Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

[quote averypoormummy]@hopeishere that’s good for you but like I’ve said at least 5 times, driving is not an option for me, it isn’t really that hard to understand, some people can’t!![/quote]
I'm sorry I'd not the full thread.

However a lot of your post reminds me of my mum - couldn't drive (or more accurately chose not to in her case), social anxiety, agoraphobia. It got harder for her as she got older and as we moved on with our lives. Compared to her friends she lived a half life.

Hopefully you can pull yourself out of this spiral.

@averypoormummy I was working from home, I did guided learning in the morning for about 2 hours, and set tasks in the afternoon (easy with my eldest child who was 10 who was largely on Teams, it was more challenging with my then 7 year old). I didn't need to get in my full 37 hours every week because like many employers mine knew my circumstances, but I would do a bit of work in the evening if I felt I was behind.

Of course it's easy when you're not working especially when your kids are the age they are now, yes deployment can be mentally challenging but it can't be overly physically challenging for you when you don't work. Youve done this 18 years now, you know the drill and it's not the same when they're deploying earlier in the marriage with babies etc. You will have the capacity to do more, you need to stop making excuses.

Whilst you're in a rural posting I would use this time to look at research, training, CV writing etc, perhaps some remote voluntary work?

Its not easy just to " learn to drive " especially if you are struggling with confidence and short of money!
Sort out your other problems first , GLASSES honestly you need to sort that out.
Work on your confidence and skill set , there are some online courses you can do .
You won't find a job just be wistfully thinking about it
You also need to know what you want.
The first step is the hardest

Out of interest, what happens when your dh is deployed away from home, how do dc get to hobby? What happens if they need to. Go to doctors, dentist, A&E, or they want to go to a friend's party? All normal stuff... If you don't drive do they just not go and you all sit at home?
I agree try small steps, build on them, I think your agoraphobia is quite bad if your designing tricks and timescales to avoid any human contact when on your own.
Please seek help to support you making changes.
But please get a professional opinion on your eyesight, if your really so short sighted you cannot, with corrective glasses, drive then you may well qualify as disabled.

Other thought.. Get a dog, you have to leave the house then, and if you meet people walking your dog (rurally bet you will) you have something to chat about.. Most dog owners are friendly and will say something like "ahh, he/she is sweet, had them long?" or something benign.. You just have to give one line answer and smile and walk on.
It might be a start of building confidence engaging with the world

[quote averypoormummy]@Summersdreaming I’d like to think I’ve just got into a bit of a rut and somedays I think forcing myself into a new routine could be the best thing for me, others even the thought makes my heart want to beat through my chest!

So I don’t think I’d be able to drive due to my eyesight, I’m very short sighted![/quote]
As long as your prescription is upto date there’s no issue with driving.

I’m VERY short sighted, (-10.5 and -9.5) and have no problems.

Very gently, that’s an excuse, and not a very good one

Sorry but you do need a kick up the bum.
It’s not fair to leave all this to your DH. Your kids are more than old enough for you to get a job!
So write a list and do it - GP for help with anxiety, enrol to learn to drive or ask DH to teach you, write a CV and start looking small for things like cleaning jobs, flexible shop work etc etc. lots of jobs are now work from home so also look there.
If you’re struggling financially in heavily subsidised accommodation then you need to make a change asap.

@averypoormummy

I do wear contact lenses but I don’t meet the standard of vision requirements, car number plate from 20 metres.

I’ve admitted that my confidence is hindering me but I’m not making things up!

Thanks to all for the advice on the Forces help that I can access. We lived previously somewhere with a hub but not now and I forgot about SSFA etc.

If this is the case, you need a trip to the opticians, your prescription is wrong!

Optometrist here.

High myopia (short-sightedness) can often cause people to not be able to achieve the eyesight standard to be able to drive. As the eyeball grows, the retina is pulled thinner, so things such as retinal detachment and macula degenerative conditions become significantly more common. These can reduce the amount of letter that you're able to see on the chart.

For those suggesting glasses - 99% of high myopes see significantly better in contact lenses than glasses, due to the glasses making things smaller and also something called "prismatic effects" which can make it more difficult for the eye muscles to work effectively.

Having said that, if I see someone who if a high myope, who doesn't drive and they're happy with their vision, I would often keep them on a contact lens type which is more convenient or hygienic, comfortable or cheaper, rather than investigating options which slightly improve visual acuity.

At the end of the day, your options are incredibly limited if you live rurally and don't drive.

Could you get a bicycle. Initially this may help you to venture further so helping with your agoraphobia.
I can’t imagine being stuck with no transport.

