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Original poster

DM has cut me out of her will

425 replies

Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:02

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/11/2021 08:34

I have similar. My DB still lives with my mum in our family home. My dad always said he would let my DB have the whole house when him and my mum die and I will only get half what they paid for it £6k as ex council house. He used to say I'd have half but then he didn't want DB to have to take out a mortgage. Never mind that I still rent and don't own my own home. I'm at peace with it now but it was quite upsetting for a while.

thenewduchessofhastings · 17/11/2021 08:36

Her house may be worth 1M but what happens if it needs to sold to pay for a nursing home?

farfetched · 17/11/2021 08:36

@HarrisonStickle

The OP is being advised by posters like you on this thread to behave just like my brother.

I am trying to point out exactly why that would be a bad idea.

I do not understand how anyone who truly loves their parent can try to interfere in their will. I find this fighting over an inheritance of a parent who is fully alive and compos mentis - even worse if you don't even need the money - incomprehensible. And in really poor taste.

farfetched · 17/11/2021 08:43

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Circumstances in which a parent might decide to leave a child nothing:
  1. Child is Bill Gates
  2. Child is a Hollywood A lister
  3. Child has behaved atrociously to family
  4. Child is in prison for horrendous unforgivable crime
  5. Child has squandered all money, opportunities etc and would probably do same with inheritance

Circumstances in which a parent might decided to leave one child everything/most of estate:

  1. Child has additional needs, e.g. major disability, and can't earn a living
  2. Child has a child in that position so can't earn a living
  3. Child has provided care to parent which would otherwise have had to be paid for or couldn't have been obtained, and has been unable to earn a living during that time
  4. Child has major role in family business, other children don't work in business

Most people won't be in any of those situations. Simplest and fairest thing to do is to leave everything divided equally.

She isn't planning to leave the OP nothing.

She's planning to leave her ALL the objects of sentimental value. Her siblings will get none.

How telling that you ignore that and focus only on the cash. Which may not even exist by the time she dies, if the house needs to be sold to pay for care home costs etc.

BluebellsareBlue · 17/11/2021 08:44

@breadrollz

Er...my dm decided this. It was her money.

And yet you didn't get it, bummer!

@farfetched but your DM didn't decide that. You said your mother was abused by your eldest DB. You are safe in the knowledge that you DM loved and valued you so much that she wanted to make sure you were financially secure. The OP doesn't have this, her world has been rocked by, probably, an ill thought out comment by her DM who has mentioned that OP Won't be left as much money as she has had most of her DM's 'time' over the years. The DM herself has equated her money to her time with the OP not the other way about. It would be difficult for anyone to get their head around that. "Well I'm charging you for my time" is what it comes across as.
HarrisonStickle · 17/11/2021 08:44

She really isn't @farfetched. She's just being advised by the majority to tell her mum that she's hurt and confused, and would like her mother to explain further.

Why is it the rest of the people on the thread that are now receiving your ire? Are you realising the OP has done nothing resembling the actions you accuse her of?

Kikkomam · 17/11/2021 08:45

The OP is being advised by posters like you on this thread to behave just like my brother

Honestly you are taking this all far too personally. Its not about you not getting all your mum's money.

Notonthestairs · 17/11/2021 08:48

I don't really understand your points farfetched - the Op is NOTHING like your brother.

She has a solid caring relationship with her mother but has been blindsided but recent conversation.

The two situations are poles apart.

It is odd that you can't see that.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 17/11/2021 08:50

I think the person trying to make the thread all about her is best ignored, frankly.

jessycake · 17/11/2021 08:54

I think you have to tell her exactly how you feel , and that it isn't just about the money . She probably thinks her sentimental bits/ tat will be more important to you , she sees that you are the richest and by giving them more , you will all have the same , a bit like when you try to treat your children equally. She at least needs to see it from a different perspective even if she still sticks with her decision.

MrsWooster · 17/11/2021 08:55

I’d tell her how hurt you are feeling.

malificent7 · 17/11/2021 08:56

Well she isnt a great mum is she. She should be dividing her assets equally after her death and her time equally while she is alive instead of playing you off against each other.

Capferret · 17/11/2021 09:00

@farfetched. Reading your comments I think you have some unresolved issues. Your dm was not forced to change her will, manipulated yes.

You think the OP shouldn’t expect anything and yet you expected everything and are furious with your db that you didn’t get that. But you got an equal share. So better off than the OP.

Papierfroisse · 17/11/2021 09:01

OP says her family income is FOUR times that of her siblings. That's an enormous difference and it makes total sense for her mother to take that into account. Why OP can't see that suggests a lack of understanding and concern for her siblings' position.

Kikkomam · 17/11/2021 09:02

@Papierfroisse

OP says her family income is FOUR times that of her siblings. That's an enormous difference and it makes total sense for her mother to take that into account. Why OP can't see that suggests a lack of understanding and concern for her siblings' position.
So what? So she's done financially well for herself. She's still her mother's daughter.
BeardyButton · 17/11/2021 09:04

@farfetched

In a nutshell, what matters is not what the OP wants, it's not what the OP's siblings want (and we have no idea what that is), it's not what I want or my brother wanted that matter.

What matters is what the person whose money it is wants to do with it.

Anyone who has the cheek to demand a parent change their will to suit them - particularly if they don't even need the money - has no rights and deserves no sympathy. It's grabby and cheap.

