Absolutely Bloody Furious

[Hadalifeonce]

DD went out with some friends last night, one of them staying with us. DD arrived home about 2:30am; no friend! Apparently she refused to come back with DD. I asked what friend was planning, DD had no idea, friend was not responding to any communication, she was with another friend so DD was communicating with 2nd friend. Then 1st friend disappeared so 2nd friend had no idea, 1st friend was off radar. I waited up til 4, DD came down saying still no contact. So we both went to bed. I lay awake, worried about this friend wondering what the hell she might do.
5am I hear DD go down and out the front door, Friend had got a taxi back but didn't know our address so the taxi driver got hold of her phone, found DD's name and called to get address.

I was woken about 8:30 by a strange smell. Came down to the kitchen, oven on, dozen or so charred fish fingers on the hob, couple of burnt fishcakes, an open tin of beans, various other jars opened and smeared on work surfaces; crap all over the floor. In the oven was a melted plastic lump embedded in the shelf, obviously a meal from the freezer put in the oven. DH has just found the fish finger pack, and remaining ones in the pantry.

When they surfaced, DD knew nothing of this, friend was just laughing saying she didn't remember anything, not just the food, but from about midnight.
DH stopped me going into the kitchen because I was so angry. DD and friend cleared up most of it, but friend's lift was waiting..... She left our house without saying a word to us.

DD was in tears, I have told DD that friend us no longer welcome in our house, and she needs to pay for the oven shelf she has ruined.

DD is really pissed off too, and has asked me not to do anything until she has communicated with her. We have known the family for about 8 years and I wanted to contact friend's mum to tell her what her daughter has done, as she is a student, I expect her parents will end up having to pay for my new oven shelf.

Crap start to the new year! Sorry it's long, but I cannot fully describe the total mess and blatant waste of food.

@Excitedforthefuture

I do blame the girl for the appalling disrespect

But for me and some others
As mothers
I could not go to bed at 3am knowing that an 18 year old female who was meant to be staying at my home was still out, not responding to contact and no one knew she was.

You see it as overprotective
I see it as me looking out for a girl / young adult at a very late time of night
And I’d hope another mother would do the same. Or indeed a human being.

But you stuck yourself up in bed and not get it another thought. Fair enough

But how is that the fault of OP and the daughter. If the woman decided not to go home with her, what else could she do? OP and her Mum even stayed up until 4am and tried making contact. Honestly, what else would you have done?

I'd tell the parents. As if that was my child I'd want to know. I'd be seething

um... I'm not saying what others 'should' do.
Personally I would not be very upset about it.
it's only food waste -- people routinely waste more (i feel pain watching that, but I know it's routine for many so I assume I'm unusual).
The rest is fixable. Nothing terrible truly happened.

I think my threshold to be upset or worried is a lot higher than what OP described.
i might be reluctant to let her come back to visit, tbf, but I wouldn't waste my energy on being furious.
I hope that OP feels calmer now & the girl has less chaos in her life soon.

I didn’t say it was her fault!!!!

I’m saying I and many other parents would have responded differently

You would have gone to bed without another though. Fair enough

So they stayed up until 4
No contact
Went to bed

At that point I would have contacted her parents. Then!!!

[quote SpongeBobJudgeyPants]@yabadabadontdoit Tis the Woman code. "No woman left behind".[/quote]
This is what every parent needs to teach their daughters. And sons.

@Excitedforthefuture

You are more determined to make the post the fault of the OP.
You are minimising the disrespect and focusing on something else.
You are clearly nit-picking everything too which I find most bizarre.

@Excitedforthefuture

I dont see 18 years old as an adult So yes I would contact the parents about the appalling disrespect AND in the early hours

But you think she’s an adult at 4am
But now when she messes up the kitchen

She's 18 no wonder some kids struggle they need to be allowed to be adults . She's not killed anyone and should be more than capable of dealing with what she's done if she's confronted about it .

Some people need to realise there kids grow up and are responsible for there own shit . Let go of the apron string they do there children no favours by treating them like kids when there grown adults .

At 2.30am
DD walks in without friend
Friend refusing to come back. Very drunk

At that point I would have ring parents and said “just a heads up, your DD was meant to be staying here but hasn’t come back. She’l was still with a friend but has apparently fallen off the radar. I’m wondering whether you have any thoughts about next steps as I’m a little concerned”

@Excitedforthefuture

HeyUpits2022
I would be furious too OP.

We had "friends" who acted disgracefully at our wedding and when they were asked to apologise by other friends, said they couldn't remember what they had done so had nothing to apologise for.

Your DDs friend is aware of what she's done, and owes you all an apology. I also agree that if she's on medication then she should be aware of the effect alcohol consumption would have on her.

These friends

18 year olds?

No, but why does it matter? If you're getting drunk at 18, 28, 48, 108 and you behave appallingly, poor behaviour is poor behaviour.

She made a right old mess of someone else's home, and should be adult enough to apologise.

