• cooking (though I’m training the kids)
• shopping - even online shopping takes time but I prefer going in person as shops are local
• bins - usually one of main kitchen bin, recycling, composting or room bins.
• plus cleaning bathroom, changing beds, tidying etc but I don’t do these every day, just fit them in when I can.

Things like hoovering are the least of it.

@QueenPeony

Genuinely, what the hell are you all doing that takes hours every day? Don't do it to yourselves! 2 very small kids and a job and I just don't recognise this at all. My house is reasonably passable. Make your kids tidy their toys up every night, just get a big box to chuck them all in. Throw all your stuff away. Hoovering and dusting once a week takes about half an hour if there isn't shit everywhere. 5 mins to run hoover round downstairs if needed in between. Kitchen wiped down after tea while everyone is still in situ and contained in highchairs. Bathroom once a week with wipes used for any horrors in between while kids are in bath

This just lists cleaning. What takes me time every day is:

• Dishes (have a dishwasher but it still takes time, some things need hand washing, wiping down and cleaning sink, etc)
• laundry - sorting, washing, hanging up, taking down, folding - usually 1 wash a day
• cooking (though I’m training the kids)
• shopping - even online shopping takes time but I prefer going in person as shops are local
• bins - usually one of main kitchen bin, recycling, composting or room bins.
• plus cleaning bathroom, changing beds, tidying etc but I don’t do these every day, just fit them in when I can.

Things like hoovering are the least of it.

Surely that doesn't take hours every day though? Taking the bin out takes less than 5 minutes. And you go shopping every day?

I have noticed there’s a lot less housework to do since my ex-husband left. It got easier almost instantly! No more huge clothes to wash. No more gadgets constantly brought home cluttering up the place. So I recommend being single!

Second this! It must be lovely to have a DH or dp who does an equal share. But mine didn’t and also added to the mess, and trying to get him to pull his weight was just another chore and caused arguments.

I remember he’d get himself a snack like some toast, and leave crumbs, open butter and jam out of the fridge, and a sticky knife put down on the worktop instead of in the sink or dishwasher. I had a choice of A) cleaning up after him b) asking him to and causing a row c) leaving it so the food went bad. Or d) leaving him!

I don’t shop every day but probably pick up a few things most days and I accept that’s my decision. The shops are literally 2 minutes away and I combine it with other errands.

In all I probably spend 2-3 hours a day on this and other housework, admin, etc. That’s manageable but I don’t have time for much cleaning, ironing, etc. I also admit I often cook from scratch as I prefer it, but still not anything complicated.

It’s not much time if you have all day, but I’m self-employed and often working a long day, plus kids want me to spend time with them, plus whatever else comes up like taking cat to vet, car to fixer etc etc there’s always something.

I recommend a cleaner. No more food in the bedrooms this is your new household rule. You can print out some useful recipes (use bbcgoodfood) online or look at cookbooks in the shops etc for inspiration.

There are many useful cookbooks available on Amazon, in your local bookshop/library and at garden centers too. You can order takeouts as well. When I was a kid, my mom bought a ready meal from a supermarket on her way back home from work during the week. Have a look to see what you can find.

This was a big part of the reason I got divorced. I was running a big house single handedly, parenting solo, all the mental load as my DH didn't see it as his problem. He would tell me to hire people to help which was another unsuccessful job to add to my nevetending list. I was also trying to retrain to get some financial independence from him. Just couldn't do it all, had an epiphany and decided to get out.

Smaller house and garden, still solo parenting but much much happier. DP properly shares the load.

I am encouraging my DD to concentrate on a good career and an equal relationship in future. Also to challenge the socialising that encourages women to do it all where I think this stems from. It's madness.

But again, a cleaner cleans. They don’t do the daily tasks like dishes and laundry, unless they come every day.

I’m not saying it’s impossible- as I’ve said upthread, I’m ok with not keeping up with it all and just aiming for basic standards, and prioritising other things. I am definitely not putting pressure on myself to have a sparkling clean hinchified home! But I do find it all exhausting.

