To think 'keeping a house' is a sodding full time job?

[2022herewego]

I work part time and have two DC under three, a dog and a cat.

I find looking after the house so difficult - the cooking (I try to cook from scratch 95% of the time as don't really like the taste of oven meals), cleaning, meal planning, shopping, laundry, general DIY, decluttering (have to do this regularly or we just have no space) keeping the garden looking just about okay and life admin all really gets on top of me and I feel like I'm totally drowning in it sometimes.

I know most of us have to work, sort childcare and run a house - so does everyone else find it 'all consuming' and never-ending or am I doing something wrong? I do try some hacks like batch cooking and the TOMM method but even so, I really struggle to keep on top of it all.

How does everyone else manage?

No idea how to solve it but completely agree OP

I haven't read through all posts but glad to see what I've read echos my own thoughts: lower your standards (considerably), get help where possible, don't try and be perfect at everything.

My husband works full time, I work part time, we have two kids under 6 and it's an absolute nightmare on a daily basis. We're still often sleep disturbed too, so that really doesn't help. We have a cleaner, she comes fortnightly and we would literally sink without this. I spend my days off work keeping heads above water and the place in a decent enough position that the cleaner can actually clean.

Look after your mental health. I know it sounds cliche but it's important. Most nights I get to a certain time (usually about 8.30/9pm) and I stop. Just stop housework things. If it's not been done then I'm not starting at that time of night. I do something for myself, whether that's sit and watch telly or go for a walk on lighter nights then that's what I do. Shove the crap to the side of the sofa, put my feet up and do something for myself for an hour before going to bed.

Lastly, don't compare yourself to anyone else. I've got friends who post perfect family photos and posts on Facebook - nice tidy kids in matching outfits standing in a super tidy living room with strategically placed plumped cushions and visible hoover lines on the carpet. I can't help myself but think "they're both working too, how the hell do they manage it?!" If my kids are wearing a pair of socks from the same pack, we're having a good day. So, I try and scroll past them as quickly as possible.

The only stuff that gets ironed in this house is school uniform, DH work shirts (he does them himself as he’s ex-military and very fussy about them 😜), and the occasional item of my own that is just too creased! The majority of stuff doesn’t need ironing if you fold it and put it away once it’s dry.

@SalsaLove

I think a lot of women realise that there will be years, when their children are younger, that they can’t do everything. Certainly not without help. Be at peace with it.

This with bells on hence I have a cleaner. In fact DH does a lot (loads/unloads dishwasher, bathes the kids - will put them to bed, help with homework, help with clothes washing/putting away) he works in a stressful job does about 12 hours a day and sometimes weekends. I work on average 3-4 days a week. But children a bit older 10 and 7 so do play together and fight! But having a cleaner every week for the past 4 years has been our saviour! And she’s lovely and a friend now.

Do you have a partner? if so one that does their fair share helps. Otherwise I have 3 kids and will be going to work once my mat leave is over. I don't have pets or won't be having any until the kids are much older and even then I doubt it. I prioritise tasks so laundry gets done on set days because I hate having clothes drying all over the house or waiting to be folded and put away. I do lots of tasks as I go along, so I will clean kids bedrooms as I get them ready for school in the morning, put a wash on whilst having their breakfast. Clothes are ironed the night before and hung up, baby bag repacked as I use it and placed by the door. I cook from scratch but make enough so one meal covers two days so I don't have to cook everyday. I will freeze left overs if not having the second day and we will have it when I can't be bothered to cook. Meal planning is done on a Thursday (when I clean the fridge)and everyone gets to choose or have a say. The kitchen is cleaned as I go along and hoovering is done in the evening and at the most 3x a week for now, I dust once a week but clean the shower and toilets daily (bath gets cleaned after use). I make use of my dishwasher too. Once I hp back to work I will be getting a cleaner in once a week or fortnight to do a deeper clean. My standards are a lot lower than normal but this might be my last baby and I want to savour as much as I can. I'd rather cuddle her than clean skirting boards so the stuff that isn't a priority isn't getting done.

@Notahandmaid

I don't manage. The house is a tip! We tidy up when people come round which thankfully hasn't been very often since the pandemic struck.

I used to commute an hour each way to work and wouldn't get home until nearly 7pm each night. Now I work from home. I don't know how I managed before.

Definitely not a domestic goddess here! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you have my sympathy.

