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Original poster

Rude 4 year old.

169 replies

ImFree2doasiwant · 07/12/2021 19:05

I'm at my wits end with him. Dc1 is not like it at all, never has been. Ds2 has been doted on,and somewhat indulged as a toddler, by GPS but still had the same upbringing as ds1.

DM picks both dc up from school for me 1 day a week. There is literally no way around this other than me giving up work, and being unable to pay the mortgage.

Each time, I'm getting home to find he's refused to eat dinner, has been rude, and badly behaved. He refuses to say goodbye, or days it in such an offhand unpleasant way. It's upsetting my parents, and it's upsetting me that I'm stuck in this situation.

Hes said that he wants me to pick him up. I do all drop offs and all pick ups apart from this 1

I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 08/12/2021 07:45

Many of the things suggested we already do. I have just said i was upset when i posted, so maybe it wasn't worded how you would have preferred. I came for advice and am taking it on board. Have you read my posts at all?

OP posts:
whitehorsesdonotlie · 08/12/2021 07:53

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Oh gosh giant kitten would you really be so incredibly hard on a four year old who just wants his mum? Really??
What did she say that was 'incredibly hard'?? She was sensible. There have to be some consequences. A child of almost 5 is old enough to understand that.
Pumperthepumper · 08/12/2021 07:54

@whitehorsesdonotlie no he isn’t. A four year old will not connect a punishment with poor behaviour, because he can’t control his behaviour anyway. Punishing him in retrospect for behaviour he can’t control won’t work. It’ll just make him more unhappy.

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Behaviour & development Families
whitehorsesdonotlie · 08/12/2021 08:00

Punishing a four year old for his behaviour is not showing him love. It’s showing an incredible lack of understanding of that four year old. It’s expecting him to make the connection hours later for behaviour his very young brain made him do.

He's more than old enough to know you don't shout 'shut up' for hours at Nanny. Or any other adult.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 08/12/2021 08:01

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Four year older children are not rude.

They can't be because they are four.

Have you met any 4yo children??? Of course they can be rude, and know they are being rude. What a ridiculous thing to say.
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 08:50

It's not ridiculous because he can't articulate what's upsetting him like a rational adult.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 08:56

You said you already do the things posted but you really need to shake off your ideas of what he should be doing and look at things through his eyes.
Your mum maybe St Theresa but one small thing she is unwittingly doing could be setting him off. It could be, as listed earlier any number of things but your in a hiding to absolutely nothing if you think he's rude, want to punish him for being rude to mum, out of order, plain horrible.... And yet to him, your lovely mum could be handling him slightly wrong, rubbing him up the wrong way and to him it's his worst day of the week, his heart sinks when he sees her.... She starts doing that "thing" she won't get it... And he's going to have another bad day with him already feeling terrible and now everyone is going to be cross with him and to add injury to insult.. They will force him to say goodbye and make it all worse.

Pumperthepumper · 08/12/2021 09:09

@whitehorsesdonotlie

Punishing a four year old for his behaviour is not showing him love. It’s showing an incredible lack of understanding of that four year old. It’s expecting him to make the connection hours later for behaviour his very young brain made him do.

He's more than old enough to know you don't shout 'shut up' for hours at Nanny. Or any other adult.

But punishing him won’t change that. It won’t stop him.
Original poster
ImFree2doasiwant · 08/12/2021 11:10

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas what on earth are you on about? Really, don't bother posting if you can't be arsed to actually read my posts.

Nowhere have I said its a forced goodbye. Nowhere have I said pretty much ANYTHING that you've mentioned in your post. You're determined to see the worst of this.

OP posts:
Wnikat · 08/12/2021 11:18

He’s just started school. Give the kid a break. As PP says, Google Restraint collapse and come up with some coping mechanisms for your parents to try.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 14:43

I have read your posts, have you read any of mine?

I've explained to you about my dd and her misophina, how that could have been deemed rude... But there was a trigger. I could have gone off at the deep end, punished her, reprimanded her, denied her dinner because she's stormed off from the table etc. Or we can use our brains and think and not take it personally and remember they are children.

