I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...
On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.
DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.
The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.
I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.
Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.
We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.
As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!
The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.
My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.
DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)
I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.