Exactly!! Pandemic and not having people over has been a huge relief. Let us not forget that 'hosting at home' is quite a recent social investment with a newly created middle class in the 1930s trying to emulate their stately home betters who had staff and didn't work. I have been so glad not to have people over all the time it's amazing. Am sticking with this.

Just lower your standards. I use lots of ready to use ingredients like frozen diced onion, frozen sliced garlic. On work days dinner is very simple, something I've slow cooked on my day off, jackets or pasta and sauce.

It is so hard - I worked long hours in a pretty stressful, well paid job (leave at 7am - home at 7pm ish), a lot of travel - staying away once or twice a week.

My husband works from home - so was great at doing the washing and keeping stuff 'surface tidy',. Was also brilliant with the DC - did the nursery / school runs / bath time etc but alway trying to catch up with cleaning at the weekend. I tried to cook decent meals from scratch - so always rushing in to start cooking etc

We were looking in to getting a cleaner and moving to a bigger (expensive mortgage) house. Then I had a months paid sabbatical from work as a 'thank you' for all my hard work. For the first time, I felt I could breath. I did the school run, I cleaned and organised and spent time on nothing. Had daytime dates with my husband when the kids were at school. Realised that we were happier.

So on my first day back I resigned. We stopped looking for a cleaner, didn't move, sold the 2nd car and have foreign holidays every other year. We have a lot less money (I now work a few hours a week) - but looking back, I think I was probably at breaking point.

We can't do it all - having a partner who does their share helps. But if you can afford it - pay for help. Cleaner / gardener etc - whatever you need.

We get one chance in this world - Live.

I have a cleaner I don't invite people over apart from play dates for DD , minimal gardening just mow the lawn.

Completely sympathise OP, it’s like painting the Forth Bridge.

I do work FT.

• I don’t have animals
• kids are in school during the day and before that were in daycare
• I have a cleaner
• DH works longer hours than me but also does a ton of housework
• He is very much an equal parent and pitches in with school stuff (he’s actually on the PTA)
• kids are roped into daily tidying and have been since they were very young.

Last weekend they pitched in and did the recycling and tidying up their own room. DH and I did the laundry and the ironing. Kids put away their own clothes. (5 and 10). I hoovered. We did it all together- so it’s not a ‘thing.’ But it’s good for the kids to learn how a house runs and to see both parents doing chores. He took them out while I made dinner. Everyone sat down to eat, they all helped to load the dishwasher.

Kids toys are frequently decluttered and are stored in such a way (IKEA Kallax clearly separated) that it is easy for them to know what goes where.

We meal plan. DH and I batch cook. We coordinate our timetables. We don’t get a lot of time with each other but we are both ok with that.

My DH looked after the kids whilst I worked full time. I had to do all the washing, shopping, have kids all weekend and he only cleaned if I moaned! He did cook, which was great, but honestly dropping the kids off at school, sitting watching TV, picking up the kids and cooking a meal is not the best use of time. Leaving it all to me was really tough, we nearly split up because of it but we didn't. By 2012 I had taken a redundancy and semi retired, working self employed part time. This was the best time in our marriage, kids were 8/9 and we did loads of house things together. Even picked up the kids once a week and took them to the pub for lunch.
I haven't got the answer but I know once we'd started pulling together instead of each having xyz job, things were great!

My 8 year old is now much better at keeping tidy than she used to be (she makes her room up every morning, I’m relishing it while it lasts!) my 4 year old is like a whirlwind of mess who can undo a tidy room in 0.3 seconds.

I hoover every couple of days or more. Bed done fortnightly. Don’t iron. Bathroom gets wiped down when the kids are in the shower. The only thing that really gets done daily is emptying and filling the dishwasher. I haven’t mopped my kitchen floor in a week and I swept it this morning but the sweepings are in a pile in the corner. Dh has worked a double shift 2 days in a row and by the time the kids are in bed I’m too knackered to do much!

It is endless, or it can be.

All i would say is that some stuff you have to let go.

And also, I have recently discovered that working F/T and outsourcing some of the jobs is actually better than working P/T and spending your days "off" doing them. If you can, try to spend your days off with the children rather than doing endless housework.

Good luck!

