Help me (gently!!) out of a frightening rut, need a back to work solution.

[averypoormummy]

I’m a married mum to 3 DC 14, 12 and 9 and haven’t worked since pregnant with my 1st 15 years ago...

On paper this probably looks terrible but my DH is in the forces and we have not only spent most of our DC’s lives moving around but DH has also had some sort of Deployment, course etc most years and with my youngest still in primary school it’s always felt better to have one parent always here as a constant.

DH is on a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings and have paddled for while and are now struggling financially to keep up and it’s affecting the mood and know my DH is really feeling the pressure.

The above seems so black and white and of course the solution is for me to find a job but the bleakness and weight off doing so is feels like it’s actually crushing me.

I’ve never been a social butterfly and have always preferred my own company but could happily have a coffee/glass of wine with a neighbour, bump into a friend on the school run and chat away half an hour and articulate myself at a meeting.

Since moving to our present posting however things have changed, I’ve really changed.

We are very rural and have been for the last few years (think cattle grids, a village post office and a mile long welly stomp for a loaf of bread or a doctor) my DC all get a school bus and I don’t drive and other than the dog I have no reason to leave the house, it’s left me feeling very acrophobic and I now outwardly go out my way to avoid social contact, unless at the weekend with my DH for support. A phone call or a knock at the door can trigger my anxiety and I’ve learnt all sort of tricks, timescales to avoid bumping into or speaking to people I know.

As awful as this sounds, (and looks written down) it hasn’t felt it. I love to potter, bake, go for a walk, clean, plan meals, garden etc and with a bit more socialising at the weekends with DH and with DC’s clubs etc it feels like a very lovely life until the thought of stepping outside it and into the real world which makes my heart sink!

The practicality's are not helping either, not driving, no family, having children that start school in different directions, one of which still in primary school and needs me to be there to see her off and pick her up.

My DH is not likely to deploy but he still has 24 hour duties a handful of times a month and often will come in, as he did today and say he has to work away for a week next month, I’m generally not sure how to juggle it all and on top if all not sure how receptive employers will be to my 15 year gap with no chance of getting hold of references etc.

DH and I have a great marriage but for some reason I can’t seem to talk to him about this because he feels I’m just making excuses and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest every time he brings it up (and yes I probably am hiding behind a few solvable hurdles!)

I’m not sure what I want from this post, a hand hold, a kick up the bum a really good working from home solution or maybe someone that has felt similar and found a way to get out of it, any advice would be welcomed.

What about some volunteer work to start. It has less pressure and may be a good way to build confidence. I struggle a bit with anxiety and I work in a village library. I love it, no stress and surrounded by books.

So I don’t think I’d be able to drive due to my eyesight, I’m very short sighted!

Me too. I have driving glasses. I have the ones with the reflective lense in for driving at night. Have you spoken to an optician about this?

I have agoraphobia which is fortunately now under control thanks to medication and CBT.
Trying to find a job that you can do from home, or in a small shop that no one ever comes into, is the worst possible goal for you.
You don’t need to move house or learn to drive. You need to set small achievable goals and stick to them and keep pushing the boundaries little by little. Avoidance is a symptom of anxiety and the thing that makes anxiety stronger and stronger.
You said you’ve found little ways e.g. timing things to avoid contact with people. So tomorrow take one of those things and stop doing the little way. Bump into someone and bear the discomfort.
At the weekend go to a child’s hobby ALONE. Or get your DH to drop you off and pick you up.
You have got to, got to, start doing the things you find scary. Not all at once. Just little by little.

But here I am still not working, I feel such a mixture of guilt and fear and non of it helpful in giving me the push to do anything about it.

The problem is the more you think about it the more you’ll worry about it and it will feel a million times worse than it actually is.

Does your youngest do any clubs like brownies that you could help out with?

If you enjoy cooking and baking could you not set up a small business from home doing this ?
Sell to a local shop who could pick up from you ?
The sense of achievement from this could be the confidence builder you need and even a few hundred pounds of profit a month would help .

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here from some posters op! I think you DO want to change, because you have posted here. But you are lacking confidence and possibly suffering from anxiety (judging from op title and your description of the way your heart is beating).

It all sounds really difficult. I've raised one child abroad while my DH was travelling away virtually every week pre-pandemic and I appreciate the difficulties you are facing. And part of one half of my family serve and I have encountered this sort of issue before through them.

