Am I being awkward or is DH?

[Fretfulmum]

DH has lots of cousins with a wide age range, only a few have their own kids. We have DC aged 2 and another on the way. They have a tradition of doing an activity on Xmas Eve but DH hasn’t been since we’ve been married due to things like us being away and covid last year. It is not my idea of fun and I’ve always stated it’s not something I’d be doing with them. DH is fine with that.
DH and I have discussed starting our own traditions now we have DC. We’ve spoken about Xmas day traditions but not anything on Xmas Eve before. I forgot about his family activity on Xmas Eve and booked a festive treat for oUr DC in the day and planned a cosy Xmas Eve night in as it’s the first Xmas they understand anything at all. DH wasn’t happy as he said he’s planned to go to this activity with his cousins. I said fair enough but I’m still taking DC to the things I’ve planned and creating a cosy evening for them. DH wants to take DC to this activity instead but I really want to be with my DC on Xmas Eve and this activity is not my idea of fun. I don’t want to be home alone without them.
I think DH should grow up and put us first now. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t know if I’m being awkward or not ?

I know DC will enjoy it when they’re older. But eighth now they’re too young to make that decision themselves. I think I’ll just let DH take them and let him cope with them running around the venue whilst his family play the game.

I think that’s an excellent idea! I mean he wants to go and do something with his dcs, on his own. An activity that is unsuitable to a 2yo.
I think he should also be feeling the consequences of his choice. Aka not being able to take part. Standing like a lemon in the reception area. Not being able to ‘get’ the jokes/fun etc… because he wasn’t in that particular game. And the travel with some tired toddlers. Feeding them etc etc….

Then review in a few days when it’s still fresh in his mind (esp how difficult this was). I suspect he will changed his mind. But he won’t until he has felt the pain of doing it isywim.
Sometimes, you only learn from your mistakes and having direct experience. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[quote LostForIdeas]@ineedsun having done MANY of those ‘let’s wait on the sidelines and be happy/cheery for them’, I can guarantee you that it’s not as cracked up as it’s meant to be.

It’s not just the waiting around doing nothing. It’s also the fact it’s impossible to actually participate before and afterwards because all the talk is about the activity and you’ll no idea what has been happening.
So basically you stand like a lemon the whole time (remember these are ADULTS going, not your average 5yo). And that’s even if you have an idea of what the activity/what it entails etc….

I refuse to do anything like this anymore.[/quote]
Your choice, but I have done many of these and it’s fine if you’re open minded about it.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

Well yeah, if you’re going to be maungy about it. Or you could be excited to hear all about the fun they’ve had for each game, go somewhere fun for food, enjoy the company of family: you know, make the most of it.

Bit of an assumption that you can have fun with family tbh. If the family were the sort you can have fun with I would expect them to understand why a pregnant woman might not want to entertain twin toddlers for 3 hours in the foyer of a laser quest and spend 3 hours travelling in order to do so. I doubt any reasonable family would want to pressurise OP into doing that.

But this is a tradition which has gone on for ten years, it’s not about OP. So why should they rearrange their tradition for one person?

Seems odd to me but clearly I’m in the minority

@ineedsun, nothing to do with being open minded or not lol.

When you dint know about the activity, you don’t and can’t participate to all the talk afterwards.
And even when, after many sessions like that you do know more about the activity, you still can’t participate because you haven’t done the activity, Aka shared specific moments etc….

So I’d ask. On the OP’s situation, being open minded etc..l, how would you be involved after the event? NOT about the dcs who won’t have been able to participate of course.

@ineedsun re reorganising a tradition.

No one ask anyone to reorganise a tradition. All the family members can carry on doing that big they want to.
What is important for the OP and her family, DH included, is to create THEIR own family tradition. This might or might not include that laser quest thing on Christmas Eve. Or it might not.

The whole point is that it’s nit a given that it will be part of the tradition because as a new family, they are creating their own way to celebrate Christmas.
These traditions might change with time and the age of the dcs. They ought change according to what they can do/enjoy. They should never be imposed by one person ‘because that’s what I’ve always done’. Mainly because, you know, the DH has had that tradition but the OP will have had other traditions (such as spending a quiet time with family on Christmas Eve). And there is no reason to ignore her traditions in favour of his.

