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Original poster

Would you be ok with your kids calling someone else mum?

93 replies

PositivelyFooked · 28/11/2021 22:10

Lighthearted - although morbid.

Me and DP led in bed talking about the kids and I asked how quickly he think he would be able to move on if I died during childbirth (morbid I know, I’m 24 weeks pregnant and read a story the other day about a mother who sadly died during childbirth from blood loss and it got me thinking)

Which then turned into “would you encourage the kids to call them mum?” This is something that sticks with me a lot because it makes me feel so selfish. I am their mum, I’d be heartbroken if they called someone else mum. I would encourage him to move on when he’s ready as having a mum-figure in their lives would be nice - but I am their mum and I don’t want to be replaced or forgotten.

Is that really selfish? Does it matter if they’re called mum or.. Cindy?(for example purposes)

Obviously once I’m dead there’s really not a lot I can do about it, nor will I even know. But the thought my makes my stomach tense up!

OP posts:

Courtier · 28/11/2021 22:50

Yes. If they were raised by another woman and I wasn't around I think it would be nice that they had a mum around and called her as such.

Starcaller · 28/11/2021 22:58

Thinking about it is upsetting but in that scenario I would be dead so what upsets me is irrelevant. I'm not there anymore. And I think a very young child in that situation shouldn't lose the opportunity that other children have to have a mum, if someone is able to step up and fill that role. So while the thought of it is tough, yes I would want my DD to call someone else mum if she deserved that title and my DD was too young to remember me.

saraclara · 28/11/2021 22:58

If children are babies or very young when a parent dies, and the remaining parent remarries, I think that it's likely that the children will end up naturally wanting to call the 'new' person mum, or dad. It would be cruel to tell them they can't.

Their memory of the original parent will be hazy or non-existent, but this person loves and cares for them, and there's a gap in their family nomenclature. They will want this person to be mum or dad. Saying that they can't, is basically saying to them that they SHOULD have a hole in their lives, and that they can't love and accept love from this person in the way they want to.

I know it's agony to imagine this, but we'd be dead and those children need to have a happy life and family structure. Our wish from the grave could prevent that, and would be cruel.

My only wish should I die, is that my kids get over the awfulness of grief and have a happy and fulfilled life around people who love them.

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gogohm · 28/11/2021 23:00

I think it's up to the children themselves. My friends ds called her partner dad after a couple of years, her dd took 8 years. Their father died. My friends dp earned his title from being their dad in all but name, not even legally of course, it's an honour

Tumbleweed101 · 28/11/2021 23:04

If you died in childbirth and they got a step mum to raise them then that would be the only 'mum' they would know in the real sense of the word. That would be the person loving and caring for them day to day. They would know that they had a mum who they were born to and if their father did it well they would have all the memories and photos stored and be able to talk about you openly, but you would be a stranger to them simply because they had never had the chance to meet you in real life.
It is sad and horrible to even contemplate but the child would be the important person and the one whose needs had to be met. Not someone who was dead.

If you had been mum to them long enough for them to remember you then of course you would always be 'mum' to them.

SilkLabrador · 28/11/2021 23:34

I'd want what fucked up my kids the least.
I'd be dead. They wouldn't.

Even if it were just divorce, I would want my kids to do what made them feel ok. Not me, they're the bigger picture.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/11/2021 23:44

My dc are 7 and 9 so I don't think they would call anyone else mummy. However, had I died when they were tiny, I would be absolutely ok with them having a new mum. As long as they chose it. I would want them to have another mother.

Different with divorce, I think. If I was still in their lives, they wouldn't call another woman mummy.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 28/11/2021 23:55

Well for starters if you were dead it wouldn’t affect you in anyway so what you want wouldnt matter. You wouldn’t feel any pain by it.

Secondly I have relatives whose father was killed when they were small children and their mother married again, they grew to think of their step father as dad, loved him as a dad and called him dad. He loved them as his children, raised them just like a dad raises his children. He was their dad. As far as they are concerned they had two dads.

Atmywitsend29 · 28/11/2021 23:56

If I'm dead I don't know.
However the hugely irrational part of me is very much against ds ever calling anyone else mum, or DH ever remarrying if I died

Porcupineintherough · 29/11/2021 00:00

@ElEmEnOhPee

While I'm alive I wouldn't like it but if I died and another woman stepped up to raise my child I'd be glad my son had someone who loved and cared for him enough for him to want to call her mum.

^^This

Honeyroar · 29/11/2021 00:04

If you’re dead it doesn’t matter. Just because they want to call someone else mum doesn’t mean that they won’t know that their real mum died, that their real mum loved them etc. The new partner isn’t going to lie to them and blank out your existence. She’s just going to make your child feel loved and part of the family. You’d always be part of their history.
Anyway it’s a bit of a daft conversation to have. Not worth getting upset over.

newmumwithquestions · 29/11/2021 00:13

If anything happens to me I would want them to feel close enough to; and loved enough by; someone else to call her mum.

