Oh My GOD I’m so embarrassed!! Please tell me you’ve done something similar 😭

[Visitors]

Went to visit DH’s aunt and uncle earlier, we only see them once or twice a year. Lovely people but a little dry and very slightly eccentric.
We arrived, they opened the door, we were probably slightly too ebullient with the ‘hello’s’ and ‘lovely to see you’s’ and I went ahead to uncle and said

‘Ah and look at you with glittery jumper on!!’

They both looked at me really oddly and as soon as I said it I could see that actually the ‘glitter’ was an awful lot of dandruff on his dark jumper.

How I didn’t vomit with shame, I literally stopped breathing. Nothing was said but I genuinely felt weak as I followed them into the lounge.

I then spent the next hour with burning cheeks and desperately trying not to look at the dandruff on his jumper.

Please tell me you’ve done worse…I feel I’ll just thinking about it now 😥😢

After spending hours in the children’s A&E department waiting for DS to be seen, I got talking with another mum sitting with her poorly DD. When I got up to leave I turned and nodded to her daughter sympathetically and said I hope she feels better quickly. Daughter? Replies woman…this is my son I couldn’t apologise fast enough I was so embarrassed but in my defence, her young child was wearing a nude pink track suit and had long curly blonde hair which had been hiding his face most of the time!

@Katyawampus

Several times I have phoned a client and when they've answered asked to speak to their wife only to discover it is actually the wife but one with a very gruff voice. I'm always mortified and make an excuse that the line is bad. I tend to be much more careful now!

That's probably me! I have answered the phone several times to be asked if I'm Mr... - I do have a deep voice though

On a school foreign exchange trip, being introduced to my friend’s grandfather. I went to shake his hand not noticing that his arm had been amputated from the elbow down. I vigorously shook his stump instead

Was a guest at a formal shabbat meal, being introduced to the people around the table, Paul 'Hi', Steve 'Hi', Liliian 'Hi', Schlomo....
I laughed fully in his face. No idea it was a real name so had thought it was a friendly insult - slow-mo - something we'd say to someone who was being lazy or slow. Couldn't meet his eye for the rest of the meal.

Also the mole-hair one above (just cut it, surely?!) reminded me - I once reached over to pull off what I thought was a 7 inch long loose hair on a friend's neck. It was attached.

I did the awkward lean in to kiss goodbye thing and kissed my dad full on the lips.

I once bumped into a neighbour in a pub and during the conversation asked him how his lovely dog was. He replied that it had just died.

Thing is with me if I hear things I shouldn't laugh at and I haven't been able to 'prepare' myself, I have a peculiar quirk in that I laugh and depending on how much I should not laugh, this can turn into alost hysterics.

So there I was standing at the bar laughing and my face was bright red with the force of the laughter and the shame and the neighbour just stared at me and slowly shook his head.

I just mumbled something about having to go and walked out of the pub and had to ring my friend to explain I would now be meeting her in another pub!

Love these, chuckling away reading them.
When my waters suddenly broke with DC1, I was home alone and in a bit of a panic, phoned hospital and midwife with heavily accented English answered the phone, I thought she asked me if I'd had a shower, thought it was an unusual question so asked her to repeat it which she did, I thought yes she definitely wants to know if I've washed so I answered no I haven't showered but I've had a bath, she laughed at me and said no I asked if have you had a show!

My other one happened at toddler group, I was introduced to someone who told me she the dcs nanny, I said oh is it your son or daughters child, she said no I'm THE nanny, I looked at her again and realised she was about 30!

An incredible amount of amputees in this post.

Oh congratulations😁
I'm fat, not pregnant!
Oh em err sorry I oh, anyway nice to see you, got to go bye.
I felt bloody awful, couldnt get out of her eye sight quick enough

English isnt my first language so I have made some awful ones over the years. I learned English by copying people and sometimes missed context and that something could be said in a friends group but not at work for example. So I would say things, without knowing the literal meaning.

For example: I worked in a client facing role and was invited by a firm of solicitors to an awards ceremony. Fancy. The dinner was delayed and one of the Partners leaned over to apologise for the delay. I fired off my best smile and said "oh no worries at all, I quite enjoy the brown nosing". I saw on her face I'd said something bad. I called my now dh who told me the literal meaning. I thought it meant chit chatting. . She was such a prim and proper lady too.

Another one. Same job. I had a senior colleauge who was showing me the ropes when I started. He was amazing, kind and patient. 15 or so years okder than me and painfully shy, a tad awkward socially. Once he stayed late to help me with something IT related. I was so grateful and said "Oh my goodness 'John' you are such a computer wuss!". He blushed, looked really sad and grabbed his backpack to get his train. Again, called now dh to confirm the meaning. I'd meant to say wizz. Like a wizz kid. . So so bad. I tried to explain the day after but the damage was done. He was such a kind person too.

When going for a maternity cover contract, asking the slightly pot bellied lady who collected me from the reception whether it was it for her role. It wasn’t!

Came into work one morning, small office with only one other person in it. I asked why someone had been spraying the toilet air freshener in there, yep it was her new perfume . (Which smelt just like toilet duck ).

