Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How old would you guess this child was?

247 replies

Ohdoleavemealone · 17/01/2022 18:55

Some of her behaviours include...

Stripping off as soon as she gets home

Being more interested in boxes of polystyrene than her toys

Having a tantrum every time she is told she cannot have something

Repeatedly asking for something she know she cannot have, and not giving up even when told no 4 times until shouted at and then goes and cries.

Hits out at people rather than using her words

Takes 30 minutes to eat a small bowl of cereal (won't have milk and eats cheerios one at a time)

Calls parents "mama and dada"

Likes to be held like a baby

Breaks most toys she owns

Thinking about the behaviour perhaps of your own child, I am wondering what age these behaviours are typical of - I know it is difficult as children develop at different rates but I am concerned about my child.

OP posts:
Insanelysilver · 17/01/2022 20:46

I think if you’re worried I’d ask the GP or the school / nursery for advise about whether they think there’s anything to be concerned about. They might do an assessment and also maybe check hearing, eyesight etc

C152 · 17/01/2022 20:47

I would have said 2, but I see from your update she is older. Any anticipated developmental delay will only be a guess...she may be more advanced in some areas and take longer to 'get' others. I would talk to your professional support network about any concerns, but try not to measure the child's progress against generic lists online.

Mo1911 · 17/01/2022 20:48

@ShinyHappyPoster

No matter how often she asks, a request for biscuits shouldn't really end in shouting. You sound at the end of your tether, do you not have any support? Because stripping off; asking for the same thing repeatedly, taking ages to eat cereal, etc, aren't unusual behaviours. It sounds as though it's escalating where her behaviours are hitting up against your expectations. And the problem is your expectations - not your child.
Well said.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

olympicsrock · 17/01/2022 20:49

My 6.5 year old frequently strips off
Will also have a tantrum if told no or given warning of an activity even if something he likes.
Likes to play in boxes.
Likes to call me Mama and play babies
A tricky eater
But Is not violent ( hardly ever) and takes care of his toys.

Sounds like yours is emotionally immature but otherwise ok. Perhaps 12-18 months behind emotionally

Mo1911 · 17/01/2022 20:49

@theqentity

The red flags here are all to do with parenting and parental attitude, not the child.
Yup. I agree completely
mathanxiety · 17/01/2022 20:50

The problem set you are looking at is attachment based and stems from being abused or neglected in her early days, which resulted in her gaining to feel secure or proper connected to her primary caregiver.

Pleading for stuff is seeking connection and reassurance that you are there to give her what she needs and to love her. She doesn't understand this yet The tantrums are bewilderment. Please be very gentle with her and try not to shout even though you are feeling frustrated. Reassure her that feeling you really, really want something is fine, but ask her to trust you when you say Not today, or Later. Each no should be accompanied by a hug.

Ask her to understand that when you tell her No you have a loving reason for doing so, that you are her mother and you will only give her what is good for her. You can ask her not to keep on asking when you have said no, but compliance here will take time to develop.

Make sure you follow every No with a hug and 'I love you'. Try distraction too, especially if it involves doing something together.

Hugging strangers is a sign of complete lack of attachment to a single, loving caregiver and/ or negligence-abuse in early years. You can try talking to her about reserving put hugs for the people we know who love us, and list those people.

The stripping off isn't necessarily autism - some children find it very hot when they come indoors compared to the outdoors.

It may also be in the same category of behaviour as the hugging strangers - a poor sense of boundaries due to abuse or neglect and attachment absence as a baby and toddler. I would teach her that she can dress in indoor clothes inside the home, and that the people who love her would like to see her dressed. Tell her that mamas and dadas always dress their babies. You can help her to dress even though she's a bit old for that. A lot of your work here will involve 'reparenting' and treating her as if she's a few years younger than she is

Playing with boxes or polystyrene isn't an issue as long as it's imaginative play. Breaking toys is telling you she doesn't feel worthy of nice things, or a pre emptive destruction if she has had the experience of her things being broken, taken away, or given to others. If she breaks things by accident, it may be that the things she has are not suitable to her style of engagement with them or geared to someone with different interests.

Calling you mama and dada and wanting to be held like a baby is a sure sign that she needs you to parent her almost as if she were starting her life all over. She feels like a baby.

This is good. She is allowing herself to be vulnerable with you. I would do all the holding she can take if I were you. The eating thing is the same. Maybe let her sit on your lap while eating. She wants the security of being babied.

I would be very curious if I were you about the reason she was in foster care, and her experiences while being fostered.

olympicsrock · 17/01/2022 20:51

With repeated requests I tend to reply “ what does mummy mean when mummy says no?” He replies “no” and disappears off / accepts this as a form no.

Darbs76 · 17/01/2022 20:52

A couple of those things aren’t concerning - my 17 & 14yr old still call us Mama & Dada. That might not be the norm but it’s certainly not a problem. Mine never stopped calling us that and we didn’t feel the need to tell them they had to stop. My eldest also used to strip off a lot. Obviously some more things going on but some of those aren’t too worrying

AMomHasNoName · 17/01/2022 20:52

I would have said 3/4 but this sounds like my 7 year old. Only the pleas turn to violence usually.
She has FASD and probably trauma or attachment disorder.

