Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

@Nousernameforme thank you, I’m just looking at these kind of sites just now...

Do you know with Lionbridge if you need any kind of prior tech/admin experience?

I'd look for a job you can do at home. Surely that's the perfect solution?

Like being a VA (virtual assistant). All you need is a computer and excellent Wi-Fi.

If she lives in the middle of nowhere am not sure there will be a huge demand for childminding.

All the people determined that it can’t be possible to be too short sighted to drive; do you really want a visually impaired driver on the road? Why is it so hard to imagine that someone might genuinely be too short sighted, even with correction, to drive?

I have ridiculously thick glasses. I can legally drive, and do. But if my eyes deteriorate further, I may need to stop. Perhaps not legally, but I know when I can’t see what I need to see. How is that too hard to understand? Add in anxiety and agoraphobia and personally I’m very thankful the OP is not behind a wheel anywhere near me.

OP sounds as though everything else in your life is really well balanced. Can completely understand why you don’t want to move and uproot children, pay more for accommodation, etc.

What are your phone skills like? Could you do home based call centre work, telemarketing, that kind of thing?

Or would you feel ok with people coming into your house? In which case do you have skills you could put to use, tutoring perhaps or if you have skills in domestic type pursuits then maybe putting on workshops for craft related stuff? Or running children’s creative groups, an after school cookery class or toddler bake and take type sessions or similar? Obviously depends on layout of your house and whether you could create a space for something like that.

Is your garden a safe space for you or are you needing to be inside? If you can be outside then can you set seeds now and sell on the seedlings once they’re a bit bigger? Wouldn’t be huge earnings at all but might be a nice safe-ish way to start; honesty box by the door type thing?

@averypoormummy

Unfortunately driving is not an option due to eyesight, I wear contact lenses but terribly short sighted.

Of course you can drive. My SIL is very short sighted and wears contact lenses but she drives, passed in an automatic car.

Have a look at the earn £10 a day thread on here OP, every little helps.

It's not cheap to learn to drive. I can't afford it either.

No-one know what OP's eyesight is like unless her Opticians comes on and shares her VAs with everyone.

I just wanted to say that I relate to so much of what you've written. I have 3 children, all at school but I still hide behind my 'SAHM' role even though I feel I should really be working. I do suffer with anxiety although I tend to hide it well from people. Inside my head is a mess, every little thing is a massive deal and I just don't feel like I can face the real world of employment. I see friends and family going off to work every day and I'm just so pleased that it's not me but at the same time feel like I'm not contributing enough to both society and my family. Like you I am perfectly happy pottering around the house enjoying my own company. A job working from home would be ideal but with a big gap in work experience may need to be something you start off from scratch. I wish I had the answer.

@SilenceOfThePrams I’m just looking at roles like this and have a list...

The YouTuber, the entrepreneur mummy that a pp suggested is looking really helpful and seems to have various vlogs on a lot of working from home options so I’m going to spend some time today, looking into that!

There are a few jobs you could do working from home.

If you're any good with figures you could see about doing a distance learning payroll etc course (SAGE) and then you can market yourself as that. A friend of mine who is a milkmaid (yes they still have them!) is retraining to be a farming accountant in Shropshire - going back to college to do this. Then, presumably, she works for a big farm as an accountant. My DM years ago worked as a pig secretary for a year at a big farm in Sussex. Basically weighing pigs, piglets, typing etc. You have to see if there are any local farms that would take you on though.

Definitely look up bus times or maybe cycle anywhere.

[quote averypoormummy]@SilenceOfThePrams I’m just looking at roles like this and have a list...

The YouTuber, the entrepreneur mummy that a pp suggested is looking really helpful and seems to have various vlogs on a lot of working from home options so I’m going to spend some time today, looking into that![/quote]
Be careful though not to go down the Instagrammer or blogger/vlogger or MLM route.

Depends what your skillset is - are you really crafty? could you do that and set up a cottage industry doing that?

DM years ago started a cottage industry involving old smocks and got farm workers to embroider them - but this was years ago!

@Gonnagetgoing thank you, I’m awful with numbers and maths but I am fairly good at English and social media so hopefully I can find something that centres round those.

Though baby piglet weighing sounds like the dream! 😍

@Gonnagetgoing definitely staying well away from MLM schemes, it’s quite a common way to go for a military wife, lots of ways to connect, if you life in a big patch so can smell them a mile off.

