I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

[ily0x]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

Hello love.
This happened to me when I was working at a family business way back in 2009. Exact same scenario. My boss has also a big family man with three young children.

I did not go to the police and I would not if it happened to me now.
I couldn't pack my job in didn't tell a soul. I didn't understand WTH happened - it was over and done in a couple of minutes.

I know exactly how you feel. One problem is that no-one in your real life knows the full truth except you and the boss.
I have no practical advice to give, except remember one thing - its not anything you did. Monsters walk among us.
People will be along to advise you - I just wanted to say - I'm thinking of you xxx

You must be so strong to keep working under these circumstances

Thank you, I’m not but it’s because I have absolutely no choice, if my partner still had his job I would have left straight away.

I’m lucky in the sense that he’s barely in the office for more than an hour a day because his Dad owns the place and he gets away with doing next to no work. If I was with him 9-5 I would have a breakdown.

Gossip helps.

"Are you in tomorrow?"
"no because X is in and we all know what he does......"

"Are you working with X tomorrow?"
"No, I will never work with him again"

Wont get him convicted but will help to make sure that there isnt another victim.

@ily0x you don't have to listen to all the posters telling you what you must do. You were very brave writing it down here and that's a huge step forward.

I believe you.

If you wanted to make another step and call the rape crisis advise line or the one mentioned above for workplace SA, that would be a good step forward. I hope they wouldn't pressure you to report either, but would help you with counselling to deal with how you're feeling. This isn't your fault and the other posters here who are being anything less than kind and gentle right now need to rethink their words.

I'm sorry you've been through that OP. I have no experience of this and there are other more experienced posters on this thread. What I wanted to add though is that I don't think you are the first person he's raped. You may find that if you go to the police and/or the owner of the company, that he has history and your report will add weight to an ongoing case. It might not just be your word against his and there may already be a recorded pattern of behaviour there.

Maybe there's a previous employee who had a sexual harassment or sexual assault case paid off. Or maybe if other women/employees hear what he's done, and he raped them too, your actions may give them the courage to stand with you and build a stronger case against him. It only takes one person to start a domino effect.

Overall, he's used his position of power expecting you to do nothing about it and to get away with it, most likely again. I don't doubt it would be very difficult, and require incredible courage, but if you are able to find it within you to face doing it, imagine how shocked he'd be if you and possibly others took him down.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

Could you talk to the GP and get signed off on paid stress leave, or similar? It's ludicrous that you need to still work with this piece of shit.

I would be so tempted to tell his family. It's all he deserves.

Personally, I would keep my head down and get out of there as fast as possible in case he attacks you again.

Yes I am, I’m never normally alone with him or the last one at work, that’s the only time in my entire time at the company I’ve been alone with him which makes me think he’d have done this sooner if he had the opportunity. When he kissed me the first time I genuinely think he thought I’d reciprocate, and when I didn’t and pushed him off that’s when he got angry and violent.

It breaks my heart that it's like this, but the fact is, most people don't react well to rape disclosures, whether they be randoms on the internet or "professionals".

Honestly I expected it and as much as it’s tough to hear I understand people telling me to report as he’s clearly a dangerous man but it’s not that easy.

Oh goodness what an horrific experience.

You really need to talk to someone about this. I would start with your GP who can sign you off work. You can report to the police at any time, the fact it's been a month is not important. Someone very close to me went to the police 20 years after her boss sexually assaulted her. She found out he was doing it to other employees and her report ensured it got to court. So don't worry about the time. Also the police may not have enough to take it further but it would be on record. Just something to bear in mind. They will believe you.

All of that said it your decision and yours alone and you have to focus on doing what's right for you right now.

Rape crisis is a good starting point. And telling a real life friend too.

But do get signed off and take some time.

I think it is extremely likely that you are not the first woman he has raped OP.
I agree with talking to rape crisis. If , as you mention, you think it is possible to have this on file with the police in case it happens again, but for you to go no further than that if you don’t want to, then that seems the thing to do.
Do you have any female friends in work ?
I am so sorry he did this, and very much hope he faces justice at some point.

So sorry. What a horrible man, this isn’t his first time. I bet he has assaulted other women who still work there or have left. Why did the previous person leave? You are very brave.

OP, Have you worked there long? Do you know the big boss - the father? Does he know and like you - is it that kind of tiny set-up?

Could you talk to the GP and get signed off on paid stress leave, or similar? It's ludicrous that you need to still work with this piece of shit.

I know. It’s SSP so it’s the bare minimum. I want to but I’m worried it’ll effect things when it comes to me looking for a new job if I have loads of time off.

I would be so tempted to tell his family. It's all he deserves

I actually know his wife she works part time here one day a week, she’s really friendly to me it’s so awkward. She was talking to me in our kitchen at work and he walked in on us talking, he just burst in thinking I was going to say something to her. I hate my life.

He may be the boss. You have the truth on your side... Ring the police and report him. My exh raped me 2 weeks pp. Wish I had had the guts to report.. It will change your life - and future - for the better op. You won't be a victim. You will be the feisty fucker who brought him down.

OP, Have you worked there long? Do you know the big boss - the father? Does he know and like you - is it that kind of tiny set-up?

I’ve worked there over a year. I’ve only met the owner a few times as he’s retired so he doesn’t work there at all. He still owns the company but doesn’t do any work.

