Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Rude 4 year old.

169 replies

ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:05

I'm at my wits end with him. Dc1 is not like it at all, never has been. Ds2 has been doted on,and somewhat indulged as a toddler, by GPS but still had the same upbringing as ds1.

DM picks both dc up from school for me 1 day a week. There is literally no way around this other than me giving up work, and being unable to pay the mortgage.

Each time, I'm getting home to find he's refused to eat dinner, has been rude, and badly behaved. He refuses to say goodbye, or days it in such an offhand unpleasant way. It's upsetting my parents, and it's upsetting me that I'm stuck in this situation.

Hes said that he wants me to pick him up. I do all drop offs and all pick ups apart from this 1

I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:06

Manners are important to me. I wouldn't have dared behave in this way as a child, although I was never smacked or harshly disciplined.

OP posts:
TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 07/12/2021 19:10

Very difficult, I have a 3 year old and haven't got a handle on these sorts of things yet.

I do firmly believe that its not 'bad' parenting though, its luck if you get a well behaved child to a certain extent!!

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/12/2021 19:15

Four is old enough to understand consequences. You need to sit down with him and gps and set out some ramifications for this kind of behaviour.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Behaviour & development Families
Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:15

I did wonder if I was that "good" child. Or I was a wimp.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:17

@TheWayTheLightFalls my mum helps us a lot. She's taken us on holiday, days out, and with childcare.

What consequences though? Early to bed is all I can think that will bother him. (Shares bedroom with older brother , so really notices if goes to bed before him)

OP posts:
IgneousRock · 07/12/2021 19:18

What do they do when he behaves badly? Can you introduce a method of discipline for them to follow (eg time out, or a sticker chart for good behaviour with a little prize when he reaches 5 stickers)?

Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:19

Sorry - I meant she helps us a lot so it feels a real kick in the teeth for him to behave so badly for her.

OP posts:
IgneousRock · 07/12/2021 19:19

Cross post. Yes, early bed if you think that would work for him. The important thing is to make the actions and consequences clear (ie more specific than just "you've been naughty") and to follow through every time (after one warning).

velvetstar · 07/12/2021 19:19

You might find it helps to Google 'restraint collapse'. It's really common in 4yr olds and chances are you are managing your sons behaviour to help him without even realising it but your parents likely aren't. It's now becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Manners are really important to me too OP but if he's good with them the rest of the time I'd suggest cutting him some slack and talking to your parents about what happens when they pick him up. Do they ask him lots of questions, give him lots of instructions etc. Good luck.

Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:29

@IgneousRock I'm not sure what they do really. My mum is quite patient.

I think there may be an element of everyone expecting him to just take stuff in his stride, because he appears to. He struggled to settle in at school when he started, really unexpected. His brother is the more typically sensitive worrier.

So yes he may well be acting out, and I need to find a way to help him/GPS manage it

OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 19:31

Wow it sounds like a real clash but in not sure I could call a four year old child "rude".
Manners take an awfully long time to learn and let's face it many adults are still learning.

I think your expecting too much of him and I'd be concerned how your parents speak to him eg reinforcing a type of behaviour without realising it. Eg pick that up, no, pick it up you don't want to be lazy do you? Don't care, ok so your lazy then.

Rather than jolly ing along. Its unfair to compare dc.
Mine are so different, my 9 year old has more road sense than my teen. My 9 year old is safer in the kitchen.
My 9 year old is better at brushing her teeth etc.

GiantKitten · 07/12/2021 19:33

Hes said that he wants me to pick him up. I do all drop offs and all pick ups apart from this

Hm.

Might be worth spelling out to him that this isn’t going to happen any time soon, and also that if he continues to be rude and stroppy with your parents he’ll find that other things he wants won’t be happening either…

The pointed early night on the days he behaves badly sounds like an excellent place to start.

