Would you be ok with your kids calling someone else mum?

[PositivelyFooked]

Lighthearted - although morbid.

Me and DP led in bed talking about the kids and I asked how quickly he think he would be able to move on if I died during childbirth (morbid I know, I’m 24 weeks pregnant and read a story the other day about a mother who sadly died during childbirth from blood loss and it got me thinking)

Which then turned into “would you encourage the kids to call them mum?” This is something that sticks with me a lot because it makes me feel so selfish. I am their mum, I’d be heartbroken if they called someone else mum. I would encourage him to move on when he’s ready as having a mum-figure in their lives would be nice - but I am their mum and I don’t want to be replaced or forgotten.

Is that really selfish? Does it matter if they’re called mum or.. Cindy?(for example purposes)

Obviously once I’m dead there’s really not a lot I can do about it, nor will I even know. But the thought my makes my stomach tense up!

You would be dead, so you wouldn't know.

But if I had died when the dc were young and another woman had lived with them, loved them and helped bring them up, she would be their mum as much as I am.

It is maybe a bit different now the dc are older.

If I died I would want dp and our dc to do whatever made their lives happier. I would certainly want them to have a mum if that was an option. Their happiness is far more important than any thoughts about being forgotten about.

If this happened and my dc had someone in their lives who they wanted to call mum I think I could only be glad that they had another person who loved them and who they loved.

I think you should have it written into your will that she has to be known as ‘Cindy’.

🤣

Seriously though. I think this is something that everyone would find hugely difficult and there’s no right answer.

@Sally872

I'd want them to have a mum even if not me. And if they wanted to call her mum I wouldn't want dh to stop them.

Agree with this.

I just wouldn’t want DP suggesting or encouraging them to call them mum.

In the scenario you describe (dying in childbirth or when children are very young) I’d actually be upset if my DH did anything to make the children think they weren’t allowed to call someone else who they loved and who loved them ‘Mum’. I’d haunt him from the grave for being a selfish git and not putting our DC’s feelings and emotional security first if he tried to stop it. If he’s going to bring another woman into their lives in a mothering role, he’d better be damn sure they’re up to the job of being called Mum.

I'm quite surprised by some of the results to be honest.

Obviously if I am still alive, then no-one else should be mum.

But if I died, especially if I died when they were too young to remember me/know me, then I would really hope that they had a Mum. Everyone needs a Mum, and that is as much a role as a person. I am not there, I can't wipe tears and give cuddles etc, and so I would really really want them to have a Mum. Not just someone who is like an aunty, but someone that they really feel is their Mum.

Like an adopted child needs a Mum and to be able to call them Mum. That doesn't take away from the birth mother, but it does massively acknowledge that they need someone to be Mum.

So, quite the opposite to the OP, I hope and pray that if I die, my dh would find the right person to be a Mum to my kids, and that she would genuinely love them, dare I say it, as much as me.

I can see where you're coming from but it wouldn't be your or your dh's decision to make. He could encourage them to call step parent by name but if the dc wanted to call them mum then it's unfair not to let them.

I wouldn't want them to be 'encouraged' into calling someone else mum that sounds awful, like they're being coerced. But if it was their choice and they had a wonderful step mum then that would be fantastic for them so I think it would be pretty selfish to not want them to under those circumstances. Maybe I'm only saying that though because mine's a teen so too old for it to be an issue.

Isn't it about what the child wants to do though?

While it's heartbreaking to think of dying while your child's young, surely it's even more heartbreaking to think of her growing up without someone to call 'Mum'? You're looking at this from your own point of view, but you need to look at it from your daughter's.

Op you need to think of nicer things especially when pregnant; bloody hell. I wouldnt like it but the thought of not being there for my young children is far worse! If they had somebody that cared for them and supported dh id ve grateful for that. The thought of everyone struggling is devastating.

If bereaved dc get a second Mum who loves them it is an absolute blessing and never a replacement of their biological parent. No two relationships are the same.

If I died I'd want my DC to call someone else mum.

