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Original poster

Your examples of how men just don’t *get it*

296 replies

AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 15:56

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

Mine was a dad at school drop off today who asked if I was still training for a half marathon. I said no as I’ve just had surgery but TBH it it nigh-on impossible to train in winter outside because of the dark nights and by the time I leave work it’s too dark to start a run

He said “Why don’t you just invest in a head torch” Hmm when I explained it’s not the lack of light that’s the problem, it’s the danger of being attacked, it seems the thought had NEVER occurred to him that women have to factor these things into everyday life. I’m constantly amazed that men are surprised by these things.

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MananaTomorrow · 17/01/2022 17:25

@ArsenicNLace also the type of violence isn’t the same.
Men arent getting attacked whilst they get on their normal business, walk or for a run.
They get attacked after getting involved in a fight, usually fuelled with alcohol.

That’s the danger of using numbers wo actually specifying WHAT the numbers are. They loose all meaning.

MananaTomorrow · 17/01/2022 17:28

Talked about the level of sexual assault if girls with DH and two ds.
They didn’t believe me.
They didn’t believe that more or less all women have been victims of men’s bad behaviour.

When I pointed out that to ds that many girls aged about 12yo were been followed and learned by grown up men, he thought it wasn’t possible. That would make them paedophiles! Not possible.
Well that’s the whole point….

FlowerFlour · 17/01/2022 17:31

@ArsenicNLace

But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?
In addition to what a PP has explained about the problem being male violence;

Most men don't take the same safety precautions as women, despite being at high risk of violence, because they are also men so are much more closely matched physically and probably think they have a good chance of coming out on top. A woman being able to fight off a man would be a miracle.

If men didn't exist then I'd be happy to walk around in dark places at night. If I met a bad woman I'd probably be able to beat her and get away, I wouldn't let women stop me because they are not usually much more powerful than me. I guess that's how men feel about other men.

A former colleague once told me he went out on the town after a huge gay pride parade and there were lots of big, muscly gay men around, wearing tiny vests that showed off their giant arms. My colleague, a short and slight man, said he felt scared for his safety, that these men could do anything and there were so many of them he wouldn't have a hope of getting away. I shrugged a little and said they were just having fun and him feeling like that is what the whole world is always like for women. Obviously this guy was completely homophobic, in the truest sense of the word, I'm just telling the story because it was interesting to hear these fears coming from a man. As a side note I told my pretty misogynistic DB that story and he angrily retorted "That's not how women feel at all!" Confused I'm a woman, and I'm telling you?

rifling · 17/01/2022 17:34

I had to book a hotel for a work event and was looking at Google maps to decide which road would be better to walk back to at night. This led to a conversation with DH when I discovered that he has never felt afraid when out of the house on his own. I know that's sort of obvious but it is also pretty amazing. I am not generally anxious on my own but I have had so many negative experiences in the last fifty years: I have been assaulted by a stranger in the street, I have had someone threaten to rape me and have to run away, I have had countless comments and threatening behaviour. He has had none. It really is a man's world.

EishetChayil · 17/01/2022 17:35

Just finished doing the deed, as I was ovulating that day. DH rolled over and asks "are you going to do a pregnancy test now?" 😫

TheOrigRights · 17/01/2022 17:39

Why did you enter a half marathon knowing you would not be able to train, or has the fear of being attacked just tipped the balance for you as a result of the recent murder (RIP)?

I run alone most of the time (I mean most of my runs are alone, not that I'm running most of my life Grin) and I think the level of concern for my safety is the same whether it's day or night. I live rurally though so there are either very few people at any time of day.

To be honest my greatest worry is traffic.

TheOrigRights · 17/01/2022 17:40

@EishetChayil

Just finished doing the deed, as I was ovulating that day. DH rolled over and asks "are you going to do a pregnancy test now?" 😫
That's not a case of a man 'not getting it', it's plain ignorance.
Cas112 · 17/01/2022 17:45

My boyfriend saying I'm probably sleeping loads and more tired because I'm not doing a lot during my first trimester of pregnancy, I should try and do more things after work. He can't seem to grasp the thought of early pregnancy fatigue 🙃😂

BellatricksStrange · 17/01/2022 17:47

@BaronessBomburst

I think it very much depends where you live. I'm happy to be out alone after dark where I currently live, but wouldn't have dared at my last address.
This very much. There are areas where I would be wary of being alone at night, and I'm a fairly strong, certainly brave, man. But it is true that overall women are weaker, and thus more at risk from criminals who prey on the weak (who to be fair are usually men).
earlydoors42 · 17/01/2022 18:19

A male teacher at my daughter's school told her to hold her period in until break time, when she told him she needed to go and why.

rifling · 17/01/2022 18:23

But it is true that overall women are weaker, and thus more at risk from criminals who prey on the weak (who to be fair are usually men).

