Oh My GOD I’m so embarrassed!! Please tell me you’ve done something similar 😭

[Visitors]

Went to visit DH’s aunt and uncle earlier, we only see them once or twice a year. Lovely people but a little dry and very slightly eccentric.
We arrived, they opened the door, we were probably slightly too ebullient with the ‘hello’s’ and ‘lovely to see you’s’ and I went ahead to uncle and said

‘Ah and look at you with glittery jumper on!!’

They both looked at me really oddly and as soon as I said it I could see that actually the ‘glitter’ was an awful lot of dandruff on his dark jumper.

How I didn’t vomit with shame, I literally stopped breathing. Nothing was said but I genuinely felt weak as I followed them into the lounge.

I then spent the next hour with burning cheeks and desperately trying not to look at the dandruff on his jumper.

Please tell me you’ve done worse…I feel I’ll just thinking about it now 😥😢

Omg I'm crying at these. The one about the lady kindly offering some guy a coffee from Macdonalds thinking he was homeless poor chap.

Also laughing hard at 'tea your dick's on the table'

Slightly at so many people thinking it's acceptable to ask ladies above a size zero if they're pregnant though, it's not even funny or thoughtless it's just rude.

I went into staffroom at work and saw a new starter having a drink. I said "Hi I'm Snicketty, what's your name?" She told me, and it was a name I had never heard before, so I told her it was lovely and unusual. She replied "Tea, brew?" I said that was kind but I would make my own. She looked at me weirdly and repeated that her name was Hebrew.

Slightly hmm at so many people thinking it's acceptable to ask ladies above a size zero if they're pregnant though, it's not even funny or thoughtless it's just rude.

Agreed. Yes, some of the stories on this thread are very funny, but I don't get all the lol-ing/tea spitting/baby waking at stuff that is just downright rude.

The woman I asked genuinely looked pregnant. She wasn’t fat. Apart from a huge bump/belly. I definitely did t think it was funny.

Just today I served a customer (who has been living with in-laws for past 3 years whilst looking for new home) She’s a lovely regular customer and we have a great chat but haven’t seen her for at least a year.
She tells me she’s found a home and is moving in before Christmas. As she leaves I say “bet it’s a huge relief to finally be in your own place again...and I’ll bet your in-laws are secretly clapping about it too!”
“Actually” she said “ They have both passed away in the last 12 months”
🙈

A sad one and a funnier one.
Worked in quite a large organisation but lots of the different department staff knew each other. Someone has come in for a meeting and as they passed 'Jane' smiled and said, "When's it due?" gesturing to Jane's protruding stomach.
Jane replied, "Any time in the next six months" and elaborated by saying, "My funeral, that is. I have terminal stomach cancer."

Funnier one. I worked with a woman whose father was a double amputee following late diagnosis of diabetes and complications from an injury. He was being seen by a new doctor who asked him about his weight, and then asked, "And how tall are you?"
'With or without legs, doc?"

My own experience was an email issue where I meant to forward a message to my boss from one of our overseas offices with the comment, "I can't believe they don't know this"
Of course I sent it to the originator, a high up person in the company.
I rang him to say that I had hit the send instead of save key and could he please wait 5 minutes before responding as my meaning would be misunderstood.
Typed an absolute load of BS straight onto the end so that it said, "I can't believe X doesn't know this! What a great opportunity for us to make sure our systems are better integrated, and to share our knowledge..."
15 mins later he rang my boss. To say how helpful I had been. God knows how I got away with that.

I have loads, but like others, my brain has blotted them out due to excessive cringe.

My mum has a great one though. The subject of Daniel O'Donnell came up in her work and she went on a rant about how creepy he was, she couldn't stand him, all that holier-than-thou nonsense, etc - she went for it. The office filled with a deathly silence and her colleague stiffly responded 'he's a very close personal friend'.

Bless my mum, she just shrugged and said 'sorry, I can't take it back now!' Wish I could have some of her nonchalance.

@DeathByMascara

I have loads, but like others, my brain has blotted them out due to excessive cringe.

My mum has a great one though. The subject of Daniel O'Donnell came up in her work and she went on a rant about how creepy he was, she couldn't stand him, all that holier-than-thou nonsense, etc - she went for it. The office filled with a deathly silence and her colleague stiffly responded 'he's a very close personal friend'.

Bless my mum, she just shrugged and said 'sorry, I can't take it back now!' Wish I could have some of her nonchalance.

Your mum sounds ace! I would love to be that nonchalant too instead of lying in bed at 3am going over my embarrassing mistakes

But I bet EVERY Daniel O'Donnell fan views themselves as his "very close personal friend", after meeting him once but going to every concert

Last time I visited a relative to whom I was not particularly close we had a really awkward goodbye hug whereby I failed to hug correctly and ended up pressing my breasts against his chest to which he pressed back. I don't think it was accidental on his part. So consider the dandruff lucky!