Hesma · 17/01/2022 20:52

My 9 year old does a lot of those things 🤷‍♀️

MissM2912 · 17/01/2022 20:54

mathanxiety I agree with everything you have written. I was a foster carer and now work with vulnerable families.
Good luck Op- you are doing a great job x

blyn · 17/01/2022 20:55

She will outgrow this in time but at the moment, she obviously needs to be 'your baby' still.

When you say she strips off, do you mean every stitch or down to her underclothes? She can't wander around completely naked. I suggest you tell her that she can change out of her school clothes when she comes home and puts on something comfortable. Maybe shorts and a T-shirt.

Covidworries · 17/01/2022 20:56

Not read the whole thead but.... i use to strip off until puberty age. Down to my pants (my parents drew a line at pants) because i couldnt cope with feeling of clothes. Alot of the other hings my autistic dd does. Autism presents differently in girls, it could be anxiety causing her to try and control everything. I would push for support as everything takes so long so best to make referal now.
I understand the shouting as we have all do e it but it really doesnt help the situation

MissM2912 · 17/01/2022 20:57

If it is attachment disorder she won’t ‘outgrow it’- it just will present in other ways.
That’s why it is important to get to grips with it and do the ‘repair’ work, and access ongoing support.

Benjispruce5 · 17/01/2022 20:57

Under 3 or older with SEN. Either way, shouting at them is not acceptable.

MissM2912 · 17/01/2022 20:58

And also be extremely wary of the fact many children are diagnosed with autism when it is in fact attachment disorder and the treatment is different.

NinaDefoe · 17/01/2022 20:58

Stripping off as soon as she gets home
2-8

Being more interested in boxes of polystyrene than her toys
2-3

Having a tantrum every time she is told she cannot have something
2-18

Repeatedly asking for something she know she cannot have, and not giving up even when told no 4 times until shouted at and then goes and cries.
2-14

Hits out at people rather than using her words
2-8

Takes 30 minutes to eat a small bowl of cereal (won't have milk and eats cheerios one at a time)
2- any age

Calls parents "mama and dada"
1-adult

Likes to be held like a baby
0-11

Breaks most toys she owns
1-7

Featherhands · 17/01/2022 20:59

Can I just mention that what school are doing - as in group intervention IS doing something. These groups are hugely helpful in bringing up the skills of those who are struggling or are not making the points of progress.

Please don't minimise it - it really will be helping her.

juniorcakeoff · 17/01/2022 21:00

As soon as I saw your description of liking to be held like a baby, I was going to ask if she might be adopted.
Please contact your local authority or regional adoption agency and ask to speak to post adoption support. Or call Adoption UK helpline.
If you adopted through an agency, some provide lifelong post adoption support - check whether they do online.

If you live in England, you and/or she are likely to be able to access funded therapeutic support under the Adoption Support Fund, and/or a specialist assessment of her needs as they relate to attachment or trauma.

To help her feel secure, and to have a happier home life for all of you, she is likely to need a different style of parenting to that which you are used to with birth children, called Therapeutic Parenting. This helps explain it a bit more therapeutic parenting

thetruthisout · 17/01/2022 21:00

@ragdollmum

OP, you should post on the adoption board. You will get lots of helpful advice. This behaviour is very typical of children who have experienced developmental trauma. My adopted son (nearly 5) exhibits a lot of the same behaviours. He also has global developmental delay. Do you practice therapeutic parenting?
Just this
Bakewelltart987 · 17/01/2022 21:01

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry
Example of what I mean
"mama can I have buiscuits?"
No, tea is nearly ready
"please mama"
No, wait until after tea
"Pleaseeee"
No
"Just one?"
Not until after tea
"please just one mama"
No
Pleaseeeeeeee
NO![/quote]
Sounds exactly like my dd6.

ColintheCrow · 17/01/2022 21:03

42

Violinist64 · 17/01/2022 21:03

With my now adult ASD son, the best advice we were ever given was to say “it’s the rule.” This means that it is an absolute and takes the situation away from the personal. For example, with the stripping off you could tell her that the rule is that she has to wear clothes downstairs. With the biscuits you could tell her that the rule is that no one has biscuits just before a meal because it could spoil their appetite. I have no personal experience with children who have had a difficult start but it is a special need as much as any special educational need and she is obviously behind in her development and maturity. It sounds as if you are doing your very best to help your little girl.

ButtonMoonLoon · 17/01/2022 21:04

If you post this on the adoption boards you’ll find that a lot of your responses would indicate this is quite common for an adopted child.
As I was reading your first few posts I was thinking that you were describing a child who has experienced developmental trauma and who likely has attachment issues. If there was alcohol exposure antenatally that can start to have an impact at around your daughters age
It’s probably worth requesting a post adoption support assessment and some intervention via the adoption support fund. She can then be assessed by someone experienced in DT. There is help out there and this route will help you access it by the most appropriate measures.

My 12 year old still behaves as you describe on occasion. Sadly not all children grow out of their behaviours, but the good news is that therapeutic parenting and the right kind of support really can make a world of difference,

tootiredtospeak · 17/01/2022 21:05

The not taking no for an answer is completely normal my 5yr old is like that and so is my 9yr old just in a much more clever way. You let me have a biscuit before tea last week or Dad did when Dads not there. It all sounds fairly normal to me with a tough start in life if she is at school then that's normally where you will find differences against peers show clearly. Has school said anything I have one ASD child and 2 NT children and there are very noticeable differences by this age.