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Original poster

Devastating news and friends responses

260 replies

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:18

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 22:17

@lljkk what do you think you contributed to this thread?

I'm so glad that when you faced unemployment with a cancer diagnosis you dealt with this SO much better

Oh wait...you haven't

OP posts:
Shitsexsucks · 15/01/2022 22:20

You need proper support in times like this, not passivity.

Regardless of whatever problem I shared with my mum (three involving death), I received the same reply:"Life is not fair". I resent her for not being an emotional support for me.

She text me the other day, telling me that she was struggling; I resisted the urge to respond the way she would.

It's soul crushing to have life changing events, minimised. It used to make me feel that my feelings weren't that important..

Kitkat151 · 15/01/2022 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Choochi · 15/01/2022 22:22

I've seen lately that people who call themselves friends will only do anything if it fits well in their "free" time. They don't make the time to help. Friends should be willing to loose some comfort and make real effort to stand beside the friend in need.
OP I wish you a complete recovery and at least one true friend by then.

Shitsexsucks · 15/01/2022 22:22

I am sorry you are going through this.

If it were me, I wouldn't cut ties just yet. I would wait until curcumstances improved and then tell them to fk off.

Choochi · 15/01/2022 22:24

Well said @kitkat15

RedHot22 · 15/01/2022 22:29

I will be honest.
Text is an unusual way to give this news.
Perhaps this has influenced their replies?

I’m sorry OP

blyn · 15/01/2022 22:31

I am so sorry about your diagnosis and wish you a speedy recovery. I can understand how worried you are.

People often don't know what to say but they will come back and ask how you are.

Losing your job sucks too and CA may be able to advise you about that.

Good luck.

ouch1000 · 15/01/2022 22:35

@Yummypumpkin

I wouldn't say they are normally heartless, no. Thank you RiverSkater. I'd say normally they are supportive and we get on.
I would feel really let down.

If one of my friends messaged me that I would say something along the lines of, "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, let me know when a good time is to meet up/have a phonecall so we can talk"

SnoopyLovesLucy · 15/01/2022 22:38

Sending you a hug @Yummypumpkin.
I hope you get good treatment and a good outcome.

My DP was diagnosed 2 years ago with stage 3 cancer, now stage 4. It's a constant nightmare.

Some long term friends ( living very close by) didn't even offer to help me after he had a major op and I helped him recover at home, on my own.

Other long term friends didn't even reply to the news I sent by letter with Xmas cards.

However, two long term friends who I've not seen for over 20 years due to location, got in touch immediately they knew- one called me within days and the other sent DP a card.

I don't understand people and I suggest you save your energy for recovering and not waste time wondering why.

All the best Flowers

Mickarooni · 15/01/2022 22:57

Wow, some people on here - and in your life @Yummypumpkin - are cold.
I am so sorry about your diagnosis and your work news. That is devastating Flowers and I don’t see why a quick “thinking of you and sending love. I’ll call you after work or X” was so difficult for your friends. I think serious illness is one of those times when you realise who your friends are. You find those who you thought were your friends are not but equally, find support and care in other places from people who you’d not considered.
Sometimes people don’t need practical advice like CAB, you just need a mate with a cuppa and some cake.

WeyAyeMan · 15/01/2022 23:00

@Yummypumpkin

I'm so so sorry to read about your bad news. I can't really offer any advice but you have supported me a lot on my post, despite going through this awful time yourself and I just want to say a massive thank you and send a great big hug. You'll know from my thread I'm not really getting any support for my family so kind of know how it feels. It's shit.

Thinking of you x

SadlyMissTaken · 15/01/2022 23:03

I think any good friend would pick up the phone OP.

Cancer and job loss are two big issues for anyone to deal with.
I miscarried in the last chance saoon after years and years of trying to get pregnant and none of my friends called. I had told one of them I didn't know how I'd cope if I had a mc. Since then both have had medical crises and I have tried to be the friend to them that they weren't to me.
I have forgiven but not foegotten. Maybe don't shut these friends out of your life but realise they can't be relied on.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 23:04

I'm going to have a little dance to Janet Jackson round my small flat.

Thank you everyone SO much. So much.

For those who don't get it...yes I'd of course faced this moment as a size 8, blessed with the light of Jesus on my face, in an advanced yoga pose on a mountain top and telling all my friends through a personally composed poem sung by their favourite boy and.

Sometimes...shit happens...and you have to see whose there when you're imperfect.