@Sendmetobarbados

I was chatting to a friend of the bride at a hen do, having never met her before. We were discussing the upcoming wedding in York. In my head I heard her say 'You're so beautiful', to which I replied: 'Thank you' (somewhat baffled). It was only the next day I realised she'd actually said 'York's so beautiful'.

What made it worse was the fact this woman realised what I thought she said and kindly chose to ignore it (I know this because my friend later told me when I explained the blunder to her). Still makes me shudder, a decade on.

This one wins for me. You’ve made my night, thank you 😂😂😂😂

One time on a busy train i was a little bit tipsy and was excited to see some fancy new toilets had been installed. I pressed the "close" button to see the big sliding door close shut. As i was weeing the door started to open again with 3 people stood right outside. All i could do was scream and laugh because i couldn't get up to stop the bloody thing .

I ALWAYS press the lock button now.

Oh don't.... I went to one of my partner's work Xmas do's , upon arrival he introduced me to some of his colleagues, one was at the bar getting a drink, she seemed really short, I joked to her husband who was chatting to me and my oh..and said oh I bet she gets id'd alot being so little, turned out, she was in a wheelchair behind the bar, and I couldn't see .... Jesus Christ I could've died :-( lol

@Visitors

Went to visit DH’s aunt and uncle earlier, we only see them once or twice a year. Lovely people but a little dry and very slightly eccentric. We arrived, they opened the door, we were probably slightly too ebullient with the ‘hello’s’ and ‘lovely to see you’s’ and I went ahead to uncle and said

‘Ah and look at you with glittery jumper on!!’

They both looked at me really oddly and as soon as I said it I could see that actually the ‘glitter’ was an awful lot of dandruff on his dark jumper.

How I didn’t vomit with shame, I literally stopped breathing. Nothing was said but I genuinely felt weak as I followed them into the lounge.

I then spent the next hour with burning cheeks and desperately trying not to look at the dandruff on his jumper.

Please tell me you’ve done worse…I feel I’ll just thinking about it now 😥😢

If anything, they made it awkward not you. They could have just laughed about it and made light of the whole thing.

This isn’t funny and I wouldn’t admit to it if it weren’t anonymous…
I was in my very early days of teaching, supply teaching yr 2 class I’d never met before. All sat on the carpet, one boy was particularly fidgety and chatty and made some silly comments for laughs so I had my eye on him. Decided to ‘get him on board’ so I chose him to go and fetch the fruit bowl whilst I organised the rest of the class to wriggle back into a circle. I looked up for him and he’d got the fruit but he was doing a ‘silly walk’ back and I sternly told him to hurry up and walk properly, the words were out of my mouth before I realised that the children weren’t laughing at his ‘silly walk’ and he clearly had a physical disability which made it hard for him to carry the bowl too. I actually can’t remember if he responded but I was truly mortified. Needless to say I never went back there, poor boy. Just awful.

I asked the sales assistant in Argos if she was hot in bed. We were discussing which tog duvet I should buy. Mortified doesn't cover it.

Eyeing up a lovely but expensive pair of boots the assistant said oh get your dad to buy them for you. My boyfriend was mortified he is only 6months older than me, I couldn't stop laughing. All day I kept addressing him as dad 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Went shopping with a girl I met at night college on a break and picked up a tee-shirt and said 'who earth would wear this, you'd have to pay me' hahahaha. Yep you've guessed it, she unzipped her hoody and had it on. I said 'well it looks nice on you' but couldn't rectify it. Mortified!!

I put my foot in it with a colleague some years ago... I came back from lunch one hot July day and said in the open plan office that 'it stinks of fly spray and asked if the flies had come in the window again'... you guessed it... moody colleague then announced that she'd just had a spray of her new perfume which cost £85! It was a Chanel one which smelled like a cross between piss and that cheap red can of fly/wasp spray with a giant angry wasp on the front of it... why would anyone pay to smell like that?

Totally PMSL LOVE this post OP.
Done loads myself, also have reputation of foot in mouth disease, always end up laughing at myself after trying to get out of it, which makes things worse.
Once thought a friends mum was her grannie, and said it in front of both!
Also done the pregnancy one sat at a dinner table of 20 others, table went silent when i asked when special occasion was to be!
Also said something personal about a ladys attire, didnt realise id said it out loud, i then said to the person did i say that out loud!
Some are so cringy i cant put them in writing, why i piss myself laughing after ive realised what ive done, wish i didnt its just my reaction some onlookers have been horrified.

@Couchbettato Did he live at 15 Yemen Road, Yemen?

A mix of different perspectives, not sure what mine is currently, I guess more that rather than giving a look across the room and bailing I should of introduced my self,

Without to many details, their was a group of us and we were at a country house, I was busy outside taking photos then thought I'd go into where the group was and when I entered I looked around to see who I could chat to, (at the time I had confidence, mostly but tended to just talk to a select few that seemed trusting nature, anyway my and this other ladies eyes seem to lock as it were (or im a pickle) but that's how I remember it, but then instead of going over and chatting, I bolted for the exit and carried on with my photography.

Even typing this, I may of been making a deal with the devil, so to speak, but I do wonder what could of been achieved had I not bolted