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Original poster

Your examples of how men just don’t *get it*

296 replies

AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 15:56

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

Mine was a dad at school drop off today who asked if I was still training for a half marathon. I said no as I’ve just had surgery but TBH it it nigh-on impossible to train in winter outside because of the dark nights and by the time I leave work it’s too dark to start a run

He said “Why don’t you just invest in a head torch” Hmm when I explained it’s not the lack of light that’s the problem, it’s the danger of being attacked, it seems the thought had NEVER occurred to him that women have to factor these things into everyday life. I’m constantly amazed that men are surprised by these things.

OP posts:
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Shapiro · 17/01/2022 16:01

You can choose to live in fear but most women go about their business without fear of being attacked.

Obviously some places and times you need to be cautious such as not wearing headphones in case you are mugged but making yourself anxious that men are going to leap out and rape you as soon as the sun goes down will make your life a misery.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 16:04

I run at night with a head torch. I often see other lone women out with them. I don’t think it’s a totally ridiculous suggestion coming from a place of no knowledge.

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2022 16:05

All the men who think you can choose when to have a period like peeing like they tell you to just hold it in don't wet yourself

BaronessBomburst · 17/01/2022 16:06

I think it very much depends where you live. I'm happy to be out alone after dark where I currently live, but wouldn't have dared at my last address.

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2022 16:10

I've lived in many places some im happy to wander around in loads im definitely not its not due to "living in fear" but "living with knowledge"

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 16:16

@Shapiro

You can choose to live in fear but most women go about their business without fear of being attacked.

Obviously some places and times you need to be cautious such as not wearing headphones in case you are mugged but making yourself anxious that men are going to leap out and rape you as soon as the sun goes down will make your life a misery.

Such a shame the first post minimises the reality for women.

There’s a good reason to be scared, a woman has literally just been beaten to death by a man for no reason, at 4pm in the afternoon. I wonder why he chose a woman to kill 🧐

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 16:19

@Theunamedcat

All the men who think you can choose when to have a period like peeing like they tell you to just hold it in don't wet yourself
I have literally never come across anyone who thinks this.
PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 16:22

I think men don’t get that women regularly think about whether they’re safe when they’re out, even if it doesn’t stop them from doing it. Many don’t realise the steps many of us take to stay safe, like walking a brighter route or getting ready to run if you see a man you’re suspicious of if you’re alone etc

steppemum · 17/01/2022 16:29

my dh is pretty switched on.
We went to meeting at our church. Church is a modern building on an industrial estate. There is a small parking area in front of the building in full light.
There is a larger parking area around the side with no lights.

Dh automatically parked in the larger car park. I laughed and said I never park here for evening meetings, I always park in front.

He didn't get it. Even when I explained, he looked puzzled. Got it but didn't get it.

Antssausagedog · 17/01/2022 16:30

My husband totally gets the not feeling safe thing and goes out of his way to make me feel safe.

CorrBlimeyGG · 17/01/2022 16:31

There’s a good reason to be scared, a woman has literally just been beaten to death by a man for no reason, at 4pm in the afternoon.

While it is horrific, and more than likely happened because she was a woman, you can't stop living your life as a result. Acknowledge the risk and do what you can to stay safe, but don't let that stop you doing something you enjoy.

(I've never heard the period holding it in thing either. No one thinks a period is like having a wee.)

RB68 · 17/01/2022 16:31

I was at the gym and moaned about the rise in parking fees (gone up to 2.50 for 2hrs in a smallish town and really no necessity for that level of charging). There is still a walk from SP to the actual gym and its not well lit, goes behind a number of houses with the main (general) park to the open right hand side, again not well lit. Gym person said oh its free after 6pm so thats ok.... errr I just gave him the side eye and said yeah but its dark and not well lit and I just don't take risks like that sorry. He was really taken aback and suprised. I just eye rolled

Quamora · 17/01/2022 16:37

I was walking home at around 9.30pm on NYE. A man was approaching from the opposite direction and he clocked me and crossed the road so he was on the other side from me. I got home and said to my family how I’d really appreciated him going out of his way to make sure I felt safe and my partner
a) didn’t get why that made me feel safe and
b) said he didn’t need to cross the road if he was passing a lone female because he wasn’t a threat to anyone!

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 16:41

@CorrBlimeyGG

There’s a good reason to be scared, a woman has literally just been beaten to death by a man for no reason, at 4pm in the afternoon.

