DC feels aggrieved because school friends have ‘more’

[Foolsrule]

A bit of a strange one. We live in a nice house in a nice area. DC attend a school with a mixed catchment and have friends from a range of backgrounds. Eldest DC is under the impression that we are poor as we don’t have a huge wide screen TV, she doesn’t have her own phone and I send her to school swimming with a plain John Lewis towel as opposed to a branded/themed Disney one. She seems envious of her friends who seem to have a lot of ‘stuff’ on a daily basis, but don’t have the holidays, the range of out of school activities etc. and opportunities she has. I have explained that different families do things differently, we place value on different things but neither way is right or wrong, and she still seems to feel hard done by. Some of it might be about fitting in? Any ideas, anyone?

Is she aware of the children in orphanages in Afghanistan and how little they have?

And many other children around the world starving

The ones that don't even have shoes to wear or a school to go to

@pastypirate trago! You lucky thing!

I had a terrible panic once over GS fitting in. I "made" his nativity costume, well I made a hole for his head and two for his arms in a light brown pillowcase, made the bottom a rough cut, tied some rope round and gave him a teatowel headdress. Standard sort of thing in my day. Turned up to see the nativity and everyone was in flash M&S costumes. I was mortified and thought he'd be so upset.

Play ended and he bounced up to me and said, "I was the only one who had a costume made specially for me." Maybe the teacher said it to make sure he felt OK or maybe he just genuinely felt it. I don't think I've ever felt so relieved in my life.

@Queenie6655

Is she aware of the children in orphanages in Afghanistan and how little they have?

And many other children around the world starving

The ones that don't even have shoes to wear or a school to go to

Maybe she could ask her mum to stop buying towels in John Lewis or going on foreign holidays and send the money to charity instead?

How might she respond to a conversation around comparison being the thief of joy?

Judging herself according to others is always fraught. If she looks, she can always find people who are much better and much worse than herself.

What does she want for herself? What kind of person does she want to be?

It's one of the most useful lessons it's possible to learn. Then buy whatever towel she wants.

This is one area of disagreement I have with my mum is that she sent me to the local council estate school as a matter of principle, but then sent me in the most middle-class clothes (all floral, cords, hand-crafted stuff) possible so I didn't have a hope in hell of blending in! At secondary it was only slightly better, I used to wear my clod-hopper brown lace ups out of the house and change into my more fashionable blue pointy pair on the way to school...

You don't have to be a slave to fashion or abandon your values to see that being part of the group is important to children. You can also be honest, when they get older, about what you can and can't afford and what you value. We openly discuss, now they are teens, that if we get a new car paying monthly, that's less money for take-aways, so we are all involved in decisions.

Like everyone else, I'd give on some small things, and stick to your guns on others, so I'd buy the towel for Christmas, get the phone just prior to secondary so she knows how to use it/can go out in that summer and keep talking about it all.

Kids just don't wake up though and thank us profusely for what we have offered to them and this is annoying!

At the same age I went swimming a lot with my friends and had school swimming lessons. I wanted a Disney towel like the other children but was stuck with an plain BHS one that my mum deemed old and suitable for swimming. When I was 12, I used my Christmas money to buy a Bambi towel from the market. I had the towel until couple of years ago and I'm 39. Best value towel I've owned.

@Embroidery

She doesn't feel luckier than the other children if they can afford: Smiggle pencil cases £30 North Face coats£100 Expensive school bag (£60 to £150) On trend uniform - Next / New look etc. Prices vary.

If you're so MC, you can find the money for it. You just chose not to, as you think its beneath you. Its not beneath your child, and their social class is suffering as a result of your views.

No amount of MC snobbishness is going to make her feel better. Children in sensible shoes and old fashioned sensible clothes and bag don't become popular and really feel the distinction in their social class (= underclass). They eventually become nerds then generally blossom at uni but its very hard for them 10 - 16yo.
Kids who are bought all of above, and all the rest as they age, go through high school popular and into 6th form popular and thrive at uni.

This is why pp say 10yo+ are expensive. Did that pass you by?

What a horrible post! I’d be teaching her that anyone who doesn’t want to be friends with her because she hasn’t got the right pencil case isn’t worth being friends with. Fwiw there were people at my school with all the trendy stuff that were unpopular and vice versa. It was down to their personalities whether people liked them or not.

"we place value on different things"

Nope, YOU place value on different things. She just wants to fit in with her mates. Buy the poor kid a more exciting towel. Maybe she would rather have a bit more stuff and a few less holidays/activities.

At 11 I think a phone is necessary now, maybe for her birthday or Christmas?
Just so when she goes into year7 she will have spent the summer texting friends and keeping in touch with them, it will be less scary I think.
Disney towel is the same price as John Lewis I should think? Argos towels here

I honestly don’t think she’s asking for much at all.

This is one area of disagreement I have with my mum is that she sent me to the local council estate school as a matter of principle, but then sent me in the most middle-class clothes (all floral, cords, hand-crafted stuff) possible so I didn't have a hope in hell of blending in! At secondary it was only slightly better, I used to wear my clod-hopper brown lace ups out of the house and change into my more fashionable blue pointy pair on the way to school...

My mum was similar. She expected me to wear clothes that she bought for herself, and refused me the popular fashion of knockoff brand gear. I used my pocket money for charity shops so i could dress like a teenager, not a middle-aged lady.

Why do parents act like they've forgotten what was like to be young?