[quote Lady089]@Excitedforthefuture

You are more determined to make the post the fault of the OP.
You are minimising the disrespect and focusing on something else.
You are clearly nit-picking everything too which I find most bizarre.[/quote]
The OP is NOT at fault

However I would have responded differently to an 18 year old female not responding to messages and no one knows where she is at 4am on NYE

Id have been worried if it was my daughter, my son, my friend or a friend of one of my children who was meant to be staying over that night

The kitchen is appalling behaviour and there should be consequences

My issue from the outset is I could not comprehend going to bed at 4am knowing that no one knows where this girl is and she’s been meant to stay at mine

@Hadalifeonce
I had a similar situation a couple
Of years ago with 19 yr old friend of ds.

Sat up waiting as he had disappeared from taxi rank and ds was trying to locate him.

Managed to get him a taxi that I booked and paid for over the phone to get bak to ours as his parents were away for new year.

Anyway basically he threw up all over the spare bedroom and I had to throw it all away as well as duvet and pillows.
He also put my grill in but with nothing under it and ds went down to kitchen early hours as he heard him.

He crept out at 9 am not even apologising or stripping the bed. I was livid

I contacted his parents and told them what had happened with the cost of new bedding and the cab politely but directly.

They apologised profusely and transferred the money and their son called with a half hearted apology.

He was banned from coming to my house to stay after nights out ever again n

@Excitedforthefuture

At 2.30am DD walks in without friend Friend refusing to come back. Very drunk

At that point I would have ring parents and said “just a heads up, your DD was meant to be staying here but hasn’t come back. She’l was still with a friend but has apparently fallen off the radar. I’m wondering whether you have any thoughts about next steps as I’m a little concerned”

What if you had been on a night shift or you was asleep?

My parents never stayed up when I was on a night out, it was take your key, see you in the morning and I imagine this is how it is for most 18 year olds.
My parents didn’t wait up for me and my friend to arrive home and why should they?

OP if your dd was supposed to be staying at her friends house and her friend went home without her, she didn’t know friends address and nobody knew where she was, how would you have reacted?

The idea of parents waiting up for adult children to get home/phoning parents to tell them what their adult child had done is so totally alien to me.

We just took our key and that was that. Do people honestly wait up until the early morning for children to get home?

The only thing that may have concerned me would have been the friend being missing. The rest is annoying but not that terrible.

Friend got too drunk and was prat, really don't get the reactions here.

@Blackopal

The idea of parents waiting up for adult children to get home/phoning parents to tell them what their adult child had done is so totally alien to me.

We just took our key and that was that. Do people honestly wait up until the early morning for children to get home?

The only thing that may have concerned me would have been the friend being missing. The rest is annoying but not that terrible.

Friend got too drunk and was prat, really don't get the reactions here.

Agree. I sometimes wake up when they “creep” in noisily. It’s often next morning that I find out a friend is with them though unless the giggling is loud. If I wake and they’re not home ( light is still on) after 5am I might message them but mine know to message me if they’re not coming home and I’ll see that message.

@Blackopal

The idea of parents waiting up for adult children to get home/phoning parents to tell them what their adult child had done is so totally alien to me.

We just took our key and that was that. Do people honestly wait up until the early morning for children to get home?

The only thing that may have concerned me would have been the friend being missing. The rest is annoying but not that terrible.

Friend got too drunk and was prat, really don't get the reactions here.

I was rather thinking this. My DC take a key and I tell them to be quiet when they come home. I did worry a bit when PFB started going out at night, but with the others, I have just enjoyed having a quiet night on my own. The 17 yo does text if they are not coming home at all, though I sometimes don't see it until the morning if it comes when I'm asleep.

I would worry if DD was trying to get home on her own. Of course I would. We are rural, and taxis are even rarer than hen's teeth round here since most of the taxis drivers went over to Uber, who don't operate this far out of town.

If she goes out she gets the last train back or I have to pick her up. DH walks to the station to meet her. Obviously if she is out with friends and they come back together I wouldn't worry.

I think posters who don't understand why parents would worry don't have teenage daughters.

Oh, and if my DD had behaved like the missing friend I would want to know. Just because we have adult children does't mean we stop worrying about them or being embarrassed if they behave this badly.

Quick update, friend has sent a lengthy apology, has also told her parents and offered to pay for damage.

For those asking about going to bed, I was in bed but awake until friend arrived at 5am. I wouldn't call her parents at that time in the morning. Had I not been drinking, I would have been in my car looking for her, as although I am not her mother and technically she is an adult, I feel a responsibility to anyone staying in my house.
DD did not abandon anyone, friend was with another friend when DD tried to get her to come home.
I have responded to friend and among other things, pointing out the dangers of drinking until you have no idea, possible alcohol poisoning, collapsing in the open somewhere, we have a river where they were.
I am hoping that if she still has problems, this will have been a wake up call for her to get some more help, if she's currently not.
I won't be updating anymore, thanks for all your comments etc. last night will be the most memorable NYE I've had for a long time.

Sounds good the girl realised what a poor houseguest she'd been.

Thank you for the update. I'm sorry that you have had some unhelpful responses on this thread. Like you I feel responsible for people staying in my house no matter how old they are.

Early night tonight.

that is good and at least grown up of her op

Case of the munchies. If you have the parents contact t details, text and tell all enclosing pi of the oven.

Please read the OP's update @Deathraystare