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Original poster

Your examples of how men just don’t *get it*

296 replies

AsYouWishButtercup · 17/01/2022 15:56

What are your examples of how men just don’t get What life is like for women?

Mine was a dad at school drop off today who asked if I was still training for a half marathon. I said no as I’ve just had surgery but TBH it it nigh-on impossible to train in winter outside because of the dark nights and by the time I leave work it’s too dark to start a run

He said “Why don’t you just invest in a head torch” Hmm when I explained it’s not the lack of light that’s the problem, it’s the danger of being attacked, it seems the thought had NEVER occurred to him that women have to factor these things into everyday life. I’m constantly amazed that men are surprised by these things.

OP posts:
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ChastainsMisery · 17/01/2022 21:12

When I told a work colleague about the statistic that almost all women have been on the receiving end of inappropriate/bad behaviour from men he didn't believe me.

The next day he came into work and apologised because having asked his fiancé she confirmed that every single time she was in a bar/club with her friends at least one of them received unwanted attention.

When he asked why she'd never told him this before her response was "because that's just how it is".

He was shocked and said it was a real eye opener.

Cocolapew · 17/01/2022 21:13

"Kiddy fiddler" is a fucking vile saying.

MiladyBerserko · 17/01/2022 21:13

CorrBlimeyGG
You minimise and mock any concern any woman has for her own safety.

Good to observe

ChastainsMisery · 17/01/2022 21:14

A recent acquaintance who posted on social media about there being no place for "women only" sessions at the local pool.

I explained to him that just that morning I had reported a man perving on women in a different nearby local pool so could he really not see why some women don't feel comfortable half naked around men?

He was a bit Shock

pictish · 17/01/2022 21:14

I wonder if he was speaking as an enthusiastic runner more than as a man. I say this because I would have given you the same reply. I run with a head torch in the dark…although it’s early morning rather than evening. I couldn’t run regularly in winter if I didn’t.
I don’t feel unsafe. I don’t think any psychopaths are loitering around in the pitch black and freezing cold at 5.30 am where I run. I don’t run round the streets. Never see anyone but the very occasional dog walker with a torch. I’d never not go for fear of attack.

MiladyBerserko · 17/01/2022 21:18

You must live in a good area then Pictish. Many don't have that advantage.

pictish · 17/01/2022 21:24

Yes perhaps. It’s a very ordinary working class wee town. We do have an adjacent country estate with trails for miles here, as well as an old mill railway that has long become a wooded walkway. It’s 10 miles long.
I don’t run round the streets. I have no desire to. Not for fear…I prefer trail and hill. I’m spoiled for choice but it’s not a notably naice area.

pictish · 17/01/2022 21:25

Or rather town…it’s not a notably naice town. The surrounding scenery however, is fantastic. It’s why we moved here.

pictish · 17/01/2022 21:27

Anyway - runners love head torches. They really do.

pictish · 17/01/2022 21:28

Ladies included.

TheOrigRights · 17/01/2022 21:28

@MiladyBerserko

You must live in a good area then Pictish. Many don't have that advantage.
My running experience is similar. It live in a normal/average rural village. I'd be interested to see the levels of violent crime in villages.
PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 21:29

@pictish

Anyway - runners love head torches. They really do.
This with bells on. I got a new one for Christmas. I would recommend it to anyone talking about running in the dark, male or female. There are definitely issues with men not getting why women behave differently in terms of risk but that conversation could easily have been running enthusiasm based.
girafferafferaffe · 17/01/2022 21:29

My h is well aware of the danger women are in. He will not hear of me walking home in the dark alone, he ensures that I am safely travelling whatever. He worries about dd all the time. They know how bad it is. Some of them just don't want to acknowledge.

Lady1576 · 17/01/2022 21:31

My husband understands feeling scared in certain situations. He is more worried about me and himself than I am. He is a small build POC and for example doesn’t like to walk past ‘normal’ British pubs at a certain time of night, once men are drunk which I and most white wines wouldn’t think twice about. He doesn’t like coming across groups of football going men especially in a train carriage.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 21:31

He will not hear of me walking home in the dark alone, he ensures that I am safely travelling whatever.
I would hate this. I’m the one who decides what’s safe or not. I decide if I’m walking home or bod, not dh.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/01/2022 21:37

"But I would love it if strange women would hit on me and compliment me!"

Squirrelsbizaare · 17/01/2022 21:43

@Quamora

I was walking home at around 9.30pm on NYE. A man was approaching from the opposite direction and he clocked me and crossed the road so he was on the other side from me. I got home and said to my family how I’d really appreciated him going out of his way to make sure I felt safe and my partner a) didn’t get why that made me feel safe and b) said he didn’t need to cross the road if he was passing a lone female because he wasn’t a threat to anyone!
I don't know if this is a generational thing. It's fairly common for men from my age bracket (40's) and older to do this for women. IME it's younger men that don't, they need to be told. Curious why that is.
GloriaSilver · 17/01/2022 21:43

I run a lot and so does my husband. I asked him what he does when people beep at him or shout things at him.
He looked blankly at me.

CatOfTheLand · 17/01/2022 21:51

I went to a public event space today with my toddler and one-year-old (and had a baby carrier, no pushchair).

Was dark outside at closing time and the men running it wouldn't let me exit via the front door, instead making us exit through back door - in to a pitch black park, no path and muddy walkways with no street lights, which meant an 15 minute walk in the dark to the station.

They were perplexed and dismissive when I explained why I didn't want to do this and couldn't understand what my problem was. Why walking through a dark park for 15 minutes with a toddler and baby would make me nervous- or why an extra 15 minutes walk on a muddy track might be hard work for me and a young child.

(I go here weekly and this was the first time I've been made to exit via the back way. No real reason for it that I could tell.)

Bitbloweyoutthere · 17/01/2022 21:53

Maybe older men have partners who explain it to them. I've never been a pushover, but I'm certainly more vociferous than when I first met dh.

But male cyclists.

Why do they need to cycle 2 abreast, when all I am trying to do is run on one part of the path? I used to kind of trip myself into the bushes if they passed, but now I don't. I make my kids cycle in single file and move in for others; men can do the same.

MiladyBerserko · 17/01/2022 21:55

I wss assaulted when I was 14 years in school uniform at 4pm in full daylight. It does tend to influence one's perception of safety.

I would love to have the freedom to run where I want. I don't. Torches on my head will not protect me

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2022 21:55

But male cyclists.

Why do they need to cycle 2 abreast, when all I am trying to do is run on one part of the path? I used to kind of trip myself into the bushes if they passed, but now I don't. I make my kids cycle in single file and move in for others; men can do the same.

This absolutely does not divide down sex lines. There are a group of women who do that here and it drives me mad. They basically force me into the hedge until they’ve all gone past.

TheMoth · 17/01/2022 21:55

I felt my most vulnerable on mat leave, when I was doing long walks with a pram. Dh didn't get it at all. To him, a baby kind of made me exempt. But all I could see is what easy prey we'd be for muggers or our local junkies.

NotMeNoNo · 17/01/2022 22:03

The city where I live is planning a town centre redevelopment between the railway station and the main shopping/nightlife area. There was a consultation on what people wanted to have, loads of people suggesting some kind of park etc. I wrote a strongly worded submission that it was crucial that there was a safe, lit and open route for single women and other vulnerable people to walk or cycle through at night going home. Ideally with some sort of presence like an open all hours shop. Else it will be a muggers haven.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/01/2022 22:07

The insistence on 50-50 payment of costs whilst ignoring how household chores and mental load are split. So only requiring equality where it benefits them