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Original poster

Midwife has slept with DP - WWYD?

232 replies

Dipyang · 12/01/2022 15:25

Found out on of the midwives has slept with my DP, years ago etc pre me.

It's a small team there is a high chance she could be my midwife.

Would you be ok with this?

Yay or nay

OP posts:
Hemingwayzcatz · 12/01/2022 20:17

Is this a hospital or community midwife? You can request a different community MW, I did with DC2 because they gave me the same one I had with DC1 and I hated her. Hospital may be trickier if you go into Labour on her shift but if it’s a large hospital, you should be able to write it in your notes and maybe when you phone triage to tell them you’re in Labour mention it again so they know. It is an awkward situation, I wouldn’t want one of DH’s ex’s to deliver our baby either.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 12/01/2022 20:17

It would be sort of hilarious if this midwife were notorious because every second expectant mother who came in complained she'd shagged their husband.

mylovelydd · 12/01/2022 20:22

lol at all the posters who wouldn't care their DP had fucked the midwife - yeah right Hmm

It's ok not to be ok with it you know.
Especially at your most vulnerable which most women in childbirth are.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hertsgirl10 · 12/01/2022 20:23

This would be awkward but it wouldn’t bother me.
How does he feel apart from his comment have you spoken to him about if you was in labour and she was the midwife, how he would feel about it all?
Also would you tell her the situation so she could decide if it was too personal circumstances.

I know that the main thing is that it’s comfortable and safe for you, but I’d explain the situation to her and see how she feels, I mean explain who your partner is.

Redheadsturnheads · 12/01/2022 20:23

It’s your body and your choice. If you feel uncomfortable or that it might be a distraction for you, you can make a polite request that she not be involved in your care or the delivery. You are entitled to want to have your birth as straightforward and as relaxed as it can be.

longtompot · 12/01/2022 20:24

@HardbackWriter I agree. When I had my ed the anaesthetist was actually a dad who was at the parentcraft classes we went to. I didn't realise until I think he mentioned, or maybe my dh mentioned it? I can't remember, I was trying not to move while he put an epidural in my back. It felt very awkward and I didn't even know him or socialise with him or his partner.

Ginger1982 · 12/01/2022 20:24

How long ago are we talking?

Mum233 · 12/01/2022 20:25

It would be a no from me. My labour was VERY long and I was drowsy for a lot of it. It was very stressful and my husband needed support from the midwives. Not sure how I would have felt if there was history between them x

Notwithittoday · 12/01/2022 20:27

Nope. I had a similar scenario and it did not go well

Crystalvas · 12/01/2022 20:50

Once the midwife realises she knows your DP, that is if she happens to be your midwife, she will have declare a conflict of interest. Therefore can’t be your midwife.

saraclara · 12/01/2022 21:04

@CamomileTeabag

Wouldn't bother me at all. In fact I'd find it very amusing. Depends how secure you feel in your relationship really!
It's not about ones relationship though is it? As I said earlier, I'd prefer a midwife to be someone who's never known me and who I'll not see again. It's freeing, in the sense that when you're at your most vulnerable, emotional, and maybe screaming in pain, you don't want to care about what the midwife thinks of you or might remember about you when she sees you at the school gates/in Tesco.

The OP's situation strikes me as similar. It's nothing to do with anything starting up between the DH and midwife (which is just laughable). Is about'not being anonymous any more.

MauveMavis · 12/01/2022 21:04

Where do you live? What is her role? I'm only ask as I'm a doctor and it is hard to avoid people when there is only one person in your role on overnight. So if we are talking about a small case-loading/ home birth team who share the on call for their patients between them doing with only one MW on call overnight the chances of coming across her would be quite high.

I used to work in the area I grew up in (it's a city) but it's still pretty small and only has one hospital I've ended up looking after loads of people I know.

In most of cases I was the only anaesthetist covering a particular area overnight - getting a replacement anaesthetist wasn't going to be straightforward without compromising care in an emergent situation.

I've also worked rurally where everyone knew everyone else. My trip to the cinema with my (male) housemate was being gossiped about before either of us made it to work the next day (and he was just my housemate). Living in that environment it would be impossible to avoid care from people you knew and the nearest hospital was 60 miles away.

