Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Am I being awkward or is DH?

152 replies

Fretfulmum · 21/12/2021 15:59

DH has lots of cousins with a wide age range, only a few have their own kids. We have DC aged 2 and another on the way. They have a tradition of doing an activity on Xmas Eve but DH hasn’t been since we’ve been married due to things like us being away and covid last year. It is not my idea of fun and I’ve always stated it’s not something I’d be doing with them. DH is fine with that.
DH and I have discussed starting our own traditions now we have DC. We’ve spoken about Xmas day traditions but not anything on Xmas Eve before. I forgot about his family activity on Xmas Eve and booked a festive treat for oUr DC in the day and planned a cosy Xmas Eve night in as it’s the first Xmas they understand anything at all. DH wasn’t happy as he said he’s planned to go to this activity with his cousins. I said fair enough but I’m still taking DC to the things I’ve planned and creating a cosy evening for them. DH wants to take DC to this activity instead but I really want to be with my DC on Xmas Eve and this activity is not my idea of fun. I don’t want to be home alone without them.
I think DH should grow up and put us first now. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t know if I’m being awkward or not ?

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/12/2021 16:45

I think it's a bit sad to say he has to put his family first...his cousins are his family. We get so little opportunities in busy modern life to see wider family and do fun things with them

You should be pleased your son has a big group of family who want to welcome him into traditions. Surely having a quiet time at home can happen anytime.

waterrat · 21/12/2021 16:46

I wish my kids had grown up seeing their cousins of all ages more. Children need roots and your son will benefit if he grows up understanding he is part of a bigger family.

PumpkinEye · 21/12/2021 16:47

You are being a bit selfish. And I suspect you didn’t ’forget’ his activity at all, you just booked what you wanted to do instead.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families
PumpkinEye · 21/12/2021 16:49

But I do understand that you would want to make new traditions, since you don’t like whatever they are doing. Is it going to church?

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2021 16:49

I think you are being thoughtless and a bit awkward why can't he go to his family thing why does it have to be your way ?

LadyCatStark · 21/12/2021 16:50

Will the DC enjoy the activity? If yes YABU if no he might be unreasonable but if the DC will enjoy being around their family then YABU.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/12/2021 16:52

What’s the activity?

RatherBeRiding · 21/12/2021 16:53

I think it depends on whether you've paid for the DC activity already, and also what the family activity is. Is it something DC would enjoy and be able to take part in? Or are they just going so your DH gets the 'family vibe'.

And you both need to start putting activities on a family calendar!

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 21/12/2021 16:56

The activity is laser quest. They go late afternoon and won’t be home till late after theyve all had burgers. DC will probably fall asleep in the car on the way home and straight to their beds. Laser quest is not my cup of tea and also I’m pregnant so it’s out of question anyway.
By the way, I never said to DH he shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t do that. I just said I would like the DC to do things with me as their mother on Xmas eve. If DH wants to join us then fine, it not then also fine.

I can accept it’s me being awkward. I think I’m more upset that I prefer to do things on a small scale and just be out little family. Whereas everything DHs family does has to be all 20 of them all the time and I don’t really like big events like that. I accept i need to get over it

OP posts:
Stade197 · 21/12/2021 16:56

If you are spending Christmas just you guys as a little family then I would say DH and DC should go and spend xmas eve with family, however after not going for 2 years he absolutely should have told you in advance that he was going this year so you didn't make plans

ImFree2doasiwant · 21/12/2021 16:57

Depends on do many things - what the activity is, how far away, and what time?

ShirleyPhallus · 21/12/2021 16:58

@Fretfulmum

The activity is laser quest. They go late afternoon and won’t be home till late after theyve all had burgers. DC will probably fall asleep in the car on the way home and straight to their beds. Laser quest is not my cup of tea and also I’m pregnant so it’s out of question anyway. By the way, I never said to DH he shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t do that. I just said I would like the DC to do things with me as their mother on Xmas eve. If DH wants to join us then fine, it not then also fine.

