Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

285 replies

ily0x · 30/12/2021 21:55

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

OP posts:
LumosSolem · 30/12/2021 22:38

I definitely think contacting Rape Crisis is good advice. Understandable why you don't want to report to the police- I would feel the same. Just remember that it's not closed to you as an option later on- if you don't want to do this at the moment, but later change your mind you really can do so.

I'm so sad to think of what you've been trying to deal with by yourself OP. I really really hope you can get some good support.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/12/2021 22:38

So sorry but it needs reporting to the police.

Don't put it off just because he is your boss.

winterchills · 30/12/2021 22:39

This is absolutely heartbreaking, you really do need to go to the police

MagentaRocks · 30/12/2021 22:39

Please don’t feel guilty. It is not your responsibility. Just focus on what you need to do to get through this.

icelollycraving · 30/12/2021 22:40

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. The actions of this man are not your fault, past, present or future.
Please do consider calling the trained people at rape crisis. This is a hell of a burden to carry alone. Many women don’t report. It is your choice whether to do so.
Is your partner aware? If he is, is he being kind?
Flowers

LumosSolem · 30/12/2021 22:41

@PartyPrawnRingGames

If the OP could be sure that reporting him would mean he was charged and punished and locked away so he can't hurt other women it would be easier to say she should report to protect others, but we all know how often these men get away with their crimes and the victim is badly treated in court. So I don't think she has any obligation because of the way things are so skewed against the victim and likely to cause her further trauma.
This- no one should be putting pressure in the OP to put herself through this if she doesn't want to.
Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 30/12/2021 22:42

@Pinkbonbon

Messaged deleted by MNHQ
Quite clearly from your replies here you haven't been through any type of sexual assault, or you would know that even talking about it here would have been highly traumatising and that maybe going to the police would be a step too far right now.

Op, you do not have to report this if you do not feel able. But please do consider getting a sexual health check and also a pregnancy test should this be an option too.

There are plenty of charities / organisations that would support you with confidential counselling should you want it.

Nothing but kindness and compassion here, just do what you need to do to get through this

pommepommefrites · 30/12/2021 22:43

Second a pp who said Contact Rape crisis anonymously? They can council you and help you work out your next steps. Am sick to my stomach over what happened I hope you manage to get help for what's happened to you.

ladygoingGaga · 30/12/2021 22:44

I’m so sorry he did this too you. Every emotion you are feeling is normal, I recommend speaking to a specialist rape support service, they don’t report to police but keep it all on file for if and when you feel ready to report.
They can help with the emotional and psychological pain he has caused you.

Do what you need to for you, be kind to yourself you have been through a nightmare of an ordeal.

JetBlackSteed · 30/12/2021 22:45

Is there a cctv camera on the door?

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Gumbomambo · 30/12/2021 22:45

Your only responsibility is to yourself. Rape crisis, talking point and your gp. None of this is your fault no blame lies with you. I’m so sorry x

Terfydactyl · 30/12/2021 22:45

@Pinkbonbon

Message deleted by MNHQ
OP has no responsibility for what the man has done previously or may do in the future. The responsibility lies with the man who committed the crime not the victim. If you had any idea how hard it is to get a conviction you would not say this utter tripe.

Do you have any idea what goes on when a rape is recorded?
Do you know that your phone/laptop/tablet is taken for forensic examination? Any clue when you get them back.
Do you realise pre covid it took about two years to get to court if it even gets to court?
Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape?
Serious uninformed advice from you. Suggest you look into the stats and find very few rapes are even reported, taken to court, get a conviction.

ElectraBlue · 30/12/2021 22:46

I would go to the police.

If you say nothing and stay in the job you will destroy your mental health, not to mention the fact that he might try to assault you again.

Whoknowsweknows · 30/12/2021 22:46

I don’t have any advise, but I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
What a vile, vile bastard.

TwinkleToeMatilda · 30/12/2021 22:47

@MagentaRocks I am simply saying she should contact the police as are others on here. If there is a slight possibility that reporting him could result in him getting what he deserves then I believe she should do it. You have your opinion I have mine.

ILoveSushi12345 · 30/12/2021 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

MusicTeacherSussex · 30/12/2021 22:48

Please go to the police and tell your boyfriend the truth
I'm horrified for you. Is there CCTV to say he was there that night. Don'tet him get away with it he is a rapist, attacker and abuser.

Please take care of yourself

LumosSolem · 30/12/2021 22:53

[quote TwinkleToeMatilda]@MagentaRocks I am simply saying she should contact the police as are others on here. If there is a slight possibility that reporting him could result in him getting what he deserves then I believe she should do it. You have your opinion I have mine.[/quote]
Terfydactyl summed up exactly what victims have to go through when reporting a rape and it's a massive consideration to take. Others feel different, but no way would I put myself through all that for the tiny chance of a scumbag rapist actually being served justice. That is how I personally feel.

OP needs to do what is right for her and to look after herself- to take steps to protect herself and heal as much as possible.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 30/12/2021 22:53

You poor love.

Please talk to Rape crisis.

MagentaRocks · 30/12/2021 22:53

[quote TwinkleToeMatilda]@MagentaRocks I am simply saying she should contact the police as are others on here. If there is a slight possibility that reporting him could result in him getting what he deserves then I believe she should do it. You have your opinion I have mine.[/quote]
All the people telling her to go to the police when says she can’t are not helping.

The OP was raped by someone who didn’t listen to her saying no. She has come on here for support and is now being faced with people ignoring/discounting her reasons for not reporting to the police.

Maybe in time she will feel strong enough to report but she needs to focus on her well-being at the moment and do what is right for her.

tricky29 · 30/12/2021 22:55

I’m so sorry that this was done to you. I understand why financially in the present and for your future employment chances and for not being believed you feel you have to carry on and find another job.

I think you should probably call Rape Crisis for some better informed advice than I can give. Perhaps you can contact the GP and get some supper to get you through this.

I would echo talking to a family member or female friend, I feel like you’ve told your partner but you’re protecting him from the detail. The person who most needs protection and support right now is you. Speak to someone who can help you get through all the feelings you have at the moment. I’ll be thinking of you.

Veryverysadandold · 30/12/2021 22:56

If it was me I'd go to my gp and explain and ask to be signed off with stress. They can't breach confidentiality by telling anyone else about it. This would give you breathing space to find a 'triage job'- any other job that's not your current one. They might be able to help you with counselling etc as well. If your partner is out of work could he apply for benefits while he's looking? Worst case scenario could you? I'm picking up that you have lots of things you feel you need to sort out before you feel ready to go to the police, which is totally understandable.

mummymathsteacher · 30/12/2021 23:00

I have no advice, but know there is a family of women here who are 100% behind you. This is not your fault, and you are not responsible for anything. Whether you report or not is irrelevant, we believe you and we stand with you in any way we can

CambsAlways · 30/12/2021 23:02

Please report this to rape crisis, you do not have to report to the police if you are not comfortable in doing so, you need help and support through this terrible ordeal, I hope your boyfriend is supporting you, what a utter scumbag, I’m so sorry you have to see him at work, really feel for you, sending you a virtual hug and hoping you get all the support you need ,

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 30/12/2021 23:02

Do you get sick

Swipe left for the next trending thread