But it's not just a question of being the weaker sex. Overwhelmingly sexual assaults are perpetrated by men on women (and yes, I know that NAMALT but it doesn't help anyone to ignore reality). This knowledge means that women continually adapt and curtail their movements in a way that men rarely do. I live in a fairly safe area but there is a park where a few years ago there was a horrific gang rape (in daylight). We were talking in a mixed group about where we take the children to play and many of the women said that they wouldn't feel safe in the park because of this (it has a wooded area that is quite secluded). Do you know what? We (females) have been avoiding it due to fear for the last few years. Most of the men had even forgotten it had happened. Sad

lljkk · 17/01/2022 18:31

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

I'm so glad I was born female. I was bullied in school but the bullied boys had it so much worse. We gals get to wear much better & bigger variety of clothes. Gals can choose a bigger variety of jobs & careers without being mocked. It's easier to show our emotions in public. Girls can compete with each other in more ways than just sport.

We don't get accused of being kiddy fiddlers just because we said kind words to a child. I think guys recognise some of this stuff but often not. The blokes truly are disadvantaged but don't tell them. Ignorance is bliss.

Dutchesss · 17/01/2022 18:40

I'm so glad I was born female. I was bullied in school but the bullied boys had it so much worse. We gals get to wear much better & bigger variety of clothes. Gals can choose a bigger variety of jobs & careers without being mocked. It's easier to show our emotions in public. Girls can compete with each other in more ways than just sport.

We don't get accused of being kiddy fiddlers just because we said kind words to a child. I think guys recognise some of this stuff but often not. The blokes truly are disadvantaged but don't tell them. Ignorance is bliss.
Ironically, ignorance really is bliss.

VaddaABeetch · 17/01/2022 18:45

Gals?

A bigger variety of clothes? Really?

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 18:51

@ArsenicNLace

But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?
Exactly - it’s MEN that’s the problem. It’s men doing the hurting, killing, etc. a woman who kills or assaults a man outside the home is very rare. If men want to tackle male-on-male violence, then they need to work at least half as hard at preventing violence against them as women have. It’s is up to men to tackle male violence. It’s not up to women to sort out male violence.
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IntermittentParps · 17/01/2022 18:51

My (male) DP, who is a loudly vocal feminist in many ways but very much TWAW. He would just not get it if I tried to explain why women and girls need female-only public loos and changing rooms etc.
I can only surmise that it's because he has simply never been subjected to the male gaze as most/all women and girls are.

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 18:55

@TheOrigRights I was planning on training in my lunch hour through winter but a last minute call for elective surgery, and a long recovery, means I’ve had to knock it all on the head!

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ProfessorSillyStuff · 17/01/2022 18:58

I must say I am glad I was born female. I have had to fight for my freedom, but now I have it, and I feel incredibly powerful, in a way a man never could be, and I have almost all the powers of a man also. I feel unstoppable and it's no wonder any man would feel apprehensive.

JessieLongleg · 17/01/2022 18:58

A male friend posted on FB not traveling is all about your own limitations just go somewhere and sleep on the beach. It would be amazing to feel so free in the world.

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 18:59

@lljkk

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

I'm so glad I was born female. I was bullied in school but the bullied boys had it so much worse. We gals get to wear much better & bigger variety of clothes. Gals can choose a bigger variety of jobs & careers without being mocked. It's easier to show our emotions in public. Girls can compete with each other in more ways than just sport.

We don't get accused of being kiddy fiddlers just because we said kind words to a child. I think guys recognise some of this stuff but often not. The blokes truly are disadvantaged but don't tell them. Ignorance is bliss.

Hmm but on balance as a ‘gal’ I am at a MUCH higher risk of rape, domestic violence, assault, discrimination based on my sex, have much lower health outcomes and have to face the gender pay gap. So whilst I won’t likely be accused of being a ‘kiddy fiddler’ (if this is happening en masse to men, which I’m sure it isn’t, the problem probably IS them) I do have all that to contend with

Also where do you live where women don’t get mocked for trying to get jobs??!

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Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 19:00

I work in a school, next time a girl is upset because a boy sexually harassed her (yes it does still happen and it’s far more than bra pinging) I’ll tell her ‘chin up and think of the wide variety of clothes’

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Sittingonabench · 17/01/2022 19:03

As much as I want it to be a mans issue to deal with, it isn’t because women are the ones paying the price.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 17/01/2022 19:06

I don't think many men get how crap periods can be. They get the bleeding part. But the aches, planning around toilet trips, tiredness, feeling hot, thirst..
Usually just jokes about grumpiness.

We like to go camping in our canoe. DH just books a date. I dread it coinciding with that time.

HighlandCowbag · 17/01/2022 19:07

Similar to yours really OP. We are lucky enough to live on the trans pennine route. Was discussing which route I would be taking in the morning for my run with a friend and said it was nice to be able to do the big loop rather than part trail and part road on a weekday morning. Dh asked why I didn't usually do that route and when I explained it was a bit remote to do on my own except at weekends when it was busy he was really shocked that I plan like that.I explained there has been a flasher and a couple of sexual assaults over the last few years and it hadn't even entered his radar that I may be affected by it.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 19:08

We gals get to wear much better & bigger variety of clothes.

Oh goody. I’m less likely to be paid what I’m worth at work but at least I can buy t shirts in more different colours than a bloke. Excellent news.