I can accept it’s me being awkward. I think I’m more upset that I prefer to do things on a small scale and just be out little family. Whereas everything DHs family does has to be all 20 of them all the time and I don’t really like big events like that. I accept i need to get over it

In which case I think YANVU. There are plenty of opportunities for you to create your own traditions. Let your husband have this one, they’re your children’s family too, after all
ImFree2doasiwant · 21/12/2021 16:58

Cross posted - oh hell no!!

TickledOnion · 21/12/2021 16:59

Can 2 year olds even do laser quest?

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 16:59

It's you being awkward. You knew they had a tradition.

I feel like you intentionally booked the activity to stop DH going to laser quest (which you absolutely can do when you're pregnant).

ImFree2doasiwant · 21/12/2021 16:59

There's no way id be taking a 2 Yr old to laser quest on Christmas eve, or any other time. Or any other activity that meant they slept on the way home and straight to bed.

Original poster
Fretfulmum · 21/12/2021 17:02

@Stade197 Christmas Day is also with the ILs. To be fair all DHs cousins won’t be there but some will and his siblings and parents will be

OP posts:
Original poster
Fretfulmum · 21/12/2021 17:02

It’s also a 75 minute drive away each way

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/12/2021 17:06

I think 2 is too young for laser quest so this year it is reasonable for you to do what you have planned, but I also think that in the future it is reasonable for DH to take your DC along to the annual Christmas Eve laser quest regardless of whether they enjoy it. It’s a long standing family tradition and your DC are part of the family and I imagine once they are older they will really enjoy it.

BlingLoving · 21/12/2021 17:06

Unless he hasn't been for the last 10 years and it genuinely is a family tradition that you are aware of, I think that you should not have assumed he didn't want to go and you shouldn't have booked activities for Christmas eve. (although I would be annoyed that he didn't say anything and just assumed it would all be fine. Although of course, you did the same so there's clearly a communication issue here).

I have my doubts about a 2 year old at laser quest, but I'd still say that it's actually lovely that he wants to include his DS in this family activity and sees it as a continuation rather than something he does completely separately to you and your small family unit. Too often we hear on here of a Dh who has all kinds of family traditions to which his wife and DC are not invited.

Basically, I think you're being unreasonable to be so fixated on creating your own micro-family tradition that would replace and supersede a long-standing, enjoyable, multi-generational family tradition on your DH's side.

KeepApart · 21/12/2021 17:06

God it's just laser quest. You were acting like he was going on a strip club crawl or something

I think probably 2 is a bit young for laser quest, but if your DH is happy to care for him then I don't see a problem. I think you are being a bit awkward in general. It's one day that he has a big family tradition, as your DC grow up it will be great for them to be so involved with their cousins/second cousins and will be something really fun. I don't think you can create your own family tradition on a day your dH already has a family tradition.

It is you that's chosing not to go to this activity, and at 2 your DC won't give a shit about a cosy evening in.

SoSickOfItNow · 21/12/2021 17:07

@girlmom21

It's you being awkward. You knew they had a tradition.

I feel like you intentionally booked the activity to stop DH going to laser quest (which you absolutely can do when you're pregnant).

^ yep. “It’s not my kind of thing so my kids won’t be doing it.”

Years from now they will be asking why they never got to go and have fun with everyone.

soapboxqueen · 21/12/2021 17:08

Tbh I'm thinking you probably forgot on purpose (which I would have done so not a massive amount of judgement from me)

However, I'd be saying no. Lazer quest isn't for pregnant women or toddlers, you'll be sitting on your tod while he's playing.

Also I'd be buggered if I was going to go driving about for 3 hours on Christmas eve. Roads will be packed.

Let him go if he wants to.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 21/12/2021 17:08

2 is too young for laser quest. If you go you will be left with the trying to entertain toddlers. If your OH goes alone, he will be doing that and won' really connect with his family. I think you should do things separately this year but agree to plan together and communicate better next year.

KeepApart · 21/12/2021 17:10

I honestly can't imagine anything better than a yearly laser quest with your cousins and uncles/aunts tbh Grin

I can see 2 maybe too young, but for future years I think it would be very unfair to make your DC miss out on this because of your desire for 'our little family'. In my experience most children prefer fun with cousins to the concept of their little family