Absolutely Bloody Furious

[Hadalifeonce]

DD went out with some friends last night, one of them staying with us. DD arrived home about 2:30am; no friend! Apparently she refused to come back with DD. I asked what friend was planning, DD had no idea, friend was not responding to any communication, she was with another friend so DD was communicating with 2nd friend. Then 1st friend disappeared so 2nd friend had no idea, 1st friend was off radar. I waited up til 4, DD came down saying still no contact. So we both went to bed. I lay awake, worried about this friend wondering what the hell she might do.
5am I hear DD go down and out the front door, Friend had got a taxi back but didn't know our address so the taxi driver got hold of her phone, found DD's name and called to get address.

I was woken about 8:30 by a strange smell. Came down to the kitchen, oven on, dozen or so charred fish fingers on the hob, couple of burnt fishcakes, an open tin of beans, various other jars opened and smeared on work surfaces; crap all over the floor. In the oven was a melted plastic lump embedded in the shelf, obviously a meal from the freezer put in the oven. DH has just found the fish finger pack, and remaining ones in the pantry.

When they surfaced, DD knew nothing of this, friend was just laughing saying she didn't remember anything, not just the food, but from about midnight.
DH stopped me going into the kitchen because I was so angry. DD and friend cleared up most of it, but friend's lift was waiting..... She left our house without saying a word to us.

DD was in tears, I have told DD that friend us no longer welcome in our house, and she needs to pay for the oven shelf she has ruined.

DD is really pissed off too, and has asked me not to do anything until she has communicated with her. We have known the family for about 8 years and I wanted to contact friend's mum to tell her what her daughter has done, as she is a student, I expect her parents will end up having to pay for my new oven shelf.

Crap start to the new year! Sorry it's long, but I cannot fully describe the total mess and blatant waste of food.

It's all very annoying, but I would have viewed the whole scenario , as the young going out on a bender, getting drunk, going some place after, and making a mess up all over the place,and not even remembering what they did after being so inebriated. The girl will feel bad about what happened in the morning. I would not be phoning her parents, or asking her to pay for an oven shelf. maybe give her the oven shelf to scrub and clean , to get it all shiny again.

Sorry but her conditions doesn't mean she doesn't know right from wrong.
I'd be contacting her parents immediately.

For me it's the fact she didn't apologise and posted about it on social media.

If she'd come to me and said look I'm really embarrassed but I'm so sorry, I did this when I was drunk, here is some money towards the wasted food, I'll clear it up - then I'd write it off. It's how she's behaved afterwards that's the issue for me.

@Hadalifeonce

I have asked MN to delete this thread, as I realised I was giving out too much information about friend. Just because I have a double oven and a fridge in the garage doesn't mean I am loaded. My initial fury had lessoned somewhat, but the disrespect shown is still pretty bad. Mixing meds an alcohol is not a good idea, especially the type friend is on. DD has said she is going to contact me, so will await that contact. Hopefully, if she is still struggling, she is continuing to get help.

All the best, although for the next sleepover, would a lock or safety devices on the kitchen doors and cubboards ect be helpful to prevent a similar situation ?

I think you need to tell her parents

• so drunk couldnt get address where staying
• shouldnt be cooking drunk - if shes at halls she could burn it down.
• you dont take food in someone's house
• disappearing off without the person you are staying with so they have to get up when you get back

It does seem very look at me.
Plus completely inappropriate to joke about nearly burning someone elses house down on SM (burnt some fish fingers!)

Funny how these young people are adults and not children. On other threads anyone under 25 is not deemed to be an adult

Before you go op I used to work with young people this age in an educational setting and the stupid things they did when drunk were really concerning, including getting into fights, making a huge mess, pinching/borrowing items from college premises, throwing up inside people’s houses. It was carnage. Many are sensible at this age, but a small minority really aren’t

Have a missed posters expressing surprise that this teenage girl was completely unaccounted for in early hours of the morning

And the op and her dad went to bed!

I would have been on phone to parents and police

Mum of teens the same age here. Move on. Mine didn't go away to uni (one stayed living at home and one is working) but the stories I've heard of the ones at uni....this is really nothing tbh.
I wouldn't want it in my house and wouldn't want mine to behave in such a way but I think the best thing to do is move on. The OP has said the friend isn't welcome anymore - I think this is not unreasonable, although I would probably caveat it with - not welcome if she's been out drinking first but otherwise ok to come round.

@TheWeeDonkey

I would be furious too. Sounds like your daughter's first resolution for 2023 should be to pick better friends.

And I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. I don't know how many PPs would be happy to have to wait up trying to find out what happened to your DDs errant friend only for her to turn up hours later, destroy your kitchen, waste good food and then fuck off without so much as a Happy New Year.

Should she just keep the awful friends until then do you think? It's quite a long time- lots of fish fingers could be waster and oven shelves destroyed. Or should she act sooner? My motto would be 'the sooner the better' in these circumstances. 😉

So if the OP had posted here that she and her child had spent the night in hospital after the DD had a friend to stay who put a load of food in the oven and had caused a house fire where they had all sustained smoke inhalation and say, the dog had died, would posters be saying that the girl in question was just being a normal teen.

The only reason why people are reacting the way they are here is because something serious didn’t happen, while at the same time overlooking the fact that it very easily could have. The OP was in fact lucky in this instance that it wasn’t more serious but hey, give the girl a break eh?

