How old would you guess this child was?

[Ohdoleavemealone]

Some of her behaviours include...

Stripping off as soon as she gets home

Being more interested in boxes of polystyrene than her toys

Having a tantrum every time she is told she cannot have something

Repeatedly asking for something she know she cannot have, and not giving up even when told no 4 times until shouted at and then goes and cries.

Hits out at people rather than using her words

Takes 30 minutes to eat a small bowl of cereal (won't have milk and eats cheerios one at a time)

Calls parents "mama and dada"

Likes to be held like a baby

Breaks most toys she owns

Thinking about the behaviour perhaps of your own child, I am wondering what age these behaviours are typical of - I know it is difficult as children develop at different rates but I am concerned about my child.

My DDs went through this when they were about 2-3 years old .

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry
Example of what I mean
"mama can I have buiscuits?"
No, tea is nearly ready
"please mama"
No, wait until after tea
"Pleaseeee"
No
"Just one?"
Not until after tea
"please just one mama"
No
Pleaseeeeeeee
NO![/quote]
Apart from the mama bit that sounds much like my teenage grandson.

If the child has been in foster care, they may have had to “behave” and “be on high alert” during their time there. Now, they are in a safe and secure home they can relax, and may regress to an age that developmentally they had to “put on hold”. The best thing you can do, is be consistent, firm but fair, and wait till the stage passes - which it will. Try not to scold/shout/lose patience etc. I like the phrase - When a child is in a storm try to be their safe harbour.

@Muminabun

Sounds like standard developmental trauma and attachment disorder. The wanting to be babied is positive. Kids try to get back what they need and developmentally traumatised children are younger than their years by atleast a couple of years. Sounds like she needs appropriate and expert assessment and therapy.

Fab advice.

Op, it sounds so hard. Are you getting any support?

@theqentity

The red flags here are all to do with parenting and parental attitude, not the child.

No they're not. The dc is adopted and had a traumatic early life.

Based purely on the Cheerios, I would say 6-9. My two boys are exactly the same.

My son was like that until he was 5 but he
Is autistic

He still strips off and needs to be held a baby at 9

Does she also love shopping trolleys

@MrsLargeEmbodied

is it really necessary to shout at her?

Well sometimes human beings do snap a bit when at the end of their rope. Show me a parent who never shouts and I’ll show you a liar.

It sounds as though she wants to be babied. Maybe she wasn't before she came to you, when she was a baby. and is looking for that type of affection now to make up for it.

I’m guessing 6-7 because I’ve dealt with a few of these as a teacher.

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry
Example of what I mean
"mama can I have buiscuits?"
No, tea is nearly ready
"please mama"
No, wait until after tea
"Pleaseeee"
No
"Just one?"
Not until after tea
"please just one mama"
No
Pleaseeeeeeee
NO![/quote]
With my 3 year old, I have a 'final answer'. Sometimes I do change my mind about a decision after a minute or two, and she knows this so will pester on occasion. When I know I definitely will not change my mind, I say, 'final answer' as a signal that there's no point discussing this further and I never change my answer once the 'final answer' has been given. Maybe try that?

She was only 1 when she came to us so very much a baby. Removed from BP at a few weeks old.
Damage is likely to be from exposure to stresses like alcohol, violence and drugs in utero.
I'm not stressed. I just look at her with her peers and she looks so far behind. She doesn't appear to be getting older emotionally. She doesn't learn from experience at all.
I also have an older son so I see what is age typical and worry for her. She is a beautiful young girl and is mostly very happy but so incredibly vulnerable.

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@TheHoptimist, because she asks right before tea. She never goes an extended time between snacking so it isn't like she was starving and couldn't wait 10 minutes.
Also not really the point, this is just an example of how she won't take no for an answer and it usually ends in me raising my voice. Also happens when we go shopping and she wants a new toy, or wants sweets every single day etc.[/quote]
Lots of nt, developmentally ‘normal’ (if that’s a thing) will do this in school- so you may find it’s to do with boundaries/regulation. She is using the conversation (and repetition) to regulate her response to wanting the food, being told no, etc. Particularly might be this if happens often around food. Expect food to have been an issue in birth family even if ss say wasn’t.