@Queenie6655

Is she aware of the children in orphanages in Afghanistan and how little they have?

And many other children around the world starving

The ones that don't even have shoes to wear or a school to go to

You see this type of whataboutery preaching didn't work in the 1960s when school dinnerladies said that I must eat the horrible fat and gristle in the so called "Irish Stew" because of the poor starving children in Africa.

In this case it is not about money or possessions is it? It is that OP thinks that her DD should be an extension of her ideas of good taste and be "better" than her friends - a clever 11 year old would point out that her mum could send the cost savings of buying a Disney towel and not buying John Lewis to Afghanistan. But it's not really about that - it's more about OP being judgmental about her DD's classmates/ parents and regarding their choices as tacky/chavvy and is making her stand over a Disney towel

I would tell her to grow up to be honest. I'd be horrified if my child of that age complained that they didn't have enough stuff.

I don’t think a children’s towel and a phone like her friends is that demanding. She’s not asking for iPads and designer coats. Just wanting to fit in with her friends a bit more.

Pick your battles.

Regarding the towel, why are you making such a big deal about it? No matter how much money you spend on John Lewis towels, in the end it's just a piece of fabric she's going to dry herself with after swimming. What possible harm could buying one she likes make?

Disney towels are tacky so that’s fair enough. There’s no Disney shite in this house.

When I was DD’s age I really, really, really wanted a Snoopy and Smurfs and a logo lunchbox. But I didn’t get one. My parents had plenty of money they just thought it was consumerist tat which it was.

I was absolutely fine and I learnt to ignore consumerist cravings.

Disney towel would be a nice Xmas gift.

Phone, screens, activities, holidays and such are all personal choice and she needs to just suck it up. Personally I’d increase her awareness by collecting items for children who are facing poverty in the U.K./3rd world, poorly children in hospital and families facing food poverty this Xmas. Knowledge and education is the way forward.

I was the kid whose patents wanted to 'teach' me to be an individual and that real friends would like me no matter what I had...

I was the one with the plain (sturdy, long lasting) plastic lunch box on a table of Disney lunch boxes ('that only last a term!'). I was the one in a big ('it's warm - be sensible, they're not being sensible') coat when the other girls had pretty coats. My shoes were clumpy ('functional'), my hair was always tied back in the same low pony tail. It was the days we did PE in knickers and vests - the other girls had pretty knickers, I had huge thick bright yellow ones that looked like a nappy. How do you think that went down?

If I asked for anything else, I was made to feel like I was a copycat with no values.

I took this attitude with me to high school, and tried to pride myself on not 'copying' the others by wearing make up or doing my hair nice or having a nice bag (I had a rucksack).

I could have gotten away with it all of I had a super extroverted popular personality, but I was and am quite quiet.

I had a horrible time. I was an object of disgust, and I became very jaded and angry at the world.

When I turned 15, I 'gave in' and started doing my hair and make-up (which was a battle).

I moved to a different school and immediately found a nice normal group of friends.

All those years fighting against what other people did just so I could be unique and 'learn' true values... what a waste of time and energy! As if I wouldn't have learned them as party of growing up anyway...

I'm team Disney towel.

Thank you for the feedback. Lots to think about. I suppose what I’m trying to say, possibly badly, is that she is absolutely not hard done by. She has way more than I did as a child. I remember DB going to a football camp thing once and being the only one without a proper football strip as our parents couldn’t afford it. I get what it’s like to not have what you need as a child. BUT - there is need and want. Maybe the JL towel was a bad example but she has good quality everything, doesn’t need for anything, does the classes outside schools she wants, again, way more than the opportunities I had as a child and it’s still not good enough. Or - not good enough in her eyes because her friends have what she sees as better. Perhaps a better example is phones. She keeps saying I should get a new phone as mine isn’t the latest iPhone. Her friends’ mums have these. I could go and buy one, but I won’t, because I don’t need one. I buy phones outright, use them for 3-4 years and then buy another as they start to go slow. I don’t have contracts but (and I know because they’ve told me) her friends’ mums do.

My 22 and 17 year old girls still use their barbie, Hannah Montana and finding nemo towels, originally bought for swimming, as bath towels. Plenty of value for money.

And they remind them of swimming and holidays and fun (which I think is why they use them) in a way a bog standard towel never could.

The phones is a different matter. I agree with you there op.

Phone is/phones are take your pick

@Queenie6655 - I agree with you. It frustrates me no end that she has no sense of just how privileged she is, relative to some of her classmates here or to those living in absolute poverty.

but she has good quality everything

Yes but kids perception is different...cool is a higher priority to them than good quality!

I’m very fortunate to have children with a healthy attitude to material items, so consumerism is less of a thing.

Having grown up with parents who tried to impose middle class values on me as a teenager and hating it as never fitted in - no branded goods, packed lunches, entirely practical decisions- I now try to involve my teens and tweens in decisions.

I guess I’ve now largely adopted those values from my parents, but encourage my children to think about what they want and the trade-offs. Eg encouraging my DC to pick school bags which mean they don’t stand out, letting them choose their own haircuts and offering the option of school dinners several times a week, providing a phone in year 7 (DS1 declares that my old iPhone which he uses is the most admired phone among his friends - they all have second hand and older models).

Mine certainly don’t follow the crowd sheepishly but it is important at that age that they can develop their own taste (some of which will be influenced by peer pressure) and not only have that of parents imposed of them.