Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

@averypoormummy Then why not move somewhere where you can be independent. I live rurally, the public transport here is not reliable, expensive and the timings rarely fit with anything.

How do you cope in school holidays when your dh is presumably at work? How are the kids able to meet up with friends?

You should write down all the reasons you can't and check them off
Eg 1) can't drive
2) can't drive because...sight
3) book opticians appt to get their opinion
4) can't drive cos cost of lessons
Discuss with dh prioritising
Etc etc

Also, it’s possible to wear contact lenses for day to day stuff then add in glasses for driving. My mum does this, and she’s in her 70s!

I do feel for you, OP.

I think probably you need to apply for anything going you can get to or on a bus route or WFH basis, whether or not you totally fancy it - at least the process of interviewing will get you practice and help you work out what you do want to do. Sitting and wondering whether you can do something is very anxiety inducing, more so than when you actually get out and do it.

My own mum has anxiety and was at home with us for many years, until my dad pushed her to get a job when we were teens because he felt that she was stagnating and also wouldn't have accrued her state pension if she doesn't go back (which will be the case for you once your youngest is 12). I do sympathise, but I will also say to you, kindly, that when I was a teen looking at my mum I didn't admire her for hiding from the world at a point at which I was looking forward to getting out there. It's not just finances, but about showing your kids how to look outwards, seize opportunities and put yourself in a good place financially. If you are in a wealthy area, maybe housekeeping jobs would be a good way to ease in? If you don't fancy this, you may need to do a brush up IT skills course, as lots of PA jobs etc will want you to be able to evidence your word processing etc

Best of luck x

@user5656555 Yes resettlement, we will both have quite a bit of estate left at some point and a small amount of savings, I don’t doubt we will be in the position to buy further down the line but it’s feeling a bit heavy just now.

Thank you, it feels so bitter sweet as I really do love it here and our DC are thriving but it seems me not so much.

I can understand how you feel. I have found that positive affirmations helped me in the past. You need to change your thinking into I am strong, I am capable. I know it sounds a bit crazy but they really do help. I used to do them when walking the dog!

Consider some small work commitment in the first instance?

Some voluntary work, could be back office paperwork initially. Perhaps something like exam inviligiation at a school, just something that isn't a massive step but is a movement in the right direction.

Good luck.

@ThackeryBinks thank you.

@averypoormummy

Unfortunately driving is not an option due to eyesight, I wear contact lenses but terribly short sighted.

All but the most extreme short sight can be corrected with specs or lenses or a combination - do you know for sure you can’t drive with your corrected vision? If it’s genuinely that bad then you could explore whether you’re eligible for PIP or DLA…

I know someone who lives where there are only 2 buses a day - out at 8am and return at 4 pm - she takes them everyday to and from a town where she has a job doing a company's accounts and is well paid . Could you do any courses at home to help get job ?

This is a great YouTube channel. Although it is called Single Mum Entrepreneur. It is not all about starting your own business. Ignore that everything is in dollars, she is just trying to get a bigger engagement from an American audience. All of the companies she is talking about will hire from the UK as well.

www.youtube.com/c/TheSingleMumEntrepreneur

She has a ton of videos of companies that are hiring to work from home.

These may not make you a millionaire but 1) It can help to create at least one stream of income 2) It may help with your social anxiety if you have to start to engage with people on the phone a couple of hours a day.

Check it out and it may help.

@tara66 thank you that’s on my to do list this week. 😊

I am borderline partially sighted due to short sight, and now long sight, and I can drive! You don't have a good enough prescription on your contacts if you can't attain driving standard. You can use bifocals/glasses on top of lenses or get better lenses. I have a complex prescription so it's not cheap to purchase these but if you are paying for contacts, you clearly pay out anyway- you need to go to the best optician around and say 'I want to be able to have driving standard vision' and they will go through the various solutions with you (there are more than one).

I get you though, you are comfortable where you are, and so these things seem easier to just leave or repeat, rather than do new things.

@BetterCare Oo thanks so much, I’ll definitely check out.

Definitely look at your outgoings. With a good wage and heavily subsidised housing, there must be many opportunities for reducing your outgoings.

So what exactly is wrong with your eyes?

