Would you be ok with your kids calling someone else mum?

[PositivelyFooked]

Lighthearted - although morbid.

Me and DP led in bed talking about the kids and I asked how quickly he think he would be able to move on if I died during childbirth (morbid I know, I’m 24 weeks pregnant and read a story the other day about a mother who sadly died during childbirth from blood loss and it got me thinking)

Which then turned into “would you encourage the kids to call them mum?” This is something that sticks with me a lot because it makes me feel so selfish. I am their mum, I’d be heartbroken if they called someone else mum. I would encourage him to move on when he’s ready as having a mum-figure in their lives would be nice - but I am their mum and I don’t want to be replaced or forgotten.

Is that really selfish? Does it matter if they’re called mum or.. Cindy?(for example purposes)

Obviously once I’m dead there’s really not a lot I can do about it, nor will I even know. But the thought my makes my stomach tense up!

I wouldn't want my children calling anyone else mummy. That's my role and if I died: husband remarried or whatever any step mother should have a different title.

Likely more so if id died in childbirth.

Op I can't imagine dwelling on a conversation like that in pregnancy - and it's a bit unkind of your husband to make the mum comment. Put it out of your head and think about something else.

Completely normal. I would feel exactly the same, and do have almost whole life step parents who are very dear to me. Neither is anything other than first name. It doesn't take away anything from the relationship.

My dd lives with amazing foster carers who she call Mum and Dad and I’m fine with it because if she chooses to call them that then they are doing a good job . If she’s happy I’m happy .
She calls them by their names in front and to me coz she says she doesn’t feel it’s fair to me when I’m her real Mum .
She’s 14 and this is her decision .

My ds has a friend whose mum died when he was about 6/7/8. He dad remarried and his ds calls her mum. Ds is 15 now. He knows very well that she is not his mum but she is kind to him and brings him up as her own.

I think I’d be more agog at the thought of dh getting together with a Cindy, tbh! (No offence to all the lovely Cindys out there). My children are too old to want anyone to replace me as a mother figure when I’m gone. They’d never call anyone else ‘mum’.

No of course there should be no one else they call mum
They just call them by their name

@JennyForeigner exactly my thoughts. They can have a wonderful relationship with the (theoretical) next women in his life; but first names only would be my wish.

The same really if we ever separated. I had a dream not long after my first was born that we had gone our separate ways and I went to pick up DD from his house and she shouted “bye mummy!” to his girlfriend.. it’s haunted me ever since!😂

@Snipples Oh no, DP didn’t make these comments of if they’ll call her mum or if it makes me selfish, that’s pretty much all me.. except my sister who said it would be cruel to not let them have a ‘mum’ in their life. But she’s 18 and has no children so technically her opinion doesn’t count, so she’s forgiven 😂

I'd want them to have a mum even if not me. And if they wanted to call her mum I wouldn't want dh to stop them.

I used to think like this when my kids were young. Now they are older (10 & 18) or maybe now i am older, I feel differently.

I think if I died I would be fine with them calling someone else mum. I would want them to have someone they were close enough to that they felt close enough that they called them mum.

I would want someone to help fill that void.

I don't think yabu though. It's very personal.

My children are older so it's not a scenario that could arise but I don't think that's colouring my answer.
If I'd died when they were very young I think I would have desperately wanted them to have a happy life - I think that would have been more likely probably if my DH had found someone else and got remarried. And if that was the case and they wanted to call her mum then I think I would be glad that they had someone taking my place and hopefully being a good "mother" to them.

Nope - I’ve worked too hard raising them by myself and there’s no way I’d ever be okay with them calling someone else mum. I wear that title with pride.

I'm pregnant with my first. I can understand where you're coming from and when I read the title my thought was "oh hell no!"
But actually upon reading your post I changed my mind. I think if for any reason a parent isn't around or able to actively be a parent and another person is filling that void on a day to day basis that I agree with the child calling them whatever they feel is best.
In my family with have a few step-parents who are the only dad that child knows and has been called dad by the child, or now adult. All know that man is not their biological dad but choose to call them dad and these dad's love them and care for their step children as though they are their own.

If I died at childbirth or later on I'd be more keen on my child having a loving supportive mother than on my DP having a new woman... but maybe that's just me and yeah I realise one can't really happen without the other. I'd suck it up for DCs benefit.