And the fact she’s on medication is no excuse. The leaflets in side medications are very specific about if you can’t drink, she will absolutely have known this, and no, wanting a drink on NY isn’t a reason to not bother heeding the warnings on the meds box.

And the girl in question wasn’t the OP’s responsibility. She was going to stay there but didn’t. How is the OP responsible for that exactly?

Interesting isn’t it that when an 18/19 year old goes out and gets smashed and goes back and rashes someone’s house the poor darling is only a child and can’t possibly be blamed because it’s just what teenagers do, yet a 16 year old wants to have sex with their partner and the parents object and suddenly they’re old enough to have sex and to consent, and potentially even to have a baby and bring it up. Double standards much?

@skybluee

For me it's the fact she didn't apologise and posted about it on social media.

If she'd come to me and said look I'm really embarrassed but I'm so sorry, I did this when I was drunk, here is some money towards the wasted food, I'll clear it up - then I'd write it off. It's how she's behaved afterwards that's the issue for me.

Exactly,

I would work out how much it all cost, including damage to the oven shelf, and then write her a nice letter. Ask her if she was aware how much damage she caused and give her x days to make arrangements to pay for it.
Send it recorded post (signed-for).
If no reply, then write and tell her she'll be taken to the Small Claims Court - then follow through - that should put the fear of God in her.

If she still doesn't make any attempt to pay (and don't forget you have her admission on FB that she 'burnt some fish-fingers') or doesn't show up then she'll have a CCJ on her records.

She's an adult, so treat her like one.

@Excitedforthefuture

Have a missed posters expressing surprise that this teenage girl was completely unaccounted for in early hours of the morning

And the op and her dad went to bed!

I would have been on phone to parents and police

This is when I lost all empathy for the OP, in her first post. Wants to call the parents when she sees her kitchen in a state, but not when the girl was missing in the middle of the night. The girl was out of order, and should apologise or course, but I can't get over going to bed knowing the girl couldn't be found in the middle of the night.

@TueWed

DD and friend need to pay for the damaged food and the shelf.

No way does the DD need to pay. Why on Earth do you think that is fair?.

"This is when I lost all empathy for the OP, in her first post. Wants to call the parents when she sees her kitchen in a state, but not when the girl was missing in the middle of the night. The girl was out of order, and should apologise or course, but I can't get over going to bed knowing the girl couldn't be found in the middle of the night."

She is not a girl she's an adult

"Apparently she refused to come back with DD"

^ who made a decision not to return with DD. DD is not responsible for her, and neither is the OP.

Why are people normalising this behaviour?
Drinking culture in this country really is tragically toxic...

@almay8830
I am baffled that it’s not been picked up on.

The Op, and the DD went to bed when this teen girl was out, and not able to be contacted.

I would have been be side myself

They could have killed you all

My dd is 18 & I'd be absolutely bloody mortified if she behaved like this in someone else's home & would definitely want to know
Anyone saying she's a 'grown woman' is having a laugh right? Or if you're actually serious then you don't have teenagers of that age.
Absolutely entitled & dreadful behaviour & I couldn't give a monkeys if it's because of medication, booze or anything else.
Poor OP & her daughter, obviously some of us just aren't 'cool' enough to laugh it off & thank fuck for that. Proves some of us still have standards.

@Hadalifeonce

DD has only just found out herself about previous occurrences, although this one is the worst, so has no problem with ending this friendship. I am still considering telling her parents, as this is bizarre behaviour, even when drunk, so much food. There must be something else going on.

How long have they been friends?

@CheshireKitten123

"This is when I lost all empathy for the OP, in her first post. Wants to call the parents when she sees her kitchen in a state, but not when the girl was missing in the middle of the night. The girl was out of order, and should apologise or course, but I can't get over going to bed knowing the girl couldn't be found in the middle of the night."

She is not a girl she's an adult

"Apparently she refused to come back with DD"

^ who made a decision not to return with DD. DD is not responsible for her, and neither is the OP.

You don’t have teens do you?

Or even children?

I think with the passage of time you’re forgetting what it’s like to be 18

Although, very much dependent on childhood and parenting.

At 18, I was a child. I’d had a wonderful childhood, and that did mean a fair bit of molly coddling! Exactly what I’m hoping to achieve with mine.

And now I’m a professional, entirely independent single mother. So didn’t do me any harm to have a pretty indulged childhood by so many on mumsnet standards!

[quote Excitedforthefuture]@almay8830
I am baffled that it’s not been picked up on.

The Op, and the DD went to bed when this teen girl was out, and not able to be contacted.

I would have been be side myself[/quote]
Exactly... but yet we are supposed to label her an "adult" at the grand old age of 18, despite plenty of parents on this thread proving otherwise by claiming they'd "want to know if it were their own" or that they'd "ring the parents". Unbelievable. I do agree the girl/ fully grown woman (!?!) was out of order, but the OP needs to get her priorities in check, as I don't believe for a second if her own daughter had got drunk and wandered off that she would be happy for parents that knew about it to go to bed knowingly. Anyway.

And the fact that the DD went to bed knowing her friend was out, uncontactable, in the early hours of the morning…. Well, i think I’d be more upset about this than anything else!

Hard to believe all the vitriol aimed at the OP on here by so many MNers simply because you don't agree with her. Go back to your playground.