DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

No, she's not being fair - all should be treated equally.

Nobody's financial situation is set in stone.

OP says her family income is FOUR times that of her siblings

But not everyone has insurances to protect against that should an injury or accident occur.

My mother is doing this. I am very hurt by it. My advice to OP - tell your mother how you feel. It may not change anything. My mother hasn’t changed. That is her right. I respect her decision. But she told me her plans. She did so looking for me to say that’s fine, I absolve you. But I can’t. It hurts. It will hurt that she will use her last voice to me to tell me she is more concerned about the future of my sibling than me.

I adore my mother. I know she adores me. We have a much closer relationship than she has with sibling. I want her to live forever so I can spend time with her. She is my best friend. None of that changes. I do not want more of her concern than siblings, jst the same. And I don’t want her last communication with me to “I worry about your brother more than you”. Genuinely - not about the money. I would prefer an evenly split pound than a million split unevenly.

I would be cutting my DM off immediately, if she did this. No way would I want anything to do with her. I would leave my brother to enjoy his money and help care for my DM in her old age. I would be absolutely furious and I would let it be known.

Say you had one adult child to whom a few hundred thousand pounds won't make that much difference. And another for whom that would be life changing. Say you adored your first child and wanted to show them how grateful and appreciative you are of all they have been for you. So you want them to have the things that you have loved all your life, the things that speak to her growing up and her own childhood or whatever.

Leaving the goods to the daughter in this way could be meant as an act of love.

@awesomekilick

Say you had one adult child to whom a few hundred thousand pounds won't make that much difference. And another for whom that would be life changing. Say you adored your first child and wanted to show them how grateful and appreciative you are of all they have been for you. So you want them to have the things that you have loved all your life, the things that speak to her growing up and her own childhood or whatever.

Leaving the goods to the daughter in this way could be meant as an act of love.

Nope.

You aren't all seeing as a parent. Who knows what will happen to any of your dcs in the future. Your job is to make them feel equally as valued.

And all this is a million miles from the situation the OP is in.

@BeardyButton I’m so sorry.

I adore my mother. I know she adores me. We have a much closer relationship than she has with sibling. I want her to live forever so I can spend time with her. She is my best friend. None of that changes. I do not want more of her concern than siblings, jst the same. And I don’t want her last communication with me to “I worry about your brother more than you”. Genuinely - not about the money. I would prefer an evenly split pound than a million split unevenly

This is just how I feel.

I wouldnt look after her in her old age. She values you less than your brothers so they can do it. Also where does she think the money is coming from to keep her with you or into a care home?

My DGM did this with one of my cousins and yet he did nothing for her.

The main problem I have with what your mum has done is that she has left a situation that will not definitely, but quite likely cause a rift amongst you and your siblings once she has gone. It doesn't matter if your are talking about £10K or 10m - it amounts to the same feelings.

I have seen this first hand (a friend) and it is heartbreaking to watch the siblings at a family wedding or party - they will check who is going and if so and so is going well there is no way I'm going etc etc. It really has devastated my friend coz she has tried to keep the peace and it hasn't worked.

This happened to a dear friend of mine.
She has two sisters ( she is the youngest child )
She and her eldest sister are both married with two children each, the other sister wasn't married but had one child, making five grandchildren in total, all adults at the time of their grandparents deaths.
No one ever knew the contents of her parents will.
When both parents died, with a few years between each death, the will, which had been drawn up a few years before they died, left absolutely everything to one grandchild, the child of the unmarried daughter, (who married some years after her child was born to a different man)
Not so much as a teaspoon left to any of the children or other grandchildren, despite having a good, even close relationship with their parents and the grandchildren with their grandparents.
The grandchild who was the sole benefactor walked away with an estate worth over two million in total.
The most devastating thing for them wasn't the estate, but not knowing and never will know why.
I have a mirror will with my DH, in which when we die, our estate will be divided up between our children equally, regardless of their circumstances at the time of our death.

I have a mirror will with my DH, in which when we die, our estate will be divided up between our children equally, regardless of their circumstances at the time of our death this is what we have.

I would be mad tbh. Typical if you do well this is what you get, same with taxes. Hope your sibling at least have tried to do well.

@cptartapp

With all the assets she has, your DM is going to be quite happy for you, in your middle years to be her carer in old age, and let you shoulder the burden of all the sacrifices, stresses time and commitments that entails. Indefinitely? She even let you move in preparation??! Wow. Why did she see so much more of you and provide much more childcare for your DC when younger? I wonder how your brothers really feel about that?

Quid pro quo for the elderly care, I bet. Help the daughter more on the expectation - as always - that the woman will do the future caring. So cynical and not something done out of love and wanting to bond with the GC (who also, by extension, also don't benefit from inheritance and will wonder if any of that relationship with their GM was genuine or contrived to obtain elderly care). OP loses out on the will for nothing, as the childcare favours are cancelled out by the elderly care.