[quote LostForIdeas]@ineedsun re reorganising a tradition.

No one ask anyone to reorganise a tradition. All the family members can carry on doing that big they want to.
What is important for the OP and her family, DH included, is to create THEIR own family tradition. This might or might not include that laser quest thing on Christmas Eve. Or it might not.

The whole point is that it’s nit a given that it will be part of the tradition because as a new family, they are creating their own way to celebrate Christmas.
These traditions might change with time and the age of the dcs. They ought change according to what they can do/enjoy. They should never be imposed by one person ‘because that’s what I’ve always done’. Mainly because, you know, the DH has had that tradition but the OP will have had other traditions (such as spending a quiet time with family on Christmas Eve). And there is no reason to ignore her traditions in favour of his.[/quote]
And vice versa…

I think I'm odd, I'd love them to piss off out for the evening and leave me to get shit done at home/bath/glass of wine.

[quote LostForIdeas]@ineedsun, nothing to do with being open minded or not lol.

When you dint know about the activity, you don’t and can’t participate to all the talk afterwards.
And even when, after many sessions like that you do know more about the activity, you still can’t participate because you haven’t done the activity, Aka shared specific moments etc….

So I’d ask. On the OP’s situation, being open minded etc..l, how would you be involved after the event? NOT about the dcs who won’t have been able to participate of course.[/quote]
Of course you can!

You ask questions, listen, join in with discussion. Just like you do if they’ve played / watched football / minecraft / park run etc. I don’t understand why this is hard to get your head around unless you don’t want to

I am with you OP. They are still small and it should be all about putting out a mince pie a d a drink for Santa not racing around the country. Maybe when they are older but DH is being a brat if he thinks you all should be joining in laser quest on Christmas Eve of all days.

How old is your dc?

I agree with you op. Having your own family traditions when your own child/children are so young is so special. Putting out the treats for Father Christmas & the reindeer, reading a Christmasy story…
Why would a pregnant woman want to go on a long journey & then sit in a reception area with a young child whilst everyone else plays? Surely it is their child/children that is important on Christmas Eve. It sounds like the dad needs to grow up a bit & realise he is a parent. Sure if the child/children were older that would be different.

*But this is a tradition which has gone on for ten years, it’s not about OP. So why should they rearrange their tradition for one person?

Seems odd to me but clearly I’m in the minority*

I don't think anyone is asking for them to rearrange their tradition? Did you read the OP? She said 'fair enough, you do that, I'll do something with the kids'. She is not asking his family to rearrange their tradition for 1 person - or even 3 which is actually the relevant number here given that 2 year olds can't play laser quest.

You’re being awkward. Can guarantee a 2 year old will far prefer being introduced to x nee people for a fun activity to a structured Xmas event. You knew they did this event and booked yours on the same day…

Letting dh take them might be the best solution, as long as he promises not to take his eyes off the 2yo in particular, losing your children on Christmas Eve is universally agreed as setting you up for a very shitty Christmas and terrifying them is only shortly behind that. I’m sure he will realise what a terrible idea it is- driving 1.5h to sit boringly outside the game with his dc because they aren’t allowed in while his cousins play then driving tired grumpy dc 1.5h home again will be a a salutary lesson!! Especially if you’re pregnant I would say I am taking no part in fallout either eg if they are up all night, that’s on you.

It’s like if my dh wanted to take the dc to a bar with his cousins as they always did that. He could go, but he’d be standing outside in the street as my dc wouldn’t be allowed in while his cousins had a drink inside. Not your dhs brightest idea!

OP ignore the attempt to suggest you're not open minded because you don't want to do this. It's petty to suggest that just because one person might enjoy this (I wouldn't!) it's somehow a character flaw that you don't. I think your plan is excellent and if our predictions end up being wrong and your DP loved it then he can take them again next year. If not, he might try and get something more suitable arranged or do something with you guys instead. Don't feel you have to put yourself in a position you know will be stressful just because some other people would be OK with it. The people who judge like that will have things they don't like to do that are OK for others, they just can't be honest with themselves.