Thank you everyone and so many brave women on here xx

OP posts:
user1470132907 · 15/01/2022 23:06

They’re not great responses to your news - I’m sorry. People find it hard to admit bad things happen for no good reason so minimise and propose ‘fixes’. It’s to protect themselves emotionally from reality but not kind to you. Hugs and best of luck xxx

MamaGaia · 15/01/2022 23:17

I’ve had cancer. It completely amazed me that people who were my close friends were crap, but people who were simple acquaintances or colleagues became super supportive. It’s an odd one for sure.

I think some people simply don’t know how to take or handle bad news and so they respond poorly. Wait and see how they are over the next few weeks but if there’s no more support, then you know who your real friends are.

MamaGaia · 15/01/2022 23:18

Oh, and good luck with your treatment. I really hope it goes ok.

AlwaysinaFlap · 15/01/2022 23:37

@MamaGaia

I’ve had cancer. It completely amazed me that people who were my close friends were crap, but people who were simple acquaintances or colleagues became super supportive. It’s an odd one for sure.

I think some people simply don’t know how to take or handle bad news and so they respond poorly. Wait and see how they are over the next few weeks but if there’s no more support, then you know who your real friends are.

It is a very difficult thing and one size does not fit all. You can google "what should I say" and in one article they say "the one thing a person with cancer never wants to hear" and in another it will be the exact opposite. Very hard to know what to say for the best.
Salome61 · 15/01/2022 23:38

So sorry to read this, best wishes to you for your treatment.

Katya213 · 15/01/2022 23:41

After becoming a single parent six years ago and raising my daughter completely alone with no family around to help out, I certainly found out who my friends were. I went from a £60,000 a year job to universal credit, driving an old banger, with one set of clothes to wear. None of my so called friends have been seen for six years.

It unfortunately is times like this you find out who your real friends are, this is very true.

Scbchl · 15/01/2022 23:41

Just to say my mum was diagnosed with stage 3 high grade bladder cancer last year. She is now cancer free. It hadn't spread any further than the muscle. Wishing you best of luck with cancer treatment and finding a new job, sorry you had such bad news at once.

SupremeDreamz · 15/01/2022 23:50

I'm sorry you've had this double whammy Yummy. Enjoy your dancing and I hope you get lots of good things in life coming your way soon. Rooting for you!

Hollywolly1 · 15/01/2022 23:57

I am really really sorry to hear of your diagnosis and obviously you are in terrible shock but to lose your job as well is just horrible for you. The responses from your friends is not nice almost cold like. If a friend text to they got a flat wheel and were left stuck for hours someone could reply and say that sucks but not to cancer and a job loss.FlowersFlowersBearfor you and I wish you well

Silkieschickens · 16/01/2022 00:07

So sorry to hear you news and sending hugs.

I also have cancer and I think your experience is not unusual sadly, its a very good screener of friends and husbands. Its good you have other good friends and I would concentrate on those, I had a similar experience to you with 3 of my friends but I have had so many lovely and kind other people and a lovely and kind husband I don't need them. I think if you think about it and the persons character you can work out why - in two of my three they struggle with their own lives and third is super busy. I would not cut contact unless you think it is nasty but would keep arms length and not be in a rush to contact them. I only message these three now when they message me though two have messaged me when a friend who has been amazing has told them things but I know they are just after gossip / want to appear like they are good friends to others. So I would just think does this friendship bring anything to you and concentrate on your good friends. Though as you get more into treatment I find all the requests for updates a bit overwhelming so its useful to have some I don't need to respond to. I love people asking but treatment can be tiring.

If people don't know what to say when people ask how are you feeling and I'm so sorry is a useful starter as long as you then listen to the feelings. The ideal response are those who offer that you can call them any time of day and night and offer help and mean it and the lovely friend of mine who will have my kids if we both die before they are 18. I also would not want people round due to covid risk though would appreciate someone asking.

Hope your treatment goes well and you can get the job sorted as well once well enough.

mumda · 16/01/2022 00:19

I'm sorry you're unhappy with your friends responses.

I'm sorry to hear you've got cancer and that you've lost your job. That sounds really crap.
Macmillan nurses can be helpful and will be better at holding your hand than most people.

My friend couldn't tell me she had cancer. Her husband told me. He cried telling me and I cried too. I'm glad he did as it gave me time to get my head round the dreadful idea she was poorly.

People are generally crap at dealing with bad news.