Unless there's been some massive inequality in upbringing that benefited the OP over and above her brothers (e.g., a fully paid for private education when they had only state and no other option), then all 4 have had the same life chances; but, as a woman, the OP has probably had the disadvantages that comes with her sex career wise. Adult children making different life choices is not a disadvantage, it's a choice. Marrying wealthy, agreeing to have a SAHP, having more/fewer children by choice (fertility issues not included), doing a job you love versus one that will pay you more, living in a cheaper/wealthier area etc etc are all life choices that do not need to be compensated for.

Of course there will be exceptional, out of their control circumstances that means one sibling has ended up far worse off than the others. (Although, more often that not, it's not a one off case of bad luck, but the cumulative effect of previous bad decisions). In that situation, I can understand a parent thinking they need to give them a bit more to lift them up. But completely cutting out a sibling who has done absolutely nothing wrong except make good life decisions, has a good relationship with the parents and done nothing to cause them angst or pain: awful and unforgivable. And unless the OP's mum has a few Faberge eggs in her personal belongings, that's what her DM is doing here.

@BeardyButton

My mother is doing this. I am very hurt by it. My advice to OP - tell your mother how you feel. It may not change anything. My mother hasn’t changed. That is her right. I respect her decision. But she told me her plans. She did so looking for me to say that’s fine, I absolve you. But I can’t. It hurts. It will hurt that she will use her last voice to me to tell me she is more concerned about the future of my sibling than me.

I adore my mother. I know she adores me. We have a much closer relationship than she has with sibling. I want her to live forever so I can spend time with her. She is my best friend. None of that changes. I do not want more of her concern than siblings, jst the same. And I don’t want her last communication with me to “I worry about your brother more than you”. Genuinely - not about the money. I would prefer an evenly split pound than a million split unevenly.

@Wisforwater I agree wholeheartedly with this post and previous posts by @BeardyButton. You do need to tell your DM how this has made you feel. Not with a view to anything changing but to at least have said your piece and for her to know the consequences of your actions. Give it a bit of time and write it down if it's easier to process that way then move on. You have explained yourself very well on this thread so I'm sure you'll explain your feelings on this well to your DM. She does need to know that her decisions are of course hers to make but your feelings about those decisions are yours to feel, and are valid.

If you have a good RL with DM can you not tell her your feelings? Daisy Goodwin (who wrote Victoria for ITV) spoke about this in an interview recently .Her DM had left her estate to Daisy half siblings, due to the fact that they lived in HA accomodation . They were left about 500k each .Enough to buy a decent house ,while Daisy got no cash at all. She said it wasnt the money just that she felt a bit left out. I would speak to her again .Maybe she could gift your DC instead of you or something like that?

I don't feel this is wise on her part. I am in a family where everything is split very evenly regardless of who is wealthier. It is the safest way to do things to avoid conflict and hurt feelings. But of course it is personal choice. As PP have said, has she not considered that your financial situation could change for the worse, and your siblings financial situation could change for the better - what then?!

Sorry, consequences of her actions

A few years ago I saw an article by Daisy Goodwin about this OP. When her mother died she had left her estate divided between Daisy's siblings and had not given her anything because she was better off and didn't "need" it. In the article she described how this made her feel less loved or valued even though she knew it was well-intentioned.
It is not about the money itself but the feeling it leaves behind, and how it affects relationships with siblings too.

I hope you can talk frankly to your DM and say that you are hurt by her decision because of how it feels, and concerned about fall-out later if her estate is not divided evenly between you.

Your siblings can always make a deed of variation and re-apportion the cash, if they want to, and they all agree.
Dh and his brothers did this, after one of them had been written out for a reason that no longer existed by the time the person - not a parent - died.

(Raging spendthrift wife, but by then divorced.)

I'm the "poor" sibling. My brother's annual income is 5x mine and he has also had a substantial 6 figure payout from an insurance policy. I'm a widow and a single mum. My parents treat us completely equally when it comes to finances and I wouldn't expect anything else. Sorry you're in this situation, OP - that's really hurtful.

@Wisforwater This isn't right. Whether you're well off or not compared to your brothers that's not your fault, that's because you've worked damn hard to get there so why should you be singled and left out?
It should be split equally between all of you. End of.
And Regardless of how much time she's spent with you compared to the brothers too. Again.. who's fault is that? Not yours. They should have made more effort.

I would be upset too. Not even over the money, just the principle really. If she didn't want to leave you money 'because you don't need it' ok fair enough but then at least leave your equal share to your DC instead maybe ??
I don't know. Just doesn't sound right to me.

My heart goes out to you. My notDM cut me out of her will. Financially not a problem and the (considerable) amount of money was better left where it was - to my DS ( he and I are both on lies). What hurt so much was that most of the money had come to her from my DDad and the way she left it made me feel, however illogically, that he was rejecting me and I adored him. It's taken years to come to terms with thus.

My brother has been treated unfairly in my mum's will. If she has anything left when she dies, I will be putting that right. But realistically I can only put the financial stuff right. It's too late for the rest. I can't undo the fact that she's already told him that he is of less value to her.