Midwife has slept with DP - WWYD?

[Dipyang]

Found out on of the midwives has slept with my DP, years ago etc pre me.

It's a small team there is a high chance she could be my midwife.

Would you be ok with this?

Yay or nay

This is one of those things where there isn't a right or wrong response, it's just what's instinctive for you - you listen to that feeling and don't try and rationalise it away, there's no point.

Labour and birth are so emotionally heightened - something like this does potentially matter. It's an intense time, you need your care to be separate and professional. If you are unhappy about someone involved in your care it can impede the birth - you need to feel relaxed and confident, not slightly on edge and full of cortisol.

It is absolutely understandable that you probably wouldn't want someone who once had sex with your DP being potentially the only other person in the room at a massively intense and personal emotional time, being possibly the first person who holds your baby and hands her/him to your DP

If it were me I would definitely ask for a different midwife!

I imagine you have a relationship history that pre-dates your husband...

Just let it go.

I think it's a bit unfair on her for you to request she isn't involved in your care, it's going to open questions from management over something that happened years ago. I couldn't see myself getting worked up over her doing check ups etc but probably would rather she didn't deliver my baby, not because she's done anything wrong but because of my own feelings. I don't think she would to deliver either and sure she would swap with someone if she happened to be in that position.

I'd ask for someone else, no big deal but it's about you on the day. Your partner's comments about "that's awkward " means it might be awkward. You'll have enough to deal with on the day.

Wouldn't bother me, they been together before me, the past is the past.

Well I just asked DH how he'd feel if this were us, and he said 'that's embarassing, but not a big deal'.

I pointed out that my midwife performed an episiotomy on me during DD's delivery and asked him how he'd feel about someone who'd had sex with me cutting his penis open.

He has revised his position and agrees with me that you should absolutely request someone else to be involved...

@appleturnovers

I wouldn't be able to relax if I was in that situation. No hard feelings per se, just the potential to be weird and awkward, especially with high emotions and hormones, and it's the sort of event where you really don't want any unnecessary distractions so yeah, I'd ask for her not to be involved.

Unneccesary distractions is a good way of putting it!

This is what I mean by there being no point in rationalising it, not when it's about labour and birth.

Nothing to do with being mature or 'grown up enough to have a baby' (!) - you can rationalise all you like, but when labour takes over, all that is quite likely to go out the window and if you feel you instinctively don't want that person there and just can't relax - then it's going to be distracting and unhelpful. And you do not need that!

Thinking again, is this a community midwife situation? Or the actual midwife who will deliver your baby?

Mine have never been the same, so just wondering really. I'd almost rather it was the birth one myself, but whenever I've given birth I've always been too all over the place to give a shit who was there! The community one might need to come to your house and things, which increases the chance of awkwardness.

I think this is the risk of staying / living / socialising and working in the same area for many years.

You can of course ask for someone else, but be aware that with covid and isolation requirements there may not always be an alternative to her providing care for you and work out whether it's an absolute hard line and you would rather not be seen by her at all (and either delay your appointment or travel elsewhere to see a midwife) or you would want to be seen by her if there was no other option.

It would be a no from me, just make a request that she isn’t involved with your pregnancy or labour, you wouldn’t post about it if you didn’t feel you’d find it uncomfortable and you have every right to want a stress free environment.

I am very unfussed about these things, to an extent to which has meant I've been called a 'cool wife' on MN before - both DH and I invited exes to our wedding, we're still friends with exes (and one of my best friends had an FWB arrangements with DH before he and I were together), I had lunch with an ex a few weeks ago, etc.

I still absolutely wouldn't want this when I was giving birth. It's the most vulnerable I've ever been and the care that the midwife gives is extraordinarily intimate. I wouldn't want the slightest hint of awkwardness in the room or any reason at all for me to feel self-conscious.

I’d request another midwife. I vaguely knew my midwife socially and requested a different one.

It totally depends if personality’s and circumstances
Is is possible someone can crack a joke then all get on ?
If he / she is a flirt
If one has feelings still
If your relationship has cracks or past trust issues etc etc tooo many variables
I can think of situations/ people where we could all find it funny and it would be an hilarious part of our birth story or it it would be hideous.. only you can know

I knew a midwife who gave birth at the unit that she worked at and she said it was a really bad decision - she absolutely hated that it was her colleagues. You just don't need anything that makes you feel more inhibited or self-conscious during birth.

How do you feel about it

It’s a very emotional time there are plenty of people that you wouldn’t want there which is absolutely fine

A community midwife? Because you're unlikely to have one of those at the birth

It depends. Long term relationship no, quick flling...its fine.

Yes, weird and awkward aren't exactly the feelings I'd want bringing in to the delivery room

I'd request a different midwife because of previous personal connection.

with dc2 the midwife examined me during transition. I kicked her, very hard (reflex, not by intention) and told her never to f'ing come near me again - bitch!

That's the kind of thing you'd want to avoid.

If I'd known she'd been a previous partner of my dp there's no telling what I might have said. I really wasn't in the most emotionally balanced place!

To be fair if she found out then she would likely ask not to look after you!! Particularly if she knows you know about it. Just because you can't relax in labour or pregnancy if you are anxious or preoccupied.

If your DH is still in contact with her he could give her the heads up and then her team will likely make a note that she won't be involved in your care (I've known this happen before when it's been exes or neighbours where the relationship isn't good, etc).

If not then you can just contact them (via facebook or by calling the maternity unit and asking to speak to the lead for antenatal clinic) and say you aren't being horrid but there's a conflict of interest and you'd feel more comfortable not being seen by that midwife - they will be able to accommodate it somehow. Unless you're about to say you live in NZ in an area where there are two midwives and that's it.

If it makes you uncomfortable just ask if you can have a different midwife. I'd make it clear she hasn't done anything wrong as it isn't something she can be blamed for but you need to feel comfortable with your midwife.

Good luck I hope it all goes well.

This would bother me. Not just the labour part of it but also your midwife is there for you to confide in and speak to about any worries or concerns about all aspects of your pregnancy,even your relationship. I'm really not suggesting you have any concerns re your relationship but if you did would you really feel comfortable speaking to her about them

You just don't need anything that makes you feel more inhibited or self-conscious during birth.

Exactly.

Childbirth is such a vulnerable thing that I wouldn’t want to knowingly put myself in a position that might be stressful or complicated. That the woman is a previous sexual partner isn’t particularly meaningful as we all have our pasts, but this is going to be one of the most intense days of your life. If she was coming over to fix the boiler or happened to be a teacher at school, it wouldn’t phase me at all, but pregnancy and childbirth needs to be all about you. Stress or negative emotions can have a real impact on your health and the health of your child.

Theoretically, Asking that she be excluded from your care should not be a big deal. People have to be recused from the care of people they have personal relationships with all the time. However, they probably operate a shift Rota for deliveries, and especially with Covid and the unpredictability that has introduced, it may not be possible for a relatively small staff to guarantee she won’t be on rotation when your time comes. You might need to change facilities, but the only way to find out is to ask.