But think about it from the child’s point of view. If they didn’t call their fathers new partner Mum they’d have to explain to every single person that their Mummy was dead. Kids at school, their parents, new teachers, random people in shops etc. If it was “Daddy and Cindy” people would ask where their Mummy is as they just assume it’s a divorce situation. Nobody knows how to react to a young child saying “my Mummy died.”

A girl I went to school with died very young when her DD was 6 months old. Her DH remarried a few years later and they had more kids and the first DD calls her Mum. I would think it a bit sad if she didn't have anyone else to call Mum since she never knew her own.

100% I would want my kids to call someone else Mum if I died. How sad to not love and be loved again by someone called Mum. And to have to deal with everyone else's curiosity about why you call your Mum Cindy.

I am trying to work out what changed my mind from 'no absolutely not' to 'yes I would want that'

And I think its 2 things

Dp grew up with only a step mum who he never viewed as a mum and not having a mum has really impacted him.

Buy also my mums best friend died in her late 40s leaving a 12 year old son behind. The dad never was in a long term relationship again. Again, it's left its mark.

If having someone they really wanted to call mum in their life, helped them I would want that.

@HappyMcflappy so I do just get forgotten in that scenario? that person will assume they’re their biological mother. I’d want to still be openly talked about being their mum, I’d be gutted if someone didn’t ask about me - I died, I wasn’t a monster 😂

Again I think that might be a selfish streak. But I personally wouldn’t pry a child about their ‘mum’ of they introduced me to daddy and Cindy; perhaps I’d ask the dad or a mutual friend. Even then if a child openly told me their mummy was dead/in heaven ect. I wouldn’t find that hard to talk about it. I feel if they’re open enough to say it (gaging their emotion when telling would be good) then I’d acknowledge them and turn the conversation back to wherever it was I guess.

But I can sort of see your point. It’s just a bit heartbreaking to me

If it was right for the children it'd be fine by me.

If I was dead…
I honestly think if they wanted to call her that (and not because she wanted them to) then I wouldn’t mind and would be happy they had a mother figure.
I doubt that older kids would though, surely would feel strange to them

Yes so I want to emphasise in my original post about encouraging or suggesting calling another woman Mum rather than letting it happen naturally.

My children are young (2 and due in March) - so if they naturally began calling someone mum/mummy I wouldn’t want them to be told to stop, or corrected. That would be awful, although it would still make me sad.. I’d never want them to feel like they can’t call them Jim if that’s what they want.

I just wouldn’t want DP suggesting or encouraging them to call them mum.

Yes, If I died in childbirth or when baby was v tiny I would absolutely want them to have a mum. If that is someone else, my heart is broken, but above that I would wish for them to have a living, breathing mummy to love and protect them, to give them that security and all the wonderful things experienced between mother and child.

A relative of mine, her mother died when she was 3 months old. Her father remarried two years later. She has always called the wife 'mum'. They have a strong and loving bond, shared interests (both artistic) and have a lot of fun together as mother and daughter. I think my relative who died would be thankful that her daughter has had a secure and happy upbringing despite the great sadness. She is 30 now, same age her mother was when she passed. It was hard for the parents of deceased relative for many years, they were very involved and had to refer to the new mother as 'mummy' etc while grieving their daughter. But it was always amicable.

HappyMcflappyso I do just get forgotten in that scenario?that person will assume they’re their biological mother. I’d want to still be openly talked about being their mum, I’d be gutted if someone didn’t ask about me - I died, I wasn’t a monster

But with all due respect, to someone who met your child, partner and their new partner and befriended them probably wouldn't consider you at all.

You would be someone they had never met. They would view your oartnee and new partner as the primary family. They would probably only think about you if you were brought up by your partner. And then it wouldn't stick with them.

Your child or partner wouldn't forget you because someone else was called mum by the child.

While I'm alive I wouldn't like it but if I died and another woman stepped up to raise my child I'd be glad my son had someone who loved and cared for him enough for him to want to call her mum.

Obviously it's not a nice thought, but I wouldn't want to deprive them of the chance to be loved by another woman who could be a good mum to them. And if it felt natural for them to call her mum, so be it.

Sometimes I think I'm a bit selfish, but this post changed my mind. I would absolutely want my children to call another woman mummy if I was dead. I actively want my children to have a loving family, biological or not. I don't care if it erased me. It's about what is best for them, not (dead) me. I'm sure they would talk about their mummy who died to those who they were close to. Do I care that strangers wouldn't know their mother died because they called someone else mummy? Nope. Not one iota.
I just want my children to be loved.