Am I being awkward or is DH?

[Fretfulmum]

DH has lots of cousins with a wide age range, only a few have their own kids. We have DC aged 2 and another on the way. They have a tradition of doing an activity on Xmas Eve but DH hasn’t been since we’ve been married due to things like us being away and covid last year. It is not my idea of fun and I’ve always stated it’s not something I’d be doing with them. DH is fine with that.
DH and I have discussed starting our own traditions now we have DC. We’ve spoken about Xmas day traditions but not anything on Xmas Eve before. I forgot about his family activity on Xmas Eve and booked a festive treat for oUr DC in the day and planned a cosy Xmas Eve night in as it’s the first Xmas they understand anything at all. DH wasn’t happy as he said he’s planned to go to this activity with his cousins. I said fair enough but I’m still taking DC to the things I’ve planned and creating a cosy evening for them. DH wants to take DC to this activity instead but I really want to be with my DC on Xmas Eve and this activity is not my idea of fun. I don’t want to be home alone without them.
I think DH should grow up and put us first now. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t know if I’m being awkward or not ?

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers The rest of Christmas is just the non-special days, though? Nothing magical about 27th December. It’s clear OP wants to do Christmas Eve activities and build on the excitement of it with her DC – it’s one of my favourite days of the year and personally I’d hate to not see DD for several hours for an activity that can equally be done on any other day. You can’t do Christmas Eve on the 27th. You can do LaserQuest.

At our local one:

[quote stuntbubbles]@Wheresmywoolyjumpers The rest of Christmas is just the non-special days, though? Nothing magical about 27th December. It’s clear OP wants to do Christmas Eve activities and build on the excitement of it with her DC – it’s one of my favourite days of the year and personally I’d hate to not see DD for several hours for an activity that can equally be done on any other day. You can’t do Christmas Eve on the 27th. You can do LaserQuest.[/quote]
Well said.

I think you should rotate it so one year its his choice next year yours thats the fair way

I organise all our social events and plans and I’ve never run it by DH before and he is normally happy to do anything and glad that I’ve planned things. This was only brought up by him after I told him what I’d booked for Xmas Eve. He’s not been for 3 years and I just assumed it wasn’t happening due to covid again this year. Yes I should have checked in hindsight.

I know DC will enjoy it when they’re older. But eighth now they’re too young to make that decision themselves. I think I’ll just let DH take them and let him cope with them running around the venue whilst his family play the game. Then we need to talk about what happens going forward as I don’t think it’s fair I have to spend every Xmas Eve alone because I don’t like the activity and that’s tough

I love the idea of a two year old at laser quest. Mine’s enough of a liability just navigating our house, where she knows the way around, with the lights on. (In all seriousness I think that’s a great Christmas Eve tradition! Your wee one will love that when they’re older and there might be more kids involved by then.)

You are both being awkward, him for failing to realise 2 year olds and pregnant wives can't do lazerquest, you for never wanting him to do his family tradition of seeing extended family. The compromise would have been an activity more suited to the mixed age group or 2 things one more suited to you

The 2yo won't even be allowed in. He will have to sit outside in the waiting area.

You’re being awkward. You say he missed out on it last few years and you seemed to ok it for this year, then forgot? You can go as well, you’re just being difficult and choosing not to

Good point OP about COVID. Sounds like a super-spreader event and a half!

I don't like all this talk about "every other year"... Surely the decision should be made with the children's best interests at heart. Until they are at least 7, that's clearly not Laser Quest, nor is it hanging around the outskirts of a Laser Quest venue being minded by an adult who'd rather be playing the game then getting home late after a long car journey. If your husband wants to go, he can go on his own.

Mine learnt quickly (at the small baby stage) that it's not fair on the child to drag them to an event designed purely for adults, after dark and at some distance.

I don’t understand why you don’t don’t suck it up and just go along, even if you just sit in the reception area.

Or if it’s in some sort of entertainment complex which most of these things are, do something with your kids and meet up with everyone else afterwards.

And also get used to the fact that you’re going to end up doing a lot of stuff that’s really boring because your kids like it.

