How old would you guess this child was?

[Ohdoleavemealone]

Some of her behaviours include...

Stripping off as soon as she gets home

Being more interested in boxes of polystyrene than her toys

Having a tantrum every time she is told she cannot have something

Repeatedly asking for something she know she cannot have, and not giving up even when told no 4 times until shouted at and then goes and cries.

Hits out at people rather than using her words

Takes 30 minutes to eat a small bowl of cereal (won't have milk and eats cheerios one at a time)

Calls parents "mama and dada"

Likes to be held like a baby

Breaks most toys she owns

Thinking about the behaviour perhaps of your own child, I am wondering what age these behaviours are typical of - I know it is difficult as children develop at different rates but I am concerned about my child.

2

A good way to deal with them not taking no for an answer to is switch the question back to them.

So "when did I say you can have a biscuit?". Get them to say the words. Then you know they've listened to the answer and aren't stuck in the loop of just pushing the boundaries.

I would think all of them things put together could be a sign of being autistic regardless of her age

15?

I'm absolutely not an expert but I have an adopted nephew who is now 9. His parents definitely practice therapeutic parenting and although his behaviour can still be very challenging (and he has recently received an adhd) diagnosis, he really seems to respond to this. I attended a session run by their adoption agency designed for family of adopted children and they did cover a lot of the science behind trauma affected children.

Given her start in life she doesn't seem bad at all. She's only 6.5 and I'd say most of those things are 'normal' 🤷‍♀️

It's very normal for the development of adopted children to be affected by the trauma in their early childhood or even before birth. You might find it helpful to have a look at some of the resources on the Beacon House website. There are some really good explanations of the neuroscience behind the impact of trauma on brain development that I really recommend. Also I wonder if your post-adoption support team might be a good source of support. They may be able to help with funding for therapy following a short assessment.

I would say 2 or 3 if neurotypical but could be any age if she has autism or learning disability etc

This was my daughter at 3.

@Ohdoleavemealone

Thanks everyone. It seems I should seek some support. She is 6.5 and had a rough start to life in the foster system. Due to that we were always told she may be emotionally delayed by 12-18 months but I feel some of her behaviour is odd even for 5 year olds.

Please join “therapeutic parenting” group on Facebook. It’s very normal for children to want to ‘re-do’ those ages that they missed with you when they are adopted. So her seeking/needing to be parented like a younger child is part of the healing for her.

OP some answers here are helpful and some less so - tho tbh if you had just posted this is what my 6yo DD does, is this usual - with the vcaveats about her early life - you might have got some more constructive answers.

Sop to answer your later questions rather that your earlier one, yes I would seek some support. Tantrumming at age 6 is not usual; hitting out beyond very occasional incidents is not usual at any age IME; breaking all your toys sounds concerning too, if you mean that she appears to do it on purpose. If she is just clumsy and drops things then that may be a different concern.

As the parent of a child with SEN, I do get fed up of people who say "oh they will be OK". We had to push and push for dx of my child's additional needs so I would always recommend going to GP with list of issues and push for a referral as appropriate. Some things on your list (stripping off, baby hold, slow eating) suggest sensory issues which can link to ASC (but not always); others (tantrums, hitting) may be related to trauma and treatment during early years; others wouldn't concern me personally (what she calls you, the repeated asking for things - and you have had good advice on ways to address this actaully). HTH

DC age 7 does all of those except breaking toys and has ASD.

There are a lot of overlaps between autism and attachment disorder - have a look at the Coventry Grid. www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/sites/default/files/file/virtual-school/coventrygrid.pdf

[quote speakout]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry
Example of what I mean
"mama can I have buiscuits?"
No, tea is nearly ready
"please mama"
No, wait until after tea
"Pleaseeee"
No
"Just one?"
Not until after tea
"please just one mama"
No
Pleaseeeeeeee
NO!

Try dealing with this in a different way.

You have said no 6 times in the example- and it is still not working.

Try saying yes instead.

" Yes, you can have a biscuit after tea".
or

" Yes I hear you are hungry, lets all have a biscuit after our meal"

or "Yes biscuits are yummy, we can have one as desert after dinner"

No sometimes have to be said to children- but saying it 6 times in a short conversation renders the word NO meaningless.[/quote]
Brilliant!