You keep saying most things have been done I assume you mean snacks etc?
There doesn't seem to be much acknowledgement that as lovely as I'm sure your mum is, something might be just setting him off?

And the advice has been to back off.. Don't expect anything from him let things calm down and remind set and go from there.

I find posts about punishments etc quite upsetting when he's clearly unhappy with something and he's four and can't understand what is making him upsetting or can't articulate it.
There are is many things that could be causing is and I Csnt for the life of me understand wading in with reprimands and punishments when you simply do not know what is triggering him.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 14:44
  • also op we are not having a private chat here my posts are for any one reading and I'm shocked by some of the replies on here.
StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 08/12/2021 15:07

@ImFree2doasiwant my daughter can be a bit like this with others.
She is now 7 but it started when she was 5 with her aunt who she sees a lot and my parents.
We worked out that she was better if she didn't feel pressure to engage on their terms. So perhaps you and your son could pick something the night before for him to show or play with granny the following day. My daughter would choose a book or perhaps a toy and then I would set it out so she saw it when she got home and remembered. This helped create calm and for her to feel in control.
Mine also have a blanket each and when they feel cross it helps to calm them and to have quiet time. Is there a Teddy or cuddly that you or your mum could suggest your son sits with if he's feeling out of sorts.

BeaMends · 08/12/2021 15:31

He's 4. He's well old enough to be read the riot act with a raised voice.

beautifulgirls · 08/12/2021 16:19

Praise and reward the good, ignore the bad. Ensure the other well behaved older child also gets the praise and reward for good behaviour and that the younger one sees his sibling doing so. Give him a reason to behave, something to work for.

Embracelife · 08/12/2021 17:00

@BeaMends

He's 4. He's well old enough to be read the riot act with a raised voice.
Sure. He shouts. You shout back. Way to go. (Not)
Pumperthepumper · 08/12/2021 17:57

@BeaMends

He's 4. He's well old enough to be read the riot act with a raised voice.
Shouting will definitely teach him not to shout, excellent idea.
readwhatiactuallysay · 08/12/2021 18:56

I know @whitehorsesdonotlie, i work with this age group and they definately know. They know what being unkind is, what being rude is and they know our rules and when they are breaking them.
Its almost like some on here have never dealt with 4 year olds, its just so unrealistic whats being said and some are just spoiling for an argument.

Shouting at your nanny and the other things the OPs child are doing, are not ok and all our 4 year olds know its wrong to shout, they still do it occassionslly and we reprimand them for it and we show them how to tell us they are unhappy or angry. Not shouting, throwing tantrums and stomping of feet.

OP, he may be tired from school, he may he sad that things have changed with nanny but keep teaching him how to communicate positively and not in the way he is, talking is good, praise that, all the other stuff needs to keep being corrected.

Saz12 · 08/12/2021 22:35

Your poor mum! That must be difficult for her.

Does he understand that neither you nor his DF can pick him up on that one day? Could you say “it’s nanny or we’ll need to find you a childminder”, to give him a feeling that he has a choice? Dangerous game if he says “childminder!” and there isn’t anything available though...!

You could calmly explain - it upsets nanny when he speaks to her like that. You understand that he wants you to pick him up and is angry it’s a nanny day, but that doesn’t make it OK to say /do mean things that hurt her feelings. You get that he’s angry that nanny has cooked dinner and not you, but nanny has made him a lovely dinner of his favourites so he might as well try to enjoy it. Explain very very clearly that it’s not nanny’s fault that Mummy and Daddy have to work, so it’s not fair to take his temper out on her.

What does your mum do /say when he’s shouting “shut up” at her? Could you agree an approach with her - eg she calmly tells him to “That’s enough now. Have a sip of water and calm down” and if he can’t / won’t settle ultimately is sent to his room for 5 minutes to calm down, or whatever approach fits you all.

Next time, if it’s a favourite meal and he refuses it, then that’s fine - but if he’s hungry later there’s only toast /porridge/boring food available, as you thought he told nanny he didn’t want his dinner. Missing out as a result of poor behaviour is a fair lesson imo.

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