God I'm so glad it's not just me. On maternity leave with an 8 month old and a 4 year old in school. Can't keep up with things as it is, will be going back to work full time term time in a couple of months. No idea how we are going to cope. All I can do is batch cook as many meals as possible in the holidays ( spending 3/4 days at it) so we rarely have to cook. Was hoping to get a cleaner but with the cost of living rises recently thats now out of the question. Bah humbug. I've followed Tomm for years and only fell off the wagon when the baby was a couple of months old and just can't get back on again, despite paying for a once off clean to reset things. My DH does more than his fair share. Rarely iron.

Agree. I have 3 dogs 2 cats and DH and it's a never ending shit hole lol 😆
It stays lovely for a couple of hours though and I sit and bask in my accomplishments and then start again with the hoover 😄

@QueenPeony

But again, a cleaner cleans. They don’t do the daily tasks like dishes and laundry, unless they come every day.

I’m not saying it’s impossible- as I’ve said upthread, I’m ok with not keeping up with it all and just aiming for basic standards, and prioritising other things. I am definitely not putting pressure on myself to have a sparkling clean hinchified home! But I do find it all exhausting.

I think Mn promulgates weirdly limited ideas of what cleaners do, though. I pay my cleaner for a period of time, and within that time, she does whatever I need her to do — tidying, laundry, changing bedlinen etc. She also works for several neighbours, and I know she does things like dog walk, accept and put away grocery deliveries etc.

I’ve had different cleaners in different countries for years, and don’t recognise the popular Mn idea that a cleaner must be tidied for, and that s/he then walks into a house of entirely object-free floors and surfaces which to be deep-cleaned. Our cleaners have always tidied.

But it’s still only one day. I understand I could ask them to do other stuff (I’ve worked as a cleaner myself and did all sorts) but they can’t do the dishes and laundry for the week.

I kept on top of it relatively easily because I only worked part time.

When ds's were tiny at the end of the day, I got them to put all their toys away, as if were part of the game, they never knew anything else. Or, I picked up all their toys which were on one of those mats marked as a train track and in one second the whole lot was in the toy trunk. Lounge tidy. During the day, A quick 5 minute hoover, put on a load of washing and hang it out on the heated rack, as they played.

Batch cooked quite a lot, so pull out a bag of spag bol in the morning and then in evening 20 minutes cook spaghetti garlic bread spag bol is ready for all four of us. put in dishwasher, kids to bed, sit down with DH for a couple of hours. No cleaning needed.

Or when I was at work and them at nursery, Obviously they weren't playing, obviously I didn't do the quick hoover and a load of washing in the day, but I still got the spag bol or out in the morning so when I came home from work dinner was ready within a few minutes. A load of washing on and then hung out and I still got lots of time to sit back and talk to Dh.

I am naturally organised and quite minimalist home. I deal with every email and letter as it comes in and I always have done so I was always prepared for any mufti day or any parents evening or dentist appointment.

You need to lower your standards, do a bit every day, and be organised, and normally that is enough to get by.

Yes I absolutely agree. I can never get On Top if it. I don't feel I do a good job at home, or at work. I'm a single mum so it's all on me. I just do what I can do and try and content myself with that.
Weirdly I seemed better at managing it when The dd's were little-odd as they were physically harder work then . I guess now I'm 15 years older and more tired, and the emotional challenges of dealing with two teen girls are more draining than anything i faced when they were toddlers. I just can't be arsed to be fussed about the house above the basics.

@scooterbear

Yes I absolutely agree. I can never get On Top if it. I don't feel I do a good job at home, or at work. I'm a single mum so it's all on me. I just do what I can do and try and content myself with that. Weirdly I seemed better at managing it when The dd's were little-odd as they were physically harder work then . I guess now I'm 15 years older and more tired, and the emotional challenges of dealing with two teen girls are more draining than anything i faced when they were toddlers. I just can't be arsed to be fussed about the house above the basics.

But it’s perfectly possible that your idea of ‘the basics’ more than matches my idea of ‘as much housework as I would ever want to do’.