DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

@Puppalicious that bitterness sounds awfully grabby!

It struck me when you said that it had happened to her, and the reason given was because she was a woman and the men were thought to be more worthy;

• do you think that it is good old fasioned sexism at the root of this-

that women are less deserving somehow, this was the lesson given to her. What would your father have thought of this- presumably some of the wealth was created by him, could you talk to her about it and I think I would at least admit to her how upset it has made you, valued as lesser, I bet she wouldn't have dared to do this to a successful son.

OP I understand how you feel, and although you are the luckiest of all really to have that relationship with your mum, i would feel hurt too. I would have a conversation with her to say that you feel hurt you’ve been ‘cut out’ of her will, because this is something you normally do if you’ve fallen out with a relative. It must feel like you’ve been disowned.

It isn't about the amount of money you or your siblings currently all have. It is that her final wish puts you beneath your siblings. I would be upset beyond belief about this. Really hurtful.

Clearly this is something you're going to find impossible to understand, in your dirty little money-obsessed world view, but not everyone else in the world is as obsessed about money as you.

Where have I shown myself to be money obsessed? I won't hold my breath.

Your the one obsessed with what you didn't get, lashing out at others won't fix you.

As far as I can make out, it was unfair for farfetched not to be left the whole of her mother's estate and instead have to share it with her siblings, but she thinks @Wisforwater is grabby for being sad that her mother is proposing to leave everything to her sons and next to nothing to her daughter. Right-o.

@Wisforwater

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

I've been cut off too in a similar way, but in my case, it was very much a mutual decision. Like you, my household income is higher, so I don't have as much financial need.

My DM and I are both practical people, and it made absolute sense to both of us that I don't get anything of financial value in her will (although I will get a sentimental piece of jewellery).

It's entirely possible your DM is similar, and thinking about this from a pure practical POV. Some people mistake inheritance with love, when it's not the case at all. Do your DM and you have very different personalities by any chance?

You're not wrong to feel the way you do, I suspect you're wrong to think that's why your DM has done it. If she actively spends more time with you and your kids, then she's probably closer to you, so it's not that you're loved any less.

As your DM is still alive, you can talk to her about this and get the reassurance that splitting the money this way is not about splitting her feelings.

@breadrollz

Strange then that you're encouraging the OP to do the very same thing that had such a devastating effect on my family.

What have I encouraged the OP to do exactly?

Perhaps you are grabby & entitled hence why including your brother had such a devastating impact?

But I guess as long as you're alright, Jack.

Again this makes no sense as I have no skin in the game as I'm not in the OPs family.

Mental health slurs and all.

Saying you still need therapy & are still damaged by what happened is not a slur particularly as you are agreeing with me.

You sound vile

I bet you always think you're the one hard done by in life.

You sound a charmer.

If I was 'grabby and entitled', it would have been the easiest thing in the world for me to have pushed my dm towards seeing a solicitor and doing what she stated hundreds of times she actually wanted to do with her money, but was too scared to do, because of my brother's emotional blackmail.

I chose not to do that, because it would have felt wrong for me to try to influence my dm in any way in how she divided up her will. So I said nothing.

And yes, it is a mental health slur when you suggest I need to see a therapist, accompanied by crying with laughter emojis.

Yuck. Vile troll.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g it's bizarre & quite scary

You've been a loyal daughter all your life and apparently are going to nurse her in her old age.

No good turn goes unpunished.

I would feel very similar to the Op - although I can't imagine my sibling would accept anything other than an equal split.

I strongly recommend that you find some time to talk it through with your mum. She might not change her mind but it will give you a chance to voice your hurt.

Farfetched would you have been happy if your mum had wanted to leave everything to your brother instead of to you?

You sound a charmer.*

@farfetched how do you think you sound or are coming across on this thread?

OP I'm sorry about what's happened. And that your thread has been hijacked by some very irritating pp. FFS!

@Flowertailbird

It isn't about the amount of money you or your siblings currently all have. It is that her final wish puts you beneath your siblings. I would be upset beyond belief about this. Really hurtful.

Agree 100%.

I think you should explain this to your mum and how it makes you feel. As a pp said, you are seemingly being punished for spending time with her. Her giving you childcare shouldn't factor into at all.

If it were me, after explaining it and mentioning it multiple times, if it didn't change I'd probably break contact.

Being put beneath your other siblings like that would be too much for me to accept.

@Hellocatshome

At least she has told you now rather than it being a surprise after she passes away.

This is what I thought too as it's often the case. The utter cheek of your mum to tell you it's a bit shit.

@farfetched it will go over your head like many posts on here

My laughing emoji (1 not multiple) was in response to you saying

"You seem shocked not everyone is as grabby as you"

and then

"Truth hurts, eh."

The only way to respond to such inane comments is to laugh because I've not said anything that can come across as grabby or dirty money obsessed or vile. I just don't agree with your input & view on this thread.

And you clearly are very bitter & twisted by what happened as you are acting irrational on this thread.

I think I’d feel hurt too OP.

If, by chance you are in Scotland, we have legal rights here so you can’t be written out of a Will.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

As far as I can make out, it was unfair for farfetched not to be left the whole of her mother's estate and instead have to share it with her siblings, but she thinks *@Wisforwater* is grabby for being sad that her mother is proposing to leave everything to her sons and next to nothing to her daughter. Right-o.

You make out wrong.

What is wrong is putting pressure on an elderly parent to change their will to suit you (particularly if you don't need the money, but even if you do, frankly).

Both the OP's dm and my dm made their wishes clear in their will. I certainly didn't try to influence that in any way, in fact I was very surprised when my DM told me out of the blue she was changing her will to leave it all to me. I said I wanted her alive not her money and that it wasn't for me to have an opinion on. My db then forced her to change her will, not once, but twice (every time she tried to leave it in any way in my favour, he put her under huge pressure).

I lost count of the hundreds of times she told anyone who would listen how upset she was about his behaviour. As I was personally involved, I didn't feel it would be right to get involved in the discussion.

Now she is no longer here, of course I'm sad about the money - which would have been life-changing for us, but just means a few more first-class flights for my db.

But it's not the loss of money that bothers me primarily. It's that my mother was not able to have her final dying wish respected, and died knowing her dd and dgc would lack the financial security she so wanted us to have.

I can only assume you're not a parent, or you would understand why making sure all your dcs and dgc are financially secure matters so much.

Gosh. farfetched has some unresolved issues about this!

To those saying OP is grabby and focusing on the money, would you really be happy if your mum split her will between your three siblings and left you out? It really isn't about the money but about being considered equal and valued along with your siblings.

@MyOtherProfile

To those saying OP is grabby and focusing on the money, would you really be happy if your mum split her will between your three siblings and left you out? It really isn't about the money but about being considered equal and valued along with your siblings.

Noone except one angry poster is saying this.

But it's not the loss of money that bothers me primarily.

So the loss of money does bother you? 🤔

I can only assume you're not a parent, or you would understand why making sure all your dcs and dgc are financially secure matters so much.

That sounds a bit grabby and upthread you said it's no one else's business if there even is any inheritance.

In a nutshell, what matters is not what the OP wants, it's not what the OP's siblings want (and we have no idea what that is), it's not what I want or my brother wanted that matter.

What matters is what the person whose money it is wants to do with it.

Anyone who has the cheek to demand a parent change their will to suit them - particularly if they don't even need the money - has no rights and deserves no sympathy. It's grabby and cheap.