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Original poster

I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

285 replies

ily0x · 30/12/2021 21:55

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

OP posts:
Schmoozer · 30/12/2021 23:03

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you went through that - please don’t feel guilty about not reporting to police, do what you can cope with,
Contacting rape crisis is a good idea, you can talk anonymously and receive some of the support you so deserve,
When you are ready, ask GP for referral for psychological help,
Your nightmares and anxiety and lack of eating are of course all normal given such a traumatic experience
You are NOT to blame, you do not need to feel guilty,
You must be so strong to keep working under these circumstances
Please talk to people - here, friends, family,
Rape crisis, GP, talking about it a lot, can help the processing of something so horrific
Best wishes

Mischance · 30/12/2021 23:03

I know it is very very hard indeed to contemplate reporting this; but I agree that you need to get some support and then go to the police. Nothing will take away what has happened to you, but you may be able to stop him doing this to someone else.

I am so sorry that you have been through this. Flowers

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/12/2021 23:04

I am so so sorry you have had to go through this.

  1. Report to the police. Yes I know conviction levels are shit and there will be no physical evidence now but if he has or will do this to someone else in the future/the past this will all build a bigger picture.
  1. Tell your boyfriend the truth. Tell him how you really feel.
  1. Look into counselling. You really need to work through your emotions in a safe space. Trust me this can help.

I have been where you are now. I was never strong or brave enough to do number 1 but I'm sending whatever reserves I have to support you in taking that step.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 30/12/2021 23:04

Hi OP I am so sorry your thread has been derailed as it has.

Personally, I would keep my head down and get out of there as fast as possible in case he attacks you again.

Never mind police, GP etc - look for any job you can reasonably find. And make sure you do not work late or alone, ever.

It breaks my heart that it's like this, but the fact is, most people don't react well to rape disclosures, whether they be randoms on the internet or "professionals".

You have one focus now, which is surviving this and moving on. Call Rape Crisis. Hang up if they are not helpful. Get an STD test if you can. Send your cv to every agency going.

With luck, you should be through this in a matter of weeks. Then you can take stock, get counselling if you want.

Right now, just survive. And remember, lots of us get you and have your back.

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/12/2021 23:05

@ily0x

Please do what is right for YOU. No victim has the responsibility for another person being raped- that is the attackers responsibility ONLY. If you would like to speak with the police you can just state that you do not wish to pursue it (which as hard as this is to hear, they are unlikely to pursue it anyway as there isn’t sufficient evidence to secure a conviction) however it will be a name that will flag up if it was to happen to another victim so he will have “form” and they may contact you for a statement if another or multiple women were also to report the same man and this would make a stronger case for conviction however at that point it would be entirely up to you if you wished to do this and as yet I have not been contacted about my rapist.

But absolutely you need to do what is right for you. Rape crisis are fantastic and offer low cost/free counselling. I only suggest reporting without wanting to press charges as this was something I did and felt better for it although whatever decisions you make are YOURS and yours alone.

If you have decent company sick pay please speak to your doctor and get signed off.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Flowers

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 30/12/2021 23:05

…..sorry, posted too soon

Do you get sick pay? You can currently self certify sickness from work for 28 days rather than 7. This might give you a bit of time to try and get some longer term support from the organisations mentioned.

BanditoShipman · 30/12/2021 23:06

Our experience was similar to what @Terfydactyl states, my 13 year old dd was raped. Went through the initial interview then the statement then the video interview. Horrifically traumatic. Police interviewed him, he denied it and they they decided NFA (No Further Action). How the police acted doubled the trauma of the rape. We also were allowed no counselling while all this dragged on. It is barbaric.

I would never wish to put anyone off reporting but op you need to think about YOU. If he goes on to attack someone else then that is on HIM NOT you.

Try to get yourself counselling, speak to Rape Crisis, speak to a friend or family if you can. Get signed off by a dr.

I wish you all the best and am so sorry this happened to you x

Wonderfulstuff · 30/12/2021 23:06

I am very sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault.

I was also assaulted by my boss a number of years ago and at the time I did nothing. In hindsight, whilst I may not have done anything differently such as contacting police, I wish that I had contacted Rape Crisis for further support.

Do whatever you are comfortable with but know that there are 3rd parties who can help you.

BanditoShipman · 30/12/2021 23:08

@SpookyScarySkeletons

I am so so sorry you have had to go through this.
  1. Report to the police. Yes I know conviction levels are shit and there will be no physical evidence now but if he has or will do this to someone else in the future/the past this will all build a bigger picture.
  1. Tell your boyfriend the truth. Tell him how you really feel.
  1. Look into counselling. You really need to work through your emotions in a safe space. Trust me this can help.

I have been where you are now. I was never strong or brave enough to do number 1 but I'm sending whatever reserves I have to support you in taking that step.

Please don’t put yourself down @SpookyScarySkeletons, you are strong and brave. You’re still here after what happened to you and that makes you a hero in my book 🙂
Midlifemusings · 30/12/2021 23:12

I share the sentiments of the others OP, I am so sorry that happened to you and that you aren't in a position to change jobs. I would keep looking. I would encourage you when you feel ready to report it to the police. Reporting both puts it on the record even if choose to not pursue or be involved in further action and it can lead to access to victim support services. You can also contact Victim Support Services directly.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/12/2021 23:13

OP, firstly I am so so sorry this happened to you.

I agree with others who have said to speak to Rape Crisis, speak to your GP they may be able to sign you off sick etc.

If you don't feel upto speaking to the police don't ever blame yourself if this man does the same to other woman. This man is a rapist, they are his actions and his responsibility alone.