Yes you should tell the police.

Hope you get better soon OP
Hugs*

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP
Please speak to someone at victim support and also discuss with your doctor. I'm sure they will signpost and document your experiences, which you may wish to rely on later down the line.
You are not silly for reporting straightaway OP. So many women don't report or if they do report they report years down the line.

OP, I am sickened by what has happened to you.

I support the many suggestions that you contact rape crisis support centre. They help you work out with you what can/cannot be done about what has happened to you & support you as you make your own decisions,

There is no right way for you do to things.

Also please go talk to your GP, tell them everything that has happened to you & get signed off. For your own wellbeing, you cannot live with the trauma of seeing the rapist everyday at work. Staying put there will impact your mental health for the longer term. Ideally you will have a face to face appointment, book a double appointment & should the receptionist ask what the appointment is for, say it is about your mental health.

I agree with talking to rape crisis. If , as you mention, you think it is possible to have this on file with the police in case it happens again, but for you to go no further than that if you don’t want to, then that seems the thing to do.

Yes I will speak to them

Do you have any female friends in work ?

Not anyone I’d feel comfortable enough talking to about this with. It’s mostly male staff and the women who do work there are close to him as they’ve been there for ages.

Hi OP,
I was raped when I was 18. I'm in my 30's now so it was a while ago but I didn't report it either. It goes against everything I believe and I even went on to support vulnerable women and work in the justice system. I know how hard it is to report it. It's not like reporting a stolen car is it.
I do encourage you to report it but equally I don't think you should be pressured into it.
When it happened to me I decided to repress it immediately. I can still remember going home and sitting on my bed and saying to myself "this didnt happen to me, it was just something I saw on tv"
Again, this is against everything I believed in but at the time it helped me.
In more recent years I've had therapy and hypnotherapy- both have really helped me, and if I can give you one piece of advice- that's what it would be. Don't push this away, don't repress it like I did. when you feel ready, seek some talking therapy because it will always be somewhere in your head and you deserve to feel better.
I do think working alongside him is an awful situation and really isn't going to help you but I understand the position you are in. However I think it is damaging to your mental health and I think you need to put that before finances. And yes, I know that's not straightforward and easy to do.
I think you need to get signed off sick by your doctor. Even if it's just statutory sick pay, it is going to give you a little time to look for a job. I think at this point any job is going to be better than being faced with him every day, even if it's not something you want to do long term.
Please please think of yourself and your mental health.

‘ I actually know his wife she works part time here one day a week, she’s really friendly to me it’s so awkward. She was talking to me in our kitchen at work and he walked in on us talking, he just burst in thinking I was going to say something to her. I hate my life.’

WTF!
Words fail me…his wife works there & you are friendly?
What shades of twisted is this bastard ?
…& before I am misunderstood, his wife & your friendliness make no difference to what he did to you ( & possibly others).
You cannot spend time in that environment.

Also please go talk to your GP, tell them everything that has happened to you & get signed off. For your own wellbeing, you cannot live with the trauma of seeing the rapist everyday at work

Part of me is worried about getting therapy whilst I’m still there and seeing him everyday as the only way I’ve been coping is trying to pretend it didn’t happen. I’m worried if I start talking about it it will trigger me and will make things worse. Even writing it down in my original post was difficult and I didn’t go into details because talking about it makes me feel a lot worse. I will look into it though.

I've gone ice cold. I can't and wouldn't want to imagine what you're going through. Even If you don't feel like you can report that is up to you and it's certainly not for anyone to pressure you. However you do need to speak to someone professionally (R crisis) I cant even write or say the disgusting word, sorry. I hope a plague of angry bees attack his pathetic d**k.

@ily0x

OP, Have you worked there long? Do you know the big boss - the father? Does he know and like you - is it that kind of tiny set-up?

I’ve worked there over a year. I’ve only met the owner a few times as he’s retired so he doesn’t work there at all. He still owns the company but doesn’t do any work.

Right, I see.

Well, if the police is out if the equation (it was for me for reasons I won't go into on a public forum), you could go another route.

Engineer a private meeting with the owner on some pretext or other. Initiative might be needed - like if he goes out to lunch/ plays golf at a certain course - he will have routines. Engineer a meeting under some pretext. Tell him exactly what happened to you and the devastating effect it has had on you.

Approach the meeting having decided in advance exactly what you are aiming to achieve, Eg:

• Because of what happened, you obviously have to leave the job and you require severance to cover your living costs until you get another job. (I'm talking real money here)

-You want an excellent reference. -You want him to deal with his son. -If your requirements are not met, you will have to take it further. Be polite and calm. (Don't mention the police - let it hang in the air)

No-one knows that you haven't kept your clothes from that night, or that you didn't press record on your phone, or that you didn't go to a rape crisis centre or doctor that night. The Company owner will be put on the back foot and you take your power right back.

If this happened to me now, I would do this. I would be very calm, polite and pleasant. I would then move on immediately and get whatever counselling etc I felt necessary.

Words fail me…his wife works there & you are friendly?

When I say friendly I just mean polite work friendly. As in she’s a nice woman. We aren’t friends. She’s older than me with two kids. I don’t see her much or work with her often. She works one day a week but for a few hours, obviously I feel so uncomfortable around her now, I’ve only seen her twice since it happened.