I'm in a really similar position to you OP. Military family and haven't worked since my first child was born. I felt similar anxiety about returning into the 'real world' and would make any excuse not to. I also struggled with references from previous employers. It's important you know that you can ALWAYS email people you used to work with and ask, even if it's been years. Worst case scenario they say no.
The other thing I can recommend is volunteer work. This looks great on your CV, an instant referee is created when you look for a paid job, and also it gives you a boost of confidence that you can get out there.
Don't wait to feel "better" before you try, it's never going to happen. You have to force yourself to take the first step. When you see it isn't that scary, the rest will fall into place.

I think people are hung-up on the driving but because you went from-

So I don’t think I’d be able to drive due to my eyesight, I’m very short sighted!

To

Unfortunately driving is not an option due to eyesight, I wear contact lenses but terribly short sighted

In under two minutes, so I think people are confused as to whether you can’t, or just think you can’t without having fully explored your options with your own optician.

Honestly OP, you sound very defeatist. It sounds like you live in a nice area where your children are doing well. Most people would be trying to make the most out of that and doing what they can to better their situation but you’re saying no to pretty much everything that’s being suggested.

If you write-off everything, nothing will change.

[quote averypoormummy]@Gonnagetgoing thank you, I’m awful with numbers and maths but I am fairly good at English and social media so hopefully I can find something that centres round those.

Though baby piglet weighing sounds like the dream! 😍[/quote]
@averypoormummy - this was years ago - my DM got out of a very well paid job (advertising) in London and came down to the country to this huge pig farm! She did drive though but says yes it was mostly secretarial work but she didn't even think much about where the pigs went!

She did love the piglet weighing though and also learned to ride a horse much better than she had done before!

Everyone seems very focused on the driving/vision issue but in the gentlest way possible OP I think this is much more a mental health issue.
It’s not that you can’t find work, I’m sure you’d be eminently capable. But you are in a place with your anxiety that means you can’t. The best investment you can make for your family right now is to look at getting support for that. I say that as a mum who had huge perinatal anxiety and wouldn’t go anywhere.
It’s so easy to built a comfortable life to avoid anxiety triggers but avoidant behaviour contributes to the problem long term.

[quote averypoormummy]@Gonnagetgoing definitely staying well away from MLM schemes, it’s quite a common way to go for a military wife, lots of ways to connect, if you life in a big patch so can smell them a mile off.[/quote]
@averypoormummy - good stuff re the MLM!

Actually a few years ago (I'm a bit older than you)I recall a friend of a friend of mine had her DC and they'd grown (as yours had) and she was trying to work out what to do for work. I met her and she was flummoxed at what to do! I don't think she drove either. She got married and to be honest not 100% sure what she did but I think it's quite a common issue with young mums if you've been out of the workforce for a while. Not surprised that by being in the country you're isolated in a lot of ways - recently when I've seen a friend who's moved from London to country not far from the sea, she had to learn to drive (took some time) but she relied on her DH and also a local bus or walking, to get anywhere, and trains as she worked occasionally in London.

Do you meet the criteria for being partially sighted if your vision can’t be sufficiently corrected with glasses? If you do potentially you may be able to get some help to increase your independent mobility. Is there public transport in your village?

Oh, this friend of a friend also had confidence (and maybe mental health issues) around work and finding it (I'd worked since I was 17). She really didn't have a clue what to do as she'd never worked.

Didn't help she had also been off school due to a heart issue and operations around it but she was a clever woman.

I think you should write novels. I sense you'd be excellent.

U could teach English online to foreign students, there were some posts about it on Mumsnet in the past.

Well, there’s not much point right now looking for a well paying job if you don’t have transport to get to it.

Learn to drive OP.

You can start by applying for your provisional. You can study for the theory before you even take your first lesson. So a baby step to getting better.
That and mental health support are essential right now imo.

OP all your posts scream to me that you have lost your confidence to escape the very cosy bubble that you currently inhabit.
When things get desperate you will do something because you have to !
I know I've been there, started off small as a midday meals assistant at a school and by the time I retired over 20 years later I had a varied later career history and a pension to boot.
It really is taking that step which can often be a huge push because of your economic reality.

What about an agricultural/ horticultural job within walking distance?

I think you need to begin with small steps. So you say that you actively avoid banging into people, so for a weeks make sure your routine means seeing and speaking to people regularly.

Any day classes that you could join? A walking group if it’s that rural? Volunteering? Make a plan and stick to it, even when it gets tough. For example you may feel nervous when people ask what you do or if people aren’t as chatty as you’d hope. Things take time and you need to battle through it.

There’s no point in starting work until you’re feeling better in yourself and hiding yourself away won’t enable that. Small steps for now.