Your examples of how men just don’t *get it*

[AsYouWishButtercup]

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

Mine was a dad at school drop off today who asked if I was still training for a half marathon. I said no as I’ve just had surgery but TBH it it nigh-on impossible to train in winter outside because of the dark nights and by the time I leave work it’s too dark to start a run

He said “Why don’t you just invest in a head torch” when I explained it’s not the lack of light that’s the problem, it’s the danger of being attacked, it seems the thought had NEVER occurred to him that women have to factor these things into everyday life. I’m constantly amazed that men are surprised by these things.

To be honest, I'd probably have said the same thing as the man who suggested wearing a head torch! It honestly wouldn't cross my mind not to go for a run at 4pm (at least somewhere that isn't dark woods or something like that!).

*perplexed

My other half thinks I have it easy on my day "off". So, by the time he got into work at 9am (and only having to worry about getting himself dressed, showered etc) I has woken up two children, dressed them both, fed them breakfast, got myself showered and dressed, packed snacks and drinks in theur school bags, successfully managed to get both kids to the door to get to school, done 3 loads of washing, started drying the washing at the launderette and gone for a smear test. Then spent the remainder of the morning doing a weekly food shop, fetching and folding now dry washing, cleaned/tidied the house and had an hour long meeting.

All while he had visions of me sat there with my feet up with a cup of tea in hand. That's genuinely what he thinks I do every week.

In fact, I've just realised that I haven't had time for a hot drink all.day today.

Murdered by whom Em172 And in what circumstances?

Killed by women? Do feel free to quote the Daily Mail

I think men don’t get that women regularly think about whether they’re safe when they’re out, even if it doesn’t stop them from doing it. Many don’t realise the steps many of us take to stay safe, like walking a brighter route or getting ready to run if you see a man you’re suspicious of if you’re alone etc

Threads like this one make me feel like I'm very odd. I've genuinely never thought about these things at all. I have walked or run alone at night in various places. There are some spots I have avoided in some cities, but I hope my DH and DS would too. And as others have said, outside the home, men are more at risk of being attacked (by other men) than women are.

Threads like this one make me feel like I'm very odd. I've genuinely never thought about these things at all

It’s me you’ve quoted and I never used to think about those things-until I got mugged.

irregularegular
To come on to a thread like this, after a young woman was murdered beside a canal, after the comments on this thread and tell women men are more in danger
Odd is not the word I'd choose.

@MiladyBerserko

By men predominantly. That's irrelevant, though.

If the question is are women more likely to be murdered or the victims of assault then the answer is no. They're not. The sex of the person committing the crime makes no difference to the liklihood of the victim being male or female.

If the murder stats were exactly the same, i.e. 73% male, 27% female victims but most murderers were female instead of male would that make a difference? No.

My car only opens the drivers door when you press the button you have to press it twice to open the entire car plus the doors auto lock when you start moving (you can still get out just not in) I said I liked it and it made me feel safer dear male friend said why would you feel the need to have locked doors? We all looked at him he was?? No one has ever tried MY doors I've been driving for 20 years! Just doesn't get it

Not men. My mother (70ish) didn't realise catcalling was still a thing, and then told me I was making a fuss over Christmas when I was upset abo8t some blokes shouted disgusting things about me in front of her while we were walking down the road.

@LillithTheLynx

Not men. My mother (70ish) didn't realise catcalling was still a thing, and then told me I was making a fuss over Christmas when I was upset abo8t some blokes shouted disgusting things about me in front of her while we were walking down the road.

Phone, sorry for typos.

Yes men are more likely to be murder victims, but sexual assault is a much more common crime than murder and women are the majority of victims of sexual assault. The vast, vast majority of perpetrators of sexual assault are male. I think that's what the majority of us are concerned about when we talk about feeling safe and men 'not getting' that.

These are some stats from the BBC from a 2021 article. Of course a large proportion of sexual assaults of women are not carried out 'on the street', but the stats on groping, being followed and indecent exposure are presumably by strangers

My pregnancy with DS3 (DH's first). He said, when I was 41 weeks, "You just lie on the couch drinking milk and water all day." It was an extremely hot August, DS3 was 9lb 12oz when he was born, I also had a massive placenta and gallons of fluid, I was dehydrated from the heat and needed milk to try and stop the heartburn that was making me throw up. He had no idea.