These days I work in a highly specialised senior role if you presented overnight/ at the weekend and didn't want me to care for you you would have to be transferred to another institution.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 12/01/2022 21:06

Long term ex girlfriend- would bother me.
Drunken one night shag - not so much

WonderfulYou · 12/01/2022 21:10

lol at all the posters who wouldn't care their DP had fucked the midwife - yeah right

People have sex.
It was a one off and they didn’t have a relationship so no feelings were involved.
OP has said it was a long time ago.

If it was OPs ex then fair enough but I think it’s ridiculous to feel uncomfortable with this even though many DHs have probably shagged the midwives, gynaecologists etc.

I wouldn’t want someone I know but OP doesn’t know this women at all.

I don’t know how any women can feel so insecure about a previous one night stand that happened years before you got together.

Lou98 · 12/01/2022 21:11

I think for me it would depend on the circumstances.
If she was someone that he was seeing a while and it was more than a ONS then it would definitely bother me.
If she was a ONS and that was all there was to it, I don't think it would bother me (although of course that's easy to say when you're not in the situation yourself)

I definitely think he was right telling you though, whether it would bother me or not I would be really annoyed at not being told, not sure why some PP think he shouldn't have told you!

I live in a small town, yes we will bump in to each others ex's and ONS - there's a big difference between bumping in to them and having them do an internal exam!!

Roosk · 12/01/2022 21:14

@Crystalvas

Once the midwife realises she knows your DP, that is if she happens to be your midwife, she will have declare a conflict of interest. Therefore can’t be your midwife.
In what way could a medical professional knowing your spouse constitute a conflict of interest?

I can absolutely appreciate that a woman in labour might not want a particular midwife for her own good reasons, but I don’t think that this situation constitutes any kind of reason why the midwife would need to automatically remove herself from the woman’s care unless asked to.

villanova · 12/01/2022 21:21

One of the local midwives has children at the same school as mine, and is was an acquaintance before my youngest was born. I had no qualms having her for my youngest's antenatal care, even giving me a sweep, as we could joke together and have quite a 'familiar' relationship, but it did feel slightly weird seeing her in the playground afterwards!

AsYouWishButtercup · 12/01/2022 21:34

I’d be fine with it - do you think she’s gonna whisk him away for a quickie in the labour ward or something?

AsYouWishButtercup · 12/01/2022 21:36

DH and I were seemingly both a pair of right slags before we met, we’ve been to FOUR weddings now where one of us has slept with a bridesmaid or groomsmen - we just laugh!

AsYouWishButtercup · 12/01/2022 21:37

It’s not a conflict of interest at all 🙄 how do people think small towns operate? Not to mention midwifery is hungry understaffed in any given Trust, if she’s the only available at that time I’m afraid it’s tough tittle!

Hercisback · 12/01/2022 21:39

@AsYouWishButtercup I'm another small towner and this sort of thing happens all the time. I've been to plenty of weddings like that and quite often you'll speak to someone and realise you've slept with their mum/dad /cousin/etc just normal!

HardbackWriter · 12/01/2022 21:39

@AsYouWishButtercup

DH and I were seemingly both a pair of right slags before we met, we’ve been to FOUR weddings now where one of us has slept with a bridesmaid or groomsmen - we just laugh!
I've actually also been to a wedding where my DH has slept with one of the bridesmaids - my own!

Still wouldn't want a midwife that I had any connection to, though...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/01/2022 23:16

@WonderfulYou

This honestly wouldn’t bother me at all and I really surprised it would bother anyone else.

I really can’t understand why anyone would be bothered.
Maybe if there were still feelings between them but then that would bother me anyway regardless of the situation.

There is a slight chance he may feel awkward but I don’t understand why you would - it wasn’t you who had sex with her.

I really can’t understand why anyone would be bothered Even thought dozens of women have explained why they personally would be bothered? You don't need to share their opinion but it's oddly dismissive to say you can't understand why anyone would be bothered.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 13/01/2022 00:03

Well op still hasn't said if it's a community mw. I'm assuming yes unless she's paying private .

If community then you'll barely see her. If it's a hospital mw then it wouldn't be a small team

The community midwife is not the one you'll have when in labour

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 13/01/2022 00:05

So really it depends how you feel about it . Everyone's going to have different opinions