Page 8 | Devastating news and friends responses

Yummypumpkin · 2022-01-15T18:18:06+00:00

I've had some very bad news. Texting friends I've had the following replies: Not good but could be worse Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you. That sucks. Sorry xxx I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends. My plan is not to contact them again. What is going on here?

Angrymum22 · 15/01/2022 21:13

Unfortunately being diagnosed with cancer can be difficult for anyone who hasn’t been diagnosed to really understand. Whatever grade it is, it is very scary. Initially all you really need is empathy and emotional support.
Not sure what Citizens advice will do? It’s not the first place I thought of going when I was diagnosed with cancer recently. But maybe they thought you were more concerned about losing your job.
I am on a support group and a recent topic of conversation was how people should react to cancer diagnosis.
We don’t want to know that we will be fine, we don’t want positive stories and most of all we don’t need to be told “it’s only…..”.
As a result of this discussion one member is going to put together a leaflet on what to say.
Every cancer patient follows their own journey and however good the statistics are no one really knows what their outcome will be.
I have a 97% chance of my cancer not returning but that niggling 3% is still a millstone round my neck.

Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin · 15/01/2022 21:14

@Yummypumpkin

Thank you *@Tara336 and @Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin*

And others

I think this is what the thread has taught me.

No problem, I hope you are doing okay, try and forget about your friends and concentrate on getting better.

I know you’ve mentioned that you don’t feel like joining any support groups etc, but honestly speaking to other people going through a similar experience really helped me. Also before you start your treatment look into benefits such as universal credit and get your application in for that, you may also be entitled to new style ESA

BungleandGeorge · 15/01/2022 21:14

Is there a reason you didn’t tell them in person? If it’s someone close they’ve always told me themselves. It’s generally quite upsetting for the person being told as well so I presume if you did it over text maybe you’re not that close? Or didn’t want to speak. But yes I’d expect a bit more from them. Unfortunately sometimes the least expected people turn out to be selfish and disappear at the first whiff of bad news

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 15/01/2022 21:15

I think the ‘that sucks response’, not trying to sugarcoat it, or downplay it, is perfect. That’s what I would like to receive. It does really really suck. Hope things improve x

Original poster

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 21:16

Hey Sticky

You made me cry and I cut and paste your message and WhatsApp it to myself.

Thank you so much xxx

OP posts:

Crucible · 15/01/2022 21:17

OK random lady on the Internet is seriously asking;
When is your operation? When is your last day at work? I will have you in my thoughts on both dates. I am so sorry about your crappy friends @Yummypumpkin

Squills · 15/01/2022 21:19

Sometimes people just don’t know what to say in response to really shocking news.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 15/01/2022 21:27

Some comments on here, fuck me.

Why on EARTH would a friend think the OP was lying? As for the "it's only stage 1" comment, I suggest people do a bit of research.

OP, I'm very sorry about what's happened. I'm afraid you will now find out who your real friends are.

MananaTomorrow · 15/01/2022 21:31

I’d say like other posters. They are not friends and unfortunately it seems that illness/cancer is one way to actually find out who your true friends are.

So… you mention that you can’t be coping with that sort if attitude atm. So don’t. Don’t contact them (if you are important to them, they will). Contact the friends who did support you, Incl and maybe esp the one who had cancer himself. He’ll have a much better idea of what you are going through just now.

I’ve read many reason (or rather excuses) on MN as to why people answer that way. I’ve always thought this was a cop out and people answering like this either have no compassion or can’t be bothered.
((Hugs))
Because either of those in their own is shit but to have to deal with both of them together is even worse.

MananaTomorrow · 15/01/2022 21:32

@Squills

Sometimes people just don’t know what to say in response to really shocking news.

Really?

A simple, ‘OMG I’m so sorry. That’s shit. Can I do anything for you?’ Is too complicated that people can’t think about it?

Original poster

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 21:34

Thanks @Crucible

I don't have a date for the op. I got the impression it would be very soon but now I think of it it has been a little while. I think it will be really soon. Maybe you don't get much notice???

My last day at work should pretty much be end of Feb.

I have applied for a bunch of other jobs. No interviews yet but it was only Weds I heard.

So I am trying. I've had three chats with recruitment consultants. Being keeping a strong game on LinkedIn.

OP posts:

nitsandwormsdodger · 15/01/2022 21:37

Are those the replies you received when you texted the about cancer and job for the first time ?

What I’m getting at is did you text the that news out of the blue with no build up or where they aware of the hospital appointments and rumours of redundancy , I’m imagining they may have had cancer and job loss in their minds for weeks months so it wasn’t s horrible shock if yswim

user1471538283 · 15/01/2022 21:40

If you were my friend I would be straight on the telephone and come around with treats or something. I would offer as much support for as long as you needed it.

