Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

Firstly, start doing some voluntary work to build up your confidence. Is there anything you can do locally?

Secondly, you’ve obviously survived on 1 salary this long. What’s changed now? Can you look at reducing bills?

Just to people saying learn to drive-its virtually impossible where I live so op may be having similar issues. I was due to have my fourth driving test April 2020 after failing a third time in March and due to covid, many cancellations, lots of halts to lessons because of lockdown then having to retake my theory I am back at square one. I have finally got a theory test for Feb but struggling to even find an instructor to take me for lessons again!

What about something working from home? Admin type roll? Lots of places are including working from home if you have IT skills? Could you do an online course? To help get into something you may be interested in?

I'm surprised you've managed to be in forces accommodation (and presumably on base) and not had to volunteer for something yet!

You've got yourself into a bit of a circle of no OP, anything we mention - even glasses for driving - is a no. People drive with glasses and contact lenses. My first thought was also that there are information services in the services that you could use, but you don't want to change anything really. I'd suggest reading 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' to start off with. I've gone back to work after a similar time as a SAHP and it can be done.

Another army wag here. I can completely see how easy it is for armed forces partners to get stuck in your kind of rut. I’ve just had our first baby and moved 240 miles from my family to DH’s posting. Luckily I have a horse who came with us so she gives me a reason to leave the house at least once a day and socialise.

Unfortunately I think you need to push your boundaries massively to get out of this rut. Thinking you can’t drive because of your eyesight isn’t good enough. Find out for certain. If you can drive, then learn to. Personally the idea of being rural, with children and DH away snd no car would freak me out!

Then I’d find a local group you can join, maybe in something you’re interested in like baking, a military wives choir? Have you joined your patch fb group? In all our postings so far I’ve always found the wives really friendly and social.

Short-sighted is not a reason not to drive. If your current prescription isn't ok for driving (very low bar) , it won't be ok for anything and will be affecting your mood, giving you headaches, etc.

I do wear contact lenses but I don’t meet the standard of vision requirements, car number plate from 20 metres.

I’ve admitted that my confidence is hindering me but I’m not making things up!

Thanks to all for the advice on the Forces help that I can access. We lived previously somewhere with a hub but not now and I forgot about SSFA etc.

What work did you do before children, op? We live rurally too and I know it's much easier than people think to slowly slide into quite an isolated world. I'm very tempted to do it myself!

My thoughts are that moving house and learning to drive are quite big things that you've pointed out aren't really options. So, rural transport (ha, ha)....is there a nearby town you could get a bus or cycle to? I'm wondering whether you starting some volunteer work first would give yourself a boost, and once you're a bit more confident you could start thinking about a job. Volunteering is also easier to organise time wise, most places would be happy with a few hours a week.

If you were in a professional field before kids, it's worth researching how things have changed and do some free courses etc to bring you up to speed. But even if you didn't want to do that, there may be a recruitment agency who specialises in wfh typing, editing etc if that's suitable?

Good luck with it all, it's daunting, but maybe trying something small first will give you back the mindset that you can do it (because you can!!)

Get glasses to drive if your contacts are too general. You need to drive if you live rurally. No real option not to.

Make an appointment at the opticians ASAP. I struggle to believe that you are too short-sighted to learn to drive?! What is your prescription.

Your posts read like a list of excuses.

If finances allow I would actually look into volunteering.

You could start with a couple hours a week and gradually increase as your confidence increases.

You won’t be tied down like a normal job so if it’s too much you can reduce your hours or quit and also it will be great for your confidence and will give you some work experience to help you get a job.

The other thing to consider is what you as a family will do long term. When is your DH due to retire? What position will you be in if he isn't further extended? You won't be able to stay in married quarters forever, so a long term plan for where and how you'll live then is definitely needed. If you wanted to stay local to where you are now, are market rents achievable if he comes out to a civvy job?

I'm not trying to scaremonger, it's absolutely a necessity to plan for. Friends of ours are in the same married quarter they've been in for over 22yrs (Navy, so no moving) - I do worry about what they'll be do when he retires. He's got a 5yr extension and hopes to get another, but it's by no means guaranteed.

@averypoormummy What do you have that’s a walkable distance from you OP? Shops?
How much do you need to be bringing in a month? Would a PT minimum wage job be good enough to at least get you back into the swing of working?
If it would then write up a CV! Doesn’t need to be huge! Write a bit in it stating that you’ve been a SAHM for the last 15 years due to you your husband being in the forces and was working away a lot but now you’re looking to get back into work.

I have been a retail manager for the last 10 years and have absolutely no issue hiring someone with a long gap in their CV so don’t worry about that 😊 it’s great if you explain the gap though! I have a couple of mums that work with me currently - one works 8am-12 (her DH does school drop offs) and the other works 10am-2 as she’s a single parent and that allows her to do drop off and pick up. Works well for us as she comes in and covers while the FT staff get their lunch breaks 😊 you might be able to find a similar shift!

Do you think you’d benefit from talking to someone about your anxiety? Or do you think you’d be able to push yourself and get over that first hurdle and go and hand out some CVs?

I am very similar to you @averypoormummy. Very similar
Have you thought about doing on online course? Look at Birbeck. It might be a way to regain confidence and a sense of who you are.
I’m happy to chat more, you are welcome to dm me.

