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Original poster

Devastating news and friends responses

260 replies

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:18

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

OP posts:
Londoncallingme · 15/01/2022 20:18

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Easily said when you’re not the one diagnosed and unemployed.
Londoncallingme · 15/01/2022 20:21

When I had my diagnosis and texted my friends they all rang and one was on the train from Brighton to london to come to me within the hour!
They are very cold replies and you are justified to be hurt.
Join a FB group for bladder cancer and you will hear all the wonderful stories of treatments and recovery.
Best wishes.
X

Darbs76 · 15/01/2022 20:21

If any friend asked me if I had time to talk on any subject I might say I’m busy right now (if I was) but I’d arrange to call later that day or as soon as possible after. After reading news you had cancer I’d be dropping everything to call a friend of mine. So I completely understand why you’re feeling so upset with your friends.

thinlyv · 15/01/2022 20:26

Maybe trying to be positive & practical. But a bit harsh. I'd prob pick phone up & talk ..

take care, they're right- it does suck x

Chocomelon · 15/01/2022 20:28

I'm sure they don't know what to say

Also if you don't usually speak on the phone that explains why they are not calling

I'm sorry you're having a hard time

JanisMoplin · 15/01/2022 20:30

@Chocomelon

I'm sure they don't know what to say

Also if you don't usually speak on the phone that explains why they are not calling

I'm sorry you're having a hard time

"I am so sorry, Yummy. You are having such a hard time. May I come over with some wine?" would do.
Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 20:30

I'm thinking about a lot of very good ideas here.

I must say groups and stuff isn't for me. I will nurture optimism. I don't want too many facts right now. I think I've got 5 hospital visits so I'm thinking of it like that.

You know...I really started this thread to understand what was going 9n in my friends' heads. But the more I read the responses here and reread the text exchanges...

I doubt I'll hear from them again.

I really, really have reread the exchanges. I really think best case scenario is they don't want to rule out funtimes with future healthy, gainfully employed YummyPumpkin.

I guess that's another thing to bring into acceptance.

It's Saturday night. I'm hoping one might message and see how I am. Ask when my op is or my last day at work...I expect too much of others. I expect too much.

OP posts:
pkeasegetdressed · 15/01/2022 20:32

So sorry OP. Thats so much at once!

Let off steam here whilst you can.

liliainterfrutices · 15/01/2022 20:41

I don’t think it’s expectingtoo much to hope for a kind reply. I think that’s the minimum.

fallfallfall · 15/01/2022 20:44

i'm really sorry @Yummypumpkin, the diagnosis alone sucks. hearing it is probably a bit of a shock and a scare and a loss of your health.
i get it. hand hold for the weeks to come.
then you add on top of that the workplace changes. that sucks as well. so much unknown in your bubble at this point in time.
are these friends young? some people in their 20-30's are blissfully unaware of cancer and don't think it could happen to them and don't have enough life experience to sympathize.
vent and wobble away.

1forAll74 · 15/01/2022 20:45

i think I would only divulge the sad news ,and shock factor about suffering with cancer, to a couple of family members. I would not tell outside friends at all. Lots of people do not know how to reply to news about an illness as such, especially cancer problems. It is probably because they are worried, that they will say all the wrong things to an ailing person, and upset the person concerned, so they just make off the cuff small conversation, without wanting to talk things through.

Justcantdeal · 15/01/2022 20:46

Don't contact them. So many people are just concerned about themselves. I've wasted so much time comforting friends when they were going through difficult times and the favour has never been returned. Generally most people are selfish.

Ovenaffray · 15/01/2022 20:49

I’m sorry you’ve been made redundant and have been diagnosed with cancer.

I’m shit at texts so I could see me typing it could be worse and go to the CAB.

I probably would’ve rung you though.

Hope your treatment goes well.

Wimblingwombling · 15/01/2022 20:50

I could only see one text response so apologies if I missed the others. Is that the only text you received from them in reply to your news? If so that’s awful and I personally would walk away from that friendship. It shows a lack of empathy and support which you don’t need when you’re going through such an awful time x

Kitkat151 · 15/01/2022 20:52

@Yummypumpkin

I'm thinking about a lot of very good ideas here.

I must say groups and stuff isn't for me. I will nurture optimism. I don't want too many facts right now. I think I've got 5 hospital visits so I'm thinking of it like that.

You know...I really started this thread to understand what was going 9n in my friends' heads. But the more I read the responses here and reread the text exchanges...

