Your examples of how men just don’t *get it*

[AsYouWishButtercup]

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

Mine was a dad at school drop off today who asked if I was still training for a half marathon. I said no as I’ve just had surgery but TBH it it nigh-on impossible to train in winter outside because of the dark nights and by the time I leave work it’s too dark to start a run

He said “Why don’t you just invest in a head torch” when I explained it’s not the lack of light that’s the problem, it’s the danger of being attacked, it seems the thought had NEVER occurred to him that women have to factor these things into everyday life. I’m constantly amazed that men are surprised by these things.

I was in a pub recently with two male friends, and noticed that I was massively outnumbered by men. When I pointed it out to my friends, and idly wondered where all the women were, one of them genuinely thought women just preferred staying at home. He knew his wife always invited friends over rather than meeting at a pub, and couldn't see at all how women's experience of the world might have impacted that choice!
He also suggested they liked it better because it was cheaper ( gender pay gap, anyone?!) Or because it was more comfy...
No recognition of additional caring responsibilities, fears for personal safety, etc etc.
It was an interesting discussion!

Is it also that men have been brought up to think that socialise = pub, whereas women socialise in domestic settings? Are they less comfortable having mates round to the house than we are?

If dh meets his friends, they're in a pub. I will do pub for a meal, or night out, but often just meet friends in a house. It is cheaper, even though iout earn dh. But I go out more than him, so it needs to be!

I also wonder if pub culture will change with the next generation.

@Furtheron I would go to pubs more, but groups of women in pubs are always approached. There are always some men who think we're there not to meet up but simply waiting for male attention.

As in @Furtheron*, I agree, men don't get it.

My friend and I (years ago when young and gorgeous) always booked a table in pasta bar for out chatty meet ups as we found that pubs were plagued by pick up merchants and we never got any peace to just chat and have a drink. Not sure if this would happen to two blokes meeting for a chat in a pub.

I've thought about this and more have come to mind.

All my male friends who don't seem to understand why their partners complain about them going for weekends away together because "you can go too, just arrange it."
No thought to the idea that most of their partners have altered work hours around school pick ups and as the 'men' will be at work, they'd need to arrange additional child care, or that a lot of them are 'deliberately incompetent' plus financially it isn't viable for both of them to be going away separately.
Not to mention that the main point is wanting them at home, not wanting equal time away 🙄

Have also thought cognitive dissonance a lot of men have around thinking women are 'over reacting' with the precautions we take around travelling at certain times and in certain places while simultaneously not wanting their sisters / mothers / daughters to be out on their own in those same places at those times.

And lastly, not forgetting my lovely DH, way back when we were teenagers, thinking it was hilarious to jump out on my in the dark while I was walking the dog.
He frightened me, I punched him and he got the hump because he was just having a laugh and for a while genuinely didn't understand why I was so jumpy or why I hit before knowing what was happening.

@CherryAndAlmond

On a much less serious note, but answering the OP's question, a senior man at my work told me I should meditate for an hour every morning before work. He knew that I'm a single mother with three kids to sort out for school, but somehow the penny hadn't dropped that by the time I get to work at 9am, I've basically already been at my other job for 2.5 hours.

Ugh yes I had a boss like this once. He had a huge issue with me arriving on time to start my job (single parent, having done the school run) and leaving on time to do the reverse. I couldn't do overtime. The one time I tried to explain this necessity to him he admitted he had never had to worry about that as his wife did the school runs etc.

It made no difference to his behaviour, he just didn't get it. And he didn't want to. Unfortunately I think this is far too common among men I've met, if its something that doesn't affect them, they just don't care.

Walking home new years eve, bit merry with a walking stick in one hand a bottle in the other and a rape alarm in my pocket. I'm not going out without a fight. It was 930 and I text my friend when I got home 🤣 rock star eh

@ArsenicNLace

But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?

I’m guessing it’s because there are a lot more men on the street after dark than women. So 5 women go out, 50 men go out. 10 men are attacked and 3 women, so still more of the percentage of women that actually went out. Also, another guess, more men than women will willingly take part in, or start, a fight which leads to their attack.

Things my husband routinely thinks are exaggerated include:

• Women being asked when they are going to get married / have babies (he cannot believe this happens, despite me telling him it happens all the time)
• Women being spoken over or not included in decision making by men (he probably doesn’t notice this because he often talks over people [and also doesn’t believe he does that!])
• all the usual things like carrying keys at night, not leaving drinks unattended, letting people know where you are if you get a cab/public transport somewhere etc
• having the man’s name come first on post from companies. Welsh water and British Gas are culprits of this - even though the account was set up by me and the payments come from my individual bank account!
• the constant double standard of women being ‘hysterical’, ‘highly strung’, ‘overly sexual’ etc whereas men are never any of those things.