What happens when you do challenge yourself to go out? What would happen say if you needed to fetch one of your dc from school if they were ill? I am asking this as it's a bit difficult to determine from your op whether this is a mild confidence issue or a more serious mh problem, or a bit of both?

Do you have panic attacks? If so, I really sympathise as I suffered from panic attacks years ago when I worked in a stressful London job, and I promise, it is possibly to overcome then. The worst thing to do though is to stay in your comfort zone; it's better to try and challenge yourself, gradually, every day and get some support with it.

If this is anxiety, then the first thing I would do is go and see your GP and don't minimise. Tell them you have developed some sort of anxiety disorder or agoraphobia as that is what it sounds like. They may offer you ads (for anxiety) , beta blockers (to help with the physical symptoms of anxiety) or some sort of talking therapy, or a combination of both.

And are there any forces wellbeing services/mh services where you could seek support? Maybe another forces spouse who lives nearby could accompany you when you go out while you are undergoing treatment?

Also, someone recommended a book called 'Help for your nerves' by Dr Claire Weekes (sp?) on another thread on here, which is old fashioned but meant to be very helpful.

And last but not least, please be honest with your DH! If this is a mh issue, (a) you need to take this seriously so it doesn't get worse, and (b) this sort of thing doesn't tend to happen in a vacuum, so you may need to look at your living circumstances and reassess. Your happiness and mental wellbeing matters just as much as your husband's! And, not to add more pressure, but your dc will be looking to you as to how you overcome hurdles. But please don't try and tackle this alone! Get some support!

I know it's not easy in a pandemic, but personally I would start by going out with a girlfriend for a coffee, someone you can trust and be honest with, if you are feeling anxious.

Good luck!

I think you're focusing on the WFH option as it means not dealing with your anxiety around driving and being with people.

Your world is very small, try and take baby steps to making it bigger. You might not feel the need for friends, but it sounds like you would benefit from the interaction.

There are more opportunities to work from home than you might think. if you want to earn cash quicky, you can sign up to websites like Prolific and complete surveys for £7-10 per hour. Dull but it does bring in money.

if you have more skills, there are admin / transcription jobs you can do from home. And if you are crafty / into baking etc, then you might be able to leverage that into work. Something like Etsy or Instagram?

Finally, online courses are a great way to build up your skills - Coursera and Udemy are both legit. If you have the talent & inclination to get into something like computer programming / web-design, you can work from home & get well paid for it.

You mention you are rural... but are there any homes in walking / cycling distance from you? I was thinking maybe dog walking, cleaning, babysitting could be an option to get you started.

The obvious choice would be a childminder, starting with just a couple of children of school age. You would need a car though probably. I think for most things you'll need a car. My first step would be to just book an opticians appointment and discuss laser surgery us contact lenses. Even going and discussing that would be a step in the right direction.

What is near your house in walking distance or public transport distance? Nothing at all?

As a fellow military wife I empathise but also feel frustration at your posts. Lots and lots of excuses, very little action. There is a lot of support out there for military spouses seeking work; charities, organisations, a lot of remote training recently I've noticed directly from the branches to help with CVs and the like. If you really do want to change the first step is to Google. You could also go along to the Hive, they should be able to help sign post.

Military wives have so much to offer the work place; resilience, initiative, problem solving- our lifestyle means we need to be quick on our feet and get on with it, you will have a lot to offer I assure you.

Refer yourself to your local IAPT program. Not only could some counselling help you with the heart beating out of the chest thing, but they mostly have employment advisors who can support people thinking about wanting to work. A neutral person to talk to could also help you decide what feels doable for you.

@Redlocks28

Make an appointment at the opticians ASAP. I struggle to believe that you are too short-sighted to learn to drive?! What is your prescription.

Your posts read like a list of excuses.

This.

I am incredibly short sighted (-11) and drive with contacts

To give yourself a bit of breathing space can you go through every bit of your finances and look honestly at your outgoings to make sure you're accounting for where your money is going? If you can cut back a couple of hundred a month for example by meal planning and cancelling subscriptions then it could ease your anxiety because you'll have more breathing space and it'll show dh that you're working on it but it'll give you more time. I mean.... Contacts must be costing quite a lot, i buy my glasses at Goggles4u and they have constant discount codes, i bought two really nice pairs from there for £40 all in. I can't afford contacts. Can you really afford them?

Learning to drive is going to be pretty essential. Can dh take you out to practice to cut down on the cost of learning?

If you are unable to drive. Can you cycle, moped or electric bicycle?

I'm very short sighted (-8) and drive with contacts.