It’s very convenient that what was wanted your mother wanted overlapped 100 percent with what you wanted.

Maybe she changed her mind? Maybe she lacked a piece of information. Maybe she wasn’t aware about how your brother would feel. When she became aware, what she wanted changed.... but that no longer 100 percent overlapped with what you wanted. Hence the rage.

frazzledasarock · 17/11/2021 09:05

@Papierfroisse

OP says her family income is FOUR times that of her siblings. That's an enormous difference and it makes total sense for her mother to take that into account. Why OP can't see that suggests a lack of understanding and concern for her siblings' position.
All OP’s siblings are well off though.

OP has made different lifestyle choices so her income is higher than her siblings. I doubt her siblings would want her lifestyle and the sacrifices she’s made for it.

Also as others have said income is not guaranteed and anything could happen to change it. Or her siblings could become wealthier.
The parent here needs to be fair and she isn’t being.

Papierfroisse · 17/11/2021 09:05

I don't know where people get this idea that there's a duty on the parent to treat their adult children exactly equally. Even when our children are children we don't treat them equally - I do my best for each child in the context of their needs and wants and my income and time. This means that they get very different amounts of time and money spent on them. I don't keep a tally.

Notonthestairs · 17/11/2021 09:05

@Papierfroisse

OP says her family income is FOUR times that of her siblings. That's an enormous difference and it makes total sense for her mother to take that into account. Why OP can't see that suggests a lack of understanding and concern for her siblings' position.
There are overlooked details - both Op and her husband work, the siblings have a SAHP or no kids. They've all made choices right for their own lives but the Op shouldn't be penalised for working.
Muselyforbreakfast · 17/11/2021 09:06

I've very recently found out I'm in the same position OP. I thought this thread might be the perfect way to explain to my mother and siblings why I'm so upset but its been derailed far too badly to use now.

After many situations making it clear my dm and siblings put me and my family's needs last, and telling my dm several times how her actions hurt me just for another thing to happen she dropped this one on my dh whilst he was yet again helping her with a house issue.

Apparently my dsis is being left everything because we don't need the money. She then looked shocked she'd let this slip out, it seems I was meant to get this final hurt whilst I was grieving for her.

Dsis had much greater earning potential than us but chose not to use it, and are probably happier for it. We were ok financially but not well off.

The week before this she had told me "she might as well die now then" when I mentioned we were looking at moving 80 miles away in a few years time, ruining my pleasure in the idea of the move we want.

Two weeks after this my dh had a horrendous accident and has been in hospital for 2 months and will never work again. Although my devestation about dm will was not about the money before this has hit home that actually she has pulled any future security away from us.

Notonthestairs · 17/11/2021 09:06

And nobody can assume that the Op will continue to be able to work and earn as she has.

frazzledasarock · 17/11/2021 09:07

@Papierfroisse

I don't know where people get this idea that there's a duty on the parent to treat their adult children exactly equally. Even when our children are children we don't treat them equally - I do my best for each child in the context of their needs and wants and my income and time. This means that they get very different amounts of time and money spent on them. I don't keep a tally.
So absolutely do try and give my DC equal time and money and opportunities. No way would I spend a vast amount more on one child and give the dregs to another.

That’s a very good way of causing sibling discord.

Kikkomam · 17/11/2021 09:08

@Papierfroisse

I don't know where people get this idea that there's a duty on the parent to treat their adult children exactly equally. Even when our children are children we don't treat them equally - I do my best for each child in the context of their needs and wants and my income and time. This means that they get very different amounts of time and money spent on them. I don't keep a tally.
I do make every effort to treat my children equally actually. They are all individuals with different interests and hobbies etc but if I spend a lot of time and money on one hobby then I will do the same for another. Even if one of my dds became a multi millionaire I would still divide my money equally as they would still be my children. And tbh, my money is their money.
Papierfroisse · 17/11/2021 09:14

The OP's mother is doing all she can - looking at her children's current positions and likely future positions.
She's allowed to take into account things like, for instance, the OP marrying a wealthy man, or the OP being lucky with buying a house at a good time for the housing market.
I think it's very disrespectful of OP to have an absolute expectation that her mother give the OP an equal share of her money. Money which she may well have worked very hard for. She's allowed to use her own judgement, which she is clearly doing in a reasoned manner. OP should back off and be thankful for having an amazing parent and a good family, as well as a very high current and likely future income.
Posters on here are behaving as if the mother's money belongs to her children as of right when she dies. It absolutely doesn't.
I'd have some sympathy for the OP if her mother was using her money as a weapon to show the OP that she doesn't like her or approve of her life decisions. But this is clearly based on her children's current and likely future financial positions. Why does a very rich woman feel so entitled? Sadly, in my experience it often is the very wealthy who feel they should have more than others. OP - you already have more than your siblings and will do in the future - you are not coming across well here.

BeardyButton · 17/11/2021 09:14

@farfetched the only person coming across as cheap and money grabbing is you. Your posts sound so unbelievably entitled and greedy. For everyone else, it is the concern the uneven split fails to show. Only for you is the €€€ the only important thing.

The fact that your mother “wanted” it overlaps very very nicely with what benefitted you. I wonder if you would have felt the same if you had been left out. Given how entitled you seem, I doubt it.