MilkTooth · 29/11/2021 00:19

@Darkpheonix

HappyMcflappyso I do just get forgotten in that scenario?that person will assume they’re their biological mother. I’d want to still be openly talked about being their mum, I’d be gutted if someone didn’t ask about me - I died, I wasn’t a monster

But with all due respect, to someone who met your child, partner and their new partner and befriended them probably wouldn't consider you at all.

You would be someone they had never met. They would view your oartnee and new partner as the primary family. They would probably only think about you if you were brought up by your partner. And then it wouldn't stick with them.

Your child or partner wouldn't forget you because someone else was called mum by the child.

This.

I’d want DS to have someone to mother him, and he could call her whatever he lined if she was helping to bring him up with love.

MrsMiddleMother · 29/11/2021 00:31

As long as my child wanted to call them mum and it wasn't because of them or the dad then I wouldn't mind. I'd be grateful they had a woman they bonded with enough to call mum in their lives.

stinkycheeseman · 29/11/2021 00:42

It's very nuanced though, my kids are older, I have put more effort in. I wouldn't want them to switch to mum with some new person. If I had died while they were babies I would imagine dh would hook up with the first female substitute he could and she would shoulder the parenting load. She would probably deserve that title. And I wouldn't begrudge it. Now they are older, no one would take it on.

Dilemmmmma · 29/11/2021 01:06

I have 2 kids that call me mum that aren't mine. I hope their mum doesn't mind but even if she would have done, I'm not going to stop it. I didn't encourage or suggest it, they did it of their own accord. Initially the eldest felt bad about it I think but we tried to come up with a name for me but nothing stuck. I told her that her mum wouldn't mind, I hope I'm right.

DriftingBlue · 29/11/2021 01:14

As long as I am alive, I would be upset for my dc to call another woman “mum”. My own child is too old for a new guardian to really become a mother.

If I had died while they were young though, that would be a completely different situation. I would want my child to feel no sense of separation or boundaries with whoever was raising her.

FindingMeno · 29/11/2021 05:46

Even if through divorce and so still alive I wouldn't have an issue with my children calling another woman mum, so long as it was their choice.

PatchworkElmer · 29/11/2021 05:58

If someone helped bring them up/ was a mother figure and I wasn’t around any more, I think it’d make sense for them to call the ‘new’ woman Mum. I’d just want them to be happy.

liveforsummer · 29/11/2021 06:10

If I died during childbirth I'd absolutely hope my dc had a mother figure. The idea of them going through life never being able to call someone 'mum' makes me more sad than the thought of me being replaced. My friend and her partner have full custody of her partners 3 dc. They don't see their real mum. They came to live with them aged 4 and 7 so not even babies who don't know any different, and all 3 call her mum out of choice. They'd be heartbroken if they'd been stopped from doing so. I think it gives them a sense of belonging. They'd feel awfully left out from their siblings if they were forced to call her by her name whilst siblings were calling her mum.

sunnyandshare · 29/11/2021 06:20

The sad reality is that if you died in childbirth then you'd just be a memory that other people hold of you - the child has never known you for them to feel that you are mum and that is only reserved for you. I wouldn't mind in that situation my dc calling someone else mum. If I ever found out that I was terminally ill I'd want to make sure that dh's priority would be to find someone who was happy to take on the dc as her own and be mum to them.

Jabvribt · 29/11/2021 06:22

I’d be upset but I’d want my DC to feel able to call someone mum because it’d be bad enough not to have their biological mum so I wouldn’t want to take away from them the opportunity to call someone else mum. I wouldn’t expect DH to encourage children to call someone mum but if they chose to that would be a good sign in my eyes

liveforsummer · 29/11/2021 06:23

@PositivelyFooked

Yes so I want to emphasise in my original post about encouraging or suggesting calling another woman Mum rather than letting it happen naturally.

My children are young (2 and due in March) - so if they naturally began calling someone mum/mummy I wouldn’t want them to be told to stop, or corrected. That would be awful, although it would still make me sad.. I’d never want them to feel like they can’t call them Jim if that’s what they want.

I just wouldn’t want DP suggesting or encouraging them to call them mum.

You kind of contradicted this when you said

exactly my thoughts. They can have a wonderful relationship with the (theoretical) next women in his life; but first names only would be my wish.

Realistically a baby and even within a year or 2, a 2 year old wouldn't know any different. Would see everyone else calling the person they lived with 'mum' and would be very unlikely to need any encouragement. It would just come naturally

covidvaccinequestion123 · 29/11/2021 06:25

@Sally872

I'd want them to have a mum even if not me. And if they wanted to call her mum I wouldn't want dh to stop them.

This ^ although thinking about it makes me feel jealous and a bit sick. I wouldn't be there to feel jealous though.

bjjgirl · 29/11/2021 06:29

If I was dead I would hope beyond hope that my dc would have someone in their life they love enough to call mum

It's not about my feelings, it's theirs

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