Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

@drspouse not all military housing is directly on base, I've never lived on a base and have lived in several MQs.

If there is a bus locally worth looking into disabled bus pass.
This is Lancashire but I’m sure similar in lots of areas.
www.lancashire.gov.uk/roads-parking-and-travel/public-transport/apply-for-a-concessionary-travel-pass/
So if you aren’t physically able to drive you qualify - free bus or £1 in mornings. That might make a job in town more viable assuming there is a bus.
You mention the children go to school by bus do Council employ bus chaperones - they would pick you up and drop you home and a good fit for someone with a childcare qualification. Even if it was only a short term to get you a reference etc.

@drspouse

OK so no 1 on your list should be:

1. Book appointment with optician
2. Ask if it's possible to boost eyesight enough for driving
3. If so book driving lessons (and possibly boost them with your DH helping to teach you as yes, they are expensive).

However I'm a bit confused about why you don't live on base: are officers' families not allowed to live on base?
There is a base near us and it's a nice community by all accounts. If your children are secondary age then 15 miles (especially 15 non-town miles) would be fine for secondary school travel.

So while I see that moving "just anywhere" might not work, can't you

1. move closer to other military families?

Then you also need to, even if this is NOT going to lead to working out of the home:

1. Go out regularly to places that don't have many people
2. Go out more to places that do have people
3. Volunteer or do some regular work that involves only a small number of people and can be done rurally (e.g. conservation volunteer, walking footpaths, babysitting, cleaning, dog walking).

Ive lived in 4 military quarters and not one has been on the base.

Could you start a dog walking business they are fully booked out round here all the time

@drspouse I can from your reply that you have no experience of military living

[quote Letsallscreamatthesistene]@drspouse I can from your reply that you have no experience of military living[/quote]
Well, with a base near me, that's all I know about but if there IS a base in the vague area my question was, can they move there?

Its not a case of 'just moving'. The houses will be assigned by rank and where her husband works.

It's not abelist to suggest the OP goes to an optician for a proper assessment.
She has not categorally said an optician has told her she is not able to drive, it seems it is her belief.
So posters laying in to people trying to be helpful by saying how bad their sight is and how the right glasses or lenses have enabled them to drive, need to step back.
There not being abelist, they are trying to encourage the op with their experiences.
Many of us have suggested the op goes to opticians... I object to being told I'm abelist because I suggested she seeks professional opinion. How is that abelist

Well, with a base near me, that's all I know about but if there IS a base in the vague area my question was, can they move there?

Because a) there's not always housing on bases b) even if there is that might not be all the housing linked to that base, there may be other housing in the area (sometimes miles away) it'll depend on rank, availability and family size as to what house is allocated.

You don't get to pick a house, you can state a preference but you are assigned.

I'm assuming OP does have other MQs around her, there won't be a house by itself (unless a surplus house rented out privately at public cost) I assume she is on an MQ estate it just isn't on or next to base.

So clear a few things up my husband isn’t in the army and no we don’t live on or near a base...

The last base he was attached to had a accommodation but was single accommodation, I think army bases are most often those with family quarters.

It's not abelist to suggest the OP goes to an optician for a proper assessment.
She has not categorally said an optician has told her she is not able to drive, it seems it is her belief.
So posters laying in to people trying to be helpful by saying how bad their sight is and how the right glasses or lenses have enabled them to drive, need to step back.
There not being abelist, they are trying to encourage the op with their experiences.
Many of us have suggested the op goes to opticians... I object to being told I'm abelist because I suggested she seeks professional opinion. How is that abelist

The op has been told that she is lazy and making excuses, those are the type of comments I am reffering to

Also though:

You dont need an optician to tell you you cant drive, you need to check if you can read the number plate at the required distance

Knowing you cant read the number plate at the required distance isnt a belief its a fact.

Now if the op didnt wear glasses etc then the comments telling her to go the the opticians might be useful. But given she wears contact lenses she clearly does go to an opticians fairly regularly.

And optician corrects a prescription to the best possible vision. Do people suggesting she goes and tells the optician she wants to drive seriously think the optician will whip out a new precription and good 'ah now you can have the best one'

The op has less than perfect vision not intelligance and people invalidating her experience because theirs is different is not helpful

@averypoormummy presumably you're still living in an MQ surrounded by other MQs?

When I (v short sighted) go to the opticians they offer me different possibilities:
Different types of contact lenses
Glasses with various different options.
If they are good enough for what I currently do, and what they test for at that time, they send me away.
I am trying out a new type of contact lens which tested reasonably well at the optician's but when I came to sit in front of my computer I found they were not good enough.
Likewise my glasses are good enough for the chart in the optician's room but when I am driving in them I can tell they are not as good as my contact lenses.
I have an appointment soon and I'll be asking how to get additional specifications to sort out my computer vision, and what needs changing about my glasses.
The optician, IME, says "if you are comfy with these and can do most of the things you currently do, we'll stick with those" not "well you might want to drive/use a computer all day/read insurance small print so let's boost your prescription just in case".

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Its not a case of 'just moving'. The houses will be assigned by rank and where her husband works.

That's the answer I needed. If you aren't in this type of occupation, you won't know that, and the OP didn't say.

Hopefully the Future Accommodation Model will be rolled out in 2022 and you can move closer to a town.

This scheme will let military personnel either have married quarters, have an equivalent payment to put towards private rental or payments towards your mortgage if you decide to buy. It’s already in existence at RAF Wittering and a few other army bases.