Good luck, I hope you can sort this out soon Flowers

EllieSattler · 07/12/2021 19:35

What exactly is he doing wrong? Can your mum restructure the evening - just get him home from school and have a light (very) early tea - sandwich, beans or eggs on toast type thing? Sounds like he misses you , doesn't like the food/eats too late and so is too hungry and tired to pretend to give a shit by pick up time.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 19:35

Welly just drop all expectations and sort of let him be, the last thing you want to do is get into trench war fare with toddlers!
Drop right back, ask him what he wants for dinner, give him choice. If he doesn't want it say kindly, fine... Then leave it.

Don't force a goodbye... Let him calm down and have a different experience there then see how that goes and slowly try and get him to perform what tricks you want him too.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 19:36

Oh gosh giant kitten would you really be so incredibly hard on a four year old who just wants his mum? Really??

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 19:38

Learning manners is a life long he's four! I can't believe some of these posts!
Maybe he's so stressed at school for goodness sake! Maybe your mum scares him!

Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:43

He absolutely is rude. He's almost 5, and knows exactly what he is doing.

I get that he wants me, and 9/10 school drop off/pick ups he has me . He had an excellent relationship with his GPS, prior to school stayed over with them once a week (and often chose to stay a second night).

So yes it may well be his post school tiredness/missing me etc.

The dinner he had tonight was one of his favourites. He refused it saying he didn't like it. Hadntbtouched it when I got in. Eventually went to eat half of it after I'd been home a while.

Mum feeds them whatever I ask/leave and does it so it's not too late

OP posts:
GiantKitten · 07/12/2021 19:43

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Oh gosh giant kitten would you really be so incredibly hard on a four year old who just wants his mum? Really??
Is it incredibly hard? Mum needs to work, grandparents need to pick him up, those are facts of his life atm 🤷🏼‍♀️
Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:44

My mum doesn't scare him. She's very good with him.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/12/2021 19:48

Four is the age of defiance in many children so much of this is normal developmental stuff.

Honestly it just sounds as though he's trying to gain a sense of control in a life where he has very little or none.

School is exhausting for small children and they will all express it in their own ways.

Perhaps reframe the behaviour as communication and try to listen more than instruct. Offer two options so they can gain a sense of agency.

It will pass!

Thesearmsofmine · 07/12/2021 19:49

He is only four, that’s really little and it sounds like he misses you which is totally normal at that age after a long day at school which I imagine he is still getting used to and at this point in the year he will be really tired after his first term.

Could you leave him a little note for when he gets home, something so he knows you will be home soon with the promise of a big cuddle when you get home and ask him to pick out a book for bedtime.

If he doesn’t eat his dinner then that’s no big deal, if it is something he likes and he has been offered it. I wouldn’t make a fuss about it. Not eating much dinner once a week won’t hurt him.

The goodbye thing is something all of my children went through, I ignored the silly goodbyes and the phase passed quickly enough. He probably likes the reaction he gets.

Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:51

@50ShadesOfCatholic I was actually just thinking that it is defiance.

I know he is still very young.

OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 19:52

"spell out to himself if he continues to be rude other things won't be happening either"... Behavior. Is. Communication.

I'm sorry op but you need to listen to this behaviour not come down like a tone deaf ton of bricks on him.

Sometimes for the most bizzare reason children can take agaisnt people.

And if you keep forcing things it won't end well.

Your mother could be Mary Poppins but four year old are bloody four and not rational. Give him a break.

Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:55

I was thinking I might get mum to give me a call so we can have a little chat when they get home, and the note is a good idea too, thank you

OP posts:
Flamingolingo · 07/12/2021 19:55

Have you tried doing him a timeline, or something a bit like a social story? He’s still very little and they get worried about odd things, it could be that he thinks you’re not coming or he doesn’t know when. If you can work out a routine with your mum that might help, eg granny collects > go to granny’s house > snack > activity > dinner > mummy collects - it might help if he knows what to expect and can also find himself on the timeline.