I'd want them to feel as close as they can to a mother figure so long as she's a nice person

My DC are older, so there's no way someone else would become Mum

With younger DC, I know that I'd be glad they had a mother figure in their lives. But yes, the thought of them using exactly the same name gives me a pang. So I would hope that as I was 'mummy' when they were small, their second mother would be 'mum' or 'ma' - I think even a small difference matters

Ohhh this would be hard.

My DSD once referred to me as her second mum and I had to nicely correct her. She's non NT so that may explain why she said what she said. I know her mum would be upset had she heard it. You have to be really clear with kids in terms of roles and responsibilities in step families and I just explained she will only ever have one mum and she's lucky to have such a lovely mummy. I'm just a added bonus adult (which she said was a mouthful 😅) so we stick to just "candles".

If this was my DD I would want a mum figure for her if I died but my god I would hate the thought of someone else being called mummy. I would hope another women would be respectful of my memory if I died and treat my DD with kindness.

Hard though

If I died, I'd want them to have another Mum. They ideally would go to my Mum so would probably stick to grandma though. However if something happened to my Mum and they went to other friends/family/Foster care, I would want them to feel close enough to call someone Mum.

When my ex was having contact, over my dead body was my children calling the other woman Mum. It was a hill I'd of died on as I am here and I am their Mum. But then again, now ex is not involved, if I found someone else and they were all ok and comfortable with it, I'd be happy for them to call them Dad.

The answers on this thread are interesting as when I recently started a thread about a friend who will be raising a deceased siblings baby, the answers overwhelmingly suggested they should call her mum.
Most people said that the baby deserved a mother, and for all intents and purposes now my friend was the childs mum.

My best friend died from a heart attack totally unexpectedly when her DD was 13 months. Her DH met someone else about 18 months later (who was 15 years younger than him), they married and DD is now 12. She calls her step-mum by her name. It's all fine- they get on really well and her step-mum deliberately helps her get to know her mum- brings her to stay with us, with her mum's brother (mum's parents dead), has helped her make a photo album of her mum.

I think it's sad. DD does not remember her mum at all. Her step-mum has been her mum, has brought her up (dad is a farmer and out all hours working on the farm). DD has never been able to call anyone mum and step-mum has never been called mum- never had children of her own, I am not sure why.

My friend is not forgotten but can not be remembered by DD because she was so small when my friend died. I don't think she would mind for a moment what her DD calls step-mum- she would just be grateful she has had a loving mother figure in her life.

I really think your views don't matter- you'd be dead. You wouldn't know.

@fairynick

The answers on this thread are interesting as when I recently started a thread about a friend who will be raising a deceased siblings baby, the answers overwhelmingly suggested they should call her mum. Most people said that the baby deserved a mother, and for all intents and purposes now my friend was the childs mum.

I remember that thread.

I do think that the difference is thinking about it from your point of view or from the child's point of view.

The fact that when it was phrased from the child's perspective, we all recognise the need for a mum.

So, yes, it is selfish to want them not to call another woman mum.

If I was alive I wouldn't want then to call another woman mum. If, as in your opening post, I'd died in childbirth, yes I'd definitely want them to have a mother figure and would be happy for them to call her mum.

My brother was 5 when mum died, 7 when dad remarried, 22 now. His step mum has been mum to him longer than our mum was. She is the one who supported him through every milestone and hard thing, including our Dad dying when he was 12. She is his mum, she's not my mum because I was a lot older, but she is his.

Having lost my mum young, if I died I'd want my kids to have the comfort of calling a new mother-figure mummy if they wanted to.

Being protective of the name after you're theoretically dead seems weird to me - but then so does the whole convo you had with your DH!

Wish you all the best for your new baby, try not to worry about anything

I know two children whose mums have died. One has a nickname for her father's wife /partner and the other calls her by her name. I think it depends on the age of the child - if they're old enough to remember their mum they would be unlikely to call anyone else mum but if they're young enough that the mother figure is the only one they've known, then they're more likely to want to call someone mum.