I don't have any proper advice, I really really feel for you. My Mum has been raped a couple of times, counselling helped her a bit but be gentle on yourself, put you and your needs first.

Goodnessrosee · 30/12/2021 23:13

I am so sorry this happened to you. He is evil.
When you get another job and if you then feel able please do report it to the police as he may have done this to someone else before/ could do this again in the future to another person.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/12/2021 23:14

@BanditoShipman omg your 13 year old. I cannot even imagine what you all have been through. The poor poor girl. I would be capable of murder if someone as much as laid a finger on my almost 13 year old.

I really hope you are working through it with her. It never leaves you and the fear is there forever but my DH is incredible and supportive. I was only 16 when it happened and I didn't meet him until 8 years later but he knows from talking things that he can't do (just stupid stuff like I can't wear a choker style necklace cos pressure on my throat makes me panic).

Sending so much love and support to your DD.
And thank you so much for your supportive words on my other post xx

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/12/2021 23:14

@SpookyScarySkeletons

You are brave and strong - you are choosing to share your experience to support and encourage other victims.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 30/12/2021 23:15

If he does this again then that will be 100% because that man is a rapist and not because of what his last traumatised victim did or didn't do.

OP look after yourself. I hope you can bring yourself to tell your partner or someone in real life. FWIW I think you are very right about the police, the evidence needs to be bloody enormous for it to get anywhere. What he does next is not your burden.

Lilolily · 30/12/2021 23:16

@TwinkleToeMatilda

So sorry you have gone through this but you MUST report it to the police. He could do this to someone else and I am sure you would never want that to happen. Please ensure you talk to the police.
No, there is nothing she MUST do. This is the rapists fault not hers, and it is her decision how she handles it and no-one else’s business. She owes nobody anything.
Original poster
ily0x · 30/12/2021 23:18

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies I have read them all I can’t reply to all, no there’s no CCTV it’s a small business w under 40 employees.

If I had gone to the hospital, done a rape kit etc I would consider going to the police now, and I should have done that as I had injuries like bruising, but now I’m not in that situation and I will look like a crazy person coming out with this a month later. No one would believe me. He’s also not a bad looking man (I feel sick writing that but it adds to another layer of why I don’t think I’ll be believed). People will probably think I’m trying to get money out of him.

If I do get a new job I would consider going to the police then but even then I’m afraid as he’s rich and could come after me. I’d be going to the police knowing there is ZERO chance he’d suffer any consequences for what he’s done to me though. It’d be purely to have it on record he’d had a complaint made against him

OP posts:
peachesarenom · 30/12/2021 23:18

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I think there must be an organisation that can help but I don't know of one sorry. You should definitely look for support from people who know about this sort of thing.

I'm so sorry about money being an issue. I think he deserves a whole world of pain coming his way.

I wish I had some good advice but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that it was an awful thing to happen and he's a criminal.

I guess I just wanted to provide some emotional support xxx

Just wanted to say

IWasHotInTheNineties · 30/12/2021 23:19

Stop saying she needs to report it to protect other women. Right now we should be helping her not making her feel pressure about something that might not ever happen.
OP Flowers some posters have posted supportive links and great advice.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/12/2021 23:21

@ily0x

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies I have read them all I can’t reply to all, no there’s no CCTV it’s a small business w under 40 employees.

If I had gone to the hospital, done a rape kit etc I would consider going to the police now, and I should have done that as I had injuries like bruising, but now I’m not in that situation and I will look like a crazy person coming out with this a month later. No one would believe me. He’s also not a bad looking man (I feel sick writing that but it adds to another layer of why I don’t think I’ll be believed). People will probably think I’m trying to get money out of him.

If I do get a new job I would consider going to the police then but even then I’m afraid as he’s rich and could come after me. I’d be going to the police knowing there is ZERO chance he’d suffer any consequences for what he’s done to me though. It’d be purely to have it on record he’d had a complaint made against him

I'm sorry lovely I don't want to put pressure on you but an official complaint will help. I know it's gonna be really bloody hard (like I said earlier I wasn't strong enough to do it) BUT if someone has made a similar complaint against him in the past or one in the future it will link and maybe make another woman's complaint more believable.

It's just a statement that's all. Please don't read this as me pressuring you but without those individual complaints the bastards keep getting away with it x

neveradullmoment99 · 30/12/2021 23:22

Is this for real?
FGS..He raped you.
Report to the police.

Sid077 · 30/12/2021 23:22

I’m sorry you were attacked. Please contact the Rape Crisis centre - they can help.

Please don’t leave your job for now - go out sick, the last thing you need right now is to have to start a new role and focussing on work when really you need to focus on yourself, your emotional health and trying to live and deal with ptsd.

Why should you be put at a financial and emotional loss because your attacker is your employer if anything they have a stronger duty of care to their employees because this happened at work which should be a safe place. Flowers

PieMistee · 30/12/2021 23:26

Do not worry about the police now. I reported a sexual assukt 6 months after it happened. It didn't result in his immediate conviction. It did however mean the police took the next report seriously, especially as the other victim and I weren't related. Get strong you have been so strong already. I am so sorry you are going through this but it does get easier.

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2021 23:29

Op get some counselling or someone to talk to. You don't have to do anything else.

NatWestPigFamily · 30/12/2021 23:29

Dear OP, I’m sorry that this has happened to you. Remember this was not your fault. He is 100% to blame. He is filthy disgusting scum. No one can tell you how to deal with or process what has happened. Please consider speaking to your GP so that if or when you decide to report to the police there would be a record of what happened. Only you know what you need to do to heal right now. Take care.