What is your prescription?

If you have a condition that means you can't drive then could you at least explain to us what it is?

I wonder if part of wanting to stay where you are, location and set-up wise, is because your DH is doing so much better there with his mental health? I can imagine him being unwell would have rocked everything for you and that has tipped you into not wanting to change anything. Just a thought.

Another forces wife here, I can absolutely see how you've found yourself in this position and I think for anyone without the experience of living this kind of lifestyle it's very hard to get their head around. It's why DH and I decided to buy a house and have a base, so I could have my career and stability for me and DS, although it's not a perfect solution as we end up being apart a lot, but we were even when we lived in SFA anyway.

That being said, I don't think this sounds very healthy for you. I have anxiety and became quite insular and felt I was happy just pottering at home without much ambition in our final posting before we bought our house. The anxiety was actually symptomatic of my not being that happy after all, but the task of finding a job did feel insurmountable at the time. Now I've been back working for a number of years and actually have a career and I am so much happier and more fulfilled and there's no longer any space for the anxiety to take over, but taking the first step is hard.

There is a huge amount of support out there for military wives and partners, it's just not always that well publicised. Recruit for Spouses are worth contacting as they can guide you towards career coaching options, but also have a flexible workforce that you might be able to join. Mike Alpha offer digital marketing training, courses, job opportunities and mentoring for free or heavily reduced rates, so they'd be worth contacting. SSAFA or your welfare unit are a hood place to start. There's a magazine called Career Pursuit that was put together by a military wife that advertises a lot of the charities and organisations out there that are set up to support military partners, especially. Your welfare unit should be able to get you a copy.

Kindly, I have to say that I do agree with others that you don't seem that open to solutions at the moment. I've been there and yes, it's extremely hard, but at some stage you're going to have to do the difficult stuff you don't want to do if you want to improve your situation. Register with some recruitment agencies and start researching the career support that's out there for military families and contact a few of them today, it's a step in the right direction and starting is always the hardest bit. You'll probably find it starts to feel more manageable once you've got the process going. Managing anxiety is a lot about breaking things down into bitesize chunks. If it really is preventing you from doing things then I would also consider starting the process to seek some free support to help manage it, too.

If you worked with small children could you train as a childminder? You would have contact with people, but limited, and wouldn't have to leave the house for work, just for taking your charges on a walks etc.

Babysitting? Childminding?

I think the scope of opportunities you have might indeed mean some obvious choices aren't on the table for you. I recently went back to work after 10 years, similar situation though different reasons to you. I did the classic easing back in, of getting a job in a supermarket as the skills criteria for getting the job was achievable after a long gap.
If your situation requires a bit more thinking out of the mould it might not be a quick fix as it were. So in the meantime could you revise your outgoings? DH and I recently did that and it makes an immediate difference if there is anything you can prune.
We made a list of all our outgoings and I tackled them one by one shaving off bits here and there. Now our bank balance is more bouyant one month to the next. Might just take the pressure of your DH as you say he is feeling it.

If you absolutely can't drive (and you seem to indicate that there are reasons why not, apart from the short-sightedness, although you don't want to share them) then how have you ended up living rurally and so far from base? It seems like a very poor choice for someone in your situation - it's almost as if you are trying to sabotage your own chances of making any changes? There's a sort of - dear me, if only X, Y and Z then I could work, make friends, improve our finances but I have all these obstacles in my way so I can't do anything - except that you seem to have deliberately created some of these obstacles yourself!

Ffs those saying laser eye surgery and just learn to drive did you miss the part about struggling financially?
I second the idea about the beta blockers I'm on them for panic attacks and they are amazing.

I would also reccomend getting online work lionbridge are usually looking for raters and there are lots of online transcription sites out there. It is basically online piece work but as your children are older and you have most of the day free you should be able to make a fair bit on the side. Also.its work when you want.

@toastfiend thank you this is really helpful, will take a look.

@BoredZelda

Definitely look at your outgoings. With a good wage and heavily subsidised housing, there must be many opportunities for reducing your outgoings.

This! Address part of the root cause of the problem first! You've got heavily subsidised housing, a decent income and you can only be running one car at most, so what's led you to having financial difficulties??