Rtt, she can't drive due to eyesight, sometimes no matter how many glasses you wear you still don't have enough vision. My mum can't drive due to her eyesight, although she is not blind and can do everything else OK.

You need 1 single, practical doable and specific task to focus on.

Take your pick -

1. Get laser eye surgery or significant vision correction in some way or just consult an optician.

1. Learn to drive.

1. Do a course on Udemy. One that fits the broad skill sets or profiles you’d like to use/have previously used.

1. Make a list of qualifications you could get via remote or online learning.

1. Find a volunteering role at the weekend where you could driven to and back.

1. Self refer to your local IAPTs services and get signed up a for a free, online CBT course to deal with the agoraphobia and anxiety

1. Speak to your GP and secure an appointment to see if beta blockers for anxiety can be prescribed.

If you find excuses for any and all of these - I think you will know you actually do not want your situation to change.

@averypoormummy

I do wear contact lenses but I don’t meet the standard of vision requirements, car number plate from 20 metres.

I’ve admitted that my confidence is hindering me but I’m not making things up!

Thanks to all for the advice on the Forces help that I can access. We lived previously somewhere with a hub but not now and I forgot about SSFA etc.

Then make an appointment with your optician, because clearly, your prescription is sub-par.

Gently, OP, it sounds as though your confidence is shot to bits, because all you're coming back with is excuse after excuse, no matter the helpful suggestions given.

You sound as though you're stuck in a rut, but the only person who has the power to change that is you, and you have to WANT to do it enough that you will pull yourself out of your current comfort zone.

As a military spouse, do you have any access to mental health services? Would some counselling be of use to you?

@ChicCroissant no not on base, and I’ve never heard of not having a choice in volunteering for something!! I’ve been a military wife for 18 years and not known anyone that has...

@buckingmad I’ve done all these things in past and not particularly interested in rejoining...

It sounds so awful, but I’m not particularly interested in making any military friends. I like the fact that this doesn’t feel like a military area, we have done those sort of patches for a long time and while they were a lot of fun the reason for this move was to grow up a bit and step away.

I’ve held some bits back as very identifying but DC hobby’s come with a social life for DH and I and take up a lot of our time and weekends and it’s somewhere I’m very happy and comfortable to be, mostly because DH is always there.

@Onatree

You need 1 single, practical doable and specific task to focus on.

Take your pick -

1. Get laser eye surgery or significant vision correction in some way or just consult an optician.

1. Learn to drive.

1. Do a course on Udemy. One that fits the broad skill sets or profiles you’d like to use/have previously used.

1. Make a list of qualifications you could get via remote or online learning.

1. Find a volunteering role at the weekend where you could driven to and back.

1. Self refer to your local IAPTs services and get signed up a for a free, online CBT course to deal with the agoraphobia and anxiety

1. Speak to your GP and secure an appointment to see if beta blockers for anxiety can be prescribed.

If you find excuses for any and all of these - I think you will know you actually do not want your situation to change.

This.

Navy wag here - I'm not sure if you're RN and in a base port but probably not if you're really rural.

I faced a similar dilemma when we moved and I had a baby (and another 2) and ended up starting a WFH business. It's not an MLM but a freelance writing business which I run properly (and sometimes I use other WAGs as freelancers too). Anyway long story short another spouse and I are in the process of putting together a website and set of courses on how MilSpouses can find WFH opportunities without resorting to MLMs. It's nowhere near ready but I think it will be helpful to quite a few others in a similar situation.

Anyway, on my travels I have connected with spouses who have an admin or professional background who freelance as virtual assistants, blog writers, copywriters, audiobook narrators, podcast editors, social media managers, and probably a few more I can't think of right now. Most of us have made very little outlay starting off with just a laptop and have done lots of free research to add extra skills.

Would any of those things work for you? A quick Google will give you loads more details.

@BlueFlavour thank you I will.

@Onatree thank you that list is very helpful I’m going to make a start tomorrow.

Is it DH encouraging you to get a job or have you decided it’s best to get one?

I don’t like juggling childcare and working full time but I don’t think I’d ever not want to work or volunteer - it gives you confidence and a form of self worth and identity away from just being a mum.

@Neighneigh thank you for your lovely reply.

Working from home would be my absolute goal, I just don’t know where to look and what I could do or not do!

I am/was a qualified nursery nurse pre DC but I’ve no desire to go back into that, so I guess I’m starting from scratch.

@WonderfulYou DH would definitely like me to get a job and has for sometime, I want to to ease the pressure for him financially and think it would also be good for my confidence...

But here I am still not working, I feel such a mixture of guilt and fear and non of it helpful in giving me the push to do anything about it.

I think you need to start really small, people saying learn to drive, get a job or volunteer are not really thinking those are actually really big things that you might need to build up to.

Having suffered from anxiety and agrophobia, I would start really small, every day step out of your house and walk 5 meters 10 meters on your own and sit or stand for five minutes figure out how anxious you are being there by yourself and then start building up, going further, but on your own, no kids, dog or husband.

This may take you a lot of time, to be able to go say 100 meters just by yourself but take it one step at a time, then deal with the big shit later on.

Make a list of things you want to have done by the end of the month, 3 months, 6 months a year. Dont be stupid with it, walk to the shop and buy something at the end of 6 months is a massive achievement if you haven't done it in 5 years type of thing, so don't feel like at the end of the year you need to put down have a job putting in 2 million a year minimum