Attachment disorder and autism present in very similar ways, however based on the 0-2 experience I would suggest looking in to attachment disorder. GP could be a good start.

I think you should ask for help either way. (If it is a developmental delay or trauma from her earlier upbringing) Are there any younger siblings? Sometimes that can make a slightly older child want to go back to being treated as ‘the baby.’

Were you given full information about what had happened to her when you adopted? After all the stories in the news lately I feel children must have gone through some pretty horrific things before they even enter the care system.

Glad she has you looking after her and hope it all works out

Sounds like my 7 year old niece who has autism and learning delay.

I would say 2-3.5 is the age most of the behaviour would be the norm, although my son still strips off to his underwear at times if he is too warm or wearing something uncomfortable, he just turned 8!

@Tilltheend99 no siblings and she was only a baby when she came to us so its not that. It is common though for adopted children to want to be babied, I just thought that by this age we may have outgrown it.

We know everything yes. She is lucky that her HV was observant and decisive and she was out at the first sign of trouble, no second chances as the one event was enough.

Literally every single thing on your list my daughter does, she’s 4 in June.

With attachment disorder the neurones in the brain don’t develop properly from birth due to the lack of attachment with the parent. By age one the damage is already done but some work can be done to repair it.
Have a look at the Solihull programme.

My 11 year old strips off as soon as she gets home to get into pjs and just gets on my knee most nights and loves it when I really snuggle her (like a baby) that's just our thing though and I'm grateful we still do this and laugh and joke about it.

But the other things I'd say the child was between 3-5.

Sounds like my 4yo

solihullapproachparenting.com/

Used by lots of practitioners/ sure start centres etc.

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@TheHoptimist, because she asks right before tea. She never goes an extended time between snacking so it isn't like she was starving and couldn't wait 10 minutes.
Also not really the point, this is just an example of how she won't take no for an answer and it usually ends in me raising my voice. Also happens when we go shopping and she wants a new toy, or wants sweets every single day etc.[/quote]
My daughter is 7 and is ASD, she is very social but can be constantly hungry will use Mama and Dada, and is emotionally and academically behind her peers,
She was diagnosed at 4 and has come on leaps and bound with consistent and support mostly at home tbh. When we are out she asks for a toy, I will say I take a photo to add to the list for birthday, Christmas, Easter or whenever the next gift giving is. She can earn a new toy as a reward as she needs something more tangible than a tick or sticker.
She nears clear instructions and will need things repeated in a calm manner as sometimes too much information is overwhelming for her. Just to ass she use to strip off naked at home, no biggie as we didn’t make too much of a fuss. She always wore clothes out. She does sounds as she could have traits as some are similar to my daughter. Also my daughter has the appearance of playing imaginatively when she was younger but it was sometimes replaying something she had seen.

[quote Ohdoleavemealone]@TheHoptimist, because she asks right before tea. She never goes an extended time between snacking so it isn't like she was starving and couldn't wait 10 minutes.
Also not really the point, this is just an example of how she won't take no for an answer and it usually ends in me raising my voice. Also happens when we go shopping and she wants a new toy, or wants sweets every single day etc.[/quote]
I promise I'm not criticising but you seem to know the pattern really well and know when you're likely to start raising your voice which will possibly encourage her to raise her voice as it's "normal"
I have worked with numerous children some NT, some not, many with a tricky start in life too and the one thing they need more than anything is clarity and consistency in boundaries and communication.
The ideas above about turning no's into yes's after tea etc could be extended to her becoming involved in the food making process to speed things up so she can get her biscuit for example.

You know your triggers for shouting etc so you can see it coming so you can remove yourself from the situation briefly or come up with another strategy that works for you but Teaches controlled communication and behaviour which is much more beneficial to everyone.