On another occasion, same friend - let's call her Debbie - was talking with same boss but in a silly sing song voice, so he said 'Debby webby would you like a coffee woffy' to which she replied 'oh yes please thank you wank you'

I want to work with Debbie 😂

Pregnant with my first child, we didn't know what we were having. Chatting with EXh and mil about it and how strong his side of the family's genes were so whatever it was it would definitely look like him. I can only blame my pregnancy brain for then blurting out 'well I hope for its sake it's a boy because all the women on your side look like the men with long hair and a dress!'. Mil looked appalled. I then hurriedly corrected myself and said not all of course but a lot of them just look at 'June' and her sister for example. She hated her sister so fortunately that worked but bloody hell what the fuck was I thinking?!

Turns out it was a boy and initially he looked like neither of us but now he looks like I might as well have had a photocopier in my womb our faces are so alike! So not only was it a stupid comment it was completely untrue!

But I bet EVERY Daniel O'Donnell fan views themselves as his "very close personal friend", after meeting him once but going to every concert

His fans do largely seem to be the fiercely 'loyal' sort. Eoin McLove might not have been too far wide of the reality mark

I just think he always sounds and looks so dreadfully bored when he's singing. No expression or emotion at all. Why do it, if he's not really into it? Not like he needs the money any more.

DH friend 'Jim' told us this story: Jim had a friend 'Steve' who was going to pop in and drop something off to Jim who was still living with his Mum at that time. Apparently Steve had a huge nose and had always been self conscious about it and Jim knew this, so he said to his Mum ' a friend you haven't met before is coming round Mum, he's called Steve, he's really self conscious about his nose - please don't stare at it or say anything ' to which she replied ' as if I would! What do you take me for!' Anyway, Steve arrives, Mum says I'll make you a nice cup of tea. A second later she pop her head round the door ' Steve, how many sugars do you take with your nose?'

@WeatherwaxOn that email is genius. If only I could have thought that quickly when I copied a senior manager into a ranting emails to colleagues! He had a surname with the same starting letter as a colleague and I clicked the wrong name in the list.

Luckily for me he replied and said he would take the issue up and didn’t comment on my slightly unprofessional tone in the email

I was nannying a 5 year old girl. Got a 60th birthday card and when paying, the cashier said to her, clever girl buying your grandad a card. Little girl corrected her to say it was for her dad. She then gave me looks thinking I was the mum and was with a much older man.

Once when temping in an office, answered the phone and got my words muddled instead of "are you a current client?" It came out "are you a cunt?" Nearly died whilst my colleagues were pissing themselves 🤣 fortunately the "current client" was speaking over me at the time and didn't hear!

“are you a cunt?”

😂

@190190tnt

My friend had 2 funny stories from years ago. Worked for a large company, one day her boss Dick asked her to bring a tray of tea in to a meeting he was having with some new clients, told her to just quietly bring it in so as not to disturb the meeting. In she comes, quietly padded to a little table behind him put the tray down, tapped him on the shoulder and said in a loud whisper 'tea, your dicks on the table'

On another occasion, same friend - let's call her Debbie - was talking with same boss but in a silly sing song voice, so he said 'Debby webby would you like a coffee woffy' to which she replied 'oh yes please thank you wank you'

I did this exact thing when I was about 10 to my friends dad!

Slightly drunk in Amsterdam, we got chatting to these lovely Dutch boys and one had his sleeve tucked in so it looked like his arm was in a sling. So I cheerily said, oh have you been in a cycling accident, it's crazy here with all these cyclists. No of course he didn't have an arm, it was amputated as a kid....he was lovely about it and we stayed in touch for years

I was once on the phone to a grumpy client and got my words mixed up when I had to put him on hold.

I ended up saying, would you mind holding me a while 😳.

It's the kind of thing I'd do, I have had many moments where I wished the ground would swallow me up, strangely I can't remember any examples at the moment as I try to banish them from my memory as soon as I can. My dad often reminds me of the time he met came up to visit me at uni and introduced himself to my 18 year old room mate with "hello, you must be new room mate's mum" as she responded "no, I'm new room mate" (she did have quite an aging haircut and much older parents).

Just remembered another, must have blocked it out.

Started a new job and my new boss demonstrated how to test the alarm in the lift, which was to be one of my duties. In front of the whole office I enthusiastically announced that I’d check the one upstairs and bounded up. It was after I’d pressed the call button and was waiting for the lift to arrive that I realised! I then had to slink back down the steps and back to where my bemused boss was waiting for me, while the whole office tried to hide the fact they were pissing themselves.

@FusciasBright21@DonnieDark
Those stories remind me of when my DD was in primary school and the teacher was getting them to say their names but swapping over initials of first name and surname. So for example Daisy Brown became Baisy Drown, and Barney Fisher became Farney Bisher etc. All went well until Callum Hunt shouted out his new name.

I was once at a dinner dance with my husband and the man sitting next to me was the image of John Cleese. I commented on this to him and we got chatting about Fawlty Towers and I said I bet you cant do the funny walk though. His wife looked at him and smiled. When he got up to go to the toilet he picked up his two walking sticks from the floor and wobbled off. They did see the funny side of it and told me he had Parkinsons disease.

Years ago, when I was a barmaid a regular came in looking really down in the dumps. I said “bloody hell what’s the matter with you? Pet rabbit died or something?”
He looked me in the eye and said “no, my brother.”
Still feel crap about that to this day