@stuntbubbles

The three-step plan is:

1. Lower your standards.
2. Hire out cleaning, gardening, everything you can.
3. Drink.

decluttering (have to do this regularly or we just have no space)
I suspect – and who can blame you because just making a cup of tea is impossible with DC underfoot – you’re not doing it right! It should be a one-fell-swoop GIANT ONE-TIME-ONLY declutter. And then just maintenance aka stop the influx: limit gifts, toys are one in one out, post gets dealt with straight away, etc.

I completely agree. I continue to follow this plan now all children are adults and one has left home.

If you want to enhance the plan somewhat, add a pre step of an additional drink before step one.

Personally I blame the cat. He leaves his fur everywhere and refuses to learn how to use the vacuum cleaner. He eats us out of house and home, but will neither shop nor cook. He sleeps all day then is out all night up to no good. I’m surprised the police have not contacted us about his behaviour. He treats us with contempt and brings no money into the house. If fact he is just like a teenager!

We still love him though!

Seriously OP you have my compassion, it does get easier in time as children grow. (The cat doesn’t change though).

Before my two started school we had a cleaner. It made such a difference to my mental health and made a massive difference. It wasn't too expensive either, the price of a takeaway and totally worth it!

Share the load with a partner. Hire a cleaner and a gardener if you're able to. Don't iron unless absolutely necessary. Plan easy meals. We've had chicken tikka wraps for tea tonight. All home made but only took half an hour to cook and put together. These early years are brutal, be kind to yourself!

I can’t say I find this but then maybe I just have extremely low standards!

We have a dishwasher so that’s dishes taken care of - we load as we go and let it air dry, only takes 5 mins to put away. Once a month I run a cleaning product through the dishwasher to keep it clean.
Clothes dont take long to bung in the washer and 5 mins to hang up to dry. No separating whites or anything like that, it all goes in as one and never had a disaster…yet! We do maybe 2 - 3 loads a week. Same as dishwasher, the washing machine itself is cleaned once a month.
Hoovering, dusting and bathrooms are done on a Saturday.
Tidying is done as we go, just picking up at the end of the day.
Kitchen wiped down after cooking.
I batch cook to save time. No meal planning as such though, just whatever we fancy on a given week/what needs eaten. I also freeze chopped onion, etc so prep time is reduced. I chop them all at once and freeze what I don’t need at that moment.

With regards to ‘life admin’, there’s a planner on the fridge and if it’s important It goes on that. Finances are managed through a spreadsheet which I update weekly by writing up receipts etc. All payments are DD so no thought required there. Savings are made by monthly standing order. It all just ‘happens’ so it just needs casual monitoring.

Pet care is easy enough. Snake is cleaned out on a Monday, and fed on a Tuesday. Once every few months I order a bag of rats, a bag of bedding and a bag of moss. Same order, no thought required.
On Sunday evenings I feed and spot clean 33 tarantulas. This takes around an hour. That’s it for pet care.

So really, my solution is routine and simplicity. I work full time and have no desire to spend all my time off doing home ‘work’!

@Popstarrrrr I like your thinking and would subscribe to your newsletter if I had time between all the drinking and outsourcing

Honestly, we throw money at the problem. Cleaner, ironing lady, window cleaner, used to have a dog walker (but WFH now so don’t), pay local kid to mow lawn, oven cleaning company. We also don’t have children. Only thing we ‘do’ is go to the supermarket rather than an online shop. I appreciate not everybody can afford this and it’s a luxury but if you can then you should. Our relationship is better for it too - we don’t spend anywhere near as much time talking about admin or housework.

I have 7 indoor pets and two children and a partner that doesn't help.
I am drowning.

It is hard work and can feel all-consuming if you do not lower your standards! Seriously, your home is going to eb chaos for a few years - embrace it!!!

I was a social worker for some years and I was always very wary about tidy homes where there were young children - a healthy mess was much preferable - it meant that the children were living!

@modgepodge

Agree. Feel like I’m drowning in mess constantly.

Same.

If your house is tidy, it's easy to clean.
My house is an absolute shithole.
If there's stuff everywhere, you can't clean what's beneath it.
In this house it's 1 tidyish person Vs one adult slattern (who's untrainable) and 2 kids. It's a contest I'll never win.
I've been relieved of cooking duties, but dread entering the kitchen to see all the things which never find their way back into the cupboards/drawers.
It's mess blindness or just different standards of cleanliness. It's just a shame some people's are so low.