Saying things could be worse, what? You've just found out two of the most stressful things that could happen to you.

Whatever stage cancer is at it is still horrendously scary.

I would never contact them again. I hope you will soon be well.

Original poster

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 21:41

If you text me that @ManyanaTomorrow I'd say

Can we chat on the phone? If have just wanted to hear about their lives, maybe stuff we hadn't talked about before, silly details really

I wouldn't expect anyone to visit me or flowers. I'd be horrified!

I do like phonecalls. That is my needy weakness.

I have to confess something. My sister who said "could be worse" did once have to go for a follow up smear and she was v brave about it and so maybe we'll yes its just her nature. She is the type who might text me in a week or so to ask. So I have unblocked her. I only blocked her for two hours. Because I felt annoyed.

OP posts:

Flickflak · 15/01/2022 21:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

JohnStonesMissus · 15/01/2022 21:53

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Are you one of the OPs friends?

nitsandwormsdodger · 15/01/2022 21:55

I would ring someone immediately if I revived that text and. I’d want to give all the help and support I could

I had a tragic loss and it really helped me cull one toxic friend for good and realise how loved I was by people who I thought were in my past You ask anyone whose been though a mega shit time and they will tell you friends will disappoint and pleasurably surprise in equal measure
Wishing you all the best

susannag1978 · 15/01/2022 21:56

Those are unacceptable responses and I have recently been unwell myself and floored by what some people think is acceptable. I was admitted to hospital with sepsis and tested positive for Covid on New Years Eve and one of my friends responded “what exactly do you mean by this? Have they actually said that’s what’s wrong? Are you actually in a hospital right now?”. Haven’t heard from her since and it’s been 2 weeks!

Original poster

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 22:05

@susannag1978 exactly!!!

The initial responses included "have you talked to a doctor", "have you had an MRI?" And...classic..."I'm sorry I never got back to you with dates to hire a cottage in Wales but if you still want to in the future I'd be happy to look at links but please bear in mind that Chloe is home schooling so my time is restricted."

OP posts:

Crucible · 15/01/2022 22:08

@Yummypumpkin no problem. I will keep an eye on your threads. Cancer surgery does take some organising (been through it with my Mum). You sound very together on both counts

work and the op. So two major hurdles and you sound as if you have your head properly screwed on. Gotta say LinkedIn makes my eyes bleed, it's so bloody complicated now. I am, via the intertubez, rooting for you at the end of Feb and for job interviews. More power to you. X

Original poster

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 22:09

@BungleandGeorge

Is there a reason you didn’t tell them in person? If it’s someone close they’ve always told me themselves. It’s generally quite upsetting for the person being told as well so I presume if you did it over text maybe you’re not that close? Or didn’t want to speak. But yes I’d expect a bit more from them. Unfortunately sometimes the least expected people turn out to be selfish and disappear at the first whiff of bad news

As I lived abroad until recently and am now living in a different part of the UK at age 50 from my old friends do forgive me for not taking leave from work and driving round the entire country whilst passing myself constantly to tell people in person

Please, please, think before you post on an emotive thread.

OP posts:

KO81 · 15/01/2022 22:09

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

Wow. And not in a good way.

Choochi · 15/01/2022 22:11

@lljkk

What did you want them to say in reply, OP? Did you want them to drop what they were doing & ring immediately. Was the fact they texted at all the wrong action, was there anything in text they could have said that would have been the right thing to say.

Presume I'm obtuse which is why I don't understand what you wanted them to say or do instead. Those replies would not have upset me but I don't depend on people anyway. I'm not saying your feelings or reaction is right or wrong. I'm genuinely curious what is the response you wanted instead.

I don't know about OP but I'd have expected my friend to say, "oh no! Try not to worry, I'll call/ visit soon after work. We'll figure something out. Much love.."

lljkk · 15/01/2022 22:12

Sorry, I'm struggling to keep up with thread details.

After a few days even I would expect a lot more than a single terse if sympathetic text. Although I don't know if I'd want a phone call, it's bad enough being overwhelmed myself without dealing with someone else who is overwhelmed.

OP asked 'what is going on here' - I suppose you know them best, whether they are selfish, not understanding how serious things are, very busy or simply don't know how to respond.

If I'm brutally honest sometimes I'm struggling to keep my own head above water & can't find mental energy to give a lot of support to other people's problems; I'd just get exhausted & upset if I tried.

EerieSilence · 15/01/2022 22:17

I'm not the most emphatic person but those replies were seriously shitty.
Hope your therapy goes well and in terms of looking for a new job, that goes well too.