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Original poster

Midwife has slept with DP - WWYD?

232 replies

Dipyang · 12/01/2022 15:25

Found out on of the midwives has slept with my DP, years ago etc pre me.

It's a small team there is a high chance she could be my midwife.

Would you be ok with this?

Yay or nay

OP posts:
Pleaseuniverseplease · 12/01/2022 18:48

@sadpapercourtesan

It would be a big nope from me. Quite enough intense emotions swirling around childbirth without having to deal with that undercurrent.

I'd ask early on that she not be involved in your care.

Agree
KatyRebecca84 · 12/01/2022 18:59

No way could I cope with this! I’d have to say early on in notes ‘please don’t have so and so as we know her’!

AliceMcK · 12/01/2022 19:05

I’m with you op, I don’t care who my DH slept with pre me but I don’t think I’d be comfortable having someone he’d had sex with taking care of me at me most vulnerable and with hormones running riot I’d be worried I’d over react at an innocent exchange.

I also think he did the right thing telling you. I’d be majorly pissed if my DH didn’t.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
JudgeJ · 12/01/2022 19:14

@FAQs

Title is a bit misleading! So the midwife is an ex partner or fling before your relationship.

Wouldn't bother me. Have to be grown up about these things, the care received is more important.

I can't be the only one who clicked on this thinking they'd done the deed while the OP was in labour!
Hercisback · 12/01/2022 19:16

Was it a full on relationship or one night stand? Either way I wouldn't care but one night stand would probably be easier for most people to deal with.

I'm genuinely concerned most people would care, am I not normal? All this talk of 'him catching her eye'. He's not going to shag her while his wife is giving birth.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/01/2022 19:16

As a professional she would identify her connection anyway once she recognised DP so this may not become an issue.
Of course you can't have someone who your DP slept with to deliver your baby!

TracyMosby · 12/01/2022 19:22

I don't think it would bother me. Im friendly with one of dh’s ex’s. However, dh would be uncomfortable and he would then make me feel uncomfortable.

recollectionsmayvary · 12/01/2022 19:24

@Solongtoshort

There was a story in the Liverpool Echo you should google it’s about a midwife who had slept with a partner/husband whilst they where on holiday and the Mother found out and l think the midwife may of been struck off or something, something happened enough for it to be in the paper.

People are human, it’s a small world. My collage tutor done my very first Smear, believe me if l wasn’t undressed with my legs propped up she wouldn’t of got near me but she was very professional. Good luck with the birth.

Link:

www.thesun.co.uk/news/5884895/midwife-delivers-baby-then-admits-she-slept-with-the-dad-on-benidorm-lads-holiday-right-before-the-mum-got-pregnant/

This Thread reminds me of that story too @Solongtoshort

@Dipyang go with whatever works for you!

HardbackWriter · 12/01/2022 19:32

All this talk of 'him catching her eye'. He's not going to shag her while his wife is giving birth.

It wouldn't be about that at all, for me. I wouldn't want a midwife who had slept with DH even if for some reason DH wasn't there. I wouldn't want her as my midwife but I wouldn't want anyone I know. I can only just live with the fact that DH saw me as I was when I gave birth and I'd rather not think about it! I'd be fine with it if she was my antenatal midwife too, it's specifically labour where I'd have the issue.

CamomileTeabag · 12/01/2022 19:34

Wouldn't bother me at all. In fact I'd find it very amusing. Depends how secure you feel in your relationship really!

DoodleBelle · 12/01/2022 19:35

I’m currently heavily pregnant and yes honestly this would bother me - you have enough to worry about without adding an extra layer to anything even if it isn’t something terribly significant. You’ve made a thread, you’ve given it headspace so on some level it probably will bother you. Save yourself the stress and request she is not involved in your care.

cherish123 · 12/01/2022 19:35

Is it likely she will deliver the baby? There must be a number of midwives at the hospital. How do you know she definitely works at that hospital? Does she know you?

girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 19:36

@CamomileTeabag

Wouldn't bother me at all. In fact I'd find it very amusing. Depends how secure you feel in your relationship really!
I don't think it's just a case of how secure you are. It depends on all of the surrounding circumstances.
Thirtytimesround · 12/01/2022 19:39

Anything that makes you tense or annoyed will slow or even payse labour and potentially cause knock on effects that can get serious. It’s a basic biological function which might help you if you were eg attacked and trying to flee but will not help you in a hospital where they’ll start muttering about labour failing to progress.

