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Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How do you deal with ageing?

183 replies

CaveWoman1 · 04/01/2022 17:40

I’m going to turn 40 this year (admittedly not until autumn!!) but I’m DREADING it. Coming at it from a completely emotional perspective but I’m hating getting older. Hate that I’ll no longer be able to say ‘I’m in my 30’s,” even though it’s my late 30’s.

Hated turning 30 too; the decade ones just seem so……final & depressing. BUT turning 40 is going to be nothing compared to turning 50, & turning 50 is going to be a walk in the park compared to being 60.

I HATE HATE HATE it. I’m struggling to age gracefully, I’m bloody annoyed & I don’t want a party, don’t want to see anyone, certainly don’t want to celebrate. Celebrate what exactly? That I’m another 10 years closer to death, whenever that may be? It’s fucking shit & I don’t know how people do it with a modicum of style or acceptance.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 04/01/2022 17:41

I agree. I hated turning 50 even more.
Drink more and care less is the key.

MotherNaturesSon · 04/01/2022 17:44

Compared to the alternative, it's not so bad!

I'm 37 and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Great wife, wonderful daughter, happy in my job and starting new active outdoor hobbies. As for the grey hairs and slowly appearing wrinkles.. well I earned them so I might as well own them

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 17:46

Sorry, op, but your attitude is a dreadful waste of your life. We all get older or we don't because we're dead. Life is a gift, you should be grateful for it. Ageing doesn't mean anything, it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Don't squander the time you have obsessed with something you can't change. It's so silly. Getting older is fabulous, you become so much more confident and self-assured. Embrace it.

Sarahlou63 · 04/01/2022 17:48

You could ask yourself why you are putting such a high value on youth? Realistically you're about half way through your life so you've either got a lot of time to be miserable about something you can't change or you can celebrate all the positive things that getting older brings.

BeMoreGoldfish · 04/01/2022 17:49

I just don’t understand this attitude at all - I’m 50 this year and am planning on a big party and a holiday. I’ve lost a number of friends before their 40th birthdays and that focuses the mind. We all age - railing against it won’t change it. I see every birthday as an absolute blessing - I don’t just celebrate my big birthdays, I celebrate them all! Smile

Heruka · 04/01/2022 17:49

It’s an interesting one, as I find it hard to relate to how you feel and wonder what factors influence it. I’ve always felt around the age I am and see it all as part of life. I do love birthdays and the chance for a fuss of myself, so big birthdays are good for that. But ageing is just what happens! Of course I look in the mirror and wince sometimes, but I find it hard to imagine getting so upset about it. Sorry that probably doesn’t help. I probably find it hard to accept other things that you breeze through Grin

AnotherMansCause · 04/01/2022 17:52

Look at it this way. Wrinkles, grey hair etc... are the tax you pay for managing to stay alive this long.

Or, buy loads of good quality SPF from Japan, South Korea etc, modern 1st world countries where they rate pale skin highly but where the weather is very hot in the summer. (I do this. I look dreadful with a tan, my natural pigment isn't very even so it comes out all blotchy like someone has done a bad spray job on me!)

Interrobanger · 04/01/2022 17:53

I don’t want to sound like a preachy dickhead, but I lost three really close friends in a car crash in the second year of uni and honestly, if I ever catch myself moaning about getting older, I just think about those guys and their lost futures and all that lost potential and I realise that getting older is such a gift. How could I possibly begrudge it?

Also, I had no idea how to dress for my body shape, how to do makeup properly or what hairstyle suited me when I was younger. I genuinely believe that at 42 years old I look the best now that I’ve ever looked 💅🏻

mbosnz · 04/01/2022 17:53

Well, I turned 50 this year. I felt no different at 49 years, 364 days, than I did at 50 years to the day. I feel no different at 50 years and 18 days than I did at 49 years and 18 days. . .

I have relatively good health, all my faculties, my family are here, I have the wherewithal to enjoy life. When I get to the point in life that I am not so blessed as to be able to say that, I don't want to look back at the time that I did, and have wasted this time whinging and worrying about (the inevitable) getting older!

HerRoyalNotness · 04/01/2022 17:55

I stopped caring and I don’t look in the mirror to often. In my head I’m still in my 20s and I’m incredulous that I’m not and I’m the mum of a teenager.

As a PP said I often think and say, it’s better than the alternative!

BonnyEm · 04/01/2022 17:56

I've lost too many people close to me, way before their time.
Aging is a privilege denied to many.

minipie · 04/01/2022 17:58

Gosh OP

I am 41 and didn’t find turning 40 a problem at all. Or 30.

I think I will be a bit sad once I get to the age that things start going wrong with my health and body … not sure when that is, maybe 70s judging from my parents.

But I can’t really see why 40 would be depressing? You can do pretty much anything in your 40s that you could do in your 30s! The one exception is having babies, is this on your mind?

Or are you looks obsessed and regard any tiny line or sag as a major problem?

Kipperandarthur · 04/01/2022 17:59

There’s nothing you can do about it is there?

Yes I felt the same at 30, 40 and 50. Believe me I’m not looking forward to the next one.

But considering what the alternative is one has to be gracious and grateful. I know of people who died in their 30s and 40s.

Babamamananarama · 04/01/2022 18:04

I had very aggressive cancer this year which fortunately I'm now in remission for.
How did it feel turning 42? Better than not turning 42 (because you have died and left your children motherless).
Ageing really is a privilege. Focus your attention on shutting out the noise about 'stopping/reversing the signs of ageing' rather than on trying to stop the passage of time, which is fruitless. And enjoy having a healthy body while you have one.