Also in terms of financial planning, you're in MQs now- what's the long term housing plan? Can that be achieved on one salary?

Laser Eye Surgery - has no one mentioned it? Check if your eyes suit this procedure - it can be life changing. Also it can be paid for in instalments. You must see that if you live in a rural area with no transport and cannot, for example, do wedding dress making - you are completely limited regarding any money making activity.
Also - PPs are telling you like it is - they are not trying to be nasty.

Aren’t there normally shops on forces bases that employ people? Could you work for the forces in a civilian capacity? My job as a bar maid was pretty flexible; what about dinner lady/ cleaning at the local school, you could volunteer to listen to children read and potentially get into the school that way. What about offering childcare, a school pick up service for those local. We really struggle with the 16.00-19.00 childcare and a local mum who offered this would be amazing.

I think people might be being unfair on the OP re: learning to drive. It is possible to be so vision impaired that you can't drive, without having to be blind.

OP - have you been officially advised by an optician that you won't ever be able to drive?

I also agree that small steps are needed. At the moment you take active steps to avoid human contact. Could you start by not taking some of those steps, maybe once or twice a week, to start with? And definitely talk to your GP.

So we don’t have a long term housing plan as of yet, we have a lovely life but everything we have goes into the DC. DH has extended his commission and there is never any worry of us not having a quarter, though realise for stability for DC this isn’t ideal, and end goal of course is to buy somewhere of our own.

@underneaththeash thank you that is indeed my issue and I see much better in contact lenses!

Would an electric bike help with mobility at all? Your DH may be able to get it with tax savings, paid via installments through his work.

If you previously worked with children, would childminding be possible? Kids could be dropped off with you, then. You could start off with limited hours and build up your confidence and capacity.

@averypoormummy so you're in officer's quarters? Do you have the savings put away for a house purchase on his retirement or is it just a vague hope? You don't get much notice of losing quarters....

Fine, you say you can't learn to drive, where does that leave you in terms of travel? What's actually practical in terms of public transport where you are? How often do they come through your area and how long is it to your nearest town or city?

Assuming that you haven't made up the reason why you can't drive. I would get yourself to an opticians. My eyesight is -11, I can't drive in my lenses but I can in glasses. Your children get the bus to school but how do you get them to friends, to parties, to clubs etc? I have two teens and living rurally without being able to drive would be a non starter. Teenage kids want to go out! I could never be so dependent on my dh.

@averypoormummy

Unfortunately driving is not an option due to eyesight, I wear contact lenses but terribly short sighted.

I'm -8. I can drive. Just look into it before you write it off.

Hi OP. Forces wife here! I think im going to come across fairly harsh here but the choices of someone married to Armed Forces personel arent really the same as the rest of society. Its pretty black and white tbh.

You either get a family home and stability in one area, base yourself and your kids there. Look for childcare/wraparound care so you can work. DH works away during the week and lives in the mess.

Or

You either find a temp job that fits school hours or continue being a SAHM.

My family do the 1st option.

Before all of that though, you need to deal with your mental health. Depending on the type of patch your on and the vibe of it, are there coffee mornings you can go to? Just once a week to step out of your comfort zone and make you realise you can do it.

What is your DH solution ?
He wants you to work down how will he help accommodate that ?

@averypoormummy he's going to have to retire at some point and you won't have MQs then. Will his resettlement be enough to buy a house? Are you saving heavily at the moment? So many military families fall into the trap of enjoying low cost housing but don't think long term.

Is he worried about the overall financial picture? I'm just wondering if these are some of his concerns, I would be very worried so make sure you're talking to him.

Equally it sounds like a bloody pain in the arse posting, does he get much say in his postings? Can he get somewhere better linked next time, there's only so far he can guilt trip you about work if he's posted to the arse end of nowhere with no driving licence.

@alrightfella good for you, as explained by the optometrist up thread I can’t!

@SilverHairedCat so that’s my job this morning to look at all the routes that are covered by the local bus services, we have a little village hopper that comes once an hour and then our nearest (across fields/moor) town with a city bus is a half hour walk, though the hopper does pass here, if timings were to work.

I also used to be in the Army. If your DH has extended his commission and has been in 18 years ive got a fair idea of what his wage is. Military housing is very cheap.

Im a bit baffled as to why your pushed for cash tbh.

Learn to drive first. Your excuse for not being able to do that is ridiculous. Loads of us drive who have poor eyesight. We wear glasses or contact lenses.
If these are the sort of excuses you’re giving for not looking for a job then I’m afraid, to be blunt, you need to give your head a wobble.