Would you be ok with your kids calling someone else mum?

[PositivelyFooked]

Lighthearted - although morbid.

Me and DP led in bed talking about the kids and I asked how quickly he think he would be able to move on if I died during childbirth (morbid I know, I’m 24 weeks pregnant and read a story the other day about a mother who sadly died during childbirth from blood loss and it got me thinking)

Which then turned into “would you encourage the kids to call them mum?” This is something that sticks with me a lot because it makes me feel so selfish. I am their mum, I’d be heartbroken if they called someone else mum. I would encourage him to move on when he’s ready as having a mum-figure in their lives would be nice - but I am their mum and I don’t want to be replaced or forgotten.

Is that really selfish? Does it matter if they’re called mum or.. Cindy?(for example purposes)

Obviously once I’m dead there’s really not a lot I can do about it, nor will I even know. But the thought my makes my stomach tense up!

@PositivelyFooked

Lighthearted - although morbid.

Me and DP led in bed talking about the kids and I asked how quickly he think he would be able to move on if I died during childbirth (morbid I know, I’m 24 weeks pregnant and read a story the other day about a mother who sadly died during childbirth from blood loss and it got me thinking)

Which then turned into “would you encourage the kids to call them mum?” This is something that sticks with me a lot because it makes me feel so selfish. I am their mum, I’d be heartbroken if they called someone else mum. I would encourage him to move on when he’s ready as having a mum-figure in their lives would be nice - but I am their mum and I don’t want to be replaced or forgotten.

Is that really selfish? Does it matter if they’re called mum or.. Cindy?(for example purposes)

Obviously once I’m dead there’s really not a lot I can do about it, nor will I even know. But the thought my makes my stomach tense up!

Nope nope nope. You get one Mum and that's it. Such a special role it could never be passed on to anyone else

My niece calls her step dad, dad. He's so much more of a dad to her than her bio father.

I would want my children to be loved and have a mother figure and if they wanted to call her mum then great. It would mean she loved them, they loved her and she could be there for them.

WhenSepEnds

So what should I say to my 2 kids? You had a mum, she's the only one you'll get, don't call me mum?

Don't you think that'll make them feel that noone will ever feel for them like their mum did? That they'll never have that relationship that other kids get? That my 2 biological children are more special ?

That doesn't sit right with me at all. They can call me mum if that's what they want.

Nope nope nope. You get one Mum and that's it. Such a special role it could never be passed on to anyone else

Would you really impress this on bereaved children who wanted to call somebody their mum though?

It is not an insult to the person who is gone, it's just something children sometimes want to feel in their lives.

Of course it would be heartbreaking for anybody to think of their child calling someone else mum, but if they are deceased then it should be about the children's feelings and preferences first and foremost.

It wouldn't bother me, ill be dead so whatever they decide to do i won't know nor will it hurt me. Rather my child did what they felt comfortable with

As someone who experienced their mother dying when they were very young I'd say it's the child's decision and I'd be happy that they viewed someone as being a mum to them.

DD called DH dad from very early on although her father is still alive and drinking. I think she did it because she felt that he is like a dad to her, it was lovely recently when we went up to visit her at Uni and she introduced him to her friends as her dad.

Whensepends wow, being a mum is special but someone who steps in when a mother dies and mothers the child like their own, is there for the milestones, trials and tribulations is just as much a mum and it's important for the child not to feel different from their peers. I'm an adult who remembers being different as a child for not having a mum and once someone stepped in to that role it gives you a sense of being the same, not being the sad child without a mum.

Maybe if I had died when they were really young. If DH divorced and remarried then fuck no.

Nope nope nope. You get one Mum and that's it. Such a special role it could never be passed on to anyone else

So when children arw brought up by a parent and a step parent, who is truly their parent in all ways? And the other bio parent isn't involved? Who is the one?

What if a child is born and loses both parents very young and is adopted and raised by their adopted family. Are you say the adopted family could never really be the childs mother and father?

Children who are adopted at birth aren't raised by their mother and father?

I'd be pissed off if someone was forcing them to. I know someone this happened to except it was calling the stepdad, dad and they were just divorced.

Otherwise, if my children wanted to call someone mum they could (I'm mam anyway 🤣)

Nope, nope, nope. You get one mum and that's it

I dont agree with this but, if that's how you categorize it, then your mum is the woman who brings you up, not the one who births you.

I haven't RTFT, but my DH/ my DCs' dad died in September. I don't intend to be in a relationship with anyone else anytime soon, but if this did ever happen, I would definitely not expect DC to call him Dad. DC2 is young enough that in the future she might not remember DH, but I hope she will always know how special he was and how he was a brilliant daddy. If she had such a good relationship with any future partner of mine that she wanted to call him Dad too, that might be ok but I wouldn't encourage it and it definitely wouldn't be instead of recognising the importance of her dad.

Nope nope nope. You get one Mum and that's it. Such a special role it could never be passed on to anyone else

In your world maybe.

I know people who have been adopted or where in long-term foster care, plus people who had parent(s) die or a parent disappear as children.

The adult(s) who took on a parenting role and were always there for them were called "mum" and/or "dad". They have and had no problem explaining to people who know them that their "mum" and/or "dad" weren't biologically related to them.

Oh and some of these adults who took on that parenting role got openly abused by others in society.

I would hate it, but if my child was very very young, I would absolutely want them to have a mother figure even if that meant them calling the person mummy. Their need for a mother and their happiness trumps my need for recognition.

I don't think it necessarily means I would be forgotten though. Calling someone else mum does not mean that you wouldn't be talked about and celebrated. I know my OH would ensure that I wasn't forgotten.

The thought is devastating though.

The thought is devastating though.

I find it comforting. That my child has found someone with whom they feel so comfortable and so loved that they are in all essence, their mum.

Slightly different perspective - my mum died when I was a ch

Hit post too soon! My mum died when I was a child. My dad didn't remarry but even if he had I could never have called another woman mum. My mum is my mum even if I didn't know her for very long. No other woman could come close to her.