I doubt I'll hear from them again.

I really, really have reread the exchanges. I really think best case scenario is they don't want to rule out funtimes with future healthy, gainfully employed YummyPumpkin.

I guess that's another thing to bring into acceptance.

It's Saturday night. I'm hoping one might message and see how I am. Ask when my op is or my last day at work...I expect too much of others. I expect too much.

You will hear from them again....when your treatment is finished and they think you are fine again....of course it will be up to you whether you want to remain friends with them.....even if you are ‘cured’ and no doctor will ever Say this to you....they will say you are NED ( no evidence of disease’ )....you will never be the same person as before your diagnosis.... you will be changed ( sometimes for the better) and as such may choose different friendships And have different priorities in life......people will come along to support you in the next few months who you would never have expected.....concentrate on you....put these Other people to one side for now....don’t waste your energy on them
drpet49 · 15/01/2022 20:52

* Don't contact them. So many people are just concerned about themselves. I've wasted so much time comforting friends when they were going through difficult times and the favour has never been returned. Generally most people are selfish.*

^This. Your friends are shits

Happymum12345 · 15/01/2022 20:53

That is very, very hard on all accounts. I have recently taken a huge step back from a group of people I thought were good friends for being unsupportive and I feel so much better for doing so.
I hope you have other people that can help Flowersyou. All the very best.

ThoseFestiveLights · 15/01/2022 20:53

I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit time.

You do seem to expect a bit much though. I think you’ve mentioned seven friends in total and these were three of them: I wouldn’t expect to have seven friends calling me in any personal crisis: probably only the closest two at most.

I don’t think they are bad people: just not your very closest friends. I think their responses sound okay and kind to me. Just not hugely involved.

Good luck with everything. X

Kitkat151 · 15/01/2022 20:55

@ThoseFestiveLights

I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit time.

You do seem to expect a bit much though. I think you’ve mentioned seven friends in total and these were three of them: I wouldn’t expect to have seven friends calling me in any personal crisis: probably only the closest two at most.

I don’t think they are bad people: just not your very closest friends. I think their responses sound okay and kind to me. Just not hugely involved.

Good luck with everything. X

It is NEVER okay to say ‘it could be worse’ to someone who has just had a cancer diagnosis....you sound at best ignorant and at worst very cruel
ClaireEclair · 15/01/2022 21:00

Sorry your friends aren’t supportive. I think I would expect mine to rally round.

My Dad had stage 1 bladder cancer and made a complete recovery. The treatment didn’t appear to impact his life too much. I remember him being a lot more tired than he usually was but otherwise he was well and no one would have known he was ill. His cancer never returned and he lived to be 90, dying of heart problems. I’m sure you will make a good recovery.

Tara336 · 15/01/2022 21:02

I am so sorry OP. Some people are just crap friends (or crap people) others just don’t know what to say or have no filter and say absolutely awful things even if it’s well intentioned. I was diagnosed with a life changing illness (not cancer) and some of the things that were said to me well meaning and otherwise were awful! Jokes about pimping a mobility scooter (well meaning in wanting to try and make me laugh, but definitely not reading the room) and another when I was desperately trying to come to terms with the diagnosis telling me “to stop going on about it” some people are absolute shits. I hope you can at least gain some support from MN.

Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin · 15/01/2022 21:03

I had cancer, I lost pretty all much my friends apart from one. My Mum was pretty rubbish too (she’s rubbish anyway). Personally I think a lot of people are scared of the word cancer and are selfish fuckers!

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 21:07

Thank you @Tara336 and @Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin

And others

I think this is what the thread has taught me.

OP posts:
Bellyups · 15/01/2022 21:08

I’m so sorry for your diagnoses and work issues op Flowers

Those responses form your friends are what I’d expect if your landlord has given you notice to live or similar…not for cancer diagnosis and job loss.

StickyStickyStickStickSong · 15/01/2022 21:11

These are not true friends OP

If my friend text to tell me this news I would reply with OMG I'm so sorry to hear this but please try to stay positive, stage 1 means they've caught it early so surely they can do a lot for you, but still I am sorry you're going through this. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help, always here if you need me xxx

If you text in a week to say your can't bloody believe it you've gone and won £3million on the lottery and you don't know what to do with it, you'd have a lot more responsive and supportive reply then!!

Good luck @Yummypumpkin I wish you good health and hope you find better friends 💐❤️ xxx

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