@Fretfulmum

I organise all our social events and plans and I’ve never run it by DH before and he is normally happy to do anything and glad that I’ve planned things. This was only brought up by him after I told him what I’d booked for Xmas Eve. He’s not been for 3 years and I just assumed it wasn’t happening due to covid again this year. Yes I should have checked in hindsight.

I know DC will enjoy it when they’re older. But eighth now they’re too young to make that decision themselves. I think I’ll just let DH take them and let him cope with them running around the venue whilst his family play the game. Then we need to talk about what happens going forward as I don’t think it’s fair I have to spend every Xmas Eve alone because I don’t like the activity and that’s tough

I think you need to find a way to suggest that their family meet up is maybe on Boxing Day, rather than Christmas Eve in future. But I also think in that case, you should be joining in with it.

At the moment, you just seem to be thinking you can manipulate your DH into not seeing his family, by suggesting you'll never join in and will just sit at hime being miserable if he wants your dc at the event. Essentially, that's emotional blackmail imo. Surely you can find a compromise?

It's not like she's refusing to go to granny's house for Christmas dinner! Surely this "tradition" sprung out of a lot of young, single adults wanting a fun way to catch up over Christmas. It was never designed to be a family event, nor does everyone have to do it for the rest of their lives. If I was one of the cousins, I'd be horrified to find someone thought it was worth overriding their own family Christmas plans for, with pregnant wife and young children.

@CrispAndFrosty

It's not like she's refusing to go to granny's house for Christmas dinner! Surely this "tradition" sprung out of a lot of young, single adults wanting a fun way to catch up over Christmas. It was never designed to be a family event, nor does everyone have to do it for the rest of their lives. If I was one of the cousins, I'd be horrified to find someone thought it was worth overriding their own family Christmas plans for, with pregnant wife and young children.

Some of the cousins have older children who've joined the tradition too, and now the cousins are older adults who still want to play.

My family always get together on the same date at the same place over Christmas (excluding last year of course) and if any new member of the family - partner, wife or otherwise - didn't like it they just wouldn't attend. Nobody would stop attending because someone new didn't want to join in.

The tradition pre-dates their marriage.

I though you were being awkward until I read what the event was. It sounds grim. It's the sort of thing that's fine when you are all adults but just isn't suitable once you start adding small children to the group.

I think you need to find a way to suggest that their family meet up is maybe on Boxing Day, rather than Christmas Eve in future. But I also think in that case, you should be joining in with it.
Boxing Day isn’t a bad idea actually – it has none of the magic or specialness of Christmas Eve so there’s nothing for OP to feel like she’s missing out on, vs LaserQuest on Christmas Eve means missing out on mince pies for Father Christmas and a cosier evening as she’d prefer. It’s also a post-Christmas excitement thing to look forward to to assuage the disappointment of Boxing Day blahs.

Don’t see why she has to attend something she dislikes though just because she’s married to someone who likes it… It could easily be a fun activity that the DC enjoy with dad and dad’s side of the family, and mum staying at home is part of the tradition.

I don’t think you’re being awkward at all because he hasn’t done it for years so it isn’t something he’s stuck to religiously his whole life or anything. If he hasn’t bothered in the past because he’s booked a holiday, he can not bother this year to go to the activity you booked. Tbh, it’s just a massive communication breakdown really. If he’d told you he wanted to go sooner you wouldn’t have planned your day as you did.

Haven’t rtft but your 2 year old won’t be allowed in laser quest anyhow.

When they’re older I would definitely allow my dc to go with DH, doing things as our little family is all well and good but dc will always have that. I would encourage them to have relationships with other members of their family too, that’s priceless and not something that can be easily forged when they are older.

There’s no way a 2yo should be going to laser quest. He will be way too young to participate, it’s clearly not a suitable thing for toddlers. Your husband should go on his own this year and you have your son with you.

In future when your son is old enough to enjoy it a fair compromise would be to take it turn about so you each get the Christmas Eve you want on alternate years.

I think you are BU, your DS would be surrounding by his family and young cousins.