@ShadowPuppets

It’s not just about getting seriously attacked. I was walking through the park at dusk the other night and two teenage boys just shouted ‘fucking slag’ at me. And this is in a nice market town in the SE. I purposefully wasn’t wearing headphones to stay safe, and it’s just so fucking depressing. I felt a bit unsettled - because there were two of them and one of me, and it was getting dark and there was no one else around - I didn’t fear for my life but I was aware that they had the upper hand in that scenario so I was basically at their mercy. It’s as much that for me as the terrifying but slim prospect of a physical attack.

This is a really solid point. It is so depressing and our bodies also don't know when we are on the receiving end of a comment like that whether it will escalate or not so we are forced to either comment back and risk angry escalation or head down sort of miserable acceptance of the comment which feels so, so shit doesn't it? I hate it so much.

@ArsenicNLace

But statistics show that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women outside the home (figures reversed for inside the home). Men make up the majority of murder victims so why don't men feel the same concerns and alter their behaviour the same way a lot of women seem to? How many young men have been murdered on the streets of London in the past few years compared to women? Genuine question?

Men are much, much more likely to stand a chance of being able to fend off an attacker in comparison to a female victim in the same situation.

Men are afraid of being beaten up or killed.

Women are afraid of being beaten up, sexually assaulted, raped or killed.

All of those things happen to men too, of course, but the number of perpetrators and victims are so vastly different that they are not comparable when it comes to the level of fear they generate.

I was once walking in our quiet, suburban neighbourhood when a bloke stopped and told me I was walking on the wrong side of the road there were no cars about at all, I was like WTAF.

I went home and told DH and I asked what he'd have have done. I'd have told him to fuck off, he said, and it would never have happened anyway, some random bloke telling another one to walk on the opposite side!

That's it. Right there.

So many things wrong with the world.

We gals get to wear much better & bigger variety of clothes.

That makes up for the rate of sexual violence then. Lucky gals, us.

Em
Go on then, give us an old Venn diagram on the demographic of men killed or assaulted as opposed to that of women.

I was trying to explain Phaedra Starling's concept of Shroedinger's Rapist to a male colleague and, to my surprise, he got incredibly defensive and offended, as he assumed I was just saying all men are rapists.
I was actually thinking about introducing it as a discussion amongst the young people I worked with, but no matter how much I tried to explain, it got worse and worse.
I never felt comfortable with him after that, and he obviously didn't like me much afterwards either.

It probably seems a minor thing, but to me I hate all the areas where I live being pedestrianised. Places I felt safe going when it was dark because there would be traffic I now avoid.

I’ve educated DH over the years to be a great feminist ally. He understands all the issues and we are on the same page in that respect.

But he is very tall and strong and I am average height and much weaker than him. It’s fascinating to me how he interacts with his environment knowing that he is the master of it. He can get something off the high shelf without having to drag a chair across the kitchen floor and stand on it. He can lift all ten of our clean dinner plates stacked out of the dishwasher into the cupboard rather than put them in three at a time. When I was recovering from a c section and we were out and about with the buggy, he’d just pick the whole thing up, with DC inside it and carry it up the ten or so station steps at our local station. When I was on mat leave, for ages I just didn’t bother getting the train anywhere because I couldn’t face those stairs with the buggy.

Heartbreakingly, the month I went back to work after my mat leave, they upgraded the station to have step-free access. I cried when I found out. That would have been such a game changer for me when I was at home with the baby. I would have gone out much more. Probably wouldn’t have had PND so bad because I wouldn’t have felt so trapped at home. I was really really upset about it.

Anyway, one other thing about DH being so tall is that his stride is so long that I have to sort of trot alongside him just to be able to keep up with his normal walking pace. He’s just utterly unaware.

I often think what it must feel like to be able to carry everything, to be able to reach everything, to be able to unapologetically take up the space and bend it to your will.

I explained it to someone once when he told me they stood a good chance of being murdered and I stood good chance of "only" being raped I said yes they think so little of women they can hurt us and let us live best of all the police allow it

@Theunamedcat

Do the police allow it?