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Original poster

Midwife has slept with DP - WWYD?

232 replies

Dipyang · 12/01/2022 15:25

Found out on of the midwives has slept with my DP, years ago etc pre me.

It's a small team there is a high chance she could be my midwife.

Would you be ok with this?

Yay or nay

OP posts:
ShadowPuppets · 12/01/2022 17:16

@Mouseonmychair

It amazes me what the NHS is supposed to adapt to. Personally I wouldn't be bothered and just want good quality care. Two consenting adults slept with each other and there in no affair involved I don't see the big or any deal.
By contrast, it amazes me what women are often supposed to put up with in pregnancy and birth.

The last time I read a thread about childbirth it was about someone who had experienced a traumatic birth and was considering a debrief. The number of posters commenting 'why would you ask for a debrief - the NHS is stretched enough as it is' was incredibly depressing.

If the NHS is too overburdened to allow those giving birth - something that for most women is the most traumatic physical act they have ever gone through at that point - to do so with compassion and dignity, the answer is that it must be better funded. The answer is not 'women must give birth without compassion and dignity'.

You may not see a big deal, but if the OP or any other woman in this scenario did, then that should be accommodated.

LavenderAskew · 12/01/2022 17:17

Was it a one off or a long term thing? Will she remember him?

Alisonb1234 · 12/01/2022 17:19

Probably best to request you have someone different so you're not stressing about it, though if she's the only one available at the time you may not care less, I had so many preferences (though nothing like this going on) but on the day I couldn't really have given a flying fuck about any of the birth plan personally

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
pocketfullofstorms · 12/01/2022 17:22

Personally I would ask to speak to the matron and explain and see if they can avoid the embarrassment for all of you when you're feeling vulnerable anyway.

Chanel05 · 12/01/2022 17:25

It'd be a no from me and I'd be requesting her not to be involved in my care. I doubt she'd even realise!

Youngstreet · 12/01/2022 17:26

My dm is a retired MW.
She says a woman has the right to refuse a MW she’s not comfortable with for any reason.
Once in her long career a woman just took a dislike to my dm and asked for another MW. My dm was not offended.

Another MW was a friend of someone who had an affair resulting in a marriage breakdown. When the exdh had a baby with a new dp the new dp refused this MW because she was friends with the ex wife.

girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 17:28

I'd request an alternative midwife. DP needs to be on board to sort that if you're not in a position to when the time comes.

Emerald5hamrock · 12/01/2022 17:29

It wouldn't be ideal.

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 12/01/2022 17:29

Sod that.

It’s one thing to have a polite chat with someone your DP bumps into in Tesco. It’s quite another to be legs akimbo screaming in pain whilst they remove another person from your fanjo.

No thanks

Rosemaryandlemon · 12/01/2022 17:29

Is this midwife aware of the situation? I imagine the midwife may feel there is a conflict here and may not consider she should deal with you. Doctors and nurses are not allowed to treat relatives because of conflict and this probably would be a grey area (ex partner/now partner of patient)

You’ve got 2 options really:

  1. Switch to another hospital/team this guarantees you won’t have her involved with your care. This is particularly relevant for emergency situations - when it’s all hands on deck and so you might not be able to ask for alternative (although in that situation you might not mind either).
  1. You mention at first appointment situation and asked that that midwife is not involved in your care and that can be put on notes. You could phrase, “Midwife x was previously in a relationship with DP Im sure she would consider that a conflict so can it be put on my notes she’s not involved in my care”.
NumberTheory · 12/01/2022 17:32

Assuming they don't have a current relationship of any type, even shared friendship groups, this really wouldn't bother me at. It clearly bothers you a little, though, so asking to ensure you get a different midwife is a good idea.

Even though I wouldn't be bothered I don't think it's an unreasonable request. It is good practice to keep social distance from people who provide you with professional services. You need dispassionate care where they they provide their best judgement unencumbered by potential conflicts or emotional involvement and you need to react to that care without your own potential conflicts. This is especially true if there is any chance it will interfere with trust or honesty.

Subulter · 12/01/2022 17:32

Our GP has slept with my DH, come to think of it. It was about a million years ago when we were all students. I can't say it's ever caused me more than a passing amusement.

LizBennet · 12/01/2022 17:34

@Subulter

Our GP has slept with my DH, come to think of it. It was about a million years ago when we were all students. I can't say it's ever caused me more than a passing amusement.
Does she often encounter you legs akimbo, screaming?
Mirw · 12/01/2022 17:37

Shouldn't make any difference. Was way before you. She should be professional. You should be concentrating on giving birth.

Jenasaurus · 12/01/2022 17:37

@LadyPenelope68

If it was before you met, it’s part of his past, wouldn’t burger me at all. If he’s slept with her whijstxwith you, then that’s different:
I agree with this, it wouldn't burger me either :)
Jenasaurus · 12/01/2022 17:38

@Mirw

Shouldn't make any difference. Was way before you. She should be professional. You should be concentrating on giving birth.
Would it make a difference if the midwife was someone you had slept with prior to meeting DP? I am just wondering if that would make it worse.
Echobelly · 12/01/2022 17:40

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'd think it was quite funny myself!

oviraptor21 · 12/01/2022 17:41

I don't think I'd like that. This is an intimate time between you and your DP and that kind of distraction is not something you want hanging in the air.
I'd request she not be assigned to me and see what they say.

BertieBotts · 12/01/2022 17:42

If it's for regular care you can just request someone else.

If you go in in early labour you can request someone else.

If she comes on shift and gets assigned to you mid way through labour I can promise you you won't notice or care who she is. I assume she will be professional.

Franklyfrost · 12/01/2022 17:45

For me it totally depends how important their relationship was. If it was casual and short lived I’d be fine with it. Anything more than that, maybe not.

Original poster
Dipyang · 12/01/2022 17:46

@LavenderAskew

Was it a one off or a long term thing? Will she remember him?
One off but surely you would remember? I would!

I guess depends how high your numbers are

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/01/2022 17:49

@Mouseonmychair

It amazes me what the NHS is supposed to adapt to. Personally I wouldn't be bothered and just want good quality care. Two consenting adults slept with each other and there in no affair involved I don't see the big or any deal.
The NHS itself prefers that this doesn't happen. I was referred by my GP to a healthcare professional (who was the only one at that point who was connected to the practice). She contacted me herself to say that she remembered me from when our children are at playgroup together (this was more than a decade later!), so was prepared to refer me on to a different practitioner if I world prefer it .

I actually had no problem with seeing her (but she wasn't going to be dealing with my undercarriage!) so we went ahead anyway.

lunar1 · 12/01/2022 17:50

It would be a no from me. I'm not a jealous person, everyone has a past. But this is literally the most vulnerable you will ever be in your life.

It's probably not great for her either, it adds pressure. What if everything isn't text book.

Some things just aren't worth adding a complication to and this is one of them.

Do you want her to help you with your first breastfeed?

Subulter · 12/01/2022 17:52

@LizBennet, while she's not seen me give birth obviously she's done smear tests, and pelvic exams, and witnessed me in considerable pain and bleeding as I have had horrible gynaecological issues for the past few years.

It still doesn't bother me that she slept with my husband before I did.

maddiemookins16mum · 12/01/2022 17:58

From the title I assumed they’d shagged in between the delivery and the afterbirth.
YAB slightly U.