I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

[ily0x]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

Hi I'm so sorry that you've experienced this. I'm not sure what to say but may god give you strength. Report him. It will save someone else getting raped.

@ily0x You are still in shock & managing as best you can. The suppression & numbing is a coping strategy you are using now, but you are bottling up your feelings. Support & counselling with a trained professional will help you release & process those difficult feelings.

Please follow up on the GP so that the event is documented, you are signed off to protect your health & get some support to help you.

Also the rape crisis centre, this will not be the first time they have supported someone who has been raped in the workplace & they can you work out what to do.

You do not have to do this all on your own, there are people who understand, been through this themselves & want to help you.

@ily0x

If I had gone to the hospital, done a rape kit etc I would consider going to the police now, and I should have done that as I had injuries like bruising, but now I’m not in that situation and I will look like a crazy person coming out with this a month later. No one would believe me. He’s also not a bad looking man (I feel sick writing that but it adds to another layer of why I don’t think I’ll be believed). People will probably think I’m trying to get money out of him.

People would believe you, OP. I believe you and I'm sure others here do.

The bastard would probably use the defence of it being consensual and therefore the rape kit evidence wouldn't be that vital, would it?

I wish I could do something to help you. It's painful even reading that you feel you have no choice but to keep working there so I can't begin to imagine how awful it must be for you.

VPN

Set up an email address with protonmail. Utterly untraceable

Send out an email to the whole company.

Mr Boss is a rapist

Then send another one to him, tell him very clearly and very calmly you will be reporting him to the police. You have photos of the bruising, you have your clothes, you told a friend, you will destroy him.

Do not put your name on it

Act as surprised as everyone else when this arrives in your inbox

Let him sweat. Then tell him what you want. Whatever this is.

Take the power back and destroy this animal

It’s a tiny company with only a handful of female employees so they’d guess it was me and I really don’t feel comfortable with my office knowing about this.

@Pinkbonbon

No, she doesn't. Have a fucking word with yourself.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. I think your priorities are to get some support from Rape Crisis or similar and then hopefully you will feel strong enough to redouble your efforts to find another job. You can't start to heal while you're having to see him day in day out so getting out of there is vital I think. This isn't the advice I want to give you, of course you should be able to report and expect him to be charged and of course you shouldn't have to leave your job but that's not the reality we live in and protecting yourself from further trauma is what matters right now

"I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend."

Dear OP,
I am sorry your are going through this.
You need to speak to the Police ASAP. Don't be afraid. You have done nothing wrong and you will feel a lot better for exposing him.
Talk to your boyfriend also, and anyone else you can.. let it out! It will drive you mad if you won't.

And leave this workplace asap if you can. Don't return. Report to the police. Take action. 💐💐

You need to ring rape crisis or a similar charity . They'll talk things through, offer support and advice without any judgement or pressure of what to do next.

I'd talk to your GP too so a professional knows and in case they can refer you to therapy. Have you had an STD check? Is your body ok after the assault?

Take it easy, day by day. Your main aim is to survive, sane as possible through whatever means . You are your first responsibility and priority. No one else,not reporting,not whatever else. You're already being immensely strong and putting a lot of pressure and trauma on yourself by being in the same workplace as him. Don't add anymore.

Would you be comfortable to tell him "Do not talk to me, do not look at me, If I'm on fire walk the other way and I won't say anything." Just so you can put as much distance between you and him as you can, before you make your escape. Once you're out, you can decide what action if any you want to take.

It's not your fault.

People would believe you, OP. I believe you and I'm sure others here do.

I don’t think the people who work with us would believe it, everyone likes him, he’s the only manager/senior person everyone likes. I did too which makes me want to throw up as I hate him so much and have so much anger towards him now.

@ElizabethT8 - that is terrible advice. Nothing good could ever come from following it.

The OP will look like an extortionist, not a rape victim.

The owner will play hardball and the OP will be devastated.

@ily0x - do not take the advice.

Do not take Crotiq's advice either. It's virtually the same advice and it will backfire on you in the worst possible way.

@Crotiq

VPN

Set up an email address with protonmail. Utterly untraceable

Send out an email to the whole company.

Mr Boss is a rapist

Then send another one to him, tell him very clearly and very calmly you will be reporting him to the police. You have photos of the bruising, you have your clothes, you told a friend, you will destroy him.

Do not put your name on it

Act as surprised as everyone else when this arrives in your inbox

Let him sweat. Then tell him what you want. Whatever this is.