Progress has been made, but there’s a long way to go!!

My DH once came back from a lovely long woodland walk with the dog on a summer night. He was telling me the benefit he got from leaving his phone at home and enjoying the moment. He didn’t even finish the sentence ‘you should try it sometime’ when I saw the penny drop and he said ‘you’d never feel safe doing that would you?’

- Women being asked when they are going to get married / have babies (he cannot believe this happens, despite me telling him it happens all the time)

My husband once got asked this in an interview! He was incredulous (and immediately said he didn’t want to work for them).

I explained to him they’d probably asked a woman that in an earlier interview and were now covering their arses by asking the men too in case they got sued. I think then he got it, for the first time.

Male drs and healthcare professionals on Twitter complaining about how some women request female medical staff or students only and how unfair and discriminatory it is. So so ignorant.

@ArsenicNLace

But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?

Many of those young men are killed by people they know, in fights outside pubs, or gang/drug related.

That's not what we're talking about. We are talking about women out on their own, minding their own business and going about their daily lives, being attacked by random strangers. You don't very often hear of men being murdered by a woman in those circumstances, do you?

It’s not just women. I’m 6’2” and athletically built but I was attacked after dark by a gang with a machete last year.

The majority of this thread is about violence against women, which I totally agree with, but there is also so much more that many men don’t get - pregnancy, menopause, mental load, anxiety the different physiology which means women get colder than men, the gender pay gap, feminism……and so many more I have forgotten!

@lljkk

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

I'm so glad I was born female. I was bullied in school but the bullied boys had it so much worse. We gals get to wear much better & bigger variety of clothes. Gals can choose a bigger variety of jobs & careers without being mocked. It's easier to show our emotions in public. Girls can compete with each other in more ways than just sport.

We don't get accused of being kiddy fiddlers just because we said kind words to a child. I think guys recognise some of this stuff but often not. The blokes truly are disadvantaged but don't tell them. Ignorance is bliss.

Kiddy fiddlers?

Jesus Christ can you just stop. It is a disgusting term and really offensive.

A strange man called me "love" for no reason in a really patronising way , my male friend was horrified at how angry I was about that, he has no idea how the way men have been speaking to me my whole life just really set off a fury bomb in my head, it's just so insulting.......

I think the post about periods is not that men think we can turn them on& off, but that if you say you need a toilet break they don’t think you need to change your sanitary protection but that you only need a pee/Poo.
The metoo has provoked a lot of chat here. My partner (also because he hasn’t witnessed it) was aghast at the amount of harassment women get. 🤷‍♂️And after dark it does, in my experience step up from casual remarks to verbal abuse, so say from ‘oi give us kiss’ to ‘frigid bitch, suck my dick’ as though being out after dark means you’re ‘game’.

Men are more likely to be attacked outside of home because they’re more of them out there. Women are afraid of dark streets. Which is sad. I’m one of them.

I can believe men are at greater risk of violent crime. But, there's something really sinister and frightening for women lurking underneath the veneer of respectable society. It's a fear of men's misogyny and what that can be translated into. As a poster commented, even comments such as 'you slag,' ' youre ugly anyway' etc perpetuate this fear. And then we hear these hideous stories of women being attacked, raped and murdered, like that poor young lady killed by the police officer. The more books I read and the older I get, the more I feel there is an underlying misogyny in society greater than alot of us even realise and it's scary and threatening if you think about it too much. That's something men will probably never understand.

Apparently there are actually men who think you can just choose when your period comes (like why don’t you just wait a week to have it so you don’t have to have it on holiday?), or that you can hold the blood in for an extra hour or two like you would with needing to go to the toilet.

"I send the wife because I'll get it cheaper!!"

So, they know they're sexually exposing their wife to toxic men! When challenged, I was just a feminist with silly views!!

Firstly, Who’s committing the violent crimes against men outside their homes and what’s the motive? Mostly men, less likely to be sexually motivated and also rooted within toxic masculinity. Secondly, it’s a ‘both/and’ situation. People can still be outraged at violence against women and the fact they often live in fear without it meaning the violence against men is okay too

@Quamora

I was walking home at around 9.30pm on NYE. A man was approaching from the opposite direction and he clocked me and crossed the road so he was on the other side from me. I got home and said to my family how I’d really appreciated him going out of his way to make sure I felt safe and my partner a) didn’t get why that made me feel safe and b) said he didn’t need to cross the road if he was passing a lone female because he wasn’t a threat to anyone!

My late dad used to do this. He was born in the 1930s and he understood perfectly. Shame that there are still people who don't.