What do you mean your contacts still don't let you see enough to drive? then you need to claim benefits as partially disabled. OR you're not that blind and need a new prescription and learn to drive.

Also agree with this poster: As a fellow military wife I empathise but also feel frustration at your posts. Lots and lots of excuses, very little action.

@averypoormummy

I do wear contact lenses but I don’t meet the standard of vision requirements, car number plate from 20 metres.

I’ve admitted that my confidence is hindering me but I’m not making things up!

Thanks to all for the advice on the Forces help that I can access. We lived previously somewhere with a hub but not now and I forgot about SSFA etc.

There should be a SSAFA office on your mil base, do have an initial chat with them.

They can signpost you towards the right organisations to give you advice on budgeting, counselling for MH etc.

Have you thought of volunteering? That would give you real purpose and something to do helping others - you could ask your SSAFA officer if they need volunteering help, they're always in need of help for fund raising, office admin etc (SSAFA volunteer case worker here ) They are a wonderful organisation and you wouldn't be under pressure to show up to a 9-5, and it will get you back into the working zone. Plus if you have an office there on base you wouldn't need to drive.

Hi OP. I really sympathise with the anxiety/agoraphobia difficulties. I have had this in the past myself and the lockdowns reignited that to some extent, so you are not alone.

As other posters have said, if you have really bad anxiety, learning to drive or applying for a job is probably not the best first step, because those are understandably massive things from your pov. You need to build up your tolerance to the things that make you anxious by seeking out exposure to them in a very small and controlled way and then build up from that.

So if it's being away from the home that makes you anxious, try going for a little walk each day and push the distance you go a little bit farther every day. Or if it's people that make you anxious, try doing one small encounter without your DH, practice it until it's not freaking you out anymore, and then build up from there.

I also second the suggestion to go to a GP.

Ultimately, what you're describing isn't a trivial MH issue in terms of the impact on your family life. You say you have a lovely life but in the same breath you say this is causing you real problems because you can't contribute to improving your finances and that it is affecting your relationship. I actually fear you are in quite a precarious position because if your DH is deployed it sounds like you will really struggle.

I know it is really hard but the only person who can change this is you - although you don't have to do it alone. Can you do a GP appointment this week? I think having a RL conversation with someone who will take this seriously would be really good for you. What you're experiencing is very treatable, so it is such a shame that it's causing you so much grief.

Lots of excuses - you manage to socialise with your DCs and DH and then potter around while someone else pays for you to do so. You have had some excellent advice and practical steps - hopefully you will actually take some action.

We don’t live anywhere near a base, DH’s work (the base) and I imagine MPFS, SSFA offices and hubs are a good 15 miles away...

Interestingly enough DH deployed a while back and I coped just fine, online shop delivered, school bus etc and no pressure to have to work because I definitely couldn’t have fitted that in (lockdown etc) I’ve been doing this a long time and despite my growing agoraphobia I’m a tough cookie when it comes to my kids and the fact I’m very happy with my own company...we all coped admirably!

I’m also quite surprised at the resounding advice “to just learn to drive” like I’ve said I have left a few details out to protect my identity but it isn’t an option for me and to presume that I (and all the 1,000’s of other people that also aren’t able to drive) are not doing so due to laziness, excuses etc is quite upsetting...

Thanks to those of you that offered helpful advice, I’m going to getting in touch with military organisations today and see if they can help and also like some previous OP suggested write a list, I love a list!!!

@averypoormummy

Unfortunately driving is not an option due to eyesight, I wear contact lenses but terribly short sighted.

This is pure nonsense. I'm -10 and can drive.

Interestingly enough DH deployed a while back and I coped just fine, online shop delivered, school bus etc and no pressure to have to work because I definitely couldn’t have fitted that in (lockdown etc)

My DH was deployed in the last lockdown and I home schooled 2 children whilst working full time, I could have sent them to school but it didn't feel right and I managed. Hardest deployment of my life but I got on with it because that's what we do, and plenty of my friends did similar. Of course you managed fine, most would in that situation, sounds very easy!

@hopeishere that’s good for you but like I’ve said at least 5 times, driving is not an option for me, it isn’t really that hard to understand, some people can’t!!

@user5656555 enlighten me how you worked, working from home, help with childcare? I’m glad that was was an option for you, it isn’t for many!

I’m not sure at the “most people would cope”, I know many a military wife that struggles with the deployment part, fortunately that’s always been an easier part of this life for me...

However I was replying to the previous poster who said I’d struggle of DH deployed!