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry
Example of what I mean
"mama can I have buiscuits?"
No, tea is nearly ready
"please mama"
No, wait until after tea
"Pleaseeee"
No
"Just one?"
Not until after tea
"please just one mama"
No
Pleaseeeeeeee
NO![/quote]
That sounds pretty normal for any age of child, from 3 to teens. I think many children would probably just help themselves to a biscuit anyway - if they know the answer is always going to be no, they won't bother asking!

I'd say a two year old

It doesn’t sound that odd for her age and life experience. If all of those behaviours a lot or all of the time I’d expect it from a 3-4 year old, but I know many children (including nearly 9 y o DD who is not delayed in any way) who will do some of these occasionally still. The not taking no for an answer and pushing buttons until you raise your voice is also pretty characteristic of 6-7 year olds, I’m afraid. They do go through periods of socially appropriate behaviour, and then you’ll get a period of testing the boundaries again and they can really play up when they’re doing that. I think Covid has worsened this, too, as most children have had fewer opportunities for socialisation.

On the other things, I know 6+ and 8+ year old children who are slow eaters, like to be naked, like to be held occasionally etc. - one of DD’s friends you can barely get her to put her clothes on in the summer! Any play date she goes to they come off! Then of course all the other kids follow suit…

They do still like to be held or sit on laps like a baby occasionally even at 6, 7, 8. Given your DD’s rough start to life, this one does not surprise me in the least and I think it sounds totally normal and expected.

Same with the eating. Some kids find breakfast in particular difficult for sensory reasons, even those with no SEN. Can you try offering different options? She might prefer toast or fruit to nibble on or even something savoury like crackers and cheese - a perfectly normal breakfast in lots of countries!

Do you have any parenting support groups in the community or local church near you which you could go to for a bit of support and feedback? I’m not surprised at all that a child who’s been in foster care has some of the behaviours of a slightly younger child, and it also sounds like you probably need some support too as parenting in those circumstances is very tough indeed.

Apart from the nakedness this sounds like our just turning 5 year old DS.

Frequently loses his shit over the word no, sensory issues with food, the repeating (Christ give me strength for the fucking repeating), has broken a fair amount of Xmas toys already with the strength of an ox. Definitely still mumma and dadda too.

He has an issue with nakedness so it’s the opposite here always had to be fully dressed. Even in bed where we used to argue every night about socks on in bed as he gets so hot, now we let him wear them and remove them when he’s asleep.

God love him, he drives us up the wall.

My daughter is nearly 6 and a half. She does all the things you mention except hitting instead of using words. She's academically ahead for her age, is very imaginative and is very compassionate and loving. She is INCREDIBLY sensitive to herself and other people, however and this sometimes makes things more difficult for her. I do not see any of the things you mention as issues or areas of concern, except maybe the continual hitting, but she may need constant communication with you when she's doing it. My two year old is a massive hitter - only with immediate family - and I've learnt to tell him in a firm, but never aggressive voice, "it's not nice to hit, it hurts people." If he keeps doing it, I walk out the room. If he keeps doing it to someone else, I remove him from the room. I ask if he wants a cuddle after he's stopped hitting. He's struggling to communicate his feelings and he needs support in that, but also boundaries.

Probably somewhere between 4 and 15? My kid still call me mama, sometimes still tantrum, often don’t use words appropriately … etc.
In truth though sounds like my exact four year olds. What age is she? (I don’t think any age would surprise me as all kids are different and often no as I expected).

3 or 4.
Or if in a posh area of London, 28.

CPTSD can present like ADHD.

Stripping off as soon as she gets home - 2

Being more interested in boxes of polystyrene than her toys

Also you really should avoid shouting at a traumatised child. It really does feel like the end of the world/ life threatening to them.

Sorry, just saw your update of 6.5. Still perfectly normal according to my experience. I was very surprised how different children would be from expectations. It took me about ten years to get get used to the idea. In your case, I don’t think it’s anything atypical but if you’re concerned you should speak to their teacher/ doctor.

Anywhere from 2-7 or so.
The higher end would not generally have all the behaviours, though, in a NT child, so I'd go for 2-4