Just ask one of the ofher midwives to make a note on your file that X midwife is not to be part of your birth team. I did that re a midwife who I found annoying. It’s a common request, you don’t even have to give a reason although here your reason is very understandable.

If you can genuinely feel in your heart of hearts that her having been with your DP won’t make you tense in the slightest, then all is well. But if that was really how you felt you wouldn’t have made this post.

cherish123 · 12/01/2022 19:40

The midwives in the surgery (who you meet before at appointments) are not the same ones as those who deliver the baby.

BarkminsterBlue · 12/01/2022 19:42

@cherish123

The midwives in the surgery (who you meet before at appointments) are not the same ones as those who deliver the baby.
They are if they’re a caseload team.
Blue4YOU · 12/01/2022 19:44

She’ll know the reason for the request once the daily fail picks this up…
OP

  • I’m absolutely not suggesting anything will go wrong but, if it did, (whatever that might be) she’d probably be glad to not have been your midwife (so, for instance, you couldn’t argue that you had concerns but couldn’t raise them because of the personal knowledge of her or however it could be phrased).
It’s not going to draw untoward attention to her just because you request a change
AtLeastPretendToCare · 12/01/2022 19:49

Oh hell no

Blue4YOU · 12/01/2022 19:56

Professionally she shouldn’t be your midwife for the reasons I’ve said above.. imagine trying to argue she failed to read the heart monitor correctly or identify a transverse lie where she could say you were being spiteful…etc,
Just ask for another mw

WonderfulYou · 12/01/2022 19:59

It wouldn't be about that at all, for me. I wouldn't want a midwife who had slept with DH even if for some reason DH wasn't there.

Why though?
What would you feel uncomfortable about?

I could see if they were in a relationship and I was the OW or there was feelings still involved or something.
But just sex years ago wouldn’t bother me, she probably won’t even remember him.

lborgia · 12/01/2022 20:01

I think, given your husband's immediate reaction, I'd ask for a different MW.

The fact that he recognised her, and thought it awkward, says to me that he would rather she wasn't there.

I'm not saying this means anything, just that if he's weirded out, then immediately that would change the process for both of you.

I think I'd feel the same.

Not the same at all, but you've just reminded me of something -
I once got off the same flight as an ex's girlfriend. No idea.

He was waiting to meet her and that's when I realised. She bounced along perky, sparkly, pretty, about 15 years younger..

I had flu, and was wearing the clothes I'd been wearing in meetings for 12 hours and looked like shit.

Totally didn't matter, no one else would've cared, but I still remember it like yesterday...20 years later!

ThreeLittleDots · 12/01/2022 20:02

You may decline care from anyone you choose for any (or no) reason. I wouldn't want the distraction TBH, no matter how small.

I'd note it with the team leader who can arrange for you to avoid each other.

Powertoyou · 12/01/2022 20:11

It might be more awkward for the midwife, than you.

longtompot · 12/01/2022 20:14

At least it isn't the situation the woman opposite me on the delivery ward found herself in. Her partner was actually having an affair with one of the nurses. She only found out as he was very reluctant to be with her on the labour ward when she was having a very prem baby. My baby was prem too, and when I left I left her a note to say if she needed a chat here's my number. We stayed in touch for a few years, and both our dds were in the same school and classes for several years. I hope she is ok now.
If you and your dh feel uncomfortable about having her I wonder if you can ask to have someone else?

HardbackWriter · 12/01/2022 20:15

@WonderfulYou

It wouldn't be about that at all, for me. I wouldn't want a midwife who had slept with DH even if for some reason DH wasn't there.

Why though?
What would you feel uncomfortable about?

I could see if they were in a relationship and I was the OW or there was feelings still involved or something.
But just sex years ago wouldn’t bother me, she probably won’t even remember him.

Thinking about it the fact she'd slept with DH is a bit of a red herring as it's not the sex that's that problem as such - I just wouldn't want anyone I had any connection with. I'd take the midwife that had slept with DH over, say, the midwife who was the mum of one of DC's friends, but I wouldn't want either! It's not around not being around exes in general - as I said upthread, DH and I both invited exes to our wedding - it's about wanting to feel as anonymous as possible while in labour.
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