Wagsandclaws · 04/01/2022 18:04

I'm 50 in three weeks.

There is a lady who used to post on here who was in my feb mn antenatal group - she died a few years ago of cancer.

Not much warning either - she'd got rid of her shitty husband and had a nice boyfriend, just paid off her mortgage mid 40's and left two young children. I think of her a lot - she was lovely and didn't deserve that ( no more than anyone else does )

I thank god every day that I'm alive for my young children and my numerous blessings ... for however long I have them.

I remember turning 40, I had a party and little did I know that 4 months later I would be pg with ds.

You just don't know what's around the corner, or how lucky you are to be tuning 40.

I lost 6 stone in my late 40's like the poster upthread I think I now at 50 look the best I've ever looked.

I've had a Bit of help from tweakments and a neck lift because I didn't want a turkey neck ( which losing a ton of weight in your 40's will give you ).

Life is bloody amazing and such a gift, you just have to make the most of every. Single. Day!

Avarua · 04/01/2022 18:04

You are LUCKY to be alive.
Find something every year to challenge you, something to look forward to and something to give to (doesn't have to be the same thing).

HugeAckmansWife · 04/01/2022 18:05

sorry but I'm going to agree with everyone else. I really don't get where you're coming from. Its just day following day. Its literally the most inevitable thing so why on Earth would you make it into this doom laden negative-fest? Each stage of life, whether that's age related or married / divorced / parenting / retired etc has its own plus and minus points. Its much more about are you where you want to be and if not, what are you doing about it? I hate articles about celebs and how "good" they look for their age if by "good" they mean "unrealistically young". I think Dame Maggie Smith looks brilliant, and Judi Dench. They look their age but they are well groomed, sparky and engaged.

Bluebluemoon · 04/01/2022 18:05

You manage it by telling yourself you're being daft and looking on the positives. As pp's have already said - you need to look on it as a privilege. Many don't make it to a decent age.

I think those who place more value on looks often find it harder, especially in this day and age of so much value being placed on how young you look. Also the distorted reality of seeing everyone in the public eye botoxed and face-lifted to the max.

Do I wish I could stay looking as good as I did at 30? Of course! But I also love how confident I am in my forties, how much more knowledgable I am and also how much more comfortable financially I am. I love that my dc's are at an age where I'm not being run ragged and dh and I can take more trips alone together. I'm a lot less stressed than I was when I was in my 20's and 30's.
I think about people like Sarah Harding and the local woman who has terminal cancer at 40 and I just think I'm incredibly lucky.

My New Years resolution to myself is to try to be thankful for each day I'm alive and healthy because you never know what's around the corner.

SerenTarot · 04/01/2022 18:06

Imagine a world where no-one aged and we all stayed the same. How would that work? You pick an age you want to stay at?

The beauty of living long enough to age is that you get to be every kind of person. The baby, the toddler, the child, the teenager, the young person, the parent perhaps, the middle aged person, the older person, the grandparent perhaps, and the elderly person ... with a long, interesting and eventful life behind you hopefully.

The alternative to that is that you die during one of those stages. You die as a child or a young adult or in middle age .... because from the moment you are born the only thing that can stop you ageing is death.

To rail against it is such a terrible and pointless waste of energy. It is as inevitable as the world turning.

Instead why not celebrate it? You've made another year, another decade, you've done more things, been to more places, met more people, had more experiences.

There is nothing to stop you being your best self at any age. At sixty you are never going to look like you did when you were thirty, but there's nothing to stop you being a fabulous sixty year old. Keep yourself fit, eat well, take care of the body you live in and cherish every day.

One of the best benefits of ageing I have found is that with every passing year you give less shits. I don't mean literally Grin but rather you don't give a shit about the things that used to bother you. And post-menopausally (as I am!), you really don't give a shit. It's so liberating, and even exhilarating, not to care what people think of you, not to be crippled with self-doubt and insecurities. You say what you think and you mean what you say .... and it's bloody marvellous.

I'm so much more secure and happy in myself than I was when I was younger and lots of older people will tell you the same. And I was someone who cried when I turned 30!

IncompleteSenten · 04/01/2022 18:08

I guess you deal with it by staying as healthy as possible and remembering the alternative is dying young.

I'm 48 and have heart failure. If I get old, I'll be really bloody happy 😁

We live in a youth worship culture which is a big problem.

BeLessMe · 04/01/2022 18:13

I loved turning 30. I thought people might finally treat me like an adult at work instead of a youngster.
Hated 40 because I’d had years of IVF and the realisation hit that there would be no more attempts.
Now approaching 50 and I don’t mind the number at all - I just hate what I see when I look in the mirror. It’s always such a shock that I look this age now.

KittyRedSocks · 04/01/2022 18:15

I've had this weird thing in the last, say, 3-4 years. I look at young people & sort of, feel sorry for them. All that growing & pain & experience they have to come & how all- consuming it feels to be young sometimes. Ageing & a bit of wisdom is the best thing that ever happened to me. Now 40+

RampantIvy · 04/01/2022 18:16

Sorry, op, but your attitude is a dreadful waste of your life.

I agree. I'm 63 and still feel like I am in the prime of life. You are only as old as you feel.

I am old enough to be your mother, yet embrace whatever age I am

I hate saying this, but you really need to get a grip.

Squills · 04/01/2022 18:16

Think yourself lucky that you are alive!

Many people don’t get the chance to live anything like a full lifespan.

gunnersgold · 04/01/2022 18:17

Ageing is a privilege! Just look after you skin and body and be the best version of 40 you can be !