Put Christmas songs on the car stereo and come home for a snuggly and chilled out evening

You can go as well, you’re just being difficult and choosing not to
Is it difficult to not go to things you actively dislike? She’s also pregnant and might not want a 3-hour round trip on top of an activity she hates.

They're not going to come back for a snuggly and chilled out evening, they're going to come back after bedtime, probably (hopefully!) asleep.

I don’t understand why you don’t don’t suck it up and just go along, even if you just sit in the reception area

Happy bloody Christmas!

@Fretfulmum

The activity is laser quest. They go late afternoon and won’t be home till late after theyve all had burgers. DC will probably fall asleep in the car on the way home and straight to their beds. Laser quest is not my cup of tea and also I’m pregnant so it’s out of question anyway. By the way, I never said to DH he shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t do that. I just said I would like the DC to do things with me as their mother on Xmas eve. If DH wants to join us then fine, it not then also fine.

I can accept it’s me being awkward. I think I’m more upset that I prefer to do things on a small scale and just be out little family. Whereas everything DHs family does has to be all 20 of them all the time and I don’t really like big events like that. I accept i need to get over it

Why is it more important for your DC to do something with you, as their mother, than it is to do something with DH, as their father?

Neither one of us is more important to DC. My idea of a Xmas Eve would involve DH, DC and I. DH knows I wouldn’t go to the activity as I’ve never gone in the 10 years I’ve known him (not my thing at all and I’m not sucking it up to go) so DHs idea of Xmas Eve involves DC, him without me

@Fretfulmum

Neither one of us is more important to DC. My idea of a Xmas Eve would involve DH, DC and I. DH knows I wouldn’t go to the activity as I’ve never gone in the 10 years I’ve known him (not my thing at all and I’m not sucking it up to go) so DHs idea of Xmas Eve involves DC, him without me

So you have different ideas. Compromise is the word you need.

@Fretfulmum

Neither one of us is more important to DC. My idea of a Xmas Eve would involve DH, DC and I. DH knows I wouldn’t go to the activity as I’ve never gone in the 10 years I’ve known him (not my thing at all and I’m not sucking it up to go) so DHs idea of Xmas Eve involves DC, him without me

His family tradition predates you and it's not really fair to ask him to give up something he still wants to partake in.

Presumably you have plenty of time with just your little nuclear family throughout the year (and the Xmas season) so insisting he has to stop doing an extended family tradition that he enjoys seems a bit controlling.

Oh, and there's a fine line between wanting your partner to put you first in every day life, and insisting that you come before their own family and friends.

@CoffeeMuggins

I don’t understand why you don’t don’t suck it up and just go along, even if you just sit in the reception area

Happy bloody Christmas!

Well yeah, if you’re going to be maungy about it. Or you could be excited to hear all about the fun they’ve had for each game, go somewhere fun for food, enjoy the company of family: you know, make the most of it.

@CrispAndFrosty

They're not going to come back for a snuggly and chilled out evening, they're going to come back after bedtime, probably (hopefully!) asleep.

Even better!

The obvious solution is to find someone else in the extended family who's also not into laserquest, and while everyone else plays it go off and do something you both enjoy doing instead.

Well yeah, if you’re going to be maungy about it. Or you could be excited to hear all about the fun they’ve had for each game, go somewhere fun for food, enjoy the company of family: you know, make the most of it.

Bit of an assumption that you can have fun with family tbh. If the family were the sort you can have fun with I would expect them to understand why a pregnant woman might not want to entertain twin toddlers for 3 hours in the foyer of a laser quest and spend 3 hours travelling in order to do so. I doubt any reasonable family would want to pressurise OP into doing that.

@ineedsun having done MANY of those ‘let’s wait on the sidelines and be happy/cheery for them’, I can guarantee you that it’s not as cracked up as it’s meant to be.

It’s not just the waiting around doing nothing. It’s also the fact it’s impossible to actually participate before and afterwards because all the talk is about the activity and you’ll no idea what has been happening.
So basically you stand like a lemon the whole time (remember these are ADULTS going, not your average 5yo). And that’s even if you have an idea of what the activity/what it entails etc….

I refuse to do anything like this anymore.

And of course, that’s wo taking the OP’s circumstances into account, the travel with toddlers, entertaining them etc….