Take the power back and destroy this animal

This is ludicrously dangerous advice. Don't be ridiculous. Completely unhelpful to poor OP.

@ily0x

This monster has you exactly where he wants you, and there is nothing you can do about that except to try to get another job and seek therapeutic help to get through the trauma.

The powerlessness you feel in your job situation is heaping stress onto you, on top of the trauma of the rape. It is like being held down and assaulted all over again daily.

This man is truly aware of his power relative to your powerlessness, and that is what makes him such a monster. If you talk to his wife, he will turn her against you. Her job and her lifestyle depend on being married to him, and she will back him against you. If you try to get anything out of him or his father, they will go on the attack and you will be called a liar, a gold digger, an extortionist. They might even report you to police.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/
This is a legal help line which you can talk to for free. They will be able to advise you on your rights and what you can do.

Please, please talk to Rape Crisis, and maybe work toward making a complaint to Police when you feel ready.

In the meantime, please tell your partner what really happened and that you are struggling terribly.

He should be pulling out all the stops to find a job so that you don't have to keep on going back into the lion's den every day.

Keep up the job search yourself. Even if you both got supermarket jobs, it would be better than what you're facing now.

People will believe you op.

I don't care how much I like my boss, if a women in my office says he raped her then I believe the woman.

There's a difference between having a responsibility and being responsible. Dont twist my words ta.

People working for a long time in a small family firm have virtually no workplace rights that can be effectively enforced, and are dependent on the 'family' for references if they ever want to leave.

Family firms can be completely toxic work environments for that reason, with rape, sexual harassment, and all sorts of abuses perpetrated on employees. They can be good places too of course, but everything depends on the character of the people who own the firm.

People at work may or may not believe you. Whether they do or they don't, they are never going to rock the boat. Telling them would only expose yourself to risk - of being shunned, of having actively hostile behaviour directed at you, of word reaching the rapist and being fired, and you would be traumatised all over again.

I’m so sorry OP. You sound really strong.
Please speak to rape crisis. And focus on yourself and what you need.

Could you sign off sick if your boyfriend finds a job??

I hope you are able to find something yourself soon.

Please take care of yourself.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Please speak to your gp, log it with them. They can maybe advise therapy but also if you feel you can report it in the future at least you have been to gp now. Rape crisis would also hopefully be a good support.

You sound so brave!! Every day must be a nightmare for you going into work, what strenght you have

💐

OP, please disregard the guilt tripping and absurd attempts to shame you into reporting to police. Please just focus on yourself now, your mental and physical health is the priority now. Your GP can sign you off with ‘work stress’ if you want, or you can tell them your boss sexually assaulted you and ask them what the sick note would say on it? I think it might be good for you to share this, you shouldn’t be carrying this alone. I’m just concerned because not all healthcare staff can be good with this, but there’s something called SARC which is just for supporting rape survivors, STD testing, etc. You need support to get through this, do you live alone or with your bf?

There was a case I saw on the DailyMail about a lady who was raped by boss, police bungled two investigations but the employment tribunal found in her favour and she will receive compensation. But it had to be the employment tribunal who actually helped her and not the police. It’s extremely cruel and inhumane to keep telling a rape survivor to report when they said they don’t feel able. Rape is one thing but to deal with uniformed criticism from other women when attempting to ask for support is overwhelmingly demoralising.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9898379/amp/Police-botched-TWO-investigations-womans-claims-raped-boss.html

www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc

I am so sorry.

You are not responsible for him or his actions or required to report him. If you do feel able to, you may find this actually helps your recovery, so you could do it for you.

Talk to rape Crisis, please.
rapecrisis.org.uk/

Excellent advice form mathanxiety.

@Crotiq

VPN

Set up an email address with protonmail. Utterly untraceable

Send out an email to the whole company.

Mr Boss is a rapist

Then send another one to him, tell him very clearly and very calmly you will be reporting him to the police. You have photos of the bruising, you have your clothes, you told a friend, you will destroy him.

Do not put your name on it

Act as surprised as everyone else when this arrives in your inbox

Let him sweat. Then tell him what you want. Whatever this is.

Take the power back and destroy this animal

Don't be ridiculous. Blackmail is a crime.

I am so so sorry this happened to you OP. I'm disgusted even reading this and imagining this evil, horrific situation.

You must report it if you can. Completely with you on the abysmal prosecution rates but he cannot get away with this.

My thoughts are with you x