While it is horrific, and more than likely happened because she was a woman, you can't stop living your life as a result. Acknowledge the risk and do what you can to stay safe, but don't let that stop you doing something you enjoy.

(I've never heard the period holding it in thing either. No one thinks a period is like having a wee.)

I don’t ‘stop living my life’ but in the same way you wouldn’t speed down the motorway at 150mph because it increases your chances of death or serious injury, I wouldn’t run in the dark - I’m not going to be the one to trailblaze in a “fuck the patriarchy” move either. It shouldn’t be down to women to undo harm that men cause us
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 16:45

I personally don’t run in the dark to “fuck the patriarchy”. I do it because I want to and I don’t feel unsafe doing it (living where I do now). I do take other precautions that dh doesn’t but here, I’m in more danger of being hit by a car than killed by a strange man.

cstaff · 17/01/2022 16:46

My friend and I were walking through a dark lonely part of town one night about 10.30pm - now grant it there were two of us so we were fine but there was a man walking about 5m behind us the whole way. Even when we crossed the road he crossed shortly after. He had no idea that his presence alone had us on edge.

HerbertChops · 17/01/2022 16:47

I used to work in film/tv and male second assistants often set the schedule for a shifted call so we’d start work at 4am or finish work at midnight or whatever when the location or studios were in a dodgy part of East London with no parking. Female members of the crew would be expected to travel alone on public transport at that time in the dark. They just didn’t get it!!

A lot of the time the tubes wouldn’t be running so you’d have to walk further and get a night bus. We complained so many times about walking through Bethnal Green or wherever at 3am and they thought it wasn’t an issue. A few times I’d work in that area with a female second assistant and they’d never ever schedule the start/finish times in those areas after dark.

Ploppy1322 · 17/01/2022 16:51

My DH was the same, on holiday in a fairly remote, ill lit and unfamiliar area, i asked him to walk to the shop for me one night fairly late, only 5 mins away. He was put out as he assumed I couldn't be bothered until I explained, it just hadn't crossed his mind I felt unsafe.

ShadowPuppets · 17/01/2022 16:52

It’s not just about getting seriously attacked. I was walking through the park at dusk the other night and two teenage boys just shouted ‘fucking slag’ at me. And this is in a nice market town in the SE. I purposefully wasn’t wearing headphones to stay safe, and it’s just so fucking depressing. I felt a bit unsettled - because there were two of them and one of me, and it was getting dark and there was no one else around - I didn’t fear for my life but I was aware that they had the upper hand in that scenario so I was basically at their mercy. It’s as much that for me as the terrifying but slim prospect of a physical attack.

VaddaABeetch · 17/01/2022 16:53

I don’t think many men get how much stronger they are than women. Some men I know ask why women can’t fight men off in an attack.

I partly blame tv programmes where you have women police easily running, catching & bro ging down male suspects.

Original poster
AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 16:56

@VaddaABeetch YY!

Watched Stay Close of Netflix recently and a woman who has her jewellery literally robbed from her finger manages to karate chop two men and successfully grabs it back. Far be it from me to diminish women’s achievements but REALLY

I didn’t especially enjoy Killing Eve to the extent others did either but at one point Villanelle is walking through an office with a pen knife and a well built bloke is rubbing screaming from her. I just don’t think that would happen!

OP posts:
ArsenicNLace · 17/01/2022 16:59

But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?

RedCandyApple · 17/01/2022 17:04

My ex, I use to tell him about men being horrible to me when out and about and he use to think I was making it up because “it never happens when he’s with me” yeh that’s literally the point!!! They are not going to do with when a 6ft6 guy is with me are they but he would insist that I was making it up

Lookingoutside · 17/01/2022 17:08

@ArsenicNLace

‘But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?’

Ok. Genuine answer. The issue is the global matter of male violence. Whether it’s male on female violence or male on male.

Women are not killing men in their homes and women are not dragging men off the streets and raping them. Equally women are not killing and raping each other.

Mycuprunnethover · 17/01/2022 17:08

When Stuart Hall was jailed (for a laughably short time, incidentally) for sexually assaulting lots of girls, my mum and I were discussing what a piece of shit he was. My dad chipped in with the idea that it was girls throwing themselves at him and then regretting it later. He shut up when I pointed out one of the girls was nine years old, but I've never stopped being disgusted that that was where his thoughts went first - blame the girls.

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