In relation to the eyesight, I don't think anyone was trying to say that the OP can definitely drive- but simply that it's worth going to recheck these things. Contact lens types have changed, there are better ones for different issues, as well as new types of treatment (e.g. lens replacement as well as laser). The Op didn't say she was disabled through her poor sight, she said she had short-sight and contacts which sounds relatively similar to what lots of other people have (it may be she does indeed have retinal detachment or whatever). The optometrist on this post confirmed that sometimes if people like their lenses (e.g. cheap or they like that type) they might not fiddle with them to get better acuity, but they can- that's the whole point.

If the OP has been assessed and told definitively by an optometrist in the past year or two it's a no go, that's different. I have sought help for both my eyes and for teeth over the past twenty years and in both cases new solutions/technologies have come in that have made things possible that I was told weren't possible a while ago.

Of course, it's up to the OP and of course she doesn't have to learn to drive. It's about knowing there are options out there, and this one might be worth revisiting if it hasn't been for a few years.

But given she wears contact lenses she clearly does go to an opticians fairly regularly you can get contact lenses online. If the Op hasn't been out in a pandemic much, perhaps she hasn't? I also went to a specialist opticians recently for contacts and they knew more about different new types of lenses which are not available or suggested in your usual high street chains, I went to one attached to an eye clinic and it was a much more sophisticated operation than, say, Specsavers.

I'm currently doing the same, @OnwardsAndSideways1 - they are very thorough and have given me a lot of options. Haven't quite got there yet but making progress.

As a fellow long term SAHM, I just wanted to say I understand your situation. Sending positive wishes💐.

@averypoormummy

So clear a few things up my husband isn’t in the army and no we don’t live on or near a base...

The last base he was attached to had a accommodation but was single accommodation, I think army bases are most often those with family quarters.

I was about to ask when had you mentioned you were an Army wife - after all my years it still annoys me that the forces are all lumped as Army, there are subtle differences in each of the 3 forces :D

I was an RAF wife for 22 years (13 house moves!! only 1 on base) and it is so hard. The isolation can be crippling and detrimental to mental health. You can also be very far away from family and the usual support, it really is a different world.
Much like yourself, I was a SAHM for nearly 15 years and I hate to say it, but my eldest definitely started to resent the fact that I sat at home all day doing "nothing" and that we couldn't afford to give her choices for her education - bus fares to a further away college etc (she has since matured and respects OUR decision!) her siblings have benefited from my working in day trips and small holidays, she benefited from me being able to help more with school etc.

I also managed to get into rather large debt that I hid - over 10K so I HAD to change. I started small - an OU course for a few years and a starter job in a supermarket, after 6 months I was able to move jobs and again and again, after a few years of establishing skills I am now in a Career. I am lucky though as I was able to drive.

There are lots of Facebook groups for forces partners and families, you may find one that you fit in with? they are not all the same thank god! try a few out? the same with the varying charities dont forget the Forces Federations,

Have a look at online learning for something you enjoy, what are your hobbies? What do you think are your skills.

Do you think you should see a doctor for some support regarding your anxiety? you have had some lovely suggestions up thread.

Sorry for the waffle, just wanted to let you know that you really are not alone and you can do this!!

And for those who would liek to know a little more about our Armed Forces -
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/417260/Families_Federation_factsheet_armed_forces_information.pdf

@WonderfulYou

But here I am still not working, I feel such a mixture of guilt and fear and non of it helpful in giving me the push to do anything about it.

The problem is the more you think about it the more you’ll worry about it and it will feel a million times worse than it actually is.

Does your youngest do any clubs like brownies that you could help out with?

This in spades OP. I get a bit like this after an extended period off work - the longer you are off/away from something the harder it is to go back, and the more anxious I get.

Sometime you just have to take the first step - jump in - whether its a job in a shop or an online course. It will give you a sense of accomplishment, no matter how small. And onwards and upwards from there.

Thank you for all your lovely responses and messages, yesterday I phoned and asked for my NI Insurance number to be sent out (been so long nothing with it on) Done a bit of research into various online jobs, projects etc and also applied for two jobs (one very local) on a job website.

Today I must have a chat with DH about laptop and going to look more into a site called Cambly which is online tutoring that you don’t need any formal qualifications for.

I just also wanted to add to the people that were demanding to know what and why our financial situation is what it is and regards to my eyesight calling me lazy, and at one point insinuating that I was a liar.

These kind of threads are people’s lives, of course we are entitled to hold back certain details and not reveal the innermost feelings, worries and hurdles.

I can’t drive and we are fairly skint, why is nearer here or there, I was looking on ways to solve and pick myself back up.

That's great OP. I wish the Forces Sweetheart area of MN was used more as I think our circumstances are quite unique and hard to relate to. I hope it goes well, there's always loads of great advice in the work section.

Well done OP! Working from home might provide a good financial option for you, and you can work on the going out/building more life outside in your own time.

RAF wife here and I've read this thread with both 'forces and non forces' eyes because till I met my husband I'd have had no clue about how it all works either!

I too live in a tiny enclave of accommodation in the middle of nowhere with a couple of other mil houses. You get very little choice over what house you get and where it is; it is based on your entitlement (rank and number of children) and distance from the job base. This also depends on what service you are in; we are entitled to a 4 bed by rank but our neighbours have more children than us and are entitled to a 3 bed. We accepted under entitlement because we wanted to live here!

But for those unfamiliar with the bonkers system of military housing; if they don't have a house for you within the requisite distance from the job, then they have to rent you a property which again you get very little choice over. Our friends were housed in a village - think one of those houses you get on a 40mph country road! it would have been a nightmare if they couldn't drive but they would have got no say in it.

Really OP I think you have two issues - the anxiety side of things and the job side of things. I think they feed in together but I think they are also separate issues because if you were feeling totally resilient and mentally well you would still have the challenges of finding work! Some of the forces WAGs facebook groups are quite good for looking for